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    Old 11-07-2005, 08:33 AM   #1
    togomo
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    I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    Heya, Guys. It's me, Tonnie. I wish this were one of those "___ Days Clean!" messages but alas, no such luck.
    I need some help, I know that. But I feel I've exhausted every avenue available to me, as well as tried the patience of my loved ones. My husband of 17 years has given up on me, and I understand completely. My daughters (15, 15, & 14) don't know I'm using again, but they do know I work hard and barely have enough money for cigarettes and gas; they know something's up. I have an 8-year-old son, Andrew, who is the sole reason I'm alive to write this.
    A few years ago when my only sibling, my brother Steven, became addicted to oxycontin after a successful surgery, he made the terrible decision to end his life (via shotgun.) The pain that brought to me was so enormous that I cannot stand to do that to my son. Every time I try to gather the courage to act, I imagine what that little face would look like when he was told of the news. It stops me and I am sickened to realize how close I came to hurting that little guy who loves me more than anyone in the world. One one hand I feel he'd be better off without me and on another I'm sure I truly make his life richer; it's confusing.
    I honestly don't know if Andrew is merely too young to realize what a loser I am, or he accepts that I have a problem of some sort and loves me just the same. It is for him that I know I have to beat this thing; does anyone know what I mean? I just, you know, I want to be there for him in his life, be a good part of it, make it better.
    It may sound strange, but there are NO doctors in Chattanooga who can or will write a prescription for Subutex or Suboxone. Nor are there any within an hour and a half's drive. I did find one in Louden, TN and my husband took me there about four months ago. I found the Suboxone to really help with the withdrawal process, but I blew that, of course. I began just using the Sub whenever I couldn't find or afford any oxys, and now I am out.
    I am a waitress at the local Waffle House (tell me THAT's not rock bottom!) I make $2.28/hour plus tips which average $40./ night. I pay $25. apeice for 40mg. oxycontin, which I take daily. If I have it, I'll take 160-200 mgs. of Oxycontin a day. But usually I can afford only the one, which only keeps the withdrawals at bay. This is the drill: I get off work at 6:00am and come home and ready Andrew for school; I drive him at 8:00. Then I get exactly $7.00 in gas to get to my dealer's house and spend $25. for an oxy (on a typical day I can afford only one.) I pick up a pack of smokes on the way home (knowing I'll run out by the day's end, but not being able to buy more than the one pack.) The extra two dollars is Andrew's lunch money. My entire day consists of me snorting and taking orally this one (or two) tablet(s) - seeing how much I have left, worrying I won't save enough to see me through my next shift, etc. God knows that days off are the worst - no work is no money for me, and - well, does anyone know that terrible feeling of waking up and realizing you have nothing to get you through your day? That crushing sense of desperation - oh, I can't put it into words. To say that the amount of oxycontin I have directly affects my daily activities is a horrific understatement, for it controls every single aspect of my life.
    Guys, I'm so tired of living this way. Perhaps the only thing worse than this would be the terrible, untolerable withdrawal symptoms, for I would surely not be able to work in my job while going through withdrawal. I just remember when I was forced to go cold turkey some months ago, I remember that terrible smell of - what IS that smell, anyway - of night sweating, perhaps. The feeling that the skin on my legs was crawling away from the rest of my body. The realization that even though the bathroom is only a dozen steps from my computer chair, it was out of the question to muster up the energy for even a shower. Counting minutes, not days. Oh man, I just don't think I can do that again. We told the kids I had the flu back then, and I made it 12 days completely clean. But of course I didn't have to wait on tables and feign cheerfulness like I'd have to do if I tried it now. What a nightmare that would be. Does anyone know what I mean?
