It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Addiction & Recovery Message Board

  • I am devastated and need help



  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 09-12-2005, 11:31 AM   #1
    331111
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    331111's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 47
    331111 HB User
    I am devastated and need help

    I am new here. I have been hanging out for a while reading your posts. I am 42 years old and have been drinking off and on since I was 16. I had a dysfunctional childhood but that's no excuse right? I am addicted to vicodin right now. I have been using it off and on for about 8 years. I am taking about 8 5/500 a day.Between alchohol and vicodin I take something everyday. Why can't I just be ok with a clear head? Why do I have to have that fuzzy feeling? I am so worried about my health.I obsess constantly about my liver and kidneys.Why can't I just stop taking it??? I am an intelligent woman yet I continue to make bad choices. I want to stop and don't know how. I am so completely ashamed. I would be crushed if my husband or kids found out. I called and made an appointment for counseling yesterday and sat and sobbed afterward I think because I felt this was my first step. I am hoping the counseling will help heal whatever the problem is in my brain so I can make good choices once and for all. Has anyone out there ever been where I am and made it to a point where it feels good to be in reality, clear headed, sober? I have wasted so much of my life. I don't want to waste anymore. I would rather die than tell my family. Can I do this on my own with counseling? Is it possible? Please help.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 09-12-2005, 12:46 PM   #2
    Felicia65
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    Felicia65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Posts: 396
    Felicia65 HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hello, i wish I had the answer for you , But I don't I know there are others who have walked in your shoes because I have read there post, and I am sure they will be alone in a few... To help you more, But I really think you will not be able to do this alone, you need some help, and thats okay.. Call an aaa and go to there mettings that is a step in the right direction, You can live a happy life with out drinking and the pills You just have to put one foot in front of the other and do what it takes to get clean.. YOU have already took the first step by seeing that you need help, so keep up the work>>>> GOD loves you....................FELICIA

     
    Old 09-12-2005, 01:00 PM   #3
    jkhopeful
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    jkhopeful's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: Minneapolis, MN
    Posts: 142
    jkhopeful HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Dear 33111 - You sound a lot like me. I've been posting here off and on for about 3 or 4 weeks now trying to decide what to do. I finally called a doctor who uses suboxone for withdrawal last week and she hasn't even bothered to return my call! Now today, I've decided to call the Behavioral Health Department at my clinic and get some help. I have a habit about like yours I take anywhere from 3 to 5 (10/325) Vicodin per day and I absolutely have to stop. My vicodin habit has only been for the last year or so but prior to that, I was taking something called dihydrocodeine which is very similar and that I was taking for about five years (daily) so we have similar backgrounds. This is the first time I've been totally serious about quitting though. When I've given it up in the past, its been because my source ran dry. I'm like you, I don't want to tell my husband either - I probably will end up telling him, but so far I haven't wanted to see the disappointment in his face. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know. Anyway, let's do this together. We can do it! I consider myself a pretty intelligent person as well and I consider it a personal failure that I can't just quit on my own. I have to say I did quit last year for about five months and I still recall the cravings I had every day, but then I wasn't really committed to quitting. I'm going to do it this time, but I know I need some professional help. I'm going to call this afternoon and get an appointment for an assessment. I think I just need to spill my guts to someone I don't know! Thanks for your post. You're not alone out there. There are hundreds of us!!!

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-12-2005 at 01:02 PM.

     
    Old 09-12-2005, 03:30 PM   #4
    keepongrowing
    Member
    (female)
     
    keepongrowing's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 77
    keepongrowing HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Welcome...I am so sorry to meet you under these circumstances. I have been in a similiar place, addicted to vicodin, quit a million times and finally have stopped permanently. The difference was getting help. Everyone is different but I think most people need some type of help or support to recover. It actually has been a helpful thing to finally get rid of this sick secret!

    I told my husband, some close friends, my psychiatrist and people in NA. It wasn't easy but it has made such a huge difference that I know I did the right thing. And people have been nothing but supportive. I have not had an addiction problem before I started taking painkillers, work in the mental health and substance abuse field and had a lot of pride on the line with regards to disclosing. I really think you need some type of treatment...have you gone to an NA meeting or tried any type of counseling?

