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Arememom 09-15-2005 10:55 PM

Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
I have been reading and posting replys on this board for about a month. I'm a recovering crack addict (clean since Aug. 17th). I started smoking crack about 9 months ago. I'd never been addicted to anything in my life. I smoked pot off and on over the years, but never had to have it. Drank some, but didn't have to have it either. I'm also a medical professional and knew better. What is wrong with me? I had so many things bad things happen in my life in the last two years, I couldn't cope I guess. And I didn't get the real help I needed. During the last two years the following things happened: My mother died, my step-father died, both my twin sons who are in the army were in Iraq . One was there 14 months and the other 6 months. And both were there at the same time during that 6 months. A mothers nightmare. Not knowing any minute if the Army would show up at my door with bad news. I moved out of the state I'd lived in all my life to start a new business with my significant other of 9 years. I found out my significant other was on crack the day I found him with a women in our business office (she was totally naked). I walked out and cleaned out our business account and came back home. I moved into the old home place my mother left me. I hated that house and have been very depressed living there. It is in terrible shape and I can't afford to fix it. I lost my business ($40,000.00). My significant other had taken thousands of dollars out of the account. I had enough money to move back home. Over a peroid of a few months, my significant other finally talked me into letting him come back. And a month or so after that he talked me into smoking crack with him. What was I thinking? Well I can tell you, I'm one of those people who went over the edge quickly. In the span of 6 months, I had quit my job, didn't care about my house, my looks or life in general. Just wanted the drug. I became suicidal and homocidal. I pushed my whole family and old friends away. Rock bottom came a month ago. Just three days after I had decided to get clean and help, someone turned me in to DHR. DHR has taken away my daughter. My family and old friends are back in my life. My best friend of 31 years has custody of my 13 y.o. daughter until I get myself straightened out. I'm in outpatient rehab, NA, parenting classes, TASK (drug testing random). I'm living with one of my best friends from 7th grade. She and her husband are recovering addicts with 16 years clean. I can't even live in my own house because my ex-significant other won't get out. I am in the legal process of having him evicted. With all this said and done, why do I still think about smoking crack again. People say it's normal and the craving will get less and less. I smoked about $500.00 the last night before I quit. I quit cold turkey. Nothing to help. But I never had any physical withdrawl. And for the first two weeks I never even thought about wanting to smoke again. But in the last few weeks I have thought about it. Not like I wanted to go get some. But if I could in the future without going over the edge. I know that's not an option for me. It makes me mad at myself. I say to myself, "Have you lost your mind?". I keep hearing that crack is the worst drug to quit doing permanently. And I'm beginning to believe it. I had always been thought of as a strong woman and my family/friends were in total shock and disbelief. I take responsiblity for my actions, but I would have done almost anything for that man. I could have said no, but saying no to him was very hard. During our 9 years together, he was great also, until the drugs. He had kept his drug habit hid from me for over a year. I don't consider myself stupid, but how did I not know? Of course he wasn't like me. He could smoke a little throughout the day or night. He'd save some for the next day...I smoked it until it was gone. I can't sleep at night until late (that's not new, I've always been a night owl). But I'm tired now and am going to bed. Tell me all those things I need to hear, I feel so alone tonight.

wut2do 09-15-2005 11:12 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Hey sweetheart. You havent lost your mind..nor have you ever. If you had, you wouldnt be trying to get it back. Crack is a horrible horrible drug, it controls your thoughtsand ruins your life. I understand the cravings. i haven't touched the stuff for 6 years and i still get them. You just need to remind yourself of what will happen if you give in. Addictions play games with our minds, they make us believe that our lives will be better with them and nothing can compare to the high we get when we're on them. What we need to do is tell them to go to hell. You are better off without them, you are happier, you are healthier, and you control your mind, not the other way around. The cravings get easier to deal with as time goes by. Just stay strong and remind yourself why you stopped using it. Remind yourself of what you lost and what you have to gain by staing clean. Dream and dream BIG...keep your head up, reach for the stars, you can beat the voices in your head. Drown them out by doing things you love...enjoy life for what it is...don't give your head a reason to think it needs anything else to be 'happy' and eventually the crack cravings will get the point they're not welcome and they'll stop visiting...i promise
take care of you and have a good sleep.
hugs and kisses

now&then 09-16-2005 12:37 AM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Holy moly, Arememom!

I've been bumping into your posts now and then since you came on board and had no idea we had so much in common. Your posts are inspiring and you are very astute about being clean & sober. You are wise well beyond your time clean. In my humble opinion you are WAY ahead of the game. You'll be having "not-using" dreams sooner than you may think! This is an amazing phenomenon that happened to me after I worked the first 9 steps. The old using dreams were scary enough but the not-using dreams are just amazing.

