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    Old 09-24-2005, 07:57 AM   #31
    331111
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi wendyrn and Jkhopeful,
    Well I drove around for 40 minutes yesterday crying because I could not find the address of my appointment. I must have called her 10 times while driving around sounding somewhat hysterical. All I got was her answering machine. I really needed to see her. I am so mad at myself for not making sure of the address way ahead of time. I will reschedule immediately as soon as she calls me back. I am sorry guys, I just feel so worthless right now.

    I haven't started the book "Purpose driven life" yet. For me it has to be all at the same time. I have to attack this demon head on with all that I have. I am almost out of pills. My attack plan includes the book and journal, counseling, and possibly meetings. Jkhopeful, I am so happy for you! You are so lucky to already be 7 days in to this. Keep me posted on the depression and cravings and how you are battling it. Keep up the great work. You can do this.

    Wendyrn, thank you for sharing your story. You are all my inspiration. I know I will be able to do this with all of your support. You guys will be walking me through my withdrawals soon. Right now I am preparing myself and getting everything in order. When I quit it will be forever. I have to have everything ready so I will not fail. I will also make sure I have a few days off from work. Thanks for listening. L.

     
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    Old 09-24-2005, 11:22 AM   #32
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 33111 & WendyRN

    33111, I was sad to read your post just because you sound so sad, but let me tell you first, YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS- you'll get through this - you are so much like me. You just flail about for awhile until you make the decision to take the plunge and then its still not easy. That's the hard part about making the decision - even once you make it, you have a lot of hard days ahead. WendyRN, I know you say we have a bright future and your treatment plan worked for you, but I have to say, you're scarin' me a bit - your treatment plan sounds a bit "cultish" to me. I'm not ready to hand my life over to anyone just yet. I'm still taking baby steps. I do know that I can't do this alone though. Its just too hard to get through the mental anguish of it all. I'm very weepy right now - I don't spend a lot of time crying - just feeling like I want to. I'm now on DAY 8 though and feeling a bit stronger, getting a little appetite, but I'm still so COLD. I'm fine when I'm up and about doing some physical activity but the minute I sit, I'm freezing. I wonder when that will go away?

    33111 - Hang in there - we'll get through this. We just each have to find our own way and KEEP POSTING. It really helps to find some "kindred spirits" out there. If you haven't already, take some time to read a lot of posts on this board - XRAYMAN has been especially helpful to me. Philster is another who has posted on here forever and has been very helpful to others - he's been clean a long time. Wendy, I appreciate your encouragement as well and don't mean to sound negative about your treatment approach - I just need to take it a little slow right now. For everyone out there who has either quit, or is trying to quit, hang in there. We can all make it!

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-24-2005 at 11:26 AM.

     
    Old 09-24-2005, 01:10 PM   #33
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    JK...good job! 7 days clean is great! You are on your way to gaining the life you want. Keep moving in the same direction, you are doing great.

    331111 - Hang in there. You can do this and it DOES get better. I hung around this board for a while before I was able to finally put some serious clean time together. For me, getting some outside help is what made a huge difference for me.

    Just don't give up. It's so worth it. I a have a year clean and sober today!

    Wendy, I really appreciate you sharing your story. You sound like you are doing really really well. Awesome!

    Take care,
    Patty

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 07:34 AM   #34
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Lightspirit,
    You sound like you know something about this. Your post touched me. It made so much sense. You are right, the addiction is not the problem, the addiction is making me forget about the real problems but how do I go about fixing them when I am not really sure I know what they are?? I just think I need to have a clean slate.I feel the only solution is to start over and I can't do that. I have had a pretty rough life. You would not know this by looking at me or meeting me. On the outside I have pulled it all together. On the inside I am hurting. I don't like me. I can't stand to think about the stuff that I have been through and stuff that I have done. It haunts me. I just wish I could start my life all over again. I know how to do it right. I need a second chance. I need for my husband and kids not to remember any of the bad stuff. I have not done anything illegal but I have definately humiliated myself on more than one occasion.

    If I tell you that I cannot tell my husband and kids because It would be the over-the-top thing on the list of humiliating things that I have done, are you telling me there is no hope for me?

