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    Old 09-16-2005, 07:02 AM   #16
    331111
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Thank you Arememom, I needed that little bit of encouragement before going off to work. It truly does help

    Last edited by 331111; 09-16-2005 at 07:09 AM.

     
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    Old 09-16-2005, 07:19 PM   #17
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Just a note to say hello and hope your day was good. I was re-reading some of your post. You said something about being afraid of seeing someone from work at AA/NA meetings. If you did guess what, that would make them an alcoholic or addict too. lol Just a thought. Seriously, I know groups aren't everyones thing. Just find whatever it takes for you. You know you can always come to this board, it's great. Have a good night.

     
    Old 09-17-2005, 07:28 AM   #18
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi-
    Just checking in to see how you guys are, JKhopeful and 331111. Give us an update, been thinking about how things are going for you. Thank god it's the weekend, I was ready for some rest and relaxation!!!!
    Susan

     
    Old 09-17-2005, 11:05 PM   #19
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    I have my ups and downs. I have tapered to about half the dose of vicodin but am still taking about 4 5/500 a day+ a beer or two. I will start tapering down more tomorrow. I am just really scared and pretty much hate myself. I have been wondering if I need to go to the doctor and ask for antidepressants. I feel I have lost control of my life. I want to get the peace and love back. I don't know why when I know what I should do I still make bad choices??? This is why I hate myself. You guys have been such a great help. I see a counselor on the 23rd. Can I do this? I say I want to , but will I? Please hang in there with me. Please don't give up on me. You are the only ones who understand

     
    Old 09-17-2005, 11:16 PM   #20
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey 331111,

    I know what you mean about knowing you're making a bad choice and do it any way. I have done that all my life with men. I thought therapy would help with that, but it didn't. You may need some anti-depressants. It couldn't hurt. You can do this. Just live one day (hour, minute) at a time. We'll be here for you. Goodnight all

     
    Old 09-19-2005, 07:43 AM   #21
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi everyone

    Well, I really haven't felt like posting all weekend because I've actually been withdrawing and I'm now on Day 3. At 5:00 today, it will be 72 hours. Its been a real difficult weekend. I had my appointment with my assessment counselor on Friday and she was very understanding and actually told me with everything I have on my mind right now that I didn't need to make a decision that day, but I decided it was now or never. I took one more 10/325 miligram pill after that at 5:00 that day. Over the weekend, my husband and I were up at a nice resort in northern Minnesota and I decided to tell him. I knew once I told him, it would become real and I would have to go through with it. I've always told him the packages I receive in the mail from pharmacies are my regular prescriptions that I receive through my mail order pharmacy through my work health plan which was a lie, but he apparently believed me because he saw many of the packages. He won't be handing over any more packages to me now! I also told my son who still lives at home and he was great. My husband was great too, but he's just such a detached man - which may cause some of my problems. He's just such a poor communicator. Anyway, haven't decided what my next step is yet. I need to get through this detox first. The outpatient program the counselor suggested is grueling and will be tough to fit into my life and work schedule and I can't start it until I've been "clean" for seven days. For sure I'm calling a counselor today who is an addiction specialist and setting up and appointment with her to talk through all of my issues. I think my husband thinks its just a matter of me having will power and quitting. He doesn't realize that there are always underlying reasons why we addicts are addicts. We don't just become addicts for no reason. Usually, maybe not always, there are some underlying issues that we haven't dealt with. I've never been a big fan of the 12 step program so I'm not sure this outpatient program is for me, but right now I'm keeping an open mind and this time I'm going to give up these hateful pills. In the past when I've quit, its been because my sources have run dry. This time, I have a full bottle of pills that will probably arrive in the mail today (that my husband will intercept for me) and another bottle with about 20 pills left and I'm determined to quit. I don't ever want to see another Vicodin as long as I live - that's how determined I am not to let these pills rule my life. When my husband asked me how I felt this morning, I said - you know I feel better this morning than I did most mornings when I was using because I never took the pills after 5:00 or 6:00 at night so every morning I would wake up about 5:00 in the morning in withdrawals. So this morning I actually felt better than most mornings (the last two days were terrible though). This morning I still have chills, yawning, some anxiety, but am definitely feeling a little better. I'm at work and can make it through the day. I'll try to make it a short day though. Thanks for checking on me.
    33111 - you can do this too. It will be tough and I know the psychological cravings are ahead of me and that's a tough road, but I'm going to do it this time. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for listening.

