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Newton2010 08-08-2005 05:13 PM

Mommy on Meth
I don't really know how to start this out other than just telling my story, here goes.

I have suspected that my wife was using meth for a long time but could never find any hard evidence untill about 3 months ago when my 11 yr. old daughter came up to me and told me mommy was smoking meth.

On a Monday we got into an arguement and my wife and daughter went and told the police that I beat her up, they came out and talked to me and I told them what I suspected and they asked her about it and she admitted that she had done it a couple of times. A few days went by and my daughter told me she had a glass pipe in her car and when I confronted her about it she went nuts at me. I finally started looking through her car and she caught me and threw a pouch at me and said "Is this what you are looking for?". Inside I found 2 glass pipes, butane lighter and some cotton swab looking things. The next day my daughter, son and I went to to the police and told them what had happened. The officer looked at my daughter and said "Do you have a different story to tell me?" and she told him all about it. The officer told me that he suspected she was on meth when she talked to him.

A few days after this a filed for a divorce, I have been married for 17 yrs. to her. Things were very rough at home for the next few weeks until one day she convinced me that she had come clean and would never do it again, so I put a hold on the proccedings. Since I found the stuff in her car she would not let me look in it and would hide her keys every night when she was at home. On July 4th weekend I told her if she did not quit hiding things from me I was going to go ahead with the divorce. On Tues after the weekend I called and had her served papers. When she got them she went nuts and took off with my daughter. I did not know where they were that night but the next night I got a call from the police who told me to come get my daughter. My wife had got into an arguement at Target with an employee and they called the police who then searched her car and charged her with 8 counts one of which was having meth with a child under 12. Another one was having $10,000 in cash that she had drawn off a credit card that they thought was drug money.

She spent the next 3 weeks in jail until my older sister bailed her out trying to be nice and give her one more chance. My sister made her a deal that if she got her out she had to go straight to rehab which my sister would pay for. Guess what, she got out of jail and never went to rehab. She did not comply with the bail bond and they put her back in jail until some guy bailed her out 24 hrs. later. Since then she has moved in with him and says they are "only friends". I have had to get a nanny to watch the kids so I can go back to work until school starts up again. She calls and wants to talk to the kids and tells them that she is broke (she drew $20,000 off credit cards) and is sorry and has found God. Then almost every night I hear that she goes out to a bar dancing with guys and buying everyone drinks and steps out to the parking lot for 15 to 20 minutes and comes back in. She came to the house the other day and tried to get my daughter to go with her by telling my daughter she would take her to Vegas. I am scared to death that if she ever does I will never see her again. I am trying to get custody of my kids but am going nuts waiting for a court date to be set.

I feel like it is my fault for not doing or saying something sooner. I don't know what more I could have done. I cried, begged and pleaded with her but to no evail. Everyone says it is not my fault but it does not make things any easier.

I don't know what to tell the kids and am having a hard time coping with the drug factor and the other guy factor. I don't really know what I am expecting people to say here but I guess it just helps to get things off my chest.

thghtsreal 08-08-2005 05:25 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
Get a good lawyer and start stacking up evidence that shows you wife is a meth addict and unfit mother.

As we all know, child custody laws are stacked in favor of the mother even when the mother is a drug addict. So, if you want to keep your kids, you better do your homework.

Thus far, you have done the right things except for stalling the divorce proceedings. You know that there is nothing you could do about her addiction unless you got her started or encouraged her to use. Otherwise, it is her problem plain and simple.

Your children are completely relying on YOU right now. Make damned sure you are 100% clean and sober.

Constant 08-08-2005 06:24 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
What a horrible time you are going through. The devastation you feel is no doubt overwhelming at times but you will get through this.

You and your daughter need a lot of support right now. The stress this is placing on you is immeasurable, and I can only imagine how it is affecting your daughter.

There are plenty of support groups out there for children/spouses/parents of an addict. Hopefully there are some in your area that you can attend.

Supervised visitation would certainly be in order at this point in regard to your daughter.

Keep us informed.

