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    Old 10-05-2005, 12:51 PM   #31
    Arememom
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Thanks for the post and support.

    Sumtimes slowly, I like you have done things I haven't been able to admit to anyone yet. That time will come I'm sure, with my sponsor. But there are somethings that my family/friends will never know.

    TCHRIS, hang in there. There's only one way from the bottom and that's up. Take yourself to a NA meeting. You'll be amazed at the support you will get there. Take that second step. You've taken the first step already by posting here.

    Your friend
    Arememom

     
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    Old 10-05-2005, 11:50 PM   #32
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    So true, Arememom, some stories don't get told to family & friends because it serves no good purpose, but I sure told absolutely everything I could think of to my first sponsor (who died sober when I had about 5 years). Since then, I revisit steps 4-9 as required with my current sponsor. They say in the program that you're only as sick as your secrets. Uncover, discover, discard--but I only had to admit that to God and my sponsor (as if that wasn't tough enough).

    I love to talk and write about the steps. Without sounding too presumptious or nosey, are you deep into a particular step now? You post faster than I can read so forgive me if you've mentioned it elsewhere here--besides this is a great thread you started Arememom!

    Your fiend,

    sumtimes slowly

     
    Old 10-06-2005, 01:44 AM   #33
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Hey sumtimes slowly,

    Unfortunately for me, today I don't know where I am. Due to my car being broken and not getting to go to meetings, I'm doing all I can here at home. That's why you guys see me post so much. lol I spend countless hours reading and researching on the net. I know I've done 1-3. As I read the steps over and over. There are parts of them I know I done. Supposedly tomorrow I get my car back (almost a week later than promised by car place). I have already planned out at least 3-4 meeting places each day that I can attend. Although I've been living with a friend with 16 years clean, we both agree she is too close to be my sponsor. She and I talk off and on all day. So I've really been lucky. Taking a moral inventory is a tough one for me. I was raised a "Good Girl" and the things I've done during my using time definitely don't fall under the good moral catagory. Even as I type this, the tears are falling just thinking about those things. But tears are good for me. It let's out some of the pain and shame that I feel about myself. I can use all the help I can get so post away about step 4.

    Your friend Aremeom

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 12:26 AM   #34
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    I was hoping you'd ask, Arememom!

    Yes indeed, Step 4, the action step that separates the wheat from the chaff. This is the one of the turning point steps, one I had relapsed over several times, but, in hindsight, needlessly.

    Step 4: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

    Why? Because it is our character defects, our secrets, our skeletons in the closet that block the sunlight of the spirit. My higher power was right there all along--I just couldn't see the light because of all the "clouds."

    How? You probably know this but for posterity, the Big Book of AA spells it out on pages 64-71 and there's a whole chapter on it in the 12 and 12. Basically, you take out a piece of paper and make 4 columns:

    I'm (emotion here) at:____The Cause______Affects my_____My Role in it

    So for example, I'm resentful at

    My sponsor___He's ill from diabetes_____self-esteem______Being selfish _________________and I can't work steps________________don't want to lose him

    Repeat for every key emotion you can think of such as fear but most importantly resentments--we must be rid of them (but that comes later--this is to figure out what to get rid of).

    So I illuminated these things. This is not unlike a list of confessions for a Catholic, or analysis in psychology. It's taking inventory, finding the garbage, then emptying the garbage. My sponsor had me do it in bite-size pieces so I wouldn't feel overwhelmed or give up.

    I was a good boy too and taught not to air one's dirty laundry but I finally did it and it was liberating...then I felt awful (but that's good and I'll tell you why next post).

    Sorry to hear about the downers today but it's great that you're living with a winner.

    Your fiend,

    sumtimes slowly

    Last edited by sumtimes slowly; 10-07-2005 at 12:45 AM.