    Toomany, thanks for your advice too. You are all so kind. I know one thing for sure....... you are all so kind and thoughtful. It feels good to come here where other people totally understand you. Please don't give up on me. L.

    Last edited by 331111; 09-26-2005 at 07:37 AM.

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 10:55 AM   #35
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Yes there is always hope. Even if you can't tell family get to a NA meeting. You can't do this alone. We will be here to help if we can. This board has been a pilar of strength for me, but you need that face to face interaction with other addicts. Talking, talking, talking is the key. You need a sponsor that you can call 24/7 when you feel the need to use. You can always start life over. You can't change the past, but you can change how you deal with the future. As families see changes in us, the past will slowly fade away. It doesn't happen over night. It may take years. I'm clean just over 30 days and have a long road ahead. Somedays it's hard when my family doesn't believe what I tell them. But I have no control over them. So I have to let them go. Take one minute at a time. Take one step at a time. If you fall, then get back up and take another step. The humiliation of having to tell my family/friends kept me using much longer than I needed. I had to hit bottom before I was able to reach out for help. Read my thread "Are there any crack addicts out there like me?" Keep coming back. We'll support you on good and bad days. We'll tell you things you may not want to hear or things you think you can't do. Take what you want and leave the rest. Have a good day.

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 12:05 PM   #36
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    33111 - We've all humiliated ourselves and done things we aren't proud of. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You have to do what's right for you, but we can all see how bad you're hurting and know you need some help. Take that first step (in addition to this board) and get the help you need. Its out there - you just need to find the right help. I'm scared to death of these outpatient programs with the 12 step approach - it sounds like a lot of hard work and I'm not very focused on spirituality right now so that's sort of standing in my way. I still called my assessment counselor back though to check it out further and so far , I've put in two phone calls to her with no return calls so I'm again very frustrated. I work in a fast paced business and always return client calls promptly and I get so impatient when I don't get a quick response to my calls. I'll keep trying. I'm now on DAY 10. Still feeling very cold and pretty depressed. Physical activity is the only thing that helps me warm up, but I can't be physically active 24 hours a day especially when I'm sitting in my office at work. Hang in there and we'll all help you find your way as I need some help finding mine.

    WendyRN - sorry about the "cult" remark - it was impulsive and not very thoughtful and I apologize - I'm just expressing my fear in a counter-productive way - I'm still afraid of my future. I only wish I could feel as good as you do. Keep posting. We need you!

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-26-2005 at 12:06 PM.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 07:13 AM   #37
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    Thanks Jkhopeful and Arememom,
    Jkhopeful HURRAY!!! Day 10! I am so happy for you I know I have said this before but "You go girl!". I am jealous that I am not there yet but I will be right there with you very soon. You said I sound sad, well I am right now but I know that is all going to change when I kick this thing. You will start getting happier too. Wenyrn sounds like she has been here before and she sounds really happy now. Her story sounded very encouraging to me.

    Arememom, I will read your thread tonight and hear your story. Wow, 30 days, that's awesome. I will be there soon with all of you. Soon, I promise. Every single time I come to this board it renews my hope. I am still tapering down, 3 5/500 a day. I have not and WILL NOT buy more. I am hoping I don't get too sick but I know I will. The difference will be that this time is self induced where other times were because I ran out.

    How do you forgive yourself for the bad things you have done and move on? My job provides me with a lot of quiet time and this is the time that the bad thoughts of my past haunt me. Sometimes I just can't clear my head of it.

    I have seriously been thinking about an NA or AA meeting. I have heard that they are both extremely helpful. But the thing is, will they help if I don't go through the steps? I don't know if I want to do that whole steps program but I would love the face to face support. Hearing their stories and telling mine. Kind of like this board but in person.

    What do you do? Look one up in the phonebook? Do you just walk into a meeting and sit down like you belong there. Is that a completely awkward or uncomfortable thing to do? Any input from anyone who has been there would be great.