    Last year I went to an inpatient (10-day) detox program in which I stayed clean for (surprise) exactly ten days. I've attended AA and NA meetings, the former with which I was met with mixed feelings and the latter which proved only a good source of "scoring" for a time. I KNOW these are programs that work, and I enjoy the fellowship of the things. But they never had any lasting benefits for me. I tried the "clear" goal in Christian Scientology which seemed like "the stuff" but was in the end fruitless (Tom Cruise I'm not.) I tried calling the doctor in Louden, TN who'd originally prescribed me the Subutex, but the nurse said that since I never kept my next appointment with him (months ago) his quota of 30 patients was already met indefinitely. I was put on a waiting list I'm pretty sure was promptly taken out with the day's trash.
    Guys, I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm (such a loser, what a tremendous loser) I'm just looking for a good word, I guess. A thing I can say is that when I read posts from the good folks who are taking Lortab or Vicoden (hydrocodone), whether it be 5, 7.5, or 10 mgs, I do have a message for you. Please, please get a comfortable taper going and stop. All oxycontin is - well, it's like a Lortab that doesn't wear off for 10 - 12 hours. And oxy isn't such a great leap from hydro - it only takes one, and your mind starts making up reasons to switch and when you've switched, it's a whole different game. All the rules are different - the cost, I mean you'll pay amounts you never thought you would for this stuff. And your way of thinking changes - your mind does a beautiful job of convincing you that you're doing nothing wrong, not really. And your body will no longer respond to one ten milligram Lortab; it'll take at least four, preferrably chewed.
    You know, I'm not sure there's any help left for me; if I were a street sign I would definitely read "Dead End." But anyone who's in the "early stages" of hydro addiction, you let YOUR sign read "Stop!" Then do it. Please, I've got no ulterior motive here; nothing to gain whether you use or not. Please know that I'm trying to stop anyone from going through this terrible, terrible process. I turned 41 last Friday but from what I estimate as my life expectancy, I may've just as well turned 91. I am not a stupid person, please hear this. Nor am I easily led, nor do I come from a family with an addictive history - nothing. This was just something I did with my brother for kicks; we'd take a few and listen to Elton John - how harmless was that? The last picture taken of him had to be taken with a wide-angle lens... it's amazing just what a close range shotgun blast can do to a body.
    I wish I was asking for advice on a particular treatment - anything - but I don't know what I have left. I think my husband is going to tolerate me until Andrew turns 18, but we have separate bedrooms and barely speak. He says addiction is a choice, not a disease, and he will likely never believe otherwise. It is beyond my parent's scope of reason that I would be using the same drug that killed Steven, that made me their only child. They are understandably disgusted and this is perhaps the one thing we still have in common.
    I'm sorry if this wasn't the feel-good post of the day. I swear, I didn't want to bring anyone down. Maybe some "recreational user" will see his or herself in this post and refuse to let this happen to him or her. Or maybe someone will give me some words of hope - I was kind of thinking of a taper, but sure do wonder how you get from, say 40mgs to nothing without losing your mind. I just can't leave half a pill alone to "save" for the next day. I want to, I swear I do, but I take it anyway. This disease is such a mystery to me still.
    I apologize for the lengthy post; there was a lot more inside me than I'd realized and I thank you so much for taking the time to listen. Congratulations to those of you who are winning this thing; you've certainly earned my respect; what winners you are!
    As was said once and is always relevant,
    "God bless us every one."
    Your Friend,
    Tonnie M.

