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  • Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!



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    Old 09-26-2005, 02:59 PM   #1
    Sydney777
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    Wink Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Hi guys!
    Im new here and have been reading the board for about a day and a half.
    This is my story!
    Since I was 15, Im 33 now I have had Cluster headaches these are sucicidal type of headaches and are worse than migraines. Alot of people kill themselves from the severe pain!
    I have tried every medicine for headaches out there and nothing works.
    Finally I had a cluster that was so bad My pupils seperated into two.

    I was freaking out, my husband was rushing me to the hospital and while I was there I had another massive one and I screamed for jesus and scared everyone in the hospital. Finally the doc comes in and says this ia a prescription for a bottle of 30...5mg percocets now go home.
    The first time I took one which was about 3 years ago I was in heaven "oh hell yeah it felt good and when the headaches came it took the edge off barley so I didnt kill myself.
    Eventually from there I kept somehow getting percocets from different doctors using the "I have headaches excuse when I wasnt having them just to keep the good times going. Finally 9 months ago I met a friend that said he knew a DR. FEELGOOD (love motley crue, they rock!)
    I went there and said doctor while I was fake crying these 5mg arent working he said no problem I'll take care of you. Boy did he ever!
    When i got in my car I almost died while I stared at the script for 100 30mg roxicodones a script for 100 2mg xanax a bottle of 100 somas and some other crap!

    I was in shock and very excited at the same time!!
    So to make a long story short I had my husband going to him getting all the same things had my mom going for me and getting them and they would all give them to me and I guess trying to help me cause there were a few times when I was W/Ding and they didnt like the site.
    Even though they wanted me off they didnt know what else to do for awhile but keep me in stock.
    So for like one whole year I was on like 300 to 500 a day.
    Almost overdosed a few times and died.
    Finally the stupid doctor just kicked me off sent me a letter one day and said sorry I cant see you anymore with no reason.
    Oh god I was in throuble.
    I ended up just buying **** off the street and going to hospitals faking pain.
    I have been running and running and trying to get more of a high or keep the sickness off for months now.
    "IM SO TIRED OF RUNNING!"
    Ive cried so many times! I have been so scared of the w/d symptoms I have experienced but, Ive always been rescued by something by at least day 2 and would be back on!! well not this time.

    Me and my family just moved 3weeks ago from tampa to north carolina and I coulda of kept lying and going to doctors to keep getting more. "sitting in er's for 7 hours just to get 10 5mg percocets!
    But I didnt 4 days ago was my last dose and by then I was down too only 60mg a day.
    I didnt hink I was going to make it I didnt sleep for 4 days straight 0 minutes of sleep.
    Last night i was like a zombie I was shaking so bad and started to hear stuff.
    Legs hurting so bad that i cant quit moving so it's bad enough that im not sleeping for 4 nights but, now im exercising by rocking and rolling back n forth in bed shaking!
    THE POINT OF THIS STORY IS I AM REALLLLLLLLLLLLY PROUD OF MYSELF!
    i WENT TO A DR. JUST THIS FRIDAY AND MY INTENTIONS WERE TO LET IT ALL OUT AND TELL HIM MY SECRET BUT I COULDNT! HE WAS NOT GIVING ME ANYTHING FOR HEADACHES I COULD TELL HE WAS NOTICING THAT I WAS TWITCHING AND COULDNT QUIT MOVING MY HANDS!
    So after that I said Screw this Im gonna bunker down and do it!
    I finally passed out last night after taking a 2mg xanax and half a seruquel100!
    This morning I feel a tiny bit better!
    Im still shaking inside and twitching and my legs still hurt but, i was fortunate to have some ultram on hand for the leg pain! ULTRAM REALLY HELPS FOR LEG PAIN! OR RESTLESS LEGS! Now im worried about getting addicted to ultram! but I am gonna taper off. I feel so defiant. My mother begged me to go to the ER or somewhere and my husband but, hell if I will!
    IM GONNA WIN!
    My hands are shaking as I write this!
    I ALMOST FEEL LIKE A REBEL THATS DEFYING THE LAW. IM AN OUTLAW IM NOT GOING TO THE DR. I DONT WANT ANYMORE OF THIS IN MY LIFE.IM STILL REAL WEAK AND SHAKEY AND MOVING REAL SLOW BUT THIS IS DAY 5 AND IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!
    Sorry this is so long but I had to get this off my chest!
    I just cant imagine going to a doctor and admitting all this looking as bad as I do like a pale faced drug addict shaking for her next dose. Which I am a drug addict and I realize that but, I just cant go tell anyone else!.
    Id rather sit here and die and turn onto a walking shaking zombie!
    This is for all ya'll going through the same thing!
    YOU CAN DO IT!