    Keep up the good work everyone, I will check back later. I always look forward to hearing from you. L.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 01:17 PM   #38
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey 331111 and all,

    You can find out about NA meetings a lot of different ways. The NA internet sight will be able to give you a list of sights in your state. Also, the phone book will have local chapters, I think. I ordered some phamplets from the NA internet sight. One of them had a list of meeting places in the town I lived in. I'm so glad you are ready to take this very important step. It's important to have other recovering addicts there to support you. You will find a person at those meetings that you will want to ask to be your sponsor. Remember it is an honor to be a sponsor, so don't be afraid to ask. You also can get as many phone numbers of the folks at the meetings as you want. That way when you feel the urge to use, you can call someone. They will even come get you if needed to keep you from using. Also go to as many different meetings sights as possible. You may not like the first place you go. All meetings are basically the same, but the people are different. You must feel you have something in common. And we all do - we're all addicts. So I guess I'm saying you must like or feel comfortable with your fellow addicts.

    As far as going to meetings without going through the steps. You've done the first step already - 1st Step - "We admitted that we were powerless over addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." See how easy that was...lol.

    Actually you probably have already gone through several step and just don't realize it. Also, when we work the program, we do learn how to forgive ourself. It doesn't come overnight. But then again the addiction and being out of control didn't happen overnight either. One of the things the people at NA have taught me is - "Take What You Want and Leave The Rest. If what you want is to listen and talk at NA that's fine. No one will judge your decisions. Who are we to judge? We're just addicts! Every person is different and you have to find what works for you.

    Yes, you just walk into a meeting and have a seat. The oldies will show you the way. You don't have to talk unless you want too. At my first meeting all I did was cry. The only thing I could get out of my mouth was. Hi, I'm Teresa and I'm an addict. You have no idea how that felt. It was like a load lifted off my shoulders. When you tell them who you are, they will respond back "Hi Teresa". I'm crying as I type this, just remembering how I felt (a good cry!).
    And yes it is akward the first time, but for me that was it. At the second meeting, there were three new people.

    Also another part of recovery in NA is by helping other addicts who are trying to recover or stay clean you actually are helping yourself. And you have already done that also. Reading your post has helped me on so many day.

    Hope you have a great day. Keep Coming Back!!!

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 05:00 AM   #39
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 33111 & Arememom - Thanks so much for your tips about NA meetings. I just had another session with my original assessment counselor yesterday and finally have a session set up this evening with an addiction specialist that the assessment counselor recommended, but its at 8:30 tonight and while I'm still in this very weak state of withdrawals (hopefully towards the end of it), I'm exhausted by 8:30 p.m. But I am going to the appointment. I've decided for now, I'm going to attend a few NA meetings and see the counselor, keep coming to this board and put off the outpatient treatment for now. I have a high stress job where many nights, I can't leave at the exact time I need to be at the treatment center for the outpatient program so unless I'm willing to tell my boss ( which I don't believe I will ever be able to do without this impacting my career) what I'm going through, its just going to add one more stress to my life right now that I'm not ready to deal with. Plus I'm too exhausted at the end of each day to go from 6:00 to 9:00 three evenings a week after a stressful day at work. Plus my counselor told me that they expect you to be on time for every session or they throw you out of the program. They expect your work to work this out with you, but since I have made a personal decision not to tell my work, I just can't do it right now. I may make the decision to do it a little later when I'm feeling physically stronger,but I just can't face it right now. I'm going to get a book and try to work the 12 steps myself , talk to my therapist, my nephew is my sober buddy for now. He went through rehab at Hazelden so I'm hoping to get together with him this week as well. He's just a kid though so I know he's got a busy life. I'm so happy to have him in my life though. My husband doesn't really talk about my addiction other than to say he wants me to get better - that's as much as I can get out of him. But then, he rarely opens up about anything - very frustrating to me. Well, I'm now on DAY 12 - it will be at 5:00 p.m. today and still determined. Hang in there 33111 - with the tapering you've been doing, you're halfway through w/d's already! This empty feeling is hard to shake though and I'm still COLD!

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-28-2005 at 05:02 AM.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 09:45 AM   #40
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi Jk hopeful,
    I think about you alot. You can do this! You seem so much like me and it helps me to hear what you are going through.I hope you start feeling better soon. Do you have muscle aches with the cold? Most people say that the worst of it is over by the 3rd or 4rth day but like you I seemed to experience the withdrawal for weeks when I ran out before. I don't ever really remember feeling much better at all, but when you make the decision on your own to quit instead of having it made for you I think it helps. Some of the stories here are so encouraging. I just want to be happy again and not have that nagging little craving for that euphoric feeling.

    You are right as far as the withdrawals for me already. I feal really sh--y most of the time. I don't know why I am prolonging this by tapering??? I am just so afraid mostly of the weakness and the restless leg thing. I have gone through withdrawals before. I am scared. My job is very physical and if I am not feeling well it makes it 100 times worse, almost impossible to get through the day. I am sure I will end up calling in sick for at least two days.

    Are you still experiencing that "can't sit still in your own skin feeling?" That is one of the things I hated the most and I am having a little bit of that. This time when I quit completely I am going to keep a journal and if I ever feel tempted again i will refer back to it. I guess I am just rambling now. I just wanted to check in and say hi and I'm thinking about you.

    Arememom, I jumped around and read some of your posts. Did you get that job you were interviewing for? Are you feeling alot better now? Are still experiencing any withdawals? Do you have your energy back? Are you feeling happier? Sorry for blasting you with questions, I was just wondering how you are doing now
    Thanks guys, L.
    P.S. I know Arememom is from the south and Jkhopeful is from Minnesota (Brrrr....but beautiful!). I am from California

    Last edited by 331111; 09-28-2005 at 09:48 AM.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 10:34 AM   #41
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    331111,

    I know exactly what you are going through. I am on day 3 and feel pretty good and I owe all of that to tapering off of these things. It gives your body a chance to get used to not having the drug. It is hard for some and easy for others but if you do it the w/d's should be easier but everyone is different.

    I detoxed once before and I can tell you it does get better, you will wake up with so much energy you won't know what to do about it. It takes time but once you are past the 2 week period it should start going away (from my experience).

    Hang in there the hard part is over!

    BTW I am from Cali as well!

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 11:34 AM   #42
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi guys,

    Hope everyone is feeling better. It makes it so hard when you have to continue on with life (i.e. work, familiy life...) and withdrawals too. I can't imagine having to do that. For me going cold turkey off of crack seems so much easier than those who have withdrawl from pills. I didn't have any physical withdrawals other than some achy back pain. But I have arthritis and degenerative disc disease, so I don't know if the pain was from withdrawals or just my other diseases. Most of the crack issues are mental. Depression is a great factor. I have suffered from depression my entire life and can't tell any difference today. But who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. I am about 99% sure I have the new job. They offered me money yesterday, but want me to meet the owners in Huntsville next week for the final interview. I'll be shocked if I don't get it. Keep me in your prayers. My problem now is that I'm BORED to death. I was a work alcoholic before becoming a crackhead!! lol I thank God for the computer. It's my lifeline right now. No car until end of week. Had to have a new transmission $$$$. $1,400.00!! ouch!! Thanks for thinking of me and how you are doing well also.

    Jkhopeful, I totally understand your situation regarding your job. Don't need to add more stress at this point. You are on the right path. I'll stand beside and behind you all the way. You will feel better, I promise. I'm glad you're going to try some NA stuff. They have sights and online meetings. Try one online if you can. They are at night usually somewhere around 7-9pm Who knows I may see you there. Actually we all could plan to attend an online meeting. That would be kool. Then we wouldn't be alone and the new person.lol Let me know what ya'll think (was ya'll southern enough ) lol Hazleden??? I get inspirational messages from them daily in my email. Something I signed up for a while back.

    33111 Hope you are doing well today. Thanks for thinking about me. I had a few days when I thought about not posting any more due to some responses to some of my post. But I jumped right back on the wagon and followed my NA program. I have to remember to practice what I preach. Take what I want and leave the rest behind. Todays a happy day so far.

    jpsdad - You are doing great. Hang in there with us all. Keep on coming back. You are a great support and we'll be there for you when you need us. Bye for now.

     
    Old 09-29-2005, 07:08 AM   #43
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi jpsdad,
    It's good to hear from someone else who tapered down first. I thought I was the only one. Most everyone here has been quitting cold turkey(and doing great so far). I thought I was the only one doing it the wimpy way but I think I am actually prolonging my pain. We'll see. I am still at 3 5/500 a day for now then I will go to two and then 1 and then quit. At least that's my plan. That's all I have left. I am absolutely positive I will not buy more.

