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    Old 10-05-2005, 05:44 AM   #61
    daystocome
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 331111!

    Hope this morning finds you feeling better! Do not go to that online pharmacy. Don't! Most of them are gone anyway. I too am in the midst of withdrawls and it is really hard. I am down to 20 mg's a day...from taking 80 mg's per day a week ago. I am starting to feel better. These darn legs hurt so much. 600mgs of Advil does help, along with some exercise and stretching. My hope and plan is to be totally off the hydrocodone by Sunday or Monday.

    My mind is feeling clearer now. I am sorry you appt with the counselor did not go so well.

    You can make it through the physical part. Then I think the mental part will follow. You will learn to enjoy things again. Your body/brain will remember what true happiness is like.

    Stay strong love. Do not even tempt yourself with a visit to any online pharmacies. You don't need them. You can do this. There seems to be quite a few of us struggling along with you right now. Do you ever wonder just what exactly we have done to ourselves? I want the old me back. I bet you feel the same. Our old selves are in there somewhere...the pills did not steal our old selves...just hid it from us...we gotta search and find the people we use to be....we are on a mission!

    Take care...let us know how you are this morning!

     
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    Old 10-05-2005, 09:16 AM   #62
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 33111 - My heart is breaking for you this morning. I so know how you feel. Its such a tough decision. I associate vicodin with almost everything pleasurable I ever did, but I also associate it with a lot of very displeasurable things now. I hope you haven't placed an order, but if you have, this just isn't your time yet and your time will come. I can't tell you how many times I told myself, this is the last bottle I'll order and then I'd go do it again. We all have made promises to ourselves and failed. I hope for your sake you go through with this. I'm also sorry to hear about your counselor. She failed you and just is not the right person for you. I was lucky with the help/support that I got right away but you have to keep trying. In the end though, no matter how great the counselors are, its our own personal decision to quit. Of course, they think we need anti-depressants! We are depressed about this! Who wouldn't be? I'm not so sure that's always the answer though. I'm having a fairly good day today - I'm finding a lot of my problems are driven by hormones - I'm right in the throes of peri-menopause and it is not a good time to be withdrawing from vicodin but I'm still determined to do it. I hope you hang in there, but if you don't withdraw completely this week, you'll do it soon. But if you're down to one pill a day and you're almost out of pills, maybe the time is right. We're all pulling for you. I just want you to know that I'm feeling your pain right now. I've felt your agony and I've lived through it and I'm still plugging away. You will too.

    Jan

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 10-05-2005 at 09:17 AM.

     
    Old 10-05-2005, 10:40 AM   #63
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey 33111. I had a heck of a night popping wide awake at 4AM, sweating, and cramping. But I got up, drank a bunch of water, and went to another room in the house with a comfy couch and meditated back to sleep. It was weird that my mind was just RACING with all this anxiety and it seemed my body followed. As soon as I turned my mind off, through some old yoga techniques, I actually fell back asleep. I've had those thoughts too about the pharmacy. I actually grabbed my wallet and my credit card. Guess what? The card expired in September and I must of recycled the replacement card. That stopped me. THe world does work in mysterious ways.

    Hang on there. I would love to do this with someone else. You have made it this far 33111! How are you today? For what its worth, I'm ok but a little shakey. I'm going for a jog this afternoon. Maybe that will make me feel a bit better. I hope you are ok. And thanks for the "you can do it again but you choose not to" advice Armemom. That was great to hear!

    Last edited by tripleair; 10-05-2005 at 10:41 AM.

     
    Old 10-05-2005, 11:54 AM   #64
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    My first step for you would be to pray and meditate, i think this is a good course of action for a second step. It sounds like you know there is a problem. And YES, you can reach a sober happiness with a clear head, I've done it b4 and felt better than I had b4. Unfortunately other addictions started to plague me- but you can feel good sober. I hope all will work out for you, peace
    nimzo

     
    Old 10-05-2005, 12:33 PM   #65
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey 331111,

    Your higher power took care of you last night. That's why the card was expired..... good for that higher power. If you turn it over to the higher power it take care of a lot of things. Hope today is a better day.