    Please beleive in yourselves!
    Every once in awhile I check my vital signs to see if im still alive if I am then Im winning!
    I went 4 nights without sleep and now that i had about 6 hours I'll probablly go another 3 days without sleep but, Im gonna win and Im so damn proud of myself I just had to share this with you all!
    I STILL FEEL REAL BAD!
    You can all quit and do it! I promise guys hang in there if you are cold turkeying it!
    YOU CAN DO IT!
    IF I CAN YOU CAN!
    Drink lots of water I mean at least 10 to 12 full large glasses of water a day take multi vitamin a day.
    If you can get your dr. to give you some ultram it takes the restless legs away!
    I dont know you guys but I feel like i do from all the reading!
    YOU CAN DO IT! Keep going!
    Make sure you drink your water though or you will get dehydrated!
    I love you all!
    Thank you for letting me vent and share!
    If anyone needs support Im there for you. Like i said im still in the middle of this, But hell if Im gonna be beat!

    Please beleive in yourselves!
    Luv ya guys,
    Sydney
    One day i will be like this again I cant wait til that day !

     
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    Old 09-26-2005, 06:33 PM   #2
    valleygurl
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Hi Sydney,

    I am so very proud of you! I am working very hard at kicking the nasty habit myself so you really are an inspiration to me!!!! Keep going! I will post more later, k?
    Talk soon,
    ValleyGurl

    P.S. Welcome to the boards

     
    Old 09-26-2005, 08:23 PM   #3
    Arememom
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Sydney,

    Good for you. With an attitude like that you are well on your way to recovery. It's great to hear from people who are fighter from this disease. I hope you have a good night. Keep us posted.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 04:37 PM   #4
    Sydney777
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    Cool Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Hi guys! Thanks for the support! It helped me alot to come here and see your post's!
    I recalculated this and today is the evening of day 5 and I feel really worse than I did yesterday!
    Weird!
    I got about 4 to 5 hours of sleep last night again ! Thank you Jesus!
    But Im on a bad schedule!
    I dont go to bed til 6 a.m.!
    Somehow I have turn this around to night time sleeping!
    But for now Im not complaining, at least Im sleepin!!
    The bad thing is im taking ultram for leg cramps and at night I have been dosing down with seruquel. Like 50 mg!
    But it is helping with sleeping but, it makes you have a hangover feeling of grogginess that sucks and completely drains any energy you might have!
    Today I cant quit shaking!
    When I go to do something with my hands it's like I have parkinsons or something that a senior citizen would be doing!
    It's crazy!
    Last night I had quite a few cravings for the roxi's but Im sure it was out of boredom like other people say. So my husband blasted one of my favorites bands cd for me.(GREENDAY) It helped I couldnt quit tapping my foot!
    So my rebel spirit isnt as strong as it was on my first post but, Im still clean and am just accepting of the idea that I am gonna feel like crap for at least 2 more weeks!
    You guys that are going through the same thing that I am! I gotta tell ya it sucks but, by day 5 its alot better espeacially if you can except and prepare that you know yout gonna feel bad for a couple of weeks!
    Im shaking so bad with my hands its taking me forever to write this. I keep having to go back cause I keep typing and missing the letters I aim to tap on!
    haha!
    YOU GUYS CAN DO IT!
    PLEASE DONT GIVE UP!
    IF I CAN BELEIVE ME, YOU CAN!
    Luv ya all,

    SYDNEY

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 04:57 PM   #5
    jpsdad
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Sydney,

    All I can say is WOW! Hang in there, I have detoxed before and even though it doesn't seem like it you are past the hard part. Keep telling yourself you will be alright and you will. Go minute by minute if you have to, even though this is only day 2 for me, I feel like I am past the worst part. I have gone days without sleeping and I will tell you it will alright. The sleep thing takes the longest to get back so hang in there and take what sleep you can get. I find taking a lot of hot baths helps my legs. My biggest problem is the fatigue I feel in legs. I can't stand up for more than 15 minutes without having to sit down. I am praying for you. You will be alright and just see the light at the end of the tunnel because it is wondferful! Just imagine having more energy than you know what to do with, not worrying if you are going to run out of your drugs and where are you going to get them. There is life beyond this, I promise.

    Robert

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 05:44 PM   #6
    Arememom
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Yeah!!!!