Felicia65 08-09-2005 10:30 AM

Re: Mommy on Meth
I am so sorry for you and your children, But YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BLAME FOR YOUR WIFES ACTIONS. no one held a gun to her head. You have to get a good lawer and get custody of the children. Please dont blame yourself and I would try to have restraining order to where she can not see those kids untill she can get clean and stay that way. Good luck and keep us posted Felicia

KFld 08-09-2005 12:00 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
What a shock this must have been for you to find out. Just remember, it's you and the kids first. Do whatever it takes to protect them from this. I know you said one is 11, how old is the other one, or more. Not sure how many you have. I would get them into counseling right away and you should get yourself straight to alanon. I go to alanon because I have an 18 year old heroin addict son, and it does me wonders in making me realize it's not my fault and I can't change it if he doesn't want to.

I feel for you and I can't imagine my husband going through what you are and being strong enough to protect my kids. I hope you have great family support and lots of friends to help you through this. You should be afraid she will take them and you won't know where, so whoever is watching them, make them very very aware that they are not to be released to her and to contact you immediatley. Can you get DCF involved so they can help you with keeping her away from them until you can get things settled in court?

It's great that you found this board. Many people here can lend you an ear and give you the support you will need. We don't have all the answers, but we sure do try.


thghtsreal 08-09-2005 12:06 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
You might try to get a county or city social worker involved. It would be good to have her addiction and activities on public record. It will help your case if you have to battle for the children in court.

Remember, the courts are stacked heavily in favor of the mother - even if she has chemical addictions. You need as much ammo as you can get.

wannahelp 08-09-2005 01:04 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
You have enough evidence against her now, to obtain a temporary order of custody, and or restraining order. This will hold you over until a court date can be set. Did your lawyer not give you this advice? So sorry for what you're going through. I don't think you'll have any problem with custody in this type of situation. Just make sure you have a good lawyer with this sort of experience under his belt. This makes all the difference in the world. Keep us posted.

Newton2010 08-09-2005 08:28 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
Thanks to everyone for the replies. :)

It just seems to worse and worse day by day. Today she called and told the kids "Mommy got a brand new expensive truck and it's on daddy's dime. He is the one on the drugs and he set me up to get arrested." it just goes on and on. My daughter said to me after the call that she didn't know if I was on drugs or not. That broke my heart. I have never touched meth, never even seen it other than on TV but I don't know how to convince her of that. I am 100% clean of drugs and don't drink at all.

My son is 14 yrs. old and is very angry with his mom, it seems like he is pretty much fully aware of what is going on. I don't want the kids to talk to her but she says that if I don't she will take legal action against me. I am going to ask my lawyer about it tommorro.

I don't really know how to get more evidence against her other than the DHS report saying they wanted her to go to some kind of counceling and the charges the state has brought up on her. I can't get a private eye because tommorro I am going to file for bankruptcy and don't have the money. I talked to the DHS today and they gave me a number for a family therapist that I am going to call tommorro. I am even starting to think about going to my doctor to get something for my nerves and not being able to sleep but I am one of those guys who hates to go to the doctor and I don't like taking pills.
God will this ever end

Constant 08-09-2005 08:35 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
I hate this for you and your children. Counseling is certainly in order.

Be very careful if you get something for sleep. You need to be able to wake up in the event of a night time emergency and heck we don't want you hooked on a prescription drug.

I'm praying for y'all.

thghtsreal 08-09-2005 08:42 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
The truth trumps lies in the long run - always. Don't worry about the lies and confusion your wife might spread. Your children will know the truth.

Now, I mentioned in one of my previous posts and I will repeat it here - YOU HAVE TO BE 100% SOBER 100% OF THE TIME. You mentioned specifically that you never tried meth. I hope you are not using any other chemical like marijuana or alcohol or anything else. There is no room for hipocracy in this situation.

As for asking the doctor for something for your nerves - forget it. Tough it out, man. You can't criticize your wife’s chemical leanings when you climb onto a crutch yourself. Get down on your bended knees and ask God for help. Then, when you stand up, stand straight and tall and strong. Look this crap straight in the eye, put up your dukes, and fight your way through it. Your children need a John Wayne right now and you are the only one that can be their hero. This is the calling that some men are lucky enough to have in their lives. Yes, that's right - lucky enough to have. Take it on and be a hero to your children. You may never face a challenge so large in your life nor will you ever have such an important and influential chance to be a good example for your son and daughter.