I'm a rock hound to the bone
just like you. Toward the end I was doing 1/4 ounce per day until I did the fish one more time and almost died. I too fell quite fast (and in hindsight am grateful for this). I've heard it said that you can only know true happiness if you've known true pain. So it would seem there is much happiness in store for you!

The cravings you are experiencing are totally normal. It's clear you know and are doing the right things (like writing it all out, helping others here, etc.). One thing I used to do with cravings is meditate--I'd envision a stream, and the cravings were leaves flowing downstream. I'd just sit there watching these leaves go down the stream. Then they'd dwindle in number until there were no more leaves.

The cravings do dwindle and go away. Laughter is also excellent at combating cravings so here goes my pathetic attempt to make you laugh:

I no longer:
--feel the need to do "carpet patrol"
--can stay awake for 13 days straight without food
--hear voices of condemnation in the bathroom vent
--think there are spy cameras in the air ducts
--think that SWAT is outside my door 24/7
--have my eye glued to the front door peephole
--think that SWAT is carefully positioned just outside the peephole field of view
--think about installing more peepholes
--have blankets covering the little slivers of space between the windows and the blinds
--have to hide under a chair in a locked room so I won't get bitten by a police dog
--wig out when I see macadamia nuts
--dumb enough to pay $50 for a chunk of drywall
and (drum roll please)
--spend 2 hours hacking up those disgusting rubbery phlegm balls (arghh!)

And I thought doing what I wanted when I wanted was freedom--it was bondage. I was a prisoner inside of my own four walls, inside my own skin.

Today, we don't have to live like that!

God bless,

sumtimes slowly

P.S. Now I get your screen name! Arememom as in Army mom

Felicia65 09-16-2005 06:37 AM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Sumtimeslowly, ......I have got to say, You just made me laugh so hard at the I don't have to anymore............ I loved the one about paying $50.00 for a pieace of sheetrock.... And really it is sad because I know it is all the truth.... I watch my son when he first came to me, and it made me won;t to cry... he would almost have a heartacttack when a police car drove down the road. I have seen him try and run and get away when he spotted them. I ask my husband, What is wrong with him? he said Felicia this is the way he has been living!!!! It has been 3 months now and he no longer does that, he looks at them and has a normal responce. Even though he still does not like them.... LOL ... I feel in my heart that any addiction can be overcome, Everyday that you have on this earth is a god given day, Don;t waste it, Do what ever you have to to say clean, If it means NA meeting everynight, and helping others on here, Sometimes our streath comes from helping others, It helps to dig in side our self and pour our hearts out to others. ............ AREmemom, You can and will have a better life.... Head up, one day at a time..... And keep going to na and venting on here.. Just like a baby You have to be feed to grow stronger, And remember GOD LOVES YOU, Be good to your self, Because you are worth it!!!!! felicia

jessy28 09-16-2005 06:49 AM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
The craving will get less as time goes on, but it takes a while. The depression also will lift but that also take a while. Patience is hard but you have to do it because although you think you hit rock bottom it can get much worse. MUCH WORSE! I mean the unimaginable. Been there and done that! We all sit around and wonder why we did what we did. But the fact of the matter is there really is no explanation or exuse. Can the exuses other than to say I was having a down periode in my life or was having a wierd era where I made it ok to go the drug route. I have been clean for almost four years. I was a major heroin, methadone addict. I wound up being equally addicted to crack and shooting crack. It brought me to my knees in a way heroin had never done. It scared me. I had to go all the way down, homelessness, jail, almost death several times, lost all my possesions a few times, lost all my family and friends, ect..... I would get clean and feel strong and the one wiff of it brought me to my knees all over again. I could pass by heroin or people doing it and ignore it but something about the crack thing got me. Now four years clean I have bumped into two situations where I have bumped into crack. I held my breath and made a quick brake for the door. I was scared to death. I will die if I do it. I was that bad and I know I will. Life is better on the other side but only you can decide that and if you are not willing to put your all into getting better over time then you are not ready. God bless.

Soulcatcher 09-16-2005 07:07 AM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
I have to congratulate you on the courage to get your life back. I am a mother of three and I can't imagine the quilt you feel that your daughter is away from you. I am not an addict. I had my battles with social drinking that probably wasn't social. I tried cocaine a few times and realized that if I stay out of the bars and away from the alcohol I acted like the mother and lady I was. My husband is an alcoholic so I know the power of an addiction and can see the damage it does. I can tell you from your post I will NEVER try crack so consider yourself a hero for saving someone. I guess it's me sterotyping but I had no idea crack addicts were "normal". I think of them on the street, I guess thats just where they end up huh? So damn that man for doing that to you! I am glad your stronger then he is and your going to be ok. I even have my days were I want to take a night off and go out and "forget" and have cocktails but I know all too well how I will feel later and to me that's more of an effort. I know I'm not saying anything new to you and rambling but I want you to know I for one am very proud of you. What would like be without BIG lessons? Day by day. I can tell you have a strong spirit and will be just fine. Lots of love.

