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    Old 03-14-2006, 05:34 PM   #31
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Now THAT sounds like a person wanting to recover.

    Good luck on the five days. Let's get moving toward the rest of your life. You will be amazed at the wonder you have to look forward to by getting and staying clean.

     
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    Old 03-14-2006, 05:59 PM   #32
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by togomo
    Hello, friends.
    I wanted to say that Largeman and jkhopeful, then we have inspired one another, for your posts were some of those that I poured over regularly, the one's I felt I could really relate to and I'm surprised and so happily so that my own posts helped you, as well; I never would've thought it, to be honest.
    Well, when I re-read where I'd written that my dealer "wasn't such a bad guy", of course I cringed. This not-such-a-bad-man watched me go from one or two hydro tens a day to this 200+ oxy habit, and he was there to lift me on to the next step when my current dose wasn't getting me high enough. He's the one who gave me the (housewive's favorite hydro line) "you'll want to clean your whole house after taking this" bit, and he's the one who delighted in watching me snort my first line of oxy. Yes, my dealer is a real gem, alright!

    Here's how he handled the methadone thing. First it was $4. for one of those 40mg wafers that say "methadose" on them. That was just over a week ago and now the price is already $20.00 (he said he'd meant that each QUARTER of a wafer, or 10mg, was four dollars.... yeah right.) The clinic is just $11 a day! And they offer doctor's supervision in dosage increases, etc. and counseling, as well as control my meds (I actually NEED a place to dole out only a day's worth at a time; I've certainly proven I cannot pace myself as I should.) I don't know what I was thinking. I do, however, have some very good news... I found my driver's license!
    I know that losing the driver's license thing sounded like the cop-out of the year. But they wanted all these documents to get another one, and - I don't know if any of you are like this or if it's just me, but ever since I've been on the dope my life (paperwork, etc.) has been just a mess. I couldn't find my diplomas if I had to, let alone SS cards and such. But I found it, thankfully, and now I can move on to the methadone clinic as planned. There is a guy at work who goes there and he's told me all about it; it sounds like just what I need. You go every morning (except Sunday; they give you enough on Saturday to cover Sundays.) The cost is a $58. sign-up fee, then eleven dollars a day - I can do that!
    Although I do feel a personal victory in that I haven't had oxycontin in over five days, I know that the way I'm doing it now is just going to paint myself into another corner.... I'll be needing more methadone than this one wafer, then I'll be paying all my tips again for that.... I see just where this is going! But nope, not this time. I've got an appointment for Thursday morning and I've already done methadone and know it will work, so I'm really looking forward to this big step.
    I know that the methadone takes care of the physical symptoms, but I know I'll need counseling to get rid of the emotional/psychological ones. There was an initial reason why I chose to medicate myself, I know. When Steven took himself away, I think I thought I was too big a loser to survive this world without dope; nobody could tell me that wasn't my fault, what he did. Issues like that must be addressed, and by professionals, I believe. I believe many of us self medicate for pain, but for emotional pain which would be better addressed from a psychological standpoint. I've got good insurance and I plan to use it to figure out why I'm so bent on knowing I could've/should've saved Steven. Even if I COULD'VE, I didn't, and for my own children's sake, I must go on with that knowledge. Putting an 80mg oxycontin up my nose and driving down to see his ashes used to be my idea of extensive therapy; I'm thinking that just the fact that I now see the bizarreness of that behavior is a good step.
    You know, this is a lot like, well - like, when we were little we used to close our eyes and walk around to see "what it was like to be blind".... (usually after an especially heart-wrenching episode of Little House on the Prairie...) Well that's what this is like; walking around with a feeler out in front of me, not knowing what obstacles may be in my way and doing my best to avoid catastrophe. This isn't something I grew up watching my mother and her mother do; so I'll go into it "blindly" and hope that, with the use of feelers like this board and a good counselor, I'll soon be able to get around so that nobody knows of my handicap... that's the plan, anyway.
    I'll continue to take the 40mg methadose I bought from my dealer until my appointment. It's so strange not to be using.... not to have that taste of oxy as it went from my nose down my throat (god help me but I grew to love that taste) and not having to make excuses when my husband asks me where my tip money went (like he didn't know.) I've got a lot of faith in the methadone now, and I'll put my faith in the program, also.
    I will definitely keep you posted with every single change as it happens and I want you to know how grateful I am for your support. I was kind of down about the posts; I guess anyone would've been. Thank you for those who knew me back when and are here to continue their support; oh man how important you are to me. I promise you'll hear from me as soon as I've been to the clinic (there'll come a time when I can say that word without wincing, too, I gather...)
    I just, well thanks again so much for caring, I've just overwhelmed by those of you that truly do.... what amazing people you are, just unbelievable. And as we are all davids to this goliath Addiction, all the help I can get is so appreciated. You'll hear from me again soon, god bless us all, truly.
    Your Friend,
    Tonnie

    "usually after an especially heart-wrenching episode of Little House on the Prairie..."
    -- Good lord did this line make me laugh...and then cringe as I immediately identified. Kudos for keeping a sense of humor through out it all, Tonnie.