    Your Friend
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-05-2005, 12:45 PM   #66
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi guys. I'm watching and hanging on every word. I'm still hanging in there. Last use was September 16th. I still have days where I feel crappy but more of it is emotional than physical. In those tempting moments just talk yourself down from the ledge if that's all you can do at the moment. I've actually chanted outloud "YOU CAN DO THIS", "YOU CAN DO THIS", over and over again. My sponsor told me once when you don't know what to do...just sit still and feel the feelings - don't act. It passes. ALso think it through to the end..follow the progression in your head from what would happen if you picked up again to the end.
    It's so much easier to give advice than take your own, I've had some really lousy days in the past couple of weeks, just mentally crappy, on the verge of throwing in the towel...but in the end it is not worth it!! Think about starting over with all this and the pain, confusion, disappointment & guilt you'd feel...NO WAY MAN!! I do not want to go back there!! Hang in there guys we are doing it!!

     
    Old 10-05-2005, 12:56 PM   #67
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey BeginAgain,

    You sound just like me. Can always give out that good advice, but hard to follow it myself somedays. But we're only human. We'll never be perfect and things will not always be rosey, even after we are years clean. It's just that we'll learn how to deal with problems the healthy way. Not with drugs.
    Hope your day is good.

    Your Friend,
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-06-2005, 07:14 AM   #68
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    HI everyone - 33111- tripleair - arememom - How is everyone today? I think about everybody all the time and truly wish we could all sit in a room together. I'm having a little bit of a "weepy" morning - didn't sleep well last night and yesterday I had a really good day. I think though that I'm expecting too much. I had dinner with my nephew last night who has been clean from many different drugs (mostly methampetamines) for over three years now and I told him I just hate feeling so "blah" and he just laughed and said "welcome to the drug-free world, Jan". So I guess I just need to find things to do that make me happy for short periods of time right now and stop expecting to be jumping up and down with happiness every minute of every day - that's unrealistic. I have a lot of great friends, a pretty good job, supportive husband (even though he's not as emotionally available as I would like), two wonderful sons who I love more than life so what do I have to feel blah about??? Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. I hope you guys are doing well. Have a great day if you can. Its been very dismal here this week weather-wise - lots of rain and thunderstorms - and I'm still COLD all the time. I wish that would go away. Take care!

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 10-06-2005 at 07:16 AM.

     
    Old 10-06-2005, 08:18 AM   #69
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi Everyone,
    You guys are great! I mean it. I know you are worried about me but I made it! I am one morning clean and sober I am out of the vicodin and did not order more. It was tough though, almost impossible.

    I did not post yesterday for a number of reasons. I was up most of the night the night before last with a migraine (one of the worst in my life!) An OTC migraine medication seemed to help very well with that(thanks Arememom for the advice on the OTC drugs). I also felt very sick yesterday and cried very hard most of the day at work, I guess that must be yet another wonderful withdrawal symptom.

    Then my family had to deal with something somewhat traumatic yesterday late afternoon for a couple of hours and you know what? I did not once during that time think about how I was feeling! Which made me realize if I can only just take my mind off of all of this for a while I will be alright. It's just hard when you feel like sh-- to make yourself do anything.

    You are right Jkhopeful about associating all of the fun happy times with the drugs. That will be the hardest thing for me to overcome. I enjoy many things and I don't want to give those things up. i will have to learn how to do those things without the drugs.

    I slept very well actually last night (with an ambien, sorry I am not giving that up yet) and I had a dream about all of you at an NA meeting with me. I woke up feeling pretty good about all of this. I think I am going to be ok. You are all truly my inspiration! You are all battling but doing so well at the same time! You are winning! I know it is hard for all of you, Iknow Beginagain is especially having a hard time but WE CAN DO THIS!

    Hang in there Tripleair, I am with you.Thanks all of you,L.

    Last edited by 331111; 10-06-2005 at 08:21 AM.

     
    Old 10-06-2005, 05:58 PM   #70
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 331111 - Glad to hear from you and by now, I would guess you've made it through Day 1 and every day clean and sober is an accomplishment. I've had a lot of days with tears as well - not all day long tears - but definitely some tears. I take trazadone every night to sleep and am not giving that up any time soon either. I'm glad to hear you're doing reasonably well on this first day and hopefully, you have a long weekend at home to help you get through this (after tomorrow). I hope everyone else out there is doing well tonight. I didn't have too bad of a day. Tomorrow is Day 21 for me. Hurrah!!

