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    Old 11-24-2005, 03:04 AM   #106
    sk777
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    Re: Aaaahhhhhh, help anyone ativan or ambien

    3 am still up. Was sleepy and blissed out on sobriety and then thought of mess have made of life, and got all panicky and awake again.

    This is the desperation I fear the most. The middle of the night falling over tired but heart pounding. I know it'll get better. Time, need to make friends with time. Isn't that a line from a song?

    Kev-
    I'm glad you're sleeping. And that strength that you had as a Marine, and even more so getting clean, it's still in you. Buried under layers of oxy and ambien and anxiety and fear. It's there, you just need to find it again.

    Somehow I'm hanging on. I didn't think I had it in me. Really doubted I could get this far without ending up back on drugs or driving into a tree. (Though, with the latter, it'd be just my luck that I would end up like some character in Ethan Fromme)

     
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    Old 11-24-2005, 05:11 AM   #107
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    Re: Aaaahhhhhh, help anyone ativan or ambien

    Yes sk it will get better. Remember - you can't go back and change the past - remember the hell of addiction because that keeps you clean another day. Beating yourself up for the mistakes, errors, wreckage - that doesn't help and you cant change it now anyway. Don't dwell.

    Try not to get too far ahead either. Stay in the moment and savor that feeling that it's going to be okay - it is. Slowly one day becomes two, and two becomes three and that's how you build on one day at a time. This battle is won in inches not in miles. There were times I had to take it one second and one minute at a time.

    Remember the pity parties are the addict in you trying to convince you to give up on today. It's the bad voice in your head...don't listen. I know that's hard but redirecting your attention or writing it down and getting it out can help immensely. When I put it in black and white it takes away the power - also I can look back in a week or sometimes even a few days and see how far I've come.

    I think you've decided to go to a meeting. Congratulations. That can really be your saving grace at this point. Try to remember that everyone is uncomfortable the first time they go. Don't go to one and say "oh that isn't for me"..sometimes you have to go a couple times before the miracle starts to sink in. Remember everyone there is there for the same reason. Listen to the message...take what you can use and leave the rest. If you can find the stregnth speak up and tell them what you are going through...you'll be amazed at the support you receive. It will sound alot like what you are getting here.

    I am pulling for you. I'd love to welcome once more person here to the other side of the fence. You are well on your way. Hang in there. You should be very very proud of what you have acheived - this is no easy thing. God bless you & when all else fails - HIT YOUR KNEES!!

     
    Old 11-24-2005, 05:43 AM   #108
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    Re: Aaaahhhhhh, help anyone ativan or ambien

    sk, i hope you are finally sleeping. i got about 6hrs

     
    Old 11-24-2005, 09:18 AM   #109
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    Re: Aaaahhhhhh, help anyone ativan or ambien

    Sk, and all,
    I do not like telling war stories.. but I dont mind telling you how much ambien I took. I would take one, feel high... then go grab another, then another, then another, I think I took as much as 6 one night and would either pass out on my computer, in cereal, outside on the patio, in my bed in my clothes in a weird position- and wake up in the morning not remembering who I called, what I did, and I would do "spot checks" by looking around my whole house for CLUES on what I did the night before. I would find ambien on the floor! I would look on my cell phone and see numbers I called- wondering what was said! Then I had GUILT to the point where I was frozen in fear. I would call people and act like nothing happened only to find out I had made plans with them and then I had to make up some excuse on why I couldn't go.

    In rehab every who took em called em "devil pills" and I remember one girl whos story scared the __ out of me. She said she was on ambien.. left her 10 year old at home alone so she could get drugs at a club.. invited a few guys over whom she did not know be seemed nice enough... and they did the unthinkable to her daughter.

    I met people on this board who said they took ambien and went to the store and when they woke up the next morning and went out to the car it was wrecked.

    And I said no war stories. What I just told you made a profound effect on my sobriety. They say that nothing or no one can keep you sober except for meetings, God, helping others addicts.. but I think my bottom helps me stay sober. I am 100% sure those horror stories I heard from other addicts is a good reason that putting just one pill of any kind in my mouth is NOT an option.

    I need to go get ready but I will check back in tonight.

    Peace and Love on a day like today... even if its only you and your cat!

    Some people have it a lot worse.. Im thankful I have internet connection and two eyes to see!

    -Sara
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    -Sara

     
    Old 11-24-2005, 12:24 PM   #110
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    Re: Aaaahhhhhh, help anyone ativan or ambien

    I remember a while back a guy on here was going through I think hydro w/d and talked about one day when suddenly he felt better and then awful the next again. Something like "Day 5, I'm in love with day 5, want to take it out, get it a little drunk" which of course I thought was hilarious. Let's see, today is Day 7 of no drugs, Day 5 of w/d. I think I had that day yesterday. Today, back to don't care, hate self. I know I "should" do all these things, be gentle with myself, all that, I just can't seem to get there. I was there for a brief moment last night, but I can't find that feeling anymore. Maybe it's because it's Tgving and I lied to everybody about where I am and of course addiction is all lies, I feel like everybody is going to find out and hate me. And I try to remember that so much of this is chemical, receptors, I've studies biology, I understand all of that but in such an objective way that it doesn't integrate. Anyway, I woke up thinking I'm too tired and depressed to go to a meeting. It's not for like 7 hours and already I'm giving up. If I go it will be because I think I should, the way to do recovery right, and maybe that's okay, maybe if that's my only motivation right now, it's better than not going. Right now I feel like I'm fumbling around in the dark trying to figure out what people want from me, and then how to do it with the minimum effort. And that just makes me want to hide and use. Anyway, it goes without saying that I feel guilty about being whiny again.

    I know how absurd that is, but, whatever. I hope everyone is having a nice Tday and is handling family things okay, and enjoying life.

    Sara you and I have similar experiences. I completely understand the next day's archaeology project to see what was done.

    Kev, about 5 hours. 6 am. I went to a recovery chat and everybody was up for the new day and I felt so... ugh. I'm glad you slept though. How're you doing today? What're your plans today?

     
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