    Large's Law: the odds of losing a document rises in direct proportion to the importance of said document. Oh and I'm still terrible with organization. I can keep a take-out menu for a restaurant that has been closed for ages but I haven't seen my social security card since Saturday Night Live was still funny.

    Good luck on Thursday. You'll be in my thoughts!
    __________________
    "Everything looks perfect from far away"

    Last edited by Largeman; 03-14-2006 at 06:01 PM. Reason: Edited because sobriety has done nothing to help my spelling.

     
    Old 03-15-2006, 04:56 PM   #33
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Hi Tonnie

    Good to see your post and you've got a plan moving you in the right direction. I remember when I first decided I needed to quit, I just didn't know what to do first. I thought of the suboxone route because I was so terrified of the withdrawals and I didn't get a good response when I called to try to get an appointment so I nixed that idea. Then I tried tapering which didn't work for me at all. The main reason I went cold turkey was after I told my husband about my addiction, I knew he would be watching me and I knew it was the only way to stay straight. I didn't plan it much. I just decided one weekend to blurt it out to him that I'm a drug addict and I need to quit. I was crying when I told him and he was pretty understanding although he's not always so emotionally available now.

    Anyway, you sound like you're on the right path. I would definitely recommend a therapist - at least give it a try. I still see a therapist and some sessions are better than others, but she does keep me somewhat grounded. You've had so much sadness and pain that I think it would help you to get some professional help to deal with it all. My therapist keeps telling me I need to develop "coping mechanisms" to deal with my stress, pain and anger instead of drugs and credit cards. I thought the drugs and credit cards were working just fine for years - but that has come to a screeching halt!!

    One of my coping mechanisms is coming to this board. Whenever I want to use again, I come on and read someone else's sad story and it just inspires me to stay strong. There are just so many of us fighting it and I want to be here to tell people it can be done. I truly loved my narcotics (at one time) and I've had to almost go through a grieving process to live the rest of my life without them but so far, I'm doing it! YOU CAN DO IT AS WELL! And pretty soon you'll be telling everyone "If I can do it anyone can" I think we all think that - we start out thinking we'll fail and its only when we can get beyond that negative thinking - that we find out we can succeed and there is life after drugs. I've played the role of the "party girl" long enough. Now its time to be straight. Have a great night and stay strong. We'll be here cheering you on!

    A friend in recovery,

    jka

     
    Old 03-18-2006, 10:56 AM   #34
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Hey T -

    Just wanted to check in and see how your appointment went on Thursday. When we last heard from ya you were 5 days off the Oxys and headed toward the methadone clinic -- did that go okay? If you started the maintenance program let us know how you are feeling and whether or not you feel like it is helping you at work.

    I know you have a million things going on right now so drop us a line when you get a free minute -- even if the news isn't good we still care and we still want to know.

    -Large
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    Old 03-21-2006, 02:52 PM   #35
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Hi Tonnie I am just bumping this up so you can see the message we are all worried and wondering how you made out at the Meth clinic. please let us know how your first visit went and how your feeling and doing . I really hope you made it there and that your doing better than last week.

    Please post when you can even if its not good news and your still using that's okay we are here for support, we just want to know your okay and we like having you around and we miss you when your not here, Don't leave us hanging !!!!!!

    Slippy Slope.

     
    Old 03-21-2006, 04:16 PM   #36
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Hi Tonnie

    I'm right there with Slippery and Large - all worried about you! Let us know what you're up too. We're here for you no matter what path you're headed down right now. Remember you will find your way when you're ready. Sometimes, it just takes awhile. I hope things are going well for you.

