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    Old 09-30-2005, 07:09 AM   #46
    331111
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Thanks guys for all of your replys. I appreciate it.

    Beginagain,
    14 days! YAY!!! I read some of your posts and we really do sound a lot alike! I have such high hopes this time! If all off you who sound just like me can do this then I can too! Oh thank you all for all of your kind words! The tapering is still going ok for me. I am almost out of pills. You story gives me hope to maybe tell my husband. I am thinking about it.

    Arememom, I finally found the thread you were talking about and read it. You have really been through a lot. I wish you all the best in your recovery and I will pray for you. You are doing so great! did you find out if you can tell me about an online NA meeting?

    My counselor finally called me back. I drove around for 40 minutes last week looking for her office and couldn't find it.I was so upset. Well she finally called me yesterday and now I have an apointment set up for tuesday at 5:00. I will definately go find the place ahead of time this time. Has anyone heard from Jkhopeful? I am missing her on this board and it's only been a few days. I hope she is doing ok. I wish she were here to hear all of these things you have written lately. Well, I am off to work again. L.

     
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    Old 09-30-2005, 07:43 AM   #47
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 33111 - Glad to hear you're missing me. I've just been so busy the past couple of days that I haven't had time to post. My husband and I are going up to the cabin this weekend too and won't be back until Monday so probably won't be posting again until late Monday. But I'm doing fine and glad to hear you're doing better too. Phil, if you're reading this, keep responding to us. You've been such an inspiration on this board and its great to hear from you. I saw the counselor the other night who is the addiction specialist and I just loved her, but it was an exhausting experience. She thinks I should get back on anti-depressants though and I'm trying to avoid that. I just don't want to get on anything else that I ever have to withdraw from ever again! I'm keeping an open mind though. I also had a long chat with my nephew who did his rehab at Hazelden three years ago and has not relapsed (from methamphetamines, ecstasy, and a bunch of other stuff) and he's going to introduce me to some good NA/AA meetings around here so I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I'm finding that I just need to talk about this all the time to people who understand. I have some great friends to talk to but they aren't addicts and they don't quite get it so I need to expand to meet others who have been through this. Anyway, I don't have much time now, and I somehow just deleted the post I just wrote (that's the second time I've done that now - don't know how I managed to do that all the time!). If I have time, I'll write more later, but likely, you won't hear from me until Monday. I'm really busy right now at work and I'm going to try to start going to meetings at night so don't worry if I don't post every day. For now anyway, I promise I'm not relapsing! I'm still so determined to not use ever again. Its the beginning of Day14. I have to say - it seems much longer. Its been a long two weeks - I'm glad its behind me, but I know there's a lot of hard work ahead to beat this "beast"!! Have a fabulous weekend. I'm going to at least try to enjoy it. Weather is still great here in Minnesota and the fall color is spectacular.

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-30-2005 at 07:46 AM.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 10:57 AM   #48
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey everyone,

    I emailed the moderator regarding the NA Online Meetings. I'll post a new thread with something in the title if they say it's ok. Talke to ya guys soon.

     
    Old 09-30-2005, 11:37 PM   #49
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey guys,

    I emailed the moderator and bad news. We can't talk about the NA online meeting with specific details. He/She said sorry but if they allowed one then they would have to allow all. I understand but it sure is frustrating. I attended the online meeting tonight and it was great. I guess the only thing I can say is surf the net and see if you can find it. Hope everyone is having a good night.

     
    Old 10-03-2005, 07:18 AM   #50
    331111
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi Guys,
    I hope all is well with everyone. Jkhopeful, how are you feeling? Beginagain is having a rough time of it and you two quit right about the same time. I hope she starts to feel better soon.

    It's monday morning and I am feeling weak and scared. I am already going through slight withdrawals. Friday will be my first totally clean day. Does anyone have any advice for cleansing my body faster? Any vitamins or anything that might help ease the withdrawals? Anything to ease the weakness? Any advice from anyone on anything at all that helped during any phase would be appreciated.