     
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    Old 11-07-2005, 08:41 AM   #2
    tina76
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    Re: I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    Hi Tonnie - I cried reading your post. I am in the same predicament, but with methadone. This morning I made the decision to call my doctor and come clean with him, over voice mail of course. Haven't heard back yet. Is it possible that you can go to a regular doctor in your area and ask them to help you? With possibly a taper program or something like that? My heart breaks for you because I am feeling your pain as we speak. I am still sitting here with my fingers crossed hoping my DR will agree to help me out... That might be something for you to at least look into?

    Tina

     
    Old 11-07-2005, 09:07 AM   #3
    Arememom
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    Re: I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    Hey Tonnie,

    I'm so sorry to hear how bad you are feeling today. I am grateful that you have a wonderful son, who is your inspiration to stay alive today. You know that as addicts all we have is today. There are times when we must live minute to minute. You pain is heartbreaking for me, because just 84 days ago I was exactly where you are today. I too have a precious child (age 14) who loves me inspite of my addiction. And visualizing her precious face is the only thing that kept me from blowing my brains out that day. Instead I reached out for help.

    Today that is what you are doing. Since you don't have the support you need from your husband and family, it is imperative that you find even one person to be your support face to face. We will give you all the support we can and will post you with opinions/suggestions and be here to help you through.

    You must try hard to get some focus and make a plan. Take a hot bath and try to relax (easier said than done). Come back to us and let us help you make a plan. Since your husband and family can't/won't be there for you, use us as your family, because we are a big family here. Let them go, do this for yourself and your child. Children are amazing. My 14 year old sayes I'm way to hard on myself (and she knows my whole story). It sounds like your child is like mine. Their love is unconditional. Let your husband and family go emotionally for now. Thinking, wishing, obcessing over them will only impede your recovery. This is about you and the happy life you want to achieve.

    So go take that bath and I'll look to see you post soon.

     
    Old 11-07-2005, 09:22 AM   #4
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    Re: I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    Tonnie,

    My heart breaks for you, I cannot give you any advice whats so ever for I am in the same boat as you are. I can only give you the thought that you are not as alone as you feel, I feel your pain I am going through it also. I think and someone correct me if I am wrong, but I think you can go to an emergency room if your withdrawls become unmanageable and they have to help you out, maybe they can get you some help. I pray for you, I pray that all of us find some peace in this world that will take the place of these drugs. God willing it will happen for all of us.

    Peace be with you
    Dale

     
    Old 11-07-2005, 09:27 AM   #5
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    Re: I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    Tonnie - Like I told you before, I just came clean to my doctor. He called me back and applauded my honesty and ability to ask for help! I agree with Dave, methadone sounds like a good option for you. As long as you can control your intake (which is what I had trouble with) so a methadone clinic would probably work best, plus as Dave said, the added plus of counseling. If there are none in the area, really think about finding a doctor to talk to. As many have said to me, most doctors will understand and appreciate your honesty. They will try to help you. And if $ is an issue over not having insurance or something... just think about how much you will continue spending on your habit if you go on like this. Like everyone has said, you have a disease. Most of us can't treat diseases on our own. It doesn't hurt to at least make some phone calls to some medical clinics in your area and see if any doctor's around would be willing to try and help. You might be surprised. My doctor is younger and I really think that helps. He hasn't been jaded by years in the system.

     
    Old 11-07-2005, 10:01 AM   #6
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    Re: I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    Tonnie,
    I live near you. Have you looked into all resources in Chattanooga and the surrounding area? We are not supposed to share alot of personal info on here or we will get banned so I don't know how to help you. It's frustrating.

    I hope this isn't in violation of the rules:
    There are lots of resources...lots of them in Chattanooga. One of them used to be income based on a sliding fee scale. There is a program in Chattanooga which was established in 1964. Look for it on the web or in the phone book. I'm going to e-mail the moderator and see if I can list the name of the facility. I have a few very dear friends who work there..I know it's a good program. Throw yourself at the mercy of the people there - if you want it they will find a way to help you. I think the assessments are free.

    Also NA is very very strong in the Chattanooga area. I know this for a fact. There are some wonderful recovering people in the program there and in surrounding areas. There is help!!! Call the local NA helpline and talk to someone. They might also be able to hook you up with other resources.

    Also..think about how much money you are spending to support your habit. Would the money be well spent on getting an appointment somewhere? Even if you can't find a sub doctor look for an addictionologist. A physician who specialized in addiction medicine. Look through the licensing board in your state or the AMA website. You should be able to find it on the web or call a local hospital for a referral. Pay cash for the appointment if you have to. Have you been to your local department of human services? Like Dept of Family & Childrens Services...they have drug & alcohol workers and funds available to help people like you with treatment.

