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    Old 07-14-2005, 04:00 PM   #1
    I'mtired
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    Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    Hi. Ive been herebefore. But I'm here again. Ive got the addiction part down but Im not quite so sure about the recovery. Sometimes, like now (Im super low on meth and both of my sources are not available for a refill) I feel like such a ****in mess. I am a ****in mess. I have a federal job with random drug tests, yet each day I risk it. My addiction has only grown 10 fold since I tried to quit. The other day up late bingeing I realized, hey, Ive been smoking it for a half hour. I should stop. So I did. But Im . I quit. Im outta words. I dont even know if I wanna quit crystal meth anymore. Its my best friend................

     
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    Old 07-15-2005, 07:09 AM   #2
    Nervous Nellie
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    Hello I'm Tired,

    You're just a bit older than my son. He does crack and crystal meth, too, and he's living on the city streets right now. That's all he wants to do. He doesn't have a job at all, but whenever he did have one, he'd be okay for a few days and then just not show up.

    You sound different than that. You are only 21 yet you have a job and you also want to quit. No one has to lecture you about what you could risk losing by NOT quitting.

    Do you have any support, other than this online forum? Do you have Narcotics Anonymous, do you have a confidential Employee Assistance program, do you have anyone else you can share with, to give you the kick start that you need to try again? Just because you've relapsed, that's not a bad thing. What is bad is not trying again. Please don't give up. Please get the professional and/or proper support group to give you strength when you feel weak. And if there are any other issues in your life that you can't face without drugs, please get help for those too.

    I don't think healing is just the body. It's your heart, mind and soul that need to heal as well...one complete package.

    My prayers for you...you will succeed. You need a new REAL LIFE best friend.

    We'll do the best we can...and are here for you.

    Nell

     
    Old 07-16-2005, 12:14 AM   #3
    sk777
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    I totally hear you that it's your best friend. For the past few years I've been abusing one thing or another and totally neglecting my friends. I hadn't talked to one of my closest friends in the world for nearly a year, and one day I emailed her a rude, short email without a hello or how are you or anything. She was so hurt, I'm lucky she's still talking to me. Something in me cracked this week, I don't want pill friends I want my real friends, the ones who care about me, laugh at my stupid jokes, wish I would answer the emails or call them back.

    Crystal (and all drugs) is the kind of friend who only wants you to be friends with "her" and not to have any other friends, even though it's hurting you. You be your best friend and kick this thing, get help, do what you need to do. I know you can because you are reaching out, you want to quit.

    I'm not surprised your addiction got worse after you tried to quit. That happened to me w/ hydro. I went through months of abuse, withdrawal and clean. Then the next time around it would be worse, more pills, longer, until I nearly poisoned myself by taking too many at once.

     
    Old 07-18-2005, 03:37 PM   #4
    I'mtired
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    I am so desperate. I know what is best for me. I know all about the reprocussions.... but sometimes I dont care. I used to want to od. I dont know what I want anymore. I dont think well eith or without it now. I feel crazy in my mind in my brain. I hate life and I hate crystal and I love crystal and I will try NA I will try but I doubt Ill quit. I dont think im ready yet. Does that make sense?

     
    Old 07-18-2005, 04:16 PM   #5
    thghtsreal
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    I'mtired: Yes, through the madness, you make perfectly clear sense.

    In fact, you really do want to quit and be clean. There are two voices in your head. THe drug voice is desparate for you to keep using - calling you to do it just one more time and then it's over, BUT FIRST, just one more time...

    The other voice is telling you that the drugs have had their way with you long enough and you need to get that monkey off of your back.

    You are lucky to have the voice of reason calling to you at last. Listen to it. Drop the drugs. It will be tough for awhile, but good after that. Break those chains that bind you, man. Do it. I double dare ya.

     
    Old 07-18-2005, 05:31 PM   #6
    jodig28
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    We have to find "new normals" because it can never go back to the way it was before. We need to start over and as much as we may love it we all have to weigh the risks. (Maybe I should listen to myself???) You can get a "real" new best friend, and see how great it can be.

    Good Luck

    Jodi

     
    Old 07-18-2005, 10:54 PM   #7
    Bluelace
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    It makes all the sence in the world. Im close to your age (23) and I realize how freeking hard it is to be in the situation that you are in. I shot up oxycontin, coke, morphine pills, and meth for 2 years. I thought oxy's were my best friend, they were my drug of choice. Every day I would find a way to feed my habit, pass drug tests and pretty much kill myself. There were so many times that I would tell myself I was going to quit and I would try. It never lasted very long. I always heard of people saying that drug addicts only quit when they hit ROCK BOTTOM and I would sit and think "D***, I can think of at least 20 times that I have hit rock bottom and I am still going". I am now 50 days clean. I was finally ready. But the thing is, I would have died if my parents hadn't of drug me out of my house. You can't wait until you think you are ready. You are addicted to something, you will never feel ready until you get the kind of support that you need. You did the most awsome thing by telling your story on this board. It's more than most people like us do. YOu are well on your way. I will pray for you and please don't give up.
    Blue