    I see my counselor tomorrow. Oh, I am so scared of all of this. I just don't want to have the cravings forever! I plan to change some things in my life around(like furniture, different routes to work etc.). They say that helps with the cravings.
    thanks for listening. L.

     
    Old 10-03-2005, 12:35 PM   #51
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey 331111,

    Get ready for the weekend honey. We'll be here every step of the way. You know from reading on the board what's coming. That's why you're scared. Get your OTC meds ready - nausea med, aleve/ibuprophen. Remember tons of hot baths, massages, sitting in the sunshine (even if it's for 5-10 minutes). Remember it's important to at least drink fluids and stay hydrated. Eat something (even if it's crackers or popcorn) every few hours if possible. Whatever food you can get and keep down will keep your body strong. What do you like to do to relax? (read, watch movies, soothing music..... Have those things ready. You know you may only be able to sleep (or lay around and rest) for at least the first 4-5 days or maybe more. Put your mind in a strong place, that you can do this. You know it will be hard, but you are stronger than you think today. During the days ahead read and post as much as you can. When you help us, you're also helping you're self. Even when you don't feel like you can do anything on Friday and after - come here and read and post. We'll be posting to you and waiting to hear from you. We will win this war together. Good Luck!!

    Love ya/Your friend
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-03-2005, 03:28 PM   #52
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    My goodness this was a rich and helpful thread. Everybody has so much to offer and everyone has suffered too. I'm tapering and down to 28mg a day now. Friday is still it. I'm getting scared. I'm one of them busy business guys too with many people wanting a piece of me everyday. But I have an appointment with my therapist Wednesday. I'm going to ask him about referring me to an addiction specialist. I'm not just addicted to Vic.......it has taken me awhile to realize that. Someone said that quiting your addictions is just like losing your job. Man, that so right on! I'm not afraid of withdrawal more so of what is ahead. Phew! Thanks everybody.

     
    Old 10-03-2005, 10:35 PM   #53
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Tripleair,

    We'll be here for you all this weekend. Sounds like there are quite a few getting ready for the big day on Friday. Good Luck!!

    Your friend
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-04-2005, 07:01 AM   #54
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Thanks Arememom,
    I know you will be there. I know the minute I feel weak or need talked down off that ledge you will be there. You are so kind and understanding. How is your job going? Are you keeping yourself busy? Don't let yourself get bored.Right now boredom is the enemy for all of us.

    Tripleair,
    Are you ready? We can do this. I also have tapered down to about the same. The headaches and weakness are already kicking in.I figure my worst day will be Monday and in my line of work I am off on Monday because it is a holiday It sounds great now but I don't think I will be having much fun on Monday. I am scared and excited all at the same time. I have my first appointment with my counselor tonight after work. Well it's actually the second but that's a long story. I never made it to my first.

    Jkhopeful, I'm excited to hear about your weekend up at the cabin. I hope all is going well for you. How are you feeling now?

    The one thing I do know is you guys will all be hearing from me all weekend.
    Thanks for being there. We are all in this thing together, L.

     
    Old 10-04-2005, 10:11 AM   #55
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi everyone