     
    Old 10-06-2005, 08:31 PM   #71
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey 331111,

    Yeah!!!!! I'm so glad you are clean today. Good for you, having the strength to not order. As tough as it was, you made it. It was not impossible. Remember it's one minute at a time right now. And as the physical withdrawal symptoms pass you will get even stronger. I'm glad you were able to sleep last night. It really help when you can get the rest you need. I hope you get to rest tonight and have a better day tomorrow. Expect to have your ups and downs. I burst into tears quite often everyday for many days when I was first getting clean. Your emotions will be all scrambled up. Your body is fighting a war right now and you're winning!!!

    Your friend,
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 07:17 AM   #72
    331111
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi guys,
    I'm glad to hear you are all doing ok too. We will all make it with each others support. Arememom, I read more of your thread yeasterday but didin't have much time to respond. My heart goes out to you. You are so strong to have made it this far. You can do it. Let me let you in on a little secret, my daughter and ex-husband are crack addicts. They are homeless and in and out of jail. My brother and sister are somewhat functioning crack addicts but on their way down. I told you guys I'e had a rough life. This is such a long story with no time to tell right now but I have to say I have an idea what you are going through. You are awesome for staying clean right now. You can do this!

    I am off to work right now so I have to run. Withdrawals aren't so bad yet. I expect today to be a pretty bad day. I am 1 1/2 days clean and sober!

    Jkhopeful,beginagain, and tripleair, I hope you all are doing well. L.

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 07:44 AM   #73
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Like you, I was addicted to alcohol and other drugs. This coming Jan. 30, I will have 5 years clean and sober. Is it easy? NO. It is a daily struggle-some worse than others. I personally got help through a 12 step program. No one needs to know when I go to these meetings. That's what's great about them-they're "anonymous". For a long time, I only listened. When I finally realized that all of these people were fighting the same battle, I started speaking. Although at times it is tough, I feel so much better. I wouldn't trade my sobriety for lottery winnings. It is possible--with effort and determination on your part. Please look into these programs. It's worth a shot.

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 10:08 AM   #74
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 331111
    I am new here. I have been hanging out for a while reading your posts. I am 42 years old and have been drinking off and on since I was 16. I had a dysfunctional childhood but that's no excuse right? I am addicted to vicodin right now. I have been using it off and on for about 8 years. I am taking about 8 5/500 a day.Between alchohol and vicodin I take something everyday. Why can't I just be ok with a clear head? Why do I have to have that fuzzy feeling? I am so worried about my health.I obsess constantly about my liver and kidneys.Why can't I just stop taking it??? I am an intelligent woman yet I continue to make bad choices. I want to stop and don't know how. I am so completely ashamed. I would be crushed if my husband or kids found out. I called and made an appointment for counseling yesterday and sat and sobbed afterward I think because I felt this was my first step. I am hoping the counseling will help heal whatever the problem is in my brain so I can make good choices once and for all. Has anyone out there ever been where I am and made it to a point where it feels good to be in reality, clear headed, sober? I have wasted so much of my life. I don't want to waste anymore. I would rather die than tell my family. Can I do this on my own with counseling? Is it possible? Please help.

    my good wishes are with you my friend... you are a good person..

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 11:39 AM   #75
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    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hey everyone,

    331111 hope your day at work went well. I'm off to my third interview with the same company. I think it's just a formality at this point. Hopefully when I get back home today, I'll officially have the job. I have to meet the Vice President in Huntsville, which is about an hour and a half from where I live. Keep your fingers and toes (lol) crossed and pray. I prayed for a long time this morning, asking God to give me strength to deal with people issues today. I'm sorry to hear about the crack addicts in your life. And like yours my story is very long starting way, way back in my childhood. I just thought it's really amazing that it took me 48 years to get to this terrible point in my life. But today I'm clean and that's we can ask for a day at a time. I'll look to see how your went and how you're doing when I get back.

    new1 - Can't wait til I'm clean as long as you. Just think when I'm 5 years clean, you'll be 10 years. Makes me smile just to think about it.

    Your friend,
    Armemom

     
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