     
    Old 07-19-2005, 06:57 AM   #8
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    Hey. I don't know where to start - everything sounds so d*** cliche when you try to explain things like this. I am now 38 and have 3 great kids - the perfect life to the outside world. I was addicted to "everything" at some point growing up. And, recently, just kicked the vikes. Before this it was food - I gained 80 pounds at one point. Here is my point - it did crystal meth. Of all the drugs I did it was my favorite. That and ecstacy. But, meth was so attainable and so cheap. I also remember I had lost so much weight on it and everyone was saying how "great" I looked - so that made me want it more. I was more uninhibited (aka "easy") and thought I was different than everyone else. Those people were addicts. They couldn't handle it. I only did it on weekends. Hey, I didn't NEED it, I said to myself. I could stop anytime I wanted. So, one day I was standing around with my "meth" friends and I just felt like I was going to implode. I started shaking so hard I couldn't hold a cup and my heart started beating so fast and hard - I could feel it thru my chest! The next morning I stopped and never did it again. Ever. And I finally got to where I didn't want it - for a long (loooong) time after I missed that smell so much (I used to inhale) and I knew I had to leave everything and everyone associated with it. That was the answer. So - I joined the Coast Guard and moved to the other side of the country! Believe me, nothing will snap you out of it like 8 weeks of boot camp!

    Here is my opinion - I don't want to be unreasonable. I find so many people tell you to move or just go to meetings or just "whatever" and it isn't always something we can do. BUT - the only way to beat this is to get away!! You need to stop all associations with anyone you get high with (we usually don't do it alone) and anyone you get it from and all the people and places where you ever did it or that it would even be. Is it possible for you to move? To join the service? To move to college? To move home? I don't know your situation but I promise - you can do it if you go away. That's what I think rehab centers are mostly about - it's getting the addict away from it. you will not quit if you stay there. You can't - plain and simple. It's like handing a beer to an alcoholic every day and telling him "now don't drink this". I always think it's sort of annoying and frustrating when people or shows (like Dr. Phil or Oprah or whatever) send these addicts to rehab. "You need to go today. There is no other way." well, that's great for them - with the rich people sending them - what the hell are we supposed to do? Most people I know, myself included, cannot go off to rehab. I can't afford it and I could never make it work - with my kids or any other way. So -the main thing is getting away.

    Next - you have to believe in God. I am in no way going to preach. But, you must believe in something and PRAY PRAY PRAY. You cannot do this alone. I know my relationship with Him is the only reason I am here today. I am sure of it. But we each have our own way of believing. I don't go to church and am no "religion" but I am very spiritual.

    I hope something hit home. I know you don't want to die. Nobody ever really wants to die - they just want to "not be here" sometimes. If you keep taking it you WILL die. You are so much more valuable than this! Don't let this take your life away. You are worth so much more.

    Good luck and as far as the relapses - who cares?? It doesn't make any difference at all. Every single morning is a new day. I have had WAY more relapses than recoveries! But, I always ended up beating it! You can too. Don't even think about it. Just start again at this moment. This moment is all that matters. Like the Buddhists say - there is no yesterday and no tomorrow - only this moment - right now. Make this moment count.

     
    Old 07-20-2005, 01:33 AM   #9
    Mich305
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    How long have you been using? I have been clean for 32 day. I was IN LOVE with meth, and I didnt care about anything else, I lost EVERYTHING, my family, my apt, my REAL friends, I slept in my car, and bounced from place to place just so I could get high. My life will never be the same! You need to get help, you should check out this webite methaddicts.com Its pretty interesting, Very technical but thats how I learned that I damaged my brain for good! I know you dont want help, I didnt either but you should tell someone, who will maybe force you to get help, If I didnt I really think I would be dead by now!

     
    Old 07-20-2005, 09:52 AM   #10
    Catholic_dad
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by I'mtired
    I am so desperate. I know what is best for me. I know all about the reprocussions.... but sometimes I dont care. I used to want to od. I dont know what I want anymore. I dont think well eith or without it now. I feel crazy in my mind in my brain. I hate life and I hate crystal and I love crystal and I will try NA I will try but I doubt Ill quit. I dont think im ready yet. Does that make sense?
    I am going to be a little hard on you. I think that you know exactly what you want and that is to get high on meth. You are no different then any other addict out there. Your reasons for using are probably unique to you, but the truth of the matter is is that you would quit if you wanted to. I am being hard on you because I have been right where you are in my life, namely full of self pity. The reason that you "hate life" right now is because you are getting high on meth and there is no other reason to it. There is no deep existential reason for your self loathing and your continued desire to do meth. The problem is partly because you are young and self absorbed.

    The bottom line is this. You can continue to use meth and screw up your life or you can drop the "I hate life stuff" and get mad and get tough and get some help throught either your family or NA or a good psychiatrist or doctor. Maybe you are self medicating due to depression or whatever. But get some help! and stop moaning about how much you hate life. That is not going to do you any good at all.