    I'm back from the cabin and did manage to post to one thread while I was up there but it wasn't a very uplifting post so I'm glad I didn't post to this one. I have an old clunky computer up at the cabin with a slow connection and at the time I was posting, no one had added much to this thread so I went to another one and didn't get back to this one as I got impatient with the connection. I told my husband the other day, I divide my days into "bad days" and "mediocre days". Today is a mediocre day. Sunday, I was having a really bad day. I didn't sleep well on Saturday night and I think that contributed to how lousy I felt on Sunday and the sun wasn't shining on Sunday either. The rest of the weekend wasn't so bad. My biggest complaint is still that I have no energy and I'm still cold. 33111, we will all be listening and pulling for you as you go through withdrawals this weekend. The first few days won't be easy, but I'd have to say I've had cases of the stomach flu that have been worse for a few days. What's been the most difficult for me is developing "coping skills." In the past, when I needed to cope with an especially stressful situation, I just popped a vicodin and I can't do that anymore. Today, my boss just sent me a somewhat scathing e-mail about something that one of my staff did on Friday that I didn't catch and normally, I would have taken a vicodin to cope before responding to his e-mail. He works in another building so we often communicate by e-mail. Anyway, I dealt with the issue without my drugs,but it was difficult. One of the things my counselor wants to work on with me is developing coping skills because obviously, I haven't done very well with that over the years. Thanks to everyone on this thread for all your support. Its great to know there are others out there like me. I hate telling people who are just now withdrawing that I'm on Day 18 and still depressed, but everyone is different and responds to withdrawal in different ways. I will say that I'm physically stronger than I was two weeks ago, but I'm still feeling pretty empty inside and I know I have a lot of work to do to deal with that emptiness. Take care everyone. Its so good to hear from everybody.

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 10-04-2005 at 10:13 AM.

     
    Old 10-04-2005, 12:29 PM   #56
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey 331111 ,
    I am sooooooo new to this, matter of fact, this is the first *typing* on this board that i do,for hours now, I have been going through this thread(?)webpage, & 331111 your story touched my heart, your drive to quit has...I am with you girl!!!YOU CAN DO IT!!!why? Because you have determination!!!& You mentioned that your backslidden, well ya know what.....thats awesome! No!!! NOT awesome that your backslidden, its AWESOME THAT YOU **KNOW YOU ARE!!** B/cuz that says to me that your being convicted by the HolySpirit, & i believe that you need to reach to God/Jesus & grab hold of *hope & faith* to obtain this goal of being set free from this bondage the enemy is trying to hold you down with!!! Girl, LETS TAKE BACK what he stole from us, & that is OUR FREEDOM!!!! You & I can do it !!!!
    .... I really do want to be here for you, to be a part of your support team(which we have to have one!!!) b/c im going to need you & the others too....as i am going to get the Victory in Jesus over methadone, & my freedom back as well!!!! I hope this post has encouraged you in some way or another, & 331111, you can honestly do it!! & so can i, so can ALL OF US !! We *WILL DO IT TOGETHER!!!* & plus we have others that are here for us too!!! & We're here for them !! I put a very breif description of me on my profile, for ya'll to read....b/c im new here, Congradulations to all who was free'd from the enemy's bondage, & *We can do all things through JesusChrist who strengthens us! Phillipians 4:13*
    One last thing, 331111, if you want us to talk on a more personal/private level, about your spiritual life((where victory begins & stays)), i'd be MORE THAN WILLING to help edify your inner man!! we'll email each other to start, Healing & freedom, starts from within!! You have to want it! & wanting it with just mere thoughts, is not enough to reclaim your victory. If you were asked: Where does your determination come from? You would answer: *From Deep Within*...right?right!! Well.....thats my point: I can help you in this area, I know I can... *Your Inner man, needs to be let loosed!! It All Starts From Within* ..... *Lets do this 2gether with Jesus* I totally feel that to fight off demonic bondage, can not be done in human strength, we have to rely on Devine Strength, & after all....2 is better than 1! I'm here for you , I'm here for anyone who needs spiritual edification!! This is a battle, & the victory was already won!! I'm not perfect, & I'm not claiming to have all the *spiritual answers*, b/cuz i too, need freedom from medication, that started with dental care , I'm just saying that to be freed from such, will take a power that is higher than humanity could even brew up! (For i have not given you a spirit of fear, but of Love, POWER, & A sound mind!) Let me know 331111(or anyone else)

     
    Old 10-04-2005, 02:35 PM   #57
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    thanks for the thumbs up Armemom. 33111.....yes, I'm ready. I'm picking up some of the OTC stuff for the detox recipe today. I'm hoping it works and I hope you are ready too! I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I've never told him about any of this and have not seen him in a couple of years. I'm not sure what is going to happen at the appointment but at least I will hopefully have some support outside of the board here. I know it should be my family but honestly, I'm not too close to them anymore. Those that I'm closer with are all messed up with their own problems..........sorry to be a downer. We can do this!!!!