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 06:16 AM   #35
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Arememom,
    As my posting name implies..I'm starting over. The steps are a lifetime committment as I'm sure someone has told you already. Part of my problem is I quit applying them to my every day life, became complacent, overly confident and chose to use instead of going back to the one thing that worked - the program. It started as a legitmate injury that responded to medication and I really needed it. At some point I woke up and realized I didn't need it anymore, but depended on it to get through the day...just to feel "normal" - whatever normal is.
    Gosh we've all done things in varying degrees we aren't proud of. I'm almost certain everyone on here can make a pretty large list...I know I can and have. The 4th step was painful for me the first time I worked it..less so later as I worked back through the steps multiple times in recovery. I was terrified as I sat down with my sponsor. The biggest thing was remembering as I sat down to write it out...the searching and moral inventory was about ME... it was my inventory....not everyone elses. Isn't it always easier to take everyone elses?
    I could write about things that happened to me - yes....but the key was looking for my role in it, my motives, my defects....my baggage. Everyone else is responsible for their own stuff. I've just got to make sure I identify my own behaviors so I can recognize them and analyze them...and hopefully not repeat them.
    If you ask a million people how they worked the 4th step..you'd get as many different answers. I guess the key is keeping the focus of what it is about and what is intended to be gained from it. I can tell you that after I finished my 4th step and sat down with my sponsor it literally felt as if a great burden was lifted...and she was able to identify good traits out of a list of stuff I thought was all bad. Go figure!! I thought I was just a bad, bad girl all the way around.
    That's my perspective looking back on it. Ofcourse, beginning again as I am now I'll be there working through it again soon. Remember nobody is timing you on this...you can take the time you need to be searching and fearless. I can guarantee you that nobody is judging you in NA - been there done that. I was amazed by how much like everyone else I really was...to think I was so darn unique before finding the fellowship of NA.
    As far as the car thing. Does your NA family have a phone list? We have a phone list of people in the group. I've gotten calls many times from people needing rides and have gotten rides that way in the past. I'll bet if you call your local chapter..they'll find somebody to pick you up if you want to go to a meeting. Heck..we've picked up LOADED people we didn't know in the past that have called and wanted to go to a meeting. If there is a will...there is a way!!

    Last edited by BeginAgain; 10-07-2005 at 06:19 AM.

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 06:29 PM   #36
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Thanks BeginAgain and Sumtimes slowly,

    My third interview went well today. Still think 99% sure have the job. My car is ready to be picked up finally. But they were closed before we got back into town. They are closed Saturday (a automotive place, that's weird). Anyway I can pick it up Monday. Can't wait. I'll feel like I've been let out of jail. Not meaning that bad. My friends are wonderful, but I haven't been without my own car for this long since I was 14 (my parents let me start driving to work when I was 14). Wouldn't let my 14 yo drive now for anything. lol As my two friends took me to the interview about 1 1/2 hour away, we talked about addiction/recovery, me..... So essentially we had a 3 hour meeting. lol
    I feel so much better. I don't know about the NA phone list, but what a great idea. I'll check on it tomorrow. Thanks for the support. Hope you both are having a good day.

    Your friend,
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 11:07 PM   #37
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Arememom,

    I feel terrible for not taking a good look at your original post here. My goodness you have been through a lot recently. I cannot imagine having two kids in the war to start. My father was a Vietmam Vet before he went into a lifetime of booze and drug abuse. He was killed in a drug deal in 2000 by complications from a blow to the head by a baseball bat. My mom was on speed most of my life and got me started on that as a teenager 20 years ago. However, she cleaned up and is good friend today. I can only imagine how hard crack is to get off. For me, I was able to stop only because I can't do any amphetamines now without having panic attacks and heart palpatations. I'm a runner and have low blood pressure too.....it just not work with my system anymore. So I quit by default. But enough about me.

    You have been an inspiration to so many people in the short time I see you have been on the board. You are an incredibly kind person. I think that you have helped many of us with some plain and simple love. That is what its all about. So here is some love back in return. I've put you on my buddy list. As an aside, I'm a very experienced Business, Finance, Real Estate, and legal person. If you need any common sense help with your current situation with your husband etc....let me know. I'd be happy to try and help. All my best to you.

    Last edited by tripleair; 10-07-2005 at 11:08 PM.

     
    Old 10-07-2005, 11:35 PM   #38
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    tripleair,

    Thank you so much for the kind words. One thing that I have learned in my short recovery time is that by helping others, I am helping myself. It's really true because when I read post written to me thanking me for help and support I've given it makes me feel good. I can be having a bad day, get on this board and it will turn my whole attitude around.