    I know there are people who seemed to have been successful in quitting and haven't told anyone in their life, I am thinking of Xrayman here on this site, but I think that he is an exception. I am just trying to share my experience...you are not alone and anything is possible, maybe you can quit without telling people. But I encourage you to try and keep an open mind, if you can't quit on your own please consider what I have suggested. It is not a failure and is usually in my experience way easier and more helpful then people think. Our addiction messes with our mind and makes up think in a distorted way, that other people won't understand or will leave us.

    You might also benefit from getting checked out medically. You might have a health problem or a mood disorder which maybe making this thing much harder for you. I hope in some small way this has been helpful. There are tons of people who have successfully quit, there is no reason why you can't be one of them.

    Take care,

    Susan

     
    Old 09-12-2005, 05:03 PM   #5
    jkhopeful
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    jkhopeful's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: Minneapolis, MN
    Posts: 142
    jkhopeful HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    so "keep on growing" - how did you go about getting help. I mentioned on my previous post - I called a doctor who is a provider within my plan that I found on a website who works with suboxone in helping substance abusers with withdrawals. I called her office last Thursday, got an indefinite answer from her nurse or whoever took the call that she could only accept so many people into her program and I haven't even received a call back. I had asked for a phone call back even if she couldn't accept me into her program so its very frustrating. Now I don't know if I even want to see that doctor. I feel like I need to work with a medical doctor to begin with though because I feel I've been neglecting my medical health. For example,I've never wanted to undergo any significant bloodwork because I'm afraid my addiction will be uncovered. Today, I went into a private conference room at work to call the Behaviorial Health Assistance number of my health plan to try to get an appointment for an assessment and they were already closed for the day (it was after 5:00 p.m.) I guess I have to call between 8:00 and 4:30. I'll try again tomorrow. I'm just not comfortable with my family doctor so he's out. He's like my grandfather and I guess I'm fearful of disappointing him! Its all so sick! I guess I'll try the behavioral health # again tomorrow and see what happens. Tell me more about your history. You said you were using vicodin. How much, how long? I'm just interested in how you went about getting help. I know I need some professional guidance. I just haven't quite figured out what to do yet I guess, but hopefully the behaviorial health clinic can help me tomorrow. Its just so frustrating. I've finally made up my mind to get some help and I can't seem to get a quick answer and you know we addicts like instant gratification - we don't like to wait for anything!!! Thanks for listening.

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-12-2005 at 05:04 PM.

     
    Old 09-12-2005, 06:03 PM   #6
    keepongrowing
    Member
    (female)
     
    keepongrowing's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 77
    keepongrowing HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi JKhopeful!

    I am happy to share my story. I had used painkillers in college and loved them but did not really have much access and I guess I wasn't yet addicted enough to dr shop, get hurt on purpose etc. The problem took hold about 2 and 1/2 years ago, and 15 years past college, when I discovered the evils of internet pharmacies. Things got pretty quickly out of hand. My story like so many others here...I thought they made feel great and do things better. My tolerance went up quick and pretty soon I was doing 20-25 750's maybe more on heavy days, I didn't count I think out of guilt or denial. I am not sure which.

    The internet provided me with a sometimes endless source. I made myself sick a couple of times, went cold turkey several times and others tappered off, all to return again to the same sick cycle. I did manage to begin putting longer clean times together, up to 2 months at a time. I think that I made myself so sick that I scared myself and told my husband and psychiatrist out of fear. I have seen someone on and off for years for anxiety (again typical for a lot of us pillheads) so I had someone I trusted already. That is how I started to get help. This was back in March 2005.

    It has not been easy but I finally got so sick of feeling sick. I guess it did not take me long to hit bottom because of my tolerance issue and the highly addictive nature of opiates. I had quit smoking 9 years ago and there is no comparision, opiates are much harder. Haven't smoked a cigarette once. I had 2 relapses early on but using was never how I remembered or idealized it in my head. I have read books, gone to meetings and talked to friends, just told two friends. I am big on info is power.

    Everyone is different and I believe we each have to find our own way. I thought about the sub route, just had gotten through the worst of withdrawls before I ever got the nerve up to call anyone. For some people that seems like a lifesaver. I think starting with your doctor would be good. I was surprised at both my psychiatrist's and GP's responses. I think that pill addiction is so common, they both said they had seen a ton of it. I got my liver enzymes checked and they were high. Just goes to show that it does not take long to do damage. They have gone back down thank god. I think knowing I had really hurt myself also helped quit.

    Well hope I have answered your questions...am happy to share whatever is helpful. I don't post a lot but read everything. Good luck.