For the record, I am a father and husband too and I know that it is tough, but that's why we are who we are.

Good luck. Check in with us often. We are here for you.

Felicia65 08-09-2005 09:06 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth

KFld 08-10-2005 05:23 AM

Re: Mommy on Meth
I agree with the getting right into counseling and also the not turning to something yourself for your anxiety, nerves, or sleeplisness. I have been going through this with my son for the past few months now and the only thing I have sought out is counseling. I don't want to take anything to sleep, incase I have to wake up in the middle of the night to face anything, and especially for you if you need to wake up and deal with something with your children. I know it's a hard thing to tough out, but you needs your complete wits about it in all circumstances right now, for you and for your kids.

It's good that the 14 year old is seeing the truth, and in time the 11 year old will too. The 14 year old is mature enough to probably have heard what these drugs are capable of and the 11 year old has no clue. I want to say I can't believe she's telling them you are the one on drugs and not her, but of course it's believable because she's trying to take the attention off of her and blame others.

She was arrested for posession with one of your kids in the car right?? Isn't that enough to get temporary custody? I'm not quite sure how the laws work, but it would be a real shame if they think that isn't enough.

Newton2010 08-13-2005 07:45 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
Thanks again for all the replies :)

My kids and I are going to start going to family counciling in a few days so hopefully that will help. Today I got served papers in the mail saying there is a warrent out for my arrest. She said that after she got out of jail I beat her up when she came by and tried to take my daughter. What a load that is, All I saw was her driving off in a car. Another $500 to keep me out of jail and trip to the courthouse.

I took your advice and got on my knees and prayed to God for help and am trying my best to handle this, it ain't easy though. Also I am [B]not[/B] going to the doctor to get any meds and am going to tough it out on my own.

For now I have to worry about the kids going to school and my soon to be ex-wife taking them. The court date is still almost 4 weeks off for the temporary custody hearing.

Thanks again for the help and encouragment. I cannot thank you all enough :)

thghtsreal 08-13-2005 10:10 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
Good luck in court. The system sees through stuff like that, so I wouldn't worry too much.

Sounds like she is going to play really mean. You better start to collect, organize, and save evidence of her drug use and bad behavior.

Keep praying.

lharmon37 08-15-2005 02:30 AM

Re: Mommy on Meth
My heart and sympothies goes to you and you children. It does not look like your wife will stop what she is doing. She sounds HOOKED line and sinker.

You do need to get a good lawyer and get FULL custody. People on Meth say and want you to hear that they are not doing anymore. Most cases it's not true. Does she work at all? Credit cards can only go so far and if they are in your name I would get mine off it. Let her be responsible paying them.

Sometimes, Well most all the time a drug user especially on Meth or Coke, will have to hit ROCK BOTTOM to quit. I hope she see's the light soon before that happens. If you are quit aiding the situation with any money. With her going to jail and having that on a police report, will look good on your behalf.

Just wondering what state are you from, Colorado state is very good about custody rights to the Father. Much luck to your family.

KFld 08-15-2005 08:50 AM

Re: Mommy on Meth
Wow!!! I can't believe she said you beat her up. She probably got beat up by somebody else trying to get her drugs and figured she's blame you for it. When do you go to court??? I really hope they see through all of this. I hope you are documenting everything that is happening.

Please keep us posted.

Mojo255 08-15-2005 06:53 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
I'd be careful about involving the law in your personal affairs. It vcan always backfire or get out of your control. I've been where your at and its jmho. :)

lostnewwife 08-15-2005 11:26 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
You are in an extremely tough situation; as a husband and a father, my heart goes out to you.
Let me try to give you two perspectives...first on behalf of your children. My mother is an addict; alcohol is her preference, but anything will do as long as she is not in reality. As a child, it is nearly impossible to constructively accept and cope with a parents' addiction, without professional help. I am not saying your support isn't just as significant, but you, too are trying to cope and your children require constant support and stability. Because their mother is so far gone, you cannot rely on her for anything except more pain, lies and manipulation. Therefore, do what ever you can to keep your children away from her until she is completely sober. My husband is also an addict, which I only discovered recently. I can honestly say that my mother's addiction has impacted me ten thousand times worse than my husband's addiction. Children almost always want to save their parents. They want to protect them in any way possible, and usually put their parents needs above their own, (ESPECIALLY) when they see how lost and out of control their parent is. Adults have the innate ability to remain logical, grounded and sound. For example, adults can get a divorce and move on with their lives. Children, however, have only one mother and one father, no matter who they are and what they do. Therefore, this loyalty is their biggest weakness. Your children will, without doubt, suffer by not having their mother in their lives until (if ever) she is sober and clean, but the torment and destruction she can do to them if you allow her to see them while she is using (and in complete denial) will go far beyond that pain. So, the lesser of two evils is the only solution here; protect your children and keep them away from their mother as long as she is abusing drugs. Every single negative episode your children are exposed to is engraved forever in their psyche, so try your best to refrain from fighting with her in front of them. Your children will mimic your reactions to her, your coping methods, etc, so use this as your guide. Behave the way you would expect them to, communicate the way you would expect them to and try your best to never ever stoop to her level. Teach your children through behaviour, seek councelling for yourself and allow them the same privilege. You are their only parent right now, protect and guide them through this with encouragement, support and love and always remind them that their mother loves them, no matter what she does. Teach them to forgive her, but also to never accept anything but sobriety from her either. My father definitely helped me cope, but because he, too was so hurt and devastated, I needed my own support, someone objective...therapy was my saving grace.
As I mentioned, my spouse is an addict, too, so I feel your pain and I am sorry for what your wife has done to you. Only now do I understand why my dad wasn't as supportive as I wanted him to be when we were dealing with my mother; his heart was broken. On top of that, he was expected to deal with a lying ex-wife who would stop at nothing to manipulate and destroy him, start a new life for himself and his children with NOTHING...she spent as much as she could on her addictions and took EVERYTHING else. Your wife cannot admit to her problem, and therefore, you have no choice. WASH YOUR HANDS OF HER IN EVERY WAY. Going bankrupt was the last thing that my dad wanted for himself, but in the end, it saved him because she wouldn't have ever stopped trying to take him for a ride. As painful as it must be, start fresh, end this nightmare chapter of your life and know that the next one will be better, MUCH MUCH BETTER. She may have ruined everything in her path, but you have control now and she can no longer ruin your life, only her own. She may never admit to her addiction, but that is no longer your problem. Only she will lose if she continues to lie to herself and everyone else. Your children will understand that in years to come and they will know that you protected them and loved them, especially when she couldn't.
Addicts are great liars, extremely clever, dangerously determined, and manipulative to the worst don't put anything past her. If she will stoop so low as to lie to your children about you and get you arrested FOR NOTHING, know that she won't stop here. Protect yourself and your children and try your best to avoid all contact with her. Have mediators for everything, and when she has an episode or tries to falsely accuse you of something, you are protected because you have a witness. Do your best to keep your children out of the courts, it's hard enough to accept the fact that their mom is an addict, let alone standing in a court room telling a room full of strangers each sad and pathetic story of her destruction. Try not to give them a reason to blame themselves for where she is and what she has become.
I hope I've helped and given you some insight from both a child's perspective and a spouse's. You have reminded me to be grateful that my husband is no where near as painful and far gone as my mother. Good luck to you and your children - the road ahead may appear difficult...but it's much easier than living a life with her and her addiction. Please keep us posted.

Newton2010 08-17-2005 07:36 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
Just get's worse everyday it seems. The kids started school Mon. and today my wife checked my daughter out of school and took her. We were suppose to start counseling today and that got put off because I had to go to the lawyers to get him to help me fill out the VPO papers and I was wanting all 3 of us to go. I swear she will resort to anything that will hurt me or anyone else it seems, wonder what is next? I think I am going to call the counseler and make another appointment for me and my son tommorro. God will this ever end and will she ever get the help she needs?

Just had to vent to keep me from going nuts

thghtsreal 08-17-2005 08:39 PM

Re: Mommy on Meth
It can actually get a lot worse. I have friends that have had experiences with their screwed-up ex's that make your situation look like an afternoon in Mr. Roger's neighborhood.

Move fast to protect your children and yourself.

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