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-19-2005 at 07:51 AM.

     
    Old 09-19-2005, 03:08 PM   #22
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    HI WendyRN

    Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. The only thing I know for sure is that I will NOT use again. I'm still not sure what my course of action will be but I know I need some outside help. I can't get it all from within. It's now 5:00 p.m. and I've made it 72 hours. I feel like sh_ _ , but I knew I would. I know from experience that each day the physical symptoms will lesson now and I'll deal with the cravings, but I'm determined to get through this. I know how you feel about hating the woman you see in the mirror each day. I've been a slave to this drug for many years, not a full time user until the last five years or so, but have loved narcotics since I was in my early 20's and I'm now 50 years old. I'm a slow learner I guess. I just never considered it a problem until I used it every day. Now I just cringe and hate myself for allowing this to happen to me and to my family. I will make an appointment with the addiction specialist who was recommended to me and go from there. Still not sold on the outpatient treatment that meets three nights a week for at least six to eight weeks than at least once a week for another six to eight weeks. But as I said, I'm keeping an open mind. Again, thanks for your words of encouragment. I'm going to go home and relax now. I made it through the day. Hurrah for that!

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 07:22 AM   #23
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi JkHopeful!
    I am so HAPPY for you and so jealous at the same time.I am still tapering down and haven't quit yet but I absolutely know I will. Yours words are so encouraging. Please keep posting. I almost bought more vicodin online yesterday(it was a terrible battle within myself), That's why I didn't post. I didn't buy the vicodin though. I talked myself out of it all day.(Yes,I talk to myself all day)! I feel like I am losing my mind. When I run out this time I am out, I will be done forever! I see my counselor for the first time on Friday.

    Wendyrn, thank you for posting! I needed so badly to hear from someone like you who sounds so much like me and is clean and happy now. It gives me such hope. I fear that I will quit and will always crave that peaceful euphoric feeling that that the vicodin gives you sometimes. I hate myself and feel like crap the other 99% of the time. I too can't look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted. I wake up in the morning feeling like crap. At one time in my life I liked the person I was. Now I don't like me anymore. It is getting worse and something has to change.I would also like to hear more of your story and anyone else who is clean and happy now. The counselor I am seeing is through the EAP program. I bought the book "Purpose Driven Life" and the journal to go with it. I am trying to prepare myself. I quit smoking 20 years ago and knew then I had to be completely ready. I think I am there now with this demon. Please everyone hang in there and help me with this. JK hopeful, all I can say is "you go girl!" Please let me know how you are doing too. Off to work I go, See ya, L.

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 03:18 PM   #24
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 33111 - I'm so glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you this week a lot. I'm now at the end of DAY 5. It's 5:00 here in Minnesota and Its been exactly five days since I've taken a vicodin. Withdrawals are no fun, but I look at it as no worse than surviving a bad case of the flu. Today, I mostly have the "blahs" and I know I have many days ahead like this. In days past, when I was feeling blah, I would just pop one of my 10 mg vicodins and would feel great (at least for an hour or so - that's about as long as it lasted lately). Now I know I just have to get through the blahs on my own. I still haven't called to make an appointment with the addiction specialist - mostly because I haven't had any private time to do it. I've been at work on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and have been in a conference all day Tuesday and today and had a real tough time sitting still. I feel better now that the work day is over and I've made it through another day and can go home and try to relax. Are you going to tell your husband eventually? That was hard for me, but I knew it wouldn't be real for me unless I told him. I'm so glad I made the decision to quit and I know you will do it soon as well. Keep posting. Good luck with your appointment on Friday. You'll feel better when you at least take that first step even if you don't make the decision to quit right away. I'd like to hear more about your history. How many years have you used? I know what you're taking now - it was about the same as me - somewhere around 40 miligrams a day before you started tapering with a little alcohol thrown in for that great mellow feeling! How did you get started? I actually was introduced to narcotic pain killers when I was in my early 20's because I had a series of tooth aches for a period of about 2 years. I didn't take them constantly but it was during that time that I discovered I loved that euphoric feeling that I got from them. Over the years, I would do whatever I could do get my hands on narcotics, nothng really illegal although I did prowl through a few medicine cabinets over the years and swiped some pills here and there when no one was looking. I would get prescriptions whenever I could and I could never save any of the pills. I would always just take them until they were gone but never really had them for a long enough period of time for it to become a huge problem until five years ago when I discovered the internet. Then it became a full time habit for me and I knew it would be a bad thing for me the day I got my first "order" in the mail. I remember feeling both a thrilling feeling and a feeling of dread and here I am today a full time addict - now a recovering addict. I promise you I am never using these hateful pills again. I just won't let myself fall back into that trap. Anyway, best of luck to you as well and anyone else out there reading this post. We can all overcome this. It won't be easy, but we can do it.