    You are doing so well. Just a few more days and you will feel human. Not totally ok, but human. Do what ever you have to do to push those cravings away. Remember to eat. Even if it's just a few bites every few hours and if you can't eat then be sure to drink plenty of fluids. Hot tea (decaffinated) works well for me to calm some. And remember as mentioned by others the hot baths to relax. One person told us that he/she?? fell asleep in the hot tub and slept for 4 hours. Bet he/she was wrinkled when woke up...lol I'd rather be wrinkled than feel like crap. Hope you have a better night.

     
    Old 09-27-2005, 06:13 PM   #7
    Sydney777
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Arememom, valleygurll, and jpsdad,and the post's of many!

    Thanks so much for your support!
    Your words really do touch my heart and it makes me want to cry!
    Not tears of sorrow though!
    Tears of joy!
    I hope you are all doing ok and are fighting beside me!
    Wonder what it would be like to have us all in a room togehter!
    Wheeew! the sight! haha Just kidding!
    You know when I say I have had sleep, Im really not sure if I slept or not cause I dont remember sleeping but, I do not remember being awake!
    haha!
    Does anyone get what Im saying?
    Sounds stupid I know!
    But I know I must of slept cause it kinda feels like it!
    So anyways you guys are really truely wonderful souls!
    Thank you, and i will write more tomorrrow!
    YOU CAN DO IT, IF I CAN!
    Beleive in yourselves!
    Night 5 is coming to an end!
    Luv ya guys!
    SYDNEY

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 03:59 PM   #8
    daystocome
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Hi Sydney. I had to join this board so I could post to you.

    Congrats on what you have accomplished! Every day/ every minute you get through...you will be the winner of that day/minute!

    I am fighting too. On day 2 of almost cold turkey from 80mgs of Norco a day. No where near what you have done but I feel proud.

    Amazing how you can feel like crap and proud all at the same time. I wish some of this aching legs and chills would stop.... Maybe soon.

    Take care and thank you for sharing.

     
    Old 09-28-2005, 05:48 PM   #9
    Sydney777
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    I know this sounds stupid but I am trying to expend my typing energy in a positive way and I think your gonna be ok!
    hey I think that rhymes!
    Dude you are on the right path If I can do it!
    YOU CAN DO IT!
    Minute by minute remember that!
    BRING IT ON AND
    FIGHT HARD!
    SYDNEY

    PS.
    If ya'll could just see a pre picture of me and a picture now you'd scream and hand me over a peice of candy!
    I know it sounds like Im happy cause sometimes but, Im still fighting and barley hanging on dude!
    Sorry if i make no sense!
    I hope to feel better so I can continue to encourage all of you!
    Luv ya,
    You can do it!

    Last edited by Sydney777; 09-28-2005 at 05:52 PM.

     
    Old 10-01-2005, 03:03 AM   #10
    Sydney777
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Ok I Feel Better

     
    Old 10-01-2005, 04:33 AM   #11
    goddessgrl65
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Amazing..Rock on Grrrrl!!!
    Fight like a you-know what..!!!
    Got me all worked up..
    we need you here..
    im in w/ds coming off sub..
    Blessed Be..
    ggrl

     
    Old 10-01-2005, 12:15 PM   #12
    Sydney777
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Thank you gurlll and sis for the strong words of encouragement. I love everyone on this board ya;ll all have kept me alive bascially and still no breaking down to use on day 7 and its wobnderful!
    Im doing alot better and have had aome great sleep!
    Thanks for all you wonderful words of inspiration!
    I luv you all and hope you all are going stron. Please join the fight with meand put up your fist and,
    FIGHT!
    SYDNEY

     
    Old 10-01-2005, 02:28 PM   #13
    Arememom
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Hey Sydney,

    I was reading this thead over from the beginning. WOW !!! Look how far you've come in just 5 days. kool!!!!!!!! Hope you're having a good day. See ya later girl.

    Your friend
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-02-2005, 02:33 PM   #14
    Arememom
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    Hey Sydney,

    Hope your Sunday is going well. I'm having a good day except for the arthritis is killing me. Aleve is working well and I'm going to take a hot bath now

    Your friend
    Arememom

     
    Old 10-02-2005, 03:59 PM   #15
    jay26003
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    Re: Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long!

    That is awesome. Because of people like you I know I will find the courage. I am going to try to quit real soon (after I read and learn more on how to deal with it). But I am a pro in withdrawing. The leg pains are the worst. I find that stretching and keep moving them help, the only problem is falling asleep like that.

    You have made it thru the hard part. If I can make it that long there is no way I will go back. You have made it!!!!!!!!! You don't want to go back and be dead. I mean when were taking we are technically dead. I'm breathing and eating but I am walking dead you just don't know it.

    keep trucking


    love jay

     
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