    Jan

     
    Old 03-22-2006, 10:09 AM   #37
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Just to give a brief history of my drug abuse, it sounds to me like you are not on heroin ar street drugs.But I do know Oxy withdrawl is horrid.Have you ever heard of suboxone?I was on it for 4 months but it is very expensive and i could not afford it anymore so I went back on methadone I know there are alot of people who are against meth but it keeps me clean and living a normal life.If you don`t know what suboxone is it takes away all withdrawl but at the same time is a opiate agonist so basically if you were to try and get high on any opiate it is not going to work.As a matter of fact this just popped in my head,one day at the Dr. a lady was taking suboxone to get off oxycontin.The pill is expensive but it is known in Detroit as the miracle pill!!!!! Prices may be different in other states but here 30 2mg.pills is 106 dollars. I was on 8mg a day and was told that they had me on to high of a dose.I also am scared of the word Fentanyl, I am a heroin addict amd my dealer was selling me fentanyl and pulling it off as heroin he put me in the hospital 7 times.If I were you I would look into the suboxone. But my advice isn`t worth much. I can`t stay off drugs unless i remain on mrthadone. That is always a option for you to. GOOD LUCK and keep me posted Jenna

     
    Old 03-22-2006, 10:20 AM   #38
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    FENTANYL...........is strong..........it is what nurses and doctors push IV in the operating room when a patient is undergoing the surgery and they are intubated (which means the staff is bagging them and breathing for them).........fentanyl is very strong..........i know its in patch form..which is absorbed in to the skin very slowly...but i am just wanting you all to know..........that is what is pushed in the OR............ask any OR nurse..........
    becareful...............
    God BLEss

     
    Old 03-28-2006, 09:43 AM   #39
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Hey, guys.
    I wanted to thank you so much for your words of encouragement and kindness. What a wealth of information is gathered here!
    I finally signed up with the clinic in Rossville (Georgia.) They gave me 30mg of methadone the first day and they increase the dosage by 5mg every day until they've got a good dose going (or that's how the guy at work said they do it, anyway.) I've been four times and am taking 45mg now (one time was a Saturday, so there was no increase as they're not open on Sundays.) The downside to that is I'm still buying methadone - a 40mg "wafer" - from a dealer at the moment. I know that within a week I will no longer need to buy anything from him, as my dose will be as much at the clinic.
    There are some very neat folks there, at the methadone clinic, to talk to. I wouldn't have thought this possible at a "place like that" but it's true. I've snorted myself out of most friendships and family relations and have nobody to talk to about the important things except the folks at work, and as you can guess their advice leaves a lot to be desired. But the clinicfolk listen to me going on and on (whether they remember it or not I don't know, but they DO sit there long enough to allow me to figure things out on my own, which is all many good psychs do, anyway, it seems.)
    I just, well thank God for the help they are giving me. The worst part of this addiction was first thing in the morning. Upon waking, I would always do a quick mental assessment of my pills: how many do I have, how much money do I have to buy more, if I know a dealer who even has some at the moment.... and if the answer to any of these was "no", I would want to just scream... and often did, if I was alone. The thing is, now I wake up and the panic is replaced by the knowledge that all I have to do is get myself down there and the rest of the day will be okay, as in I won't be sick. That may not sound like much to many, but oh man, it's everything to me. All I did was worry about withdrawals.... about being at work when they began, about being too sick to GET to work, everything.
    I hope the methadone will get me off this terrible oxycontin for good. And then I'll work on the taper from that. I know I need to be away from oxy for a long time before it's out of my system, but this time I think it will be different. This time, I really hate the drug instead of only hating that I couldn't afford it all the time. Oh man, I hope I never see another one. The worst that can happen at this juncture is that I always need a little methadone, and that's a lot better than spending $100 a day to destroy my and my family's life. After awhile, the clinic gives you a few days' dose at a time so you don't go every day, and after a year or so it's once every week or so. I can definitely handle that, although of course I'd like to be pill-free altogether.
    One thing I've learned in this is that the feeling of the hopelessness of drugs is so bad - you know, I used to wonder what made my brother pull that trigger when he had a shotgun pointed at his heart. I mean, to really go and DO it. I thought I knew how he thought; he was my twin, we were the only children and so close. But now, having gone days without oxy and then getting it again makes me realize what HE realized, I guess, that it's just not much of a life on that stuff. I see how the physical withdrawal made his thinking change; it did the same for me. Makes the whole world look sort of grey... so different that it looked when we were kids. Even good things lost their "good" when craving oxy, and I realize he was feeling exactly that when he said, "enough." Thank God I didn't say as much before trying methadone.
    The suboxone is a wonderful thing for those ