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    Old 12-06-2005, 05:08 PM   #1
    Moronovich
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    Quitting Vicodin again

    Once again i'm going to try to walk away from the Vicodin beast and live a normal life again. I've quit many times before. Quitting is easy. Staying quit is the challenge.

    So today is Day 1 - for about the twentieth time in the last few years. Of course the reasons for quitting are accumulating and the excuses (and funds) for continuation of the habit - the ritual - are dwindling. But still here I am - again.

    I had the discipline to cut down slowly this time. I cut down to nothing slowly - so I didn't get sick at all today - the first day taking zero. That in itself takes iron willpower because that means there are days i'm taking less than enough to get high and i'm holding enough pills to get very high. But when I think about how crappy i'll feel for days if I don't taper off - I can do it (sometimes). And this time I did. Lucky me - because had I not done so - history says - my chances of success would be near zero.

    I'll most likely have the discipline and willpower to go a few days or maybe even a week or two without the pills. The challenge for me is to stay away from them completely and not go back.

    I suffer from bipolar disorder and when I get into my depressive stage life gets very testy sometimes. Once I manage to stay away for awhile and have some green in my wallet I start thinking I can handle "just a little bit." And sometimes I can. But every day I live trying to control my cravings for those pills is a test of my willpower. And since i'm only human my willpower eventually loses. That is not an option. And I know it.

    Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

    So if nothing changes - nothing will change. So I ask myself - what will I change about myself and my mindset this time so that the insanity - and it is insanity - ceases for good this time?

    I have no magic formula. There is none. All I can do is focus on the things that I know works for me. I've beaten addiction many times in the past. I defeated weed 21 years ago. I beat Dilaudid 16 years ago. I beat cocaine 13 years ago. I escaped alcoholism 6 years ago. Did I mention insanity already?

    From experience this is what I know works for me:
    1) one day at a time - I know it takes 3 or 4 days for the initial pain to go away and 2 to 4 weeks for my body to feel normal again. But I cannot think in terms of 4 weeks. I can't imagine 4 weeks without my crutch. I can only think about today. All I can do today is not get high today. One day at a time.
    2) have fun - I try to plan and do fun things everyday. As an addict I need something fun to look forward to - it's in my makeup - and once I take away the easy high a void remains. So I fill it. It's amazing how fun the simple things in life can be!
    3) don't punish myself - I never ever think about how good it felt to get high or how much better work or a Saturday afternoon seemed to be when I was high. That only makes me miss getting high and perceive sobriety as punishment. Sobriety is not punishment - it is liberation!
    4) don't look back - Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. I cannot change the past. I can only change the future. One day at a time.
    5) I need my wife - I need her to support me. I'm asking so much of her after what i've put her through. But if she walks up to me crying and asking me "Why are you doing this to me?" or "I can't live like this anymore." several times a day it only makes it so much harder for me to succeed. It is so so so unfair to her. I cannot and will not blame my habit on her nor will I blame my failure to quit on her - that would be so unfair. But I do need her support to succceed. I've lied to her so much and broken so many promises and hurt her so many times over and over and over how can I expect her to believe that this time is any different? How can I expect her to belive me or trust me? But I need her to support me. She will cry to me "How can you expect me to live like this?" and "Why did you lie to me last week when I trusted you?" and all I can say is: I cannot change the past. I can only change the future and I need your help to do it. And she doesn't quite understand me but when she asks me if i'm going to spend some of the next paycheck on pills all i'll ever tell her is "not today" or "i'm not going to take anything today." Everyday. One day at a time.
    6) never stop believing in myself - I am not the low life that the drug has made me resemble. I am the honest loving professional with integrity and dignity that I was before I fell into this hole - and will be again. And I will re-become that person once again. One day at a time.
    7) pray - the addiction is stronger than I am. My higher power is stronger than anything in this world.

    I will try to post my success here on this thread everyday. Everything i've learned i've learned from other addicts who were willing to share. I hope what i've shared will help someone else somewhere. I hope what others will share with me will help me too. I thank everyone in advance for your support!

     
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    Old 12-06-2005, 11:42 PM   #2
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    Thank you for sharing. Sound like you've had some history with the 12 steps. Are you currently actively involved. Do you also think that is key to your long term sobriety. I am a believer in the 12 step programs. I'm over 100 days clean for the first time from my drug of choice. Relaping scares the he.. out of me and I pray to my Higher Power everyday for the strength to live one more day and sometimes one more moment clean. Good luck and I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

     
    Old 12-07-2005, 01:52 AM   #3
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    well done with the taper, I wish you the best ongoing.

     
    Old 12-07-2005, 03:02 PM   #4
    Moronovich
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    Day 2 - didn't sleep well at all last night. Tonight i'll take valium and sleep like a baby - i have a scrip for it. It helps - knocks me out.

    I had a rough day 2 - mentally - I feel this void inside me and seem to have little motivation. I'll focus on staying busy. I keep thinking about my DOC and almost missing it. I know better. I have to stop thinking about it.

    I'm familiar with the 12 steps. Thanks! I'm glad it works for many of you.

    Well i'm kind of disappointed that I feel like I do today. But in the end i'm glad that I made it a day without drugs. That's all I can do today.

    One day at a time.

     
    Old 12-08-2005, 09:24 AM   #5
    mickey56
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    Keep strong!! How long did you taper? Sounds all good from here! My buddy came off 75mg/day in two weeks and now has 7 clean weeks.He was also into everything so I know it can be done!!

     
    Old 12-08-2005, 09:27 AM   #6
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    How did you end up sleeping last night? What valium do they have you on? I really hope it worked for you. That is on the of the worst things about w/d, the not being able to sleep... it is so debilitating. I hope you are feeling better today! Let us know!

     
    Old 12-09-2005, 08:45 AM   #7
    Moronovich
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    I didn't get around to posting yesterday - but here it is:

    Day 3 - was rough. Things got tense between my wife and me. But overall it was a good day because I stayed clean.

    It kills me to think about all the damage i've done to my life (and hers) with my habit. It kills me to think about the long road ahead I have to put it all back together. But my philosophy on that is to take it one day at a time.

    A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. And it happens one step at a time. I can't repair my life today - I can't leap from here to there. All I can do is take one step in the right direction.

    Everyday I ask myself - did I do anything to make my life better today? Or worse? In which direction am I heading? Everyday is a step - everyday I either make my life a little better or a little worse.

    Was today a step in the right direction? I think so. I didn't get high and I didn't buy anything. That's all I could do today to make my life better. And I did it. Day 3 --> success.

     
    Old 12-09-2005, 08:57 AM   #8
    Moronovich
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    Night 2 - I didn't sleep hardly at all. I didn't take the valium. It's just plain old 5mg valiums a doctor gave me a year or so ago that I only take when i'm coming off and can't sleep.
    But - night 3 - I slept well - still no valiums. The natural sleep helps more than anything and if I can i'll sleep all I can.

     
    Old 12-09-2005, 09:28 AM   #9
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    I know that many people on this board have used melatonin to help promote "natural" sleep at night. I haven't tried it myself yet, but am going to pick some up this weekend. It may help you as well so that you can get more nights of the natural un-medicated sleep as well.

     
    Old 12-13-2005, 08:24 PM   #10
    Moronovich
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    Today wraps up Day 8 and i'm starting to break thru. I feel alive again. I'm starting to feel better physically and mentally. I have energy and am starting to enjoy the little things in life again. I'm sleeping now without the valium although I needed it to sleep for a few nights. I forgot how great it feels to get off of this stuff!

     
    Old 12-13-2005, 08:33 PM   #11
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    Re: Quitting Vicodin again

    Yeah!!!!

    The worst of the physical stuff is probably over. But if you feel worse in a day or so just know that this happens sometimes also. And it doesn't last for long. Glad your getting rest as that is very important in recovery. Have a good night.

     
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