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-   -   Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/addiction-recovery/370363-fentanyl-patch-withdrawal.html)

togomo 03-06-2006 01:17 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Tina, thank you for writing about the doctor in Fort Oglethorpe. That's a little town in Georgia and I'm in Tennessee, but it's only like 20 minutes away! I'm going to try to find him right now.
I found two (2) methadone clinics near my home and I had resolved to go to one tomorrow morning after taking my son to school (wow, there's a picture of success, cook a healthy breakfast for the family, take the kids to school, then off to - no, not the PTA, but the meth clinic; what a winner!) (Oh how painful, in reality, this is.) I know the sub took care of my withdrawal symptoms last time, and I remember thinking, "Man, I could DO this!" Thing is, I had no desire to; my husband had insisted I went. This time it's me that wants it; god I'm so determined! Methadone or Suboxone, but I'm going to do this.
I'll try to find that sub doctor right now (I did look in Ft. Oglethorpe before with no luck; perhaps this time.... is there any way you could give me his name if I can't find him? Is that sort of thing allowed here... I'm thinking it is...) Thank you SO much for that.... oh god please let this work.
Thank you guys so very much for your kind words and thoughtful replies. I can't tell you what a comfort that is for me; I read your posts again and again, loving the pats-on-the-back and well wishes; it really motivates me. I don't have anyone here with whom I can discuss this; the one close friend I have takes oxys and keeps telling me I can just "cut down" and "do great like [she is} I am." She like, when my husband said he would divorce me if I didn't get off the dope (he had every right to feel that way) she wanted me to divorce him first and fight for the house and kids (my kids are: twin daughers 16, daughter 15, and son 8) and basically try to get him to support me and my habit. But others at work (that's where I met her) tell me she's just a user and wants me to do that so she can move into my house. And they might be right; she lives week-to-week in a small trailer and is always getting something turned off (like lights, water, etc.) The last thing I want to do is live like her! remember on Christmas morning, she got off work at 6:00am and came to my house to tell me to go get her ONE pill (it was like 22 degrees) I told her Andrew hadn't even gotten up yet and that I didn't need any; hadn't planned to make a drug run on Christmas! But I wound up going because she was like, so desperate I was afraid she was going to wake up my husband and the kids... and this on Christmas! Anyway, she says I can taper or get another part-time job, but I've tapering and I can't do it; I need professional help, I know I do. Do you think she's truly a friend who wants to help, or do you think what I've a sinking feeling is so, that she's just in this for what she can get? Like, she once had drawn out a diagram of my home and which of her grandkids would get which rooms (they stay with her a lot; they, too, live in a tiny trailer right next door to her; her daughters and 7 grandbabies under age 7!) Anyway, she had marked on the rooms their names and even on the bathrooms who would use which ones... it was downright scary. I thought she was kidding, of course, but nope... My husband isn't a bad guy at all, but he's tired of my using and taking time and money away from the family to support this habit. He worked hard for our home, which is huge that's true but we really scrape to make those payments, and he's so proud of it. I cannot imagine going to a lawyer and asking for the house, the kids, and half of all he has after he's given 200% over the last years (since Steven died in 2001) to make up for my shortcomings. I cannot imagine waking up one morning with my house full of her grandkids to realize I'd lost everything (and that's if I GOT the house; of course there's a good chance I wouldn't, but she dismisses that.) Man, I'd want to just scream! She was showing me that house plan and she had a question mark on my little boy's bedroom and I asked what that was for and she said she wanted to see if he had bunkbeds; her daughter's boyfriend's son (he's ten) would be staying in there... I'm telling you it was all I could do to keep my lunch down. I think I'm seeing what others at work have been telling me all along, although I'm just seeing it clearly today. She was so good to talk to, though, I did think she was my friend. Have any of you noticed, also, that those who were such good "friends" - I mean, those who you thought were friends, kind of change when you want to stop? I can't believe how adamant she is about me not stopping the oxy! I just - I have to think it's because of something as shallow as her wanting me to go and get them for her every day, and that hurts so badly. Maybe she just can't stand to see me going through withdrawl, I just don't know. I'd sure like your take on this, those who've been here.