    We are actually in the legal process to get my ex out of my house. He has received his certified letter notice giving him 30 days to get out. It's now past that 30 days, so now my attorney will proceed to court for the eviction. I had the lights and water turned off 2-3 weeks ago and he's still there. Since I left, his truck has also been reposessed. I think he is almost at rock bottom.

    I'm sure I'll take you up on your offer with information as things progress.Hope you have a good night.

    Your friend
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-08-2005, 06:00 AM   #39
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Seems like there is always so much wreckage to deal with when we get clean. Some self made...some due to the people, places and things we were associated with in the depths of our addiction.
    When I went through rehab 12 years ago I was involved with a man who had used and abused me in every way possible. Financially, emotionally, spiritually - I had given everything I had. I had done a million things to try and "fix" the relationship and hold on because we had a 2 year old son together. I had this image of the perfect little family and I set out to create it. Letting go of him was almost harder than letting go of the drugs. It took a major life threatening incident for me to see he was jost no good for me or my son. When I was in treatment he showed up, uninvited, and snuck into the building. Thankfully someone recognized he wasn't supposed to be there and we went on lockdown. Somehow someone figured out he was looking for me..I still don't know how that happened - maybe he said something. But, they chased him down and caught him. He was definitely there with weapon in tow to do harm to me. He spent 6 weeks in the state mental hospital after that and I haven't seen him over once or twice since. He is not a part of my life and has not seen his son in 12 years.
    My point in saying all that is "evicting" him from your house may be difficult - "eviciting" him from your life might be even harder. I still haven't totally dealt with some of the things that happened during the course of that relationship. But I can tell you that when I got out of the way, stopped trying to control everything, got some clean time under my belt and started living a clean life -God gave me a tremendous gift in the man I married. I think God puts good things in our path when we are ready for them. All the hardships and trials are tests and we learn something from every difficulty we overcome. The things we learn are like tools...we later apply them in other situations in life. Every time I would get into a tizzy about a "problem" in my life my sponsor would say - is it a "problem" or just an "inconvenience"? Think about that..there is a big difference.
    God bless you arememom...you sound like you are really on the right road now. I bet if I could look into your eyes I'd see that light we talk about in NA. When people get clean and really start to figure things out - it's like the light comes back into their eyes. Watch the newcomer when they've been around for a few weeks...you definitely see that light come on.

    P.S. - I've put you on my buddy list..if I can help you in any way let me know. I think we both live in the same general region - who knows we might find ourselves sitting shoulder to shoulder one night in NA.

    Last edited by BeginAgain; 10-08-2005 at 06:02 AM.

     
    Old 10-08-2005, 12:36 PM   #40
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Hi BeginAgain,

    You are so right about the evicting him from my life. I pray that he will move back to SC and I never hear from him again. I've had to see him twice since I left. I left only with the clothes on my back so I've had to go back and get clothing, etc. Loaded down the car both times. Hopefully I won't have to see him again. It takes me a day to get myself centered again after seeing him. It makes me sad to see what he's become and know what he was over our 8 year relationship. I've never been afraid enough for my own good (so my mother would say when she was alive) Fortunately for me, he is afraid I may do something to him. When I was using I threatened him more than once when he would become verbally abusive. I scared him so much he took my gun and hocked it. And we never got it back (I checked on this when I left him). I think he knew one of us would get killed if he didn't. I have never been a violent person in my life. I'm usually very easy going but also I can also be very assertive and at times aggressive if the need arises. But the crack took that aggressiveness over the edge when I would be provoked. I hope our higher power does lead us to a meeting together. You definitely are a good friend to have. I hope your day gets better and enjoy your time alone.

    Your friend
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-08-2005, 12:50 PM   #41
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Actually the kids are home now...so it's mommy time.
    I've never had any direct experience with your DOC, but I know alot of people suffering from it's effects. Families torn apart, marriages ended, homes lost, credit ruined, lives shattered. The story is always the same. It is very very prevalent in this area...seems like they bust a lab every week somewhere in the community. The violence is a recurring theme. I have a friend who runs a recovery halfway house...most of the men and women there are there because of this drug. All report anger control issues. He says it does something to that part of the brain and people become someone else totally.
    Sounds like you are making good choices now. Keep up the good work. We're all in this together.