    You said you were on day three. Is that day three of the tapering or have you already done that and now you are day three clean? How much were you taking and how did you tackle it? It's always good to hear a new story.

    Arememom, an online NA meeting sounds great! Are we aloud to talk about that??? I better check and see. I hope you get that job! Let us know I hope your depression gets better. Hopefully the job will cure your boredom problem.You said you almost didn't post after something someone said to you. I hope people were not being mean, as I said I couldn't find all of your posts.Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing great.

    Jkhopeful, I didn't hear from you after last post I hope everything is ok. I am still scared but everyday I go through this tapering I tell myself I am one day closer to quitting for good.

    It's so uplifting to hear from all of you.
    Thanks so much guys. L.

     
    Old 09-29-2005, 11:48 AM   #44
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 331111,

    Hope you are feeling better today. Everyone has to get off the drugs in the way it works for them. Some people wean and some go cold turkey. You're not a wimp. I can't image the pain of withdrawl that the guys here have had. I thank God that there was little to no withdrawal physically from crack. They didn't wipe out the post, so I guess it's ok to talk about NA online meetings. I guess it's different than telling someone about other message boards, etc. I'll see if I can submit a question to the moderators and get an answer. Talk to ya soon.

    Your Friend Arememom.

     
    Old 09-29-2005, 12:59 PM   #45
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    I have to say I've been reading through these posts and we all sound so much alike. Do you realize 311111 that you sound just like I did a few weeks ago? I have a high stress, high powered, high responsibility job. Literally I cannot take a vacation without them calling me. Anyway, I was full of reasons why I couldn't take time off, couldn't make a meeting, couldn't get to out patient therapy, couldn't, couldn't couldn't do just about anything I needed to do to really make this work.

    Everyone is different. I agree we must do what works for us, but I agree with Arememom - you gotta drag yourself to NA. Even if it's uncomfortable at first. I have ran into plenty of people over the years I knew from work or other social situations who did not know I was in NA. We just laughed when we saw each other. We are there for the same reason - all of us.

    There are doctors, lawyers, nurses, mental health workers, CEO's, CFO's, mom's, dad's, housewives, homeless people...all walks of life. While we may be unique in our talents and gifts we are not unique in our addictions. It is not what you used, how much you used, where you got it, how you got it...none of that matters anymore. It is the mutual desire to get clean that makes the program of NA work.

    I personally think the face to face contact in NA is very very important. These boards are wonderful and I use them frequently, posting, asking for advice and reading, but ultimately those connections I make with people in my community, people who have become my friends, people who have become like my family...it is in those rooms that I have been saved.

    I was terrified to tell my husband. Terrified is not even the word to describe it. I had convinced myself he would take my kids and leave or kick me out on the street. I was that afraid and he is in recovery!! But I finally got the guts to tell him, then I relapsed, I finally got the guts to tell him again...I stopped and started so many times I'm sure he felt disgusted with me. But every time he supported me and he did not turn his back. Yes he was disappointed, yes he wished for my health, yes he became frustrated...but remember those vows - for better or worse - in sickness and health - for richer or poorer. If the shoe was on the other foot would you be by his side? I'll bet your family would be more support than you realize.

    Just for the record. I tried the taper program forever, like over 6 months and I just couldn't not do it. There are others that have had the determination and have tapered successfully. I could not, I am too weak. Even when I thought I was at my lowest and really ready to stop - I could not have the drugs in my posession. I went cold turkey two weeks ago. For me cold turkey was the way. The WD's were not nearly as bad as I expected. It was like having a case of the flu. I had been clean for almost 11 years before my relapse and it was extremely difficult for me to face the fact that I had really blown it and committ myself to just stopping. But I did. I am still loved by my family, I took a week off work and they survived without me and most importantly I survived the withdrawls. Tomorrow will be 14 days and I am feeling very good now.

    You can do it too!!!

    By the way....I'm one of those southerners too!! Keep posting yall......

    Last edited by BeginAgain; 09-29-2005 at 01:01 PM.

     
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