Well, I'm going to get busy, first looking for that suboxone doctor in Fort Oglethorpe, and if I can't find him I'll talk to the folks at the methadone clinics and see if they'll let me come around eight in the morning. The clinics are near Ft. Oglethorpe, as well, both around a half hour away; ten minutes more than I drive to get my oxys, so I can't say they're "too far"! I'm really excited about this change (well that is if one can be both excited and terrified... lol yes that IS possible; I felt this on my wedding day!) lol Hey, think of the similarities therein... Both (getting married and choosing to quit my doc) are A) a lifelong commitment, B) something that's been given a great deal of thought, and at least in my case, C)both are things I've tried before and am trying to do RIGHT this time! I'm thinking, "How will I feel this time tomorrow?" And I - I just don't know. I'm off (after tonight; I work third shift tonight) then I'm off until Thursday night, so I won't have to worry about work or seeing my "friend" (I can avoid her calls; it's working together I can't avoid!) Oh, she had told me that she'd known many folks who tried the methadone thing and not a one of them succeeded. I asked her what the main reason for their failure was and she said they had no energy when on it and couldn't work, couldn't perform normal duties, etc. But she also knows that energy levels are something I'm always trying to increase, and that that would be a good way of keeping me from going. Then she talked about how much harder it'd be to get off the meth, but my point is it's LEGAL, I'll be under a doctor's care, and I can insist on being tapered once it's successfully gotten me away from oxycontin. And I'd be saving $300. a week, just in cash (tips)! I won't have to plan things around pills, and I can contribute to the family for the first time ever! (I only got a job when I needed more money to supply my oxys... 16 years of soccer-momming; I was good at it and would love to get back in their lives!) My mood won't always depend on how many milligrams I've got in my jacket pocket, and I won't snap at the kids when I'm in a panic over - surprise - drugs. I'll be like I was before my brother died... and best of all oxycontin won't have taken the life of my parents only living child as it did their only son. All these benefits and all I have to do it get off my butt and do it... man I'm kinda getting hyped just here talking about it!
I would SO appreciate any input I can get... it's a scary path but I've got my mind made up (I think... lol wow but change is so scary for me... is it like that for you guys? Do you know what I mean by being frightened of it?) I don't mean to sound as though I'm laughing or anything... it's just the nerves, the fear of first walking into that place and telling them my sordid story. And even more than that, it's the knowing that after tomorrow I will never snort that stuff again... it doesn't seem possible! I can't imagine not making that trip every morning, and sucking the coating off a pill on the way home so I can crush it as soon as I get home for a snort... not being able to sleep unless I know I've got something to snort when I awaken, counting my tips in twenty-fives (each $25. is one oxy 40mg), sneaking the quarters out of my change-bucket that I'm saving to take Andrew to the beach this summer to buy - surprise - more oxy, I just can't imagine not living like that anymore and a part of me wonders if, since I'll always think of Steven's suicide as my fault, if perhaps I'm trying to sabatage my own efforts at getting clean because I feel I shouldn't, don't deserve, to be happy? Because I'm listing all this and I'm wondering why I've gone on like this for so long. I just - I don't know. I know I do it now because I simply can't quit and hold down my job with withdraw symptoms. But why I did it for so long to start with? Perhaps the pain of Steven's taking his life was part of it, that's when the hydro's turned to oxy's (and that's some change, there... no looking back after ya make that change, I believe.) Perhaps I should be talking to a professional about why I've made the choices I have for so long. lol Well you can tell I'm kind of psyched about this. If only I could keep this - you know, this train of thought, this positiveness <-may not be a word about me? I need it, need to stay on this thought track, long enough to get my plan together and begin. Getting clean is definitely one of those things I've procrastinated about in my life and I'd like to make no more excuses....
Let me see if I can get hold of that doctor before his office closes.... please let me hear what you're thinking; you've no idea what your posts mean to me or how many times I pour over them. It's especially important now that my new "friend" may not be so friendly after all.... thank you for your constant friendship; it means everything.
Very Truly,
Your Friend
Tonnie

tina76 03-06-2006 01:26 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Tonnie - You are very welcome. No, I don't know his name but I can try to find out if you can't find him. I'll try to get in contact with my friend. Just happened to talk to her over the weekend and found out where she was going. Coincidence! :)

Either way, you are on the right track. I would still go to teh methadone clinic and see what they have to say. Even if you DO find the sub doctor. That way you can decide which path you feel is best for YOU. Ya know? Get as much info on both places as you can. The one thing I know about methadone is that it is known to be cheap. I am not sure on the sub prices. You would know more on that than I would. But I know(since I'm on it) that methadone is extremely inexpensive. I pay less for my entire months worth (if I did not have insurnace) then you do for ONE oxy. So...that is just an example of the low cost. I know there is more entailed with the clinics (counseling etc...) so I'm sure that is worked into the charge somewhere. But as I said, I have zero idea of what a sub clinic costs. But I would definitely check into both places. See where you feel most comfortable, etc.... that sort of thing. Because I feel that will be important in your recovery. I know it would be for me.

Let me know what you find out!!! :)

Tina

tina76 03-06-2006 02:34 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Hey Tonnie -

I got in touch with my friend. The docotr's name you are looking for is Dr. Adams. And he is for sure in that town. I hope that will help in your search! Don't know if you have found anything yet. I hope you have!!! Let me know!

I am really rooting for you here!
Tina :)

jkhopeful 03-06-2006 04:44 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Hi Tonnie

Your posts are so full of pain - it makes me cry to read them. You WILL get through this and get to the other side. I know how you feel. I used to look around and think - "Why can't I be like her or him" or anyone who I thought looked like they might be straight! I was so ashamed all the time. I have a pretty high profile corporate job and I would have been mortified if all my co-workers would have known about my drug problem. I'm still digging myself out of my credit card debt that I caused for myself over drugs. My husband is pretty disgusted about that too, but he's standing by me for the most part. He doesn't always give me the emotional support that I'd like, but he's there, and we're working on it.

I know now its hard to imagine what a "straight life" is like - I didn't snort - but the constant counting of pills,making sure I had enough, waking up in withdrawals every day - I don't miss that. I ripped off so many medicine cabinets over the years, I can't even begin to count them! And that was before I even admitted I had a problem!

I'm not sure what route is best for you - sub, meth, cold turkey or inpatient treatment - you have to decide for yourself. But don't be afraid to tell your story to whomever you decide to go to for help. They're trained to deal with addiction - they hear it every day. If you can't tell someone you go to for professional guidance, who can you trust? I cried through my entire first appointment with an addictionologist and she was so nice to me. I regularly see a therapist now who is a former drug addict herself and is an addiction specialist. She understands me pretty well. There is help out there. You just need to be determined to do it. The first step is knowing you can!

We're all rooting for you. Do it for your kids, your husband, for the memory of your brother, but most of all , do it for YOU. You are worth it!

A friend in recovery,

Jan

tina76 03-07-2006 07:50 AM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Tonnie -

Just wanted to see if you made any progress last night or this moring. Let me know!

Tina :)

ToyTizzy 03-07-2006 06:53 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Tonnie - I have followed your story. I am rooting for you. I hope that things work out for you either way you decide to go. I understand being trapped in that painful pill cycle. For me Subtex has been a god send. I have only been on it a few days but it has already made a tremendous difference in my life and I am being sustained at a very low dose which should make it easier to come off later. Hang in there and don't give up. If you really want to get better and you don't give up - you will make it and eventually the right combination will be there at the right time. The key for me was being really ready to do something different and stick with it.

togomo 03-10-2006 09:32 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Hello, guys!
I'm stunned and grateful at the number of folks who gave me such genuinely good advice; thank you so much for that. Never did I believe I could succeed more than after I'd read your posts.
Here's what I did: I missed my appointment with the meth clinic (I called and made one for yesterday morning) because - I know it'll sound stupid - but I couldn't find my license and they had to have it for me to begin treatment. I had it the day before and - I'll have to dig through the car again; I know it's there. I can just go down for $13. and get another one. The reason I'm not considering this a cop out is the guy who sells me a lot of my oxy really wants me to get off it - he really isn't such a bad guy, like most I buy from. So he's getting me 40mg Methadone pills - they're huge, scored for four 10mg pieces and you let them dissolve in water; it's exactly what the methadone clinic gives. And he gives them to me for $15. where the clinic will charge a one-time $64. sign up fee, then four dollars a dose. I'm coming out about the same financially, as going to the clinic would use much more gas than going to his house. So instead of $75. a day it's $15. and here's the kicker:
I HAVEN'T HAD SO MUCH AS A CRUMB OF OXYCONTIN IN OVER 48 HOURS.
I've had 40mg methadone daily the past two days and I've already bought enough to get me through until Tuesday. I know it's better to go through them, but it'll take a few days to get down to the license place; weekends are very busy workdays for me, (a 12-hour shift tomorrow.... this'll put that methadone through the test!!!) I just - I mean, I'm still here and I just don't feel sick. My legs aren't jerking, god I hate that, and I'm not camping in the bathroom nor am I feeling like I'm a-crawlin' right outta my skin. Nothing like that. A little, just a smidge, less energy, but an occasional plegine (diet pill; I get those legally but take them seldom) chased that away. What I'm saying is that I haven't had an oxy in over two days and I'm about to go to bed so let's go ahead and say three - I'll awaken at noon and I must be at work at two, no time to even think about wanting any oxy. This is just kind of amazing... do you know what I mean?
It's not a wonder drug; I still get bored and want to be high... there'll be like, one of my favorite movies coming on (this was last night, and Scarface was coming on; I wished I had a buzz, but the feeling was fleeting and I felt just fine cozying up and watching it with a Mr. Pibb and some chex mix.) I enjoyed it, I swear I did, and I'm as amazed as you are, believe that! This guy at work goes to the clinic, and he said the wafer is what he gets, too..
Thank you SO much for your help... please write and let me know your thoughts..... hope I still have your support!
Very Sincerely Yours,
Your Friend,
Tonnie

ToyTizzy 03-11-2006 04:53 AM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Of course you still have our support. I was really hoping that you made it to find out about Sub at the doctor near you. I worry about the way you are getting your methadone. Don't get me wrong - I am really glad it is helping you but there is something about continuing to get things "under the radar" that seems to keep us trapped in the old behavior patterns. Does that make any sense to anyone else? I was just thinking that getting you Methadone from a dealer vs. getting treatment from a Methadone clinic or Sub doc might keep you locked in the same behavior pattern as getting your Oxy from a dealer.

For me, and I can only speak for myself, chaning my behaviors and thinking patterns has made a big difference in how well I do on a day to day basis and I think it will make a difference after I''m off the Sub in a week or two. Its sort of like retraining my brain to think a different way, act a different way and pursue recovery in a different way.

I think we all do what works and I am okay with whatever a person can do to break the addiction cycle and start healing. I sincerely hope this works for you. But atleast get checked out by a doctor when you can - all the years of drugging and swapping addictions and generally not taking good care of ourselves takes it's toll. I don't know much about Methadone but could it make you sick, cause health problems, do you need to be monitored for health reasons? Take care Tonnie and give some more thought to eithr going to the clinic or checking into the Sub doctor in Ft. Oglethorpe.

tina76 03-11-2006 11:19 AM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Tonnie-

I am proud of you for not taking the oxy, and I am ALWAYS going to be here to support you,but I really feel that you need to start getting your methadone from the clinic and not from thsi guy anymore. I am sure he is helping you out, but he is also wanting to make his $$$.

The other thing is that I have been told by THREE different doctors that the normal dose of methadone used for addiction maintenance is 80mg to 180mg a day. They start you at around where you are but more than likely 40mg is NOT goign to be enough to kill your cravings for the oxy. My doctor explained the titrating system to me when I started it for pain managment. I am on 40mg JUST for my pain. And I am getting ready to go up. The pain managment dosing is normally much lower than the addiction maintenance dosing. So I am concerned that I am getting ready to raise my dose and we are taking the same amount. I started at 30mg and for the first two weeks I felt GREAT and did NOT think I was going to have to titrate up. But all of a sudden after two weeks it just started seeming not as effective. My doctor explained this to me... she said that when you first start methadone that it is so new to your system so your body really clings to it and it feels really effective...but after a week or two after your body has become accustomed to it that feeling goes away and it is at THAT time (when your body has gotten used to the drug) that the doctors will begin slowly titrating the patient's dose up to an appropriate level. So what I am saying is that, while you are feeling great right now, I am concerned that within the week the 40mg is not goign to be enough.

Also, methaone can be just as and in fact I have even head that it is MORE addictive than oxy. You need to be getting this medication from a professional that is experienced with prescribing it and knows you to get you to the appropriate dose for your addiction management.

So.... Like I said, OF COURSE I am still going to be here for you...no matter what you decide. But I am hoping that you are still planning on goign to the clinic! You really need to make another appt with the clinic and get in there next week. The clinic is there to treat your addiction as a whole. Just killing the oxy cravings isn't going to solve everythign, and they will help you with ALL of that. My biggest reason for wanting you to go to the clinic is the titrating of the doses. You NEED to be with a doctor who knows how to get you up to the right dose. Evne when I first started for my pain it was with my primary and he had NO idea how to prescribe methadone and so I felt like complete crap the whole time! I'm SO worried that in a few days this 40mg is goign to stop working...and then you will either be buying extra methadone or you will get some oxy and then adding that ON TOP of the methadone that stays in your system for days and days. I'm really not trying to sound preachy. PLEASE know that. I just want you to succeed. And I just don't see how that is going to be possible in this situation. If it was me, I would make the appt for the clinic as soon as possible.


Please post back. I hope you understand what I am saying about not trying to sound like I am preachign at you. I am by NO means perfect. I am a screwed up addict trying to stay on the straight and narrow and it is a struggle EVERY day. I just really care about you and want to see you succeed so I am being as honest as possible about my gutt feelign regarding all of this. I want this to work for you. AND for your kids. I want to keep hearing these "happy" posts because you deserve taht SO much and have been suffering for way too long as it is. So the sooner the better with getting the addiction as a WHOLE under control... and from my understanding that is what they do at the clinic. Meds AND counseling...

Let me knwo what you decide! And keep it up staying off the oxy's! It DOES sound like methadone is working for you and that is AWESOME!!!

Tina :)
And once again... CONGRATS on not taking any oxy!!!!!!!!!!!

slipperyslope 03-11-2006 03:23 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Tonnie this is NOT a good idea. First off you are self medicating STILL. You also need to break away from this drug dealer and close the book. End of story. No more trips to his house as its going to be to tempting to take an OXY since he does have them. I think that the methadone clinic is a much better choice for you and as Tina said, 40 MG'S is not enough for you to stay out of trouble. you need to go to the clinic every day and get your dose and be monitored by a DR..... and have a support sytems, someone to answer to at a clinic would be good for you, plus you need to be drug trsted to keep clean...I think that you are making up excuses to not go to the clinic. I don't mean to be a witch but I really would like to see you under a DR'S care and to do this right. Buying a 40 mg a day is from a drug dealer is not what I think of as getting clean..... Once you find your drivers License I hope you can make the first step and go to the clinic like you said you were going to do.. you need the help and deserve it... Keep us posted.... Hugs to you.