    Susan

     
    Old 09-12-2005, 06:39 PM   #7
    100%clean
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    100%clean's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2005
    Posts: 25
    100%clean HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    I can relate to the pain you are going through. I was taking 120 mg of Vicodin a day for two years straight when I stopped cold turkey. The key to stopping is that you got to want it bad enough. Think of the good times when you were clean and sober and dream about getting back there again. I am 57 days clean and did it completly on my own, while at the same time running a business. I am not out of the woods, but I feel hopeful about life again.

    Two things I recommend that help me termendously,, first cut off the source if possible of the drugs. Second, tell your husband, but only after you stop using. He must be there to support and comfort you during the pain of withdrawal.

    Think of the pain you are going through right now, and think of the pain of withdrawal. The bottom line, withdrawal from Opiates last a few days, while the pain from active addicition goes on forever!
    Let me know if I can help

     
    Old 09-12-2005, 09:41 PM   #8
    331111
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    331111's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 47
    331111 HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    All of you are already an inspiration to me. I have not quit the vicodin yet and I am ashamed to even tell you all that. I have taken 7 5/500 and 1 beer today and my side hurts. I think I am killing myself slowly but surely. I want to stop so bad. I am so scared I am nauseated. Thank you for taking the time to even reply to me. Yesterday I called the counseling hotline that my place of employment provides. They say they will give me 6 free confidential counseling appointments. That and this forum are my first steps. I am also trying to get back to God. I feel like I have backslid there too. I don't know why I can't tell my husband yet??? Maybe I am scared I will be held accountable then. I don't know what my problem is!! Thank you for your stories and your support. I can do this with all of you. We can. Thanks.

     
    Old 09-12-2005, 10:04 PM   #9
    Arememom
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Sep 2005
    Location: Birmingham,Alabama
    Posts: 876
    Arememom HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    You have taken the hardest step. You admitted you have a problem. Do whatever it takes. I know how hard it is to tell the people you love about addiction. I had to tell my three children, sister and close friends that I'm a crack addict at age 48. I'm in the healthcare profession which makes it only worse to me. How could I have done such a thing. I know better. After the initial shock wore off my family and friends all are supportive in their own ways. Some are more supportive than others. I have had more support than I feel like I deserve. It's amazing how strangers in NA and this message board can make you feel so loved unconditionally. Whatever you decide to do about telling your husband/family, we will be here. Good luck and Gods speed.

     
    Old 09-13-2005, 07:11 AM   #10
    331111
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    331111's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 47
    331111 HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi JKhopeful,
    How are you doing today? Were you able to call and schedule your appointment? How are you feeling? I am hating myself for getting up and taking more vicodin but I am hopeful that I will begin the tapering off today because of the inspiring words from all of you. My appointment with a counselor is scheduled for the 23rd, I will tell her everything and go from there. Until then I will read this everyday. I think you guys are incredible. We can do this together right? I need a friend. I too have quit before when my source ran out. I know the pain of withdrawals. They are no fun. My problem is I found a new way to get them (internet) and it is there whenever you need it. How, somebody please tell me, how do you keep your fingers off of that keyboard and not order more. It is a nightmare to me that it is so easy.
    100%Clean or was it keepongrowing didn't you say you got them on the internet? How did you stop??? I have to do this! I have to be able to control this! Please help.

    Last edited by 331111; 09-13-2005 at 07:17 AM.

     
    Old 09-13-2005, 09:22 AM   #11
    keepongrowing
    Member
    (female)
     
    keepongrowing's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 77
    keepongrowing HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    I did get them off the internet (don't want to violate any posting rules so won't say anymore then that.) I had to decided to quit, I could not cut off the source. Between wanting to quit, tired of spending all that money and making myself sick I was ready to stop. Think of it this way, alcoholics quit and they have alcohol around them at any grocery store or corner 7'11. It can be done you just have to be ready to be strong. Good luck and don't be embarrassed to post just because you haven't stopped yet, as long as you want recovery that is the main thing for now.