     
    Old 10-04-2005, 05:18 PM   #58
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi tripleair - you're not a downer - just honest. I've got some family members I would never confide in either. To me, that is such a personal choice. It's good you've got your therapist at least. I should go back and read more of your posts I guess. How long have you been using? You're probably like a lot of us. I guess what I'm having such a hard time accepting is that I really can never us opiates again EVER (at least that's what I'm saying at this point - I don't know what I'll do if I need some major surgery or something!) Even all the years I wasn't using every day, it was always something that was there for me to think about getting, think about having, think about feeling that the pills gave me. Right now, I just feel so blah and I don't like feeling this way, but I know I won't use again in the near future and I really want you and 33111 to get through these withdrawals. I have to say as much as I was dreading the first few days of withdrawing, it wasn't as bad as I expected. Its these weeks following that are harder than I expected. I just want to feel better faster (of course, I want instant gratification - I'm an addict!) My counselor told me its going to take awhile and I don't know what she means by awhile. Anyway, hang in there - you can do it. I did cold turkey from 45 miligrams a day and it didn't kill me - if you're down to 28, it shouldn't be so bad. No walk in the park - but not so bad either.

     
    Old 10-04-2005, 08:30 PM   #59
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi guys,
    I have to be honest with you, I am not doing so well today. I only took one pill today and the withdrawals are already bad. I am cold and achey and have a bad sinus headache. My appointment with the counselor did not go well. This was a counselor through the EAP program at my job(all confidential), but she really didn't seem like she knew what she was doing. She wasn't really listening, you know what I mean? I was pouring out my heart while she was shuffling through papers. She told me to see a phsyciatrist because I sounded like I was depressed and may need medication.

    I came home and tried to go to an online pharmacy but my computer was running slow and did not connect. Go figure. I have been praying constantly, I guess God really is looking out for me. I really need someone to talk me out of this. Ok so what if I make it through the physical withdrawals? Then I have to deal with the mental stuff. My husband wants to take a ride on his harley this weekend to see the fall colors and I totally associate this with taking a vicodin before we leave and totally enjoying the ride. I need some help. I have not ordered any more medication but I know I am out in two days and it's a battle.
    I feel like I have a little angel on one shouder telling me that I can do this and a little devil on the other saying there's no way just go online and order now. It's bad, guys really bad. L.

    Last edited by 331111; 10-04-2005 at 09:04 PM.

     
    Old 10-04-2005, 09:42 PM   #60
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey 331111,

    Sorry you're having a bad day. But you will have to take one minute at a time now. And for every second, minute, hour and day you don't order or get more of you DOC you are moving forward. It is very important that you take OTC meds to treat your symptoms. You'll end up taking tons of them while going tapering and going cold turkey. You'll be popping more pills than normal. But they won't be the addictive kind. Treat all symptoms - aching, nausea, sinus, etc. I found that Aleve works better for me than Ibuprophen/Advil. Remember those hot baths too.Also sorry to hear about your visit with the counselor. But I do agree at least temporarily you may need anti-depressants. Try to hold on, it will pass.

    jkhopeful as i was reading your post and you were talking about you could never use opitates again it reminded me of something my friend (16 yrs. clean from IV Dilaudid) said to me. She went into rehab three different times and prison twice before getting clean. She was always taught that she could NEVER use again in rehab. But when she decided to really get and stay clean she started to NA. She got a sponsor and was talking to her one day. She made the statement to her sponsor that she could NEVER use again. She told me that what her sponsor said set her free. Her sponsor told her , "yes you can. You can go out right now, buy some dilaudid and shoot up. The choice is yours". She said something changed with her at that moment. It wasn't that she COULDN'T, It was that she was choosing not to use. She still has her moments, but it took that terrible craving away in the beginning of her recovery. And good for you not having to pop a pill to deal with your bosses email.

    Have a good day and take one day at a time.

     
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