    There IS excellent treatment and resources in your area dear. Don't give up. Do this for yourself..the rest will fall in place later. I'm here if you need to talk. Let me know if you find something...I'm going to e-mail the moderator ask permission to post the name of this place. I doubt I'll get it. But look in the phone book start calling!!

    Last edited by BeginAgain; 11-07-2005 at 06:09 PM.

     
    Old 11-07-2005, 07:08 PM   #7
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    Re: I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    tonnie, Hello, I hope you are feeling a little better,I read your post and you sounded so down and helpless, YOUR NOT!!! Remember at our darkest times is when we find the light.It is okay to fall as long as you get back up and try again, Please dont give up,you are not a losser never say that. your sick and need the right kind of help. And its there,dont stop till you find it. Ask God to lead you, give this to god and allow him to help you seek out the right place and person.I got very sick once and for years I search for a doctor the right kind of med, my family was not there for me, I was in torment, I thought of dyeing so many times I wonted to end, I felt hopless, I felt I could not go on, not for one more day. THE only thing keeping me alive was my little boys,I would look into there little eyes and know I had to pick my self up and fight.not for me but for them.then I begain to pray a different prayer, I know longer ask god to heal me, I begain to tell him that I give up, It was all up too him. I put it into his hands.about a week later I was put in to a mental hospial, there was a doctor there that tryed a new med on me, he was so nice every day he came to me and ask me how I felt, he keep working with the med till it was just right, The day I waked out of that place, I felt I had been reborn,A new me, I will never forget that day as long as I live. AND just to think I thought there was no hope for me..... BOY was I wrong... Thank GOD I didnt do anything to end the pain I was in. Today I am free and I work and do just great......... Remember as long as we have life we have hope. And your day is coming, DONT leave an stone not turned, do what ever you have to, go where ever you are lead !DONT give up, OTHERS have bet this and so can you! A little prayer. MY heavely father I ask in your name to touch tonnie father and to lead her in the way you wont, Father I ask that you hold her hand and gide her To the right path. let her see the light, and understand what she must do to fight this thing, Father God wrap her in your loving arms, and show her the love you have for her is so much more than this addiction, I ask in your name jesus amem. TONNIE there is help out there and you will find it........................ Felicia

     
    Old 11-07-2005, 07:15 PM   #8
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    Re: I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    Hi Tonnie-
    I remember your post from when you were getting clean. I know you posted to me once and I really apprecited it. You are such an inteligent women. Very, very introspective & helpful to others. I am so sadden to hear your plight at this time. The one thing I never understood is your job. This does not sound like a job you need to "hang on to" the only reason for your job seems to be to pay for gas to your dealer and the amount of tips you make just pays for how many pills you can afford (more tips, more pills, less tips, less pills). This is how this job has been for you since the last time you posted. I remember when you were clean and you actually had money to spend on your kids, you felt so good about that. I was so happy for your kids at that time. This job is TROUBLE for you. It does not benefit your family in any way. It only alows your addiction to continue. So don't fool yourself into thinking you can't go to a clinic because you need this job. You may as well be saying I can't go to a clinic because I need my pills! Another, thought I do not think the withdrawls would be worse than the addiction. You have so much to live for! I think if your parents & your husband knew how desparate you were they would take over life with your kids & let you go get help. Please Tonnnie ...seek professional help...you are sliding into a very bad spot. You have children who love you so much. You are a wonderful person with a deadly disease that is way beyond your control. You have tried to beat this but you know you can't do it on your own.
    We are here for you...
    Please seek help...
    Kim

     
    Old 11-07-2005, 08:32 PM   #9
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    Re: I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

    DON"T GIVE UP!!!! My heart aches for you. Please, please reach out to someone. If not your family, perhaps someone from NA. I am not in the same boat but I do agree with the former poster that you are reaching out. I wish I could grab your hand. Keep thinking of your child. God will pull you through. Place your trust in him.

     
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