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 10:24 PM   #25
    331111
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi Jkhopeful,
    It's good to hear from you again. I have made up my mind to quit. I am still tapering down. I have a half of a bottle of pills left and will not buy more. I am preparing myself for when I run out and will go through the withdrawals. I have gone through withdrawals before when I ran out. The difference this time is I know I could get more if I wanted them but I will choose not to.

    My story is similar to yours. I was given tylenol#3 after the birth of my daughter 25 years ago and I discovered that wonderful relaxing euphoric feeling. Anytime I could (wisdom teeth, sinus headaches etc.) I would ask for pain relief medication. Like you I would take them until they were gone. I started getting extras from family and friends who would not use them all explaining to them that I needed them for my sinus headaches because regular tylenol would not take away the pain. I lied. Then my husband had back surgery and I would call and get refills on his vicodin without him even knowing it. Bottom line is I would take them whenever I could get them but would always run out and be able to live without them until the next opportunity came along, sometimes a year or so.

    Then I discovered the internet. Bad. I was scared and thrilled at the same time too. I also knew this was going to be very bad for me. It's been about 6 months of this now and it is taking over my life. It is consuming every ounce of me. I hate myself. I don't feel loveable anymore. I wake up during the night thinking about my addiction. I think about it every minute of the day. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I have a big weekend this weekend and can't go through the withdrawals this weekend but I am thinking of flushing the rest of the bottle next week. I am tired of this. I will go through the withdrawals this time and never go back. Jkhopeful you can do this and we can walk each other through this. Keep me posted on your progress.

    I'm still not sure if I will tell my husband. I just don't think he would understand. I just feel like I have been so bad. I am still thinking about it.
    L.

    Last edited by 331111; 09-21-2005 at 10:24 PM.

     
    Old 09-21-2005, 10:56 PM   #26
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    I really hope that you find the courage to talk to your family. What kind of reaction do you think that your husband will have? He might already have an idea about what is going on. Don't be so hard on yourself, everyone has done something that they are not proud of at some point. Have you talked with any friends? You need to take care of yourself before anyone else right now. How are you getting the pills- are they prescribed or are you buying them from someone? It seems that alot of people are dealing with what you are, so your fear of telling someone is normal.

     
    Old 09-22-2005, 06:23 AM   #27
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 33111

    This will be a quick reply. I'm at work and need to get busy (am a little leary of posting here anyway). Its your decision whether to tell your husband. Everyone on this board seems to think it is so important to tell your family but I feel thats a very personal decision. I chose to tell me husband because I knew that was one way to make it "real" for me. He'll now be watching for all those packages that come in the mail. I would have to become even more cunning than I have been to start ordering again and I just want to make sure that I don't. I agree that usually its the right decision to tell your family but I also feel its a very personal decision. I just wanted to congratulate you for figuring this out in six months. I've been ordering off the internet for 5 years! Have a great day. I'm starting DAY 6!!!

     
    Old 09-22-2005, 07:43 AM   #28
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi Jkhopeful,
    What was your breaking point after 5 years? What was going on with you that made you decide once and for all enough was enough? I truly want to hear more of your story. Your posts help me and I look forward to reading them. I am so happy when I go online and find that you have replied. I hope you are feeling better. Are you still blah? Depressed? How are you feeling after 6 days?

    For me the breaking point was the lieing. It seems like I have to lie about something everyday and it has become so easy. That's not me. I use to hate being lied to. Maybe that's why I can't tell my husband. He is not an addict and would not understand the lies. He would never trust me again. He would look down on me. Ugh! I am making him sound awful when really he isn't. I don't know I am just so confused. I am so happy for you that you could tell your husband.