Arememom 09-16-2005 01:27 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Thanks to everyone out there who responded to my post. I laughed and cried as I read and re-read everyone of them. I am living one minute at a time. Today is dreary and rainy here. Sorta depressing. As I was beginning to write this post the phone rang. It was a response to a resume I had sent out. I have a job interview Monday. Yeah!!! Maybe an answer to some of my prayers. It has the perfect hours that I need to be able to continue to go to rehab and NA. Things are looking up at this minute. Thanks again all. :angel:

TJOB3 09-16-2005 03:49 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Keep posting, this is TJOB3 fiance, I am tracking you down, I wrote a response to you on his message board, YOU are what got me and him going today, he started his detox this AM he is in the bed sleeping right now...and YOU are a huge inspiration, I too am in the medical field and quit these pills once and have gone and picked up again, I was clean a year and threw it right out the window, I also did it with the help of NA and I know it is not for evryone, but man I earned my seat there. WE are going to try and get to a meeting tonight, but if not all we have oue these boards and each other, little to soon to tell the family, I have a lawsuit aganist Macys and I have to go to a depo on Monday so I am going cold turkey then, and I have titrated down so much already, I am on a min to min life right now...You hang in there and know you helped us out, I also left you a post on TJOB3 message board, please evryone post there, it will help him a lot....Thanks....and dont pick up no matter WHAT.... :nono: :nono:

Arememom 09-16-2005 06:39 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
I'm so happy to have helped. Both of you remain stong and hold on to each other. Have a good weekend. :angel:

Arememom 09-16-2005 08:07 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?

I'm so sorry about your daughter. And even more for you having been brought back into this horror. One good thing, I'm glad he's your ex-husband now. :bouncing: lol It's a hard road, but we all can make it together. You said you smoked the crack. Did you keep on and on with it? I couldn't tell from your post. Take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to stay clean. We'll be here for you. :angel:

Arememom 09-17-2005 10:32 AM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Good Morning,

Don't ever be ashamed or embarassed to admit anything here. We've all been there. I am getting a better understanding of what's up with your husband as you post. What's hard to understand is that he is a well educated man. But he definitely in denial and hoping if he ignores it long enough it'll go away. Take your recovery process one step at a time. Try to be strong and walk away from that crack. I'll only fu.... up your life more and more. You don't want to hit rock bottom. It's no fun to be there. It doesn't take long to get there but it takes a long time to get back. We'll be here to listen and help with our stories/advice always. Have a good day. :angel:

Arememom 09-29-2005 01:32 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Here's my thread with my story. I hope it helps and gives you strength. :angel:

Sydney777 09-29-2005 03:31 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Man I reallly hope you feel better soon. I have no experience with crack but, I have heard it was awful and I have though seen people smoking it and it was really tough to be arounf them. They got violent against me. I was kinda scared. That drug totally changes your personality for the worse. Please stay strong and dont do it. You are doing so good now. You will feel better soon. I fyou have to go and get some help with a physciatrist they will really help you alot!
Luv ya chick

Arememom 09-29-2005 06:18 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Thank Sydney,

I'm sorry about the violence. The only person I was ever violent with was my ex-boyfriend. Threatened to shoot him only because he threatened me first. He pawned my gun so I couldn't shoot him. lol Funny but not so funny. Know what I mean. The funny thing was that neither one of us were aggressive until the drugs. The mental aspects of crack addiction are horrible. Paranoia and hallucinations were the worst. Never hallucinated in my life until cracked out for days the first time. It was funny cute stuff to begin with and then turned to evil demons at one point. But the part that got me was when I would hallucinate real people being in the room with me.

How are you today day? Better than yesterday?

See ya later,

Sydney777 09-29-2005 08:30 PM

Re: Any Crack Addicts Out There Like Me?
Im am so at peice with myself right now. I feel great and Im sure I will sleep with myself. Earlier today I was a wreck til i was able to get some xanax and totally be able to center myself and calm my heartbeat and b/p down.
I sure am glad we are friends and if you ever need me post and will be there for you like you have for me in the past!
Keep fighting we are all supporting and rooting you on!
Luv ya,

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