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  • cocaine...i apologize it's so long....

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    Old 10-05-2005, 03:26 AM   #1
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    abstract_01 HB User
    Question's long but if you have a moment..

    i've been using coke for almost 4 years. a part of me really wants to quit. a part of me is still alive. a part of me still cares. but the thing is, finding/holding/believing/ that part is becoming more and more difficult each day. i've done a ton of research. i've read countless posts from countless forums. i am aware of the dangers. i am aware of the my shame. i'm aware of all i risk losing. why isn't this enough? what will it take?

    my downward spiral began long before my addiction. depression, despair, fear, hopelessness. all randomly creeping in, growing and pulling me down. i never sought help.

    how do you ask for help when you don't know how? when you have tried and failed to wrap words around the problem? when you can't even explain it to yourself?

    my husband.....about 2 years ago he found out i was using. big fights. words said, things done that can never be undone. and then i tried.
    but of course failing is easier than trying. he knew/knows that i am still using. it's a topic that never really fully comes up. i know he loves me. i know he wants me to quit. i wrote him a letter once and finally confessed my addiction and asked him for support. it was so incredibly hard to do. simply writing the words "i am addicted to cocaine". i was finally forced to accept the fact that this was real. i don't know which was harder. finally admitting my addiction to him or opening my eyes and admitting to myself that i was a cocaine addict. maybe some see a letter as cowardly, but it took all the courage i had to find words to express the shame and disgust i felt for what i had become. it took courage to ask for help. it took courage to then give it to him. i felt a new level of fear that day. it's amazing how many ways you can be afraid. how many new ways to hurt.

    maybe he doesn't know how to be there for me? maybe i don't know how to convey what i need from him?

    we've been together for 13 years. i've felt utterly alone for the past 5. i feel abandoned and forgotten. occasionally i try to reach out. i try to explain how much i hurt inside. i try to explain how terrified i am. i try to explain how it's becoming harder and harder for me to find the will to live. sometimes he responds by telling me it's not a convenient time for him to give me the emtional support i need. sometimes it seemed like he becomes more and more indifferent each day.

    wake up, go to work, come home. i used to have friends. i used to be social. not anymore. he doesn't have friends. he doesn't like to be social. so i gave up that part of me. i've slowly given up control of so many parts of me. given it to him. i love him and i know he loves me. i've been taking wellbutrin. he took me to the doctor. he said maybe this is what i've been needing. i don't know if it is but it's what he wants......for help me.

    maybe in some twisted way, i am using because it's something he cannot control? because i feel as though i no longer have any outlets to express myself. as though i have no personal space to retreat to. because i could see how angry it was/is making him? a negative response is still a response.

    i used to write. a lot. i had so many thoughts and ideas. so much stuff overwhelming me. i had a journal. it was my own personal therapy in a way. it was my private escape. it was where i could expose and express all that i felt. he took this from me as well. i was foolish in assuming he wouldn't read it. i felt so violated. i could not understand why. why he ignored the spoken words i found courage to offer willingly only to then steal the words that delved to the deepest parts of my soul. the words that belonged to only me. words that i would have shared with him if he asked me with his heart. words that could sometimes help take little bits of pain away.

    maybe my addiction began out of spite, out of resentment. maybe i was for a brief time actually in control. not now. i shouldn't blame him for making me use coke but there is a part of me that does. a part of me wants him to hurt as much as he has hurt me. i hurt him by hurting myself. he didn't create my pain but he ignored it. he avoided it.

    i do have good memories with him. times when he's made me laugh. times when he has comforted me. times when i felt so overwhelmed with love when i looked into his eyes. times when i felt filled with hope. hope that he was finally seeing me. that he was finally hearing me. finally feeing me. times when i felt good because i to be alive. when i could feel my heart smile. i try to cling to those times. but it's hard. it's hard to keep hoping.

    so now here i sit. he's out of town. i'm doing coke. i'm crying. i'm thinking of doing another line. and i'm trying to remember why i began writing all this. maybe i don't need a reason. maybe the reason is obvious to everyone else but me.

    so now here i sit. wondering if anyone can relate to this. wondering if this even makes sense to anyone.

    i'm not at the end yet. close but not there yet. i don't know what will happen. i don't know what decisions i will make tomorrow. i don't know a lot. i do know that at this moment in my life. this minute right now. i know that there is a part of me that is still alive. as long as i know that, i will keep hoping. keep trying. keep telling myself that maybe.........maybe my marriage can be saved. that maybe i can be saved. that maybe it's not too late. that maybe i should stick around a little longer.