     
    Old 10-09-2005, 06:37 PM   #42
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Hey everyone,

    Hope your day has gone well. Mine has been pretty good except for this sinus headache crap. New news on the ex-boyfriend. He was caught stealing power from the empty house next door (it belongs to my cousin). I had the electricity and water shut off many weeks ago. They had caught him running a extention cord to my house a few weeks ago. They didn't say anything to him, but disconnected it and locked all the windows (nailed some down). He had broken in to the house again and being the crackhead he is got caught. My cousin called the County and there were three police cars there Friday afternoon. They didn't take him to jail because my cousin wanted to talk to me first. he wanted to know what I wanted him to do. He didn't want to do something that would cause me more problems. I said press charges and get him out of my house. He's going in the morning to file charges and as soon as they pick him up I can go and change the locks, etc. I'm not going back there to live ever. It's actually up for sale. And I have several people interested in buying but we couldn't show them the house because he has wrecked it inside. Not torn up, but shi.... strown everywhere. It upset me really bad the two times I had to go there. We never lived like that, not even when I was using. But now I can go and pack up the house and put it in storage. I will post no trespassing signs and I will have him arrested if he breaks in. He only has to be gone two days (by the law) for it not to be his residence anymore. I will put all his personal items out on the porch. I'm hoping this is his rock bottom. But if it's not then I hate if for him, but hopefully he'll be out of my life. I never made friends with any of the folks I met through Paul who were drug users. I didn't like anyone. He sayes I am a snob. Well you know what, good for me, I didn't need friends like that. Mostly I stayed at home and used. My car is ready to be picked up tomorrow. I can't wait. My daughters Homecoming football game is tomorrow night and I also have my list ready to start going to meetings everyday. Tons of things I can take care of. It's really exciting. I feel like a new beginning and can't wait to get started. I did have my first dream about doing crack last night/this morning. My friend had warned me it would happen. Not a good or bad dream really, took a hit and then I woke up. Startled me awake actually. I got up and went straight to my friend and told her. We talked for a while and I'm ok. Actually wish it had been a bad dream about it. lol Gotta go for now. BeginAgain/robinmdallas thanks for all the support.

    Your friend,
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-10-2005, 12:49 AM   #43
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Hi Arememom,

    Sorry to hear about the upheavel you're going thru with your ex it but looks like progress is being made and it's coming to a close.

    Yeah, those crack dreams are echos. Some say they're warning shots but I've seen your posting--you are livin' the solution.

    While intensely working my own steps in the beginning I would have these "anti-using" dreams. They'd start out the same as a using-dream but when they offered, I'd say no confidently. Then they'd wonder why I was so confident and then be hurt because I had my HP right there in the dream. I heard my self yell NO! several times in the dream as I made my way out of the crack party. I woke up feeling great about saying NO.

    Switching subjects, back to steps, the reason I said feeling awful after doing step 4 was good is because the next thing I wanted to do was tell HP and someone else about it (which happens to be step 5), so I did and that was a relief, but there was this lingering effect that outlived the euphoria of getting things off my chest (again, I'll mention that in the next post)

    Have a good week Arememom!

    "They are being fulfilled among us--sometimes quickly, SUMTIMES SLOWLY. They will always materialize if we work for them." --excerpt from the AA Promises

    (uh...OK, so I guess I didn't lose this post after all, but by the looks of it pre-edit, it got banged up pretty badly!)

    Last edited by sumtimes slowly; 10-10-2005 at 10:40 PM.

     
    Old 10-10-2005, 11:56 AM   #44
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    Hey Everyone,

    Yeah I got my car back today (been without a car since the day I got clean 55 day ago). Feel like I've been let out of jail. lol So tonight I start to NA and try to do my 90 meetings in 90 days. Thank goodness the meeting is at 8:30 and my daughters homecoming football game is at 5:00. I can make both. Even though it's rainy, cloudy (which usually makes me down) I'm happy and smiling. Hope everyone is doing well and I'll check back in later.

    Your friend,
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-10-2005, 12:22 PM   #45
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    Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

    hey hunny
    you sound sooo good today. yay! happy thanksgiving (im from the white north)..and im happy you have your car back. i cant drive mine for a while and im already going nuts. lol
    take care of you. thinks are going okay here...not good yet, but not as bad as they were
    mwah!
    hugs and lots of love
    kris

     
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