    I am also tired of constantly thinking about the drug. I can't have fun anymore because I am obsessed with thoughts about how many I have taken, when and how I will take my next one, how it is affecting my health, how many did I bring with me, how many do I have left, is it time to order more??? Well you know I guess. It is making me CRAZY!! I have to stop! So far the only people I have told are all of you and tomorrow I will tell a counselor. That is just going to have to be enough. I am going to have to do this like xrayman and 100% clean. I just can't tell anyone else.

    Hang in there and have a good day. I am praying for you. You are doing great. You are my inspiration. L.

     
    Old 09-22-2005, 04:54 PM   #29
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 33111 - Well, I just typed up a long answer and somehow, it disappeared without getting posted so this may be a little shorter. To answer your question about my breaking point after five years, I'm not sure exactly what it was to tell the truth. I can tell you that the first four years or so, I was using a milder narcotic than vicodin that didn't seem to be as harsh on my system as vicodin - I didn't crash as hard from it, it wasn't as expensive and I didn't start thinking of it as a huge problem until I started using vicodin full time last November. For some reason, when I crash from vicodin, it just makes me feel so much worse than from narcotics I've used in the past. I did have a period last year from June through late October that I didn't use at all but that was because my source ran dry, not because I wanted to quit. I was thinking about getting the drug every day during that four month period, the cravings never went away, but I'm hoping it was because I didn't want to quit. Then earlier this summer, I just knew I was never feeling really good. I've always tried to keep my usage about the same each day - when I was taking the milder narcotic, I wouldn't take more than four or five pills a day and with vicodin, I would try to limit myself to 4 10/325 miligram pills each day so as I kept using, I was really just barely keeping myself out of withdrawls each day. Towards the end, I was only feeling good about 2 or 3 hours each day anyway so I knew it was time to quit. Then about a month or so ago, I discovered this board and for some reason, XRAYMAN and FROGGIRL's stories captured my attention and I was so jealous that they were helping themselves and I was just flailing about posting here and there trying to decide what to do. I would taper down then back up try to figure out a game plan until last Friday, I finally decided it was NOW or never so I went COLD TURKEY and so far, no regrets although I have to tell you I still don't feel real great. I have chills today and feel like I have a low grade fever and am still feeling depressed mostly from still hating myself I think. I need to get over that as all of us addicts do. I did try to call the addiction counselor today but we've been trading voicemails all day long - hopefully I'll connect with her tomorrow. I'll be so glad when this week is over and I can relax at home on Saturday and Sunday. Then we had a huge storm last night and we're without power at home so have to go home and deal with that, figure out what to do with the refrigerated food etc. No fun, but could be worse. Anyway, hang in there. I know you'll get through this as well. Just once you make your decision, stick with it. I still feel pretty crappy, but I felt a lot worse six days ago, and I don't want to go through that again. If I didn't mention it before, just look at withdrawals as getting through a case of the flu - its not pleasant but you won't die from it. Try to plan at least a couple of extra days off of work if you can though. I just had Saturday and Sunday and then had to work a full week and it was hard to get through, but I made it! DAY SIX is officially over. On to DAY 7. Hurrah for that!

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-22-2005 at 04:57 PM.

     
    Old 09-23-2005, 03:45 PM   #30
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 33111 -- I'm anxious to hear how your appointment went today and how you're feeling about everything. I made it through DAY 7 - still determined to do this, but still feeling very chilled, weak, and tired, but those are my worst complaints today - a little depressed as well. Still haven't reached the addiction specialist counselor who was referred to me either and that's frustrating but I've told a couple more friends about my situation and it helps me to talk. I'm going to make it through this. I may pick up the book, the Purpose Driven Life" this weekend as well. I'm having a real hard time concentrating on anything right now though. My attention span is that of a third grader!! I hope that gets better soon! Take care - hang in there. I'm tired and going home to curl up with a warm blanket, but officially, I've made it a week. The worst has to be behind me as far as the physical symptoms I would hope. I was so terrified of the withdrawals so that's a good feeling at least. If I had it to do over again, I'd plan a few more days off work though.

     
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