    Last edited by abstract_01; 10-05-2005 at 04:17 AM.

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    Old 10-05-2005, 05:44 AM   #2
    Join Date: Jul 2005
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    Constant HB User
    Re: cocaine...i apologize it's so long....

    You are an addict. You cannot think, read or write your way into recovery, it requires action.

    You are using because YOU choose to, it is not about your husband, it is about you.
    The conflicts in your marriage, most certainly are a result of your drug use, not the other way around.

    You are responsible for your addiction and the consequences that result from that addiction.

    All that you are feeling is a direct result of the coke.

    Old 10-05-2005, 08:41 AM   #3
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    Re: cocaine...i apologize it's so long....

    Constant is 100% correct. Sometimes the things we need to hear are the hardest to hear, but you are responsible for your own situation. The rest is a symptom of the drug use. I speak from experience. When the drugs go away & work begins on starting a new life other things fall into place in their own time. I would suggest treatment to you at this point. I mean inpatient treatment. They can detox you and start providing you with some tools to live a life of recovery. Once you've decided to stop using look for local chapters of NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and go to a meeting. Nobody can do this for you, your husband can't fix you, your doctor can't fix you - it is entirely up to you to decide you are truly sick of the way you live your life.
    For your husband I'd recommend Naranon or Alanon meetings. It can help him cope with your addiction and behaviours and give him the skills he might need to help you in ways that matter. Plus, it will show him he is not alone and is not unique.
    When the consequences outweigh the pleasure you get from continued use maybe you've reached a bottom. Everybody has a different bottom. Some have to loose everything and sometimes even then it's not enough. The only place you are headed in your current state is JAIL and INSTITUTION or DEATH. Apparently some part of you wants to live and be free again, or you wouldn't be reaching out. THe support you can get on this board is great, but it's limited. Check into availability of treatment centers in your area & do whatever it takes to get clean if it's what you want. Remember, you are willing to go to any lengths to get your drugs, you must be willing to go to any lengths to stop using them.

    Old 10-05-2005, 12:41 PM   #4
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    Arememom HB User
    Re: cocaine...i apologize it's so long....


    You will hit rock bottom if you don't take action. Please go to NA where people just like you and I can give you the knowledge, tools and support that you can't get anywhere else. All of us addicts know where you are, because we've all been there. Only you can do it. You have taken that first step by posting here. Please continue posting and reading. We will tell you like it is and we'll be here to support you on your road to recovery. Remember to take one step (minute, hour and day) at a time. Even if you fall down, get right back up and take another step on this long road. It won't be easy and it won't necessarily get better quick. We didn't become addicts overnight and we won't feel better overnight either. I hope you have a good day. And keep coming back.

    Your friend in recovery,

    Old 10-06-2005, 12:26 AM   #5
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    now&then HB User
    Re: cocaine...i apologize it's so long....

    I remember sitting in the bathroom (the only room with no windows) staring at a calendar, wondering what day I would stop and what events, slow and fast moving, would lead to it. I wondered this because I felt like I was trapped on some horrible amusement park ride that was stuck on with no attendant--I was waiting for the ride to break. Still, I thought I was making progress because at least I was wondering.

    This is that place between the waves and the rocky shore. When would the riptides release me I thought. I couldn't swim much longer I felt.

    You have to be done, hit a bottom to stop, hopefully not rock bottom. The hole won't get any deeper if you stop digging.

    Finish, detox, get to a 12-step (CA, NA, or AA) meeting. There is a life-transforming solution waiting for you.

    Last edited by sumtimes slowly; 10-06-2005 at 11:27 PM.

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