    Susan

     
    Old 09-13-2005, 01:32 PM   #12
    jkhopeful
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    jkhopeful's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Location: Minneapolis, MN
    Posts: 142
    jkhopeful HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi 331111 - I'm so glad I checked the board because I hadn't made my phone call for my appointment yet today, but since I got your post, I just called and did it. I stumbled through the call - for some reason, I'm so embarrassed! Anyway, I have an appointment set up for Friday at 1:00 for an assessment. Now my fear, is they'll want to put me right into rehab and I just can't do that. I can't take the time off of work right now to do that so I'll have to suffer through the withdrawals over a long weekend and get lots of counseling and support or whatever it takes, but I really don't think I need an inpatient type of program for the amount of vicodin I'm using. I'm trying to taper in the meantime. So far today, I've taken 20 mg - it's 3:30 in the afternoon here. I'll try to keep it to 30 mg today - that's a good day for me! Please keep posting. I think we're really in a similar situation and I think we can help each other.

    Also, Susan - keep on growing, thanks for your kind words. We're all very much the same. It starts out as just sort of a "weakness" for the drug. In the early days, it was something that I was just very pleased to get whenever I had the opportunity but I would never go out of my way - never would doctor shop or fake an injury or anything like that. The internet doctors were also my downfall and I still recall when I got my first internet prescription thinking - "this is going to be bad for me" and I was certainly right. I'm at the point now where I really want to beat this though and that's what will get me through. As I've mentioned before, when I've quit previously, it hasn't been because I wanted to, but rather my sources dried up. This time I'm doing this for me. I definitely have some anxiety about my assessment appointment on Friday. I'm a little leary of the whole 12 step approach so I hope they don't think that's the only approach to quitting. I truly believe everyone is different and I'm not so sure group therapy is my thing either, but I'll remain open minded. I'm afraid I'm going to get to a NA meeting and be greeted by some of my co-workers or something! I have sort of a high level corporate job and I'm embarrassed that I allowed this to happen to me! Again,thanks for listening!

    Jan

    Last edited by jkhopeful; 09-13-2005 at 01:35 PM.

     
    Old 09-13-2005, 02:27 PM   #13
    keepongrowing
    Member
    (female)
     
    keepongrowing's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 77
    keepongrowing HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi Everybody-
    jkhopeful...I completely understand your hesitation about groups etc. I manage four mental health/substance abuse programs and have been working in this field for 14 years, go figure. The point is nobody is immune to addiction, you can have all the knowledge in the world and still step into the trap. As for meetings...if you do see someone there that you know remember they are there for the same reason and will probably have a similiar response to seeing you. Otherwise no one is in a one up position, just all struggling to get by. It may not be your thing but you would never know if you don't try a couple. I would not try just one because different meetings can have completely different vibes...just some thoughts.
    Hang in there everyone.
    Susan

     
    Old 09-15-2005, 07:09 AM   #14
    331111
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    331111's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 47
    331111 HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Hi guys. I took 4 5/500 yesterday and I am feeling a little yucky. I didn't sleep half the night even with ambien. I am still going to keep tapering until I get to a point where I feel like I can quit and not die. Taking 4 yesterday was down about half from a week ago. JKhopeful please let me now how your appointment goes tomorrow. Mine is on Friday the 23rd. It feels so good to hear the stories of others going through the exact same thing. I thought I was weird. I thought I was the only one with the counting, the obsessing, the planning for where I would get them next and how long they would last and what it was doing to my health and feeling like sh-- about it. And the biggest thing is nobody knows but me and now all of you. Hang in there with me. Thanks, L.

     
    Old 09-15-2005, 10:38 AM   #15
    Arememom
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Sep 2005
    Location: Birmingham,Alabama
    Posts: 876
    Arememom HB User
    Re: I am devastated and need help

    Yeah!!!

    Down to half of doses taking last week. That's great. Keep on going and slowly over the next few days or weeks, you'll be down to none. Have a good day and I'll continue to pray for us all.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    CONFUSED with THYROID readings?? I need help? meds do nto seem to be working? bluetou Thyroid Disorders 17 05-12-2011 07:18 PM
    Help I am at the end of my rope... tinabean34 Pain Management 4 07-01-2010 11:55 AM
    Devastated Part 2 Baby_hands Relationship Health 5 12-24-2008 04:12 AM
    Diagnosed with Parkinson's at 24 yo...devastated TexGuy22 Parkinson's Disease 23 01-05-2007 03:19 PM
    I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!! innocence Relationship Health 112 01-03-2007 03:48 AM
    Please...Has any Female had the same experience?? HELP!!! ineedhelp03 Herpes 8 02-03-2004 12:54 AM
    paper/razor cuts, fissures thetwoofus Herpes 9 11-15-2003 08:41 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is On
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:50 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!