    I have been where you are at in life. I hated life and thought at one time booze would take away all the bad feelings and you know what, it didn't the more I drank the more life sucked. When I stopped life became more pleasant. My advice is to stop whining, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get some help now and don't wait. You're young and years from now you will look back and say "what the hell was I thinking." But only if you stop now and get help. I'm risking being tough on you because I hear myself in you when I was younger and I wish someone would have kicked me in the pants back then. It may have saved me years of misery and wasted time.

    Andrew

     
    Old 07-22-2005, 12:18 PM   #11
    I'mtired
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    Well Catholic Dad, I actually hated my life before meth. Thats the main reason I started to use!!!!!!!!!!! It made me feel so goooood!! Like a happy individual!!! I have chronic depression and a personality disorder, which, yes, I was getting treated for. But not well enough. (The meds they gave me didnt work) So I took matters into our own hands.................

    But this is the strange part. It's been over a week that I havent used (besides a tiny tiny bit I found Monday) And I want to use, but dont crave it. I ususally after a day or 2 crave. Its been 9 days. I never actually crash, but this time I did, I craved then, but this week I havent been. Its almost like Im not hooked! I dont get it! Its easier than I thought. So normal people would think I may as well just never look back. But, since I still have the same issues I had that made me take the easy way out, Ill probably go back. If it's fun, why not?
    I stayed healthy, I still ate a bit. I still slept a bit. I dont have any lesions on my face, just one little bump. Im not all skinny. Only my brains probably effected the most. And I think it gave me a cavity I didnt have before. I 've only been using this year. Allllllllll year. Since Jan. Im stupid. I know. But I cant help it (being dumb)

     
    Old 07-22-2005, 12:28 PM   #12
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    You are just not ready to quit. So, you won't. The first step is wanting it and wanting it where using is NOT an option. I was hooked years ago, too. Most people who are addicted are depressed or have some sort of mental issues going on - or why would we need to "escape" and feel good? I know, I have always been depressed. And no meds have worked that great for me either.

    But, the meth WILL kill you. I know you think - whatever - but it will. What goes up must come down. What makes you think you are so different than all the other meth addicts that are living on the streets, stealing, lying, prostituting, dying... I am SURE that was not their intentions when they took meth in the beginning.

    So - my question is - why did you post on this board? You don't sound like you even think you have an addiction problem? If the withdrawals are not that bad - why don't you just not do it again? But, you are in the stages of justifying it (I did the same, with every addiction). So, nobody will talk to you either way.

    I have to say - your last post is just sad. You are angry because you are defending your "drug".

    Good luck to you and I hope you soon realize it's an addiction and it's a death sentence - before you hit the bottom...and you will.

     
    Old 07-22-2005, 01:14 PM   #13
    Catholic_dad
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    I'mtired,

    I am not entirely sure why it is you posted on this site because you do not sound like you have any interest in quitting. I have to agree with thom3 in that you sound like you are justifying your drug problem. It even sounds like you think that you have the physical problems that meth causes under control. So again I have to ask why bother posting?

    There is nothing that anyone can say to you and even if we did you would probably not listen nor care what anyone has to say. If you continue to use meth, then all I can say is try to stay alive and hopefully you will come to your senses and get some help one day. If you hated life before you began using meth then you obviously have some issues that are not going to be resolved using meth, but I'm sure you have an answer to all of my comments and that I just "don't understand."

    I only say this because I did the same exact thing with cocaine and alcohol at one time when I was younger and nobody could tell me a thing because I had everything "figured out." If you someday realize that what you are doing is self destructive then there will be those out there that can help. Until then I really hope that your meth use does not kill you or cause you irrepairable damage which it will do if you continue, but at this point those reasons do not sound like they motivate you to want to get help and quit.

    Andrew

     
    Old 07-27-2005, 09:37 AM   #14
    Felicia65
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    I think that there is a part of you that really wonts to stop, Becuse you are here, That little part of you is looking for the answer. And that part of you is the healthy part. depression comes from the way we veiw life. You have to learn to see things in diffrent ways to over come depression. meth will only make you more depressed because it makes other problems.there are three parts to us our mental health/ body health/ and the spirtal heath. all three have to be at the same level to be whole. I hope you can understand me.I do not wont to preach to you, But god can help you over come this and feed your spirt and when this happens you health will repair some of the damage you have done, I belive deep down in your soul you do not wont to be on drugs, and you wont to be happy, and you can have all of this But you have to work at this, And never never be affraid to ask for help. God says knock and it will be open unto you. So never stop looking for the answer because it is out there.some where your happness is waiting on you. But you have to take the steps to get there. I wish you all the luck in the world, And you listen to that little bit of you that wonts to stop , Because that is your health part of you, YOU CAN DO THIS,

     
    Old 07-27-2005, 10:40 AM   #15
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    Re: Desperate 21 year old crystal methhead

    It kinds of sounds like you may want people to tell you what you are doing is o.k. and not really going to hurt you. I think you know the answer, but just aren't ready to really hear it.

     
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