Constant 03-11-2006 03:48 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
I absolutely agree with everything Slipperyslope has said. The truth is, in my opinion, you are still using by buying from your dealer. I can't understand how you could pay for the meth but not for a $13.00 license. I believe you know the truth and are looking for us to support you in your madness. I don't say that to be mean, because I have been you, I have been there and I know how the mind of an addict works.

I cannot, in good concious, tell you that you are doing the right thing. In fact, I feel strongly that you are trying desperately to justify your decision. It is called half measures.

Please, please, please, do the right thing.

The other comment that stuck out for me was you comment that you dealer was really not such a bad guy. You know that is not so, it's just not. He does not have your best interest at heart.

Please be honest with yourself and rethink this.

Best of luck.

tina76 03-12-2006 11:24 AM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Tonnie - Haven't heard from you.... PLEASE do not be upset by everyone's posts. I know how I used to be and I would have read everything when I was still a practicing addict and I would have been really upset by everyone's posts...and not taken the time to look and see what people were actually saying. When I was using I didn't want AnYONE to not agree with my line of thinking etc....

But what these posts show is how much we all love and care about you. How much we value your friendship. How much we all truly want you to have what you have wanted for soooo long... Your life back.

We are all just worried and concerned for you. You have taken the first step, which is NOT taking any oxy's which is FANTASTIC and I am SO happy for you. But now you need to take the next step and seek real help and guidance thru this journey...and to do that you need to go to the clinic. Which I know that you know or you never would have set up the original appt. So get in there and see what they can offer you.

Slippery - I'm glad that you agreed on the 40mg. I was only going on what I had been told by doctor's in regard to dosing amts for addiction maintenance, but I am glad to know I was not wrong and that you have the same information. :)

Tonnie - We love you! Please post! Let us know how you are doing, how the weekend went, etc...

Luv Ya Girl!
Tina

Largeman 03-12-2006 09:19 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Hey Tonnie,

I just wanted to drop in and let you know that YOU were one of the people whose stories inspired me to get myself clean 8+ months ago and that I'm pulling for you now. The very first post I read when I came here in July was one of yours and when I heard the pain you were going through and when I read about your brother it was the shocking dose of reality I needed to push me forward and make a change in my own life. The impact your story made on me and my decision to quit is something I will always be grateful to you for. I know how hard things can get and how easy it is to get down on yourself when you feel like you are throwing your life away so I wanted you to know the difference you made in mine.

I owe you :)

-Large

jkhopeful 03-13-2006 07:34 AM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Tonnie

I second what Largeman says - yours was one of the first stories I read last August when I first came on board. I've been clean from hydros since September 16th (for the most part - I'm not perfect). I was inspired by you and now I want to inspire you. You can do this. I agree, it would be best to get to the clinic and be under a doctor's care, but you need to do whatever it takes to get you clean. No judging here. I personally think the tough love needs to come from family members and close friends, not this board.

Hang in there - I don't have much time to post during the day, but I read all the time. Have a great day!

Jan

togomo 03-14-2006 04:58 PM

Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?
 
Hello, friends.
I wanted to say that Largeman and jkhopeful, then we have inspired one another, for your posts were some of those that I poured over regularly, the one's I felt I could really relate to and I'm surprised and so happily so that my own posts helped you, as well; I never would've thought it, to be honest.
Well, when I re-read where I'd written that my dealer "wasn't such a bad guy", of course I cringed. This not-such-a-bad-man watched me go from one or two hydro tens a day to this 200+ oxy habit, and he was there to lift me on to the next step when my current dose wasn't getting me high enough. He's the one who gave me the (housewive's favorite hydro line) "you'll want to clean your whole house after taking this" bit, and he's the one who delighted in watching me snort my first line of oxy. Yes, my dealer is a real gem, alright!
Here's how he handled the methadone thing. First it was $4. for one of those 40mg wafers that say "methadose" on them. That was just over a week ago and now the price is already $20.00 (he said he'd meant that each QUARTER of a wafer, or 10mg, was four dollars.... yeah right.) The clinic is just $11 a day! And they offer doctor's supervision in dosage increases, etc. and counseling, as well as control my meds (I actually NEED a place to dole out only a day's worth at a time; I've certainly proven I cannot pace myself as I should.) I don't know what I was thinking. I do, however, have some very good news... I found my driver's license!
I know that losing the driver's license thing sounded like the cop-out of the year. But they wanted all these documents to get another one, and - I don't know if any of you are like this or if it's just me, but ever since I've been on the dope my life (paperwork, etc.) has been just a mess. I couldn't find my diplomas if I had to, let alone SS cards and such. But I found it, thankfully, and now I can move on to the methadone clinic as planned. There is a guy at work who goes there and he's told me all about it; it sounds like just what I need. You go every morning (except Sunday; they give you enough on Saturday to cover Sundays.) The cost is a $58. sign-up fee, then eleven dollars a day - I can do that!
Although I do feel a personal victory in that I haven't had oxycontin in over five days, I know that the way I'm doing it now is just going to paint myself into another corner.... I'll be needing more methadone than this one wafer, then I'll be paying all my tips again for that.... I see just where this is going! But nope, not this time. I've got an appointment for Thursday morning and I've already done methadone and know it will work, so I'm really looking forward to this big step.
I know that the methadone takes care of the physical symptoms, but I know I'll need counseling to get rid of the emotional/psychological ones. There was an initial reason why I chose to medicate myself, I know. When Steven took himself away, I think I thought I was too big a loser to survive this world without dope; nobody could tell me that wasn't my fault, what he did. Issues like that must be addressed, and by professionals, I believe. I believe many of us self medicate for pain, but for emotional pain which would be better addressed from a psychological standpoint. I've got good insurance and I plan to use it to figure out why I'm so bent on knowing I could've/should've saved Steven. Even if I COULD'VE, I didn't, and for my own children's sake, I must go on with that knowledge. Putting an 80mg oxycontin up my nose and driving down to see his ashes used to be my idea of extensive therapy; I'm thinking that just the fact that I now see the bizarreness of that behavior is a good step.
You know, this is a lot like, well - like, when we were little we used to close our eyes and walk around to see "what it was like to be blind".... (usually after an especially heart-wrenching episode of Little House on the Prairie...) Well that's what this is like; walking around with a feeler out in front of me, not knowing what obstacles may be in my way and doing my best to avoid catastrophe. This isn't something I grew up watching my mother and her mother do; so I'll go into it "blindly" and hope that, with the use of feelers like this board and a good counselor, I'll soon be able to get around so that nobody knows of my handicap... that's the plan, anyway.
I'll continue to take the 40mg methadose I bought from my dealer until my appointment. It's so strange not to be using.... not to have that taste of oxy as it went from my nose down my throat (god help me but I grew to love that taste) and not having to make excuses when my husband asks me where my tip money went (like he didn't know.) I've got a lot of faith in the methadone now, and I'll put my faith in the program, also.
I will definitely keep you posted with every single change as it happens and I want you to know how grateful I am for your support. I was kind of down about the posts; I guess anyone would've been. Thank you for those who knew me back when and are here to continue their support; oh man how important you are to me. I promise you'll hear from me as soon as I've been to the clinic (there'll come a time when I can say that word without wincing, too, I gather...)
I just, well thanks again so much for caring, I've just overwhelmed by those of you that truly do.... what amazing people you are, just unbelievable. And as we are all davids to this goliath Addiction, all the help I can get is so appreciated. You'll hear from me again soon, god bless us all, truly.
Your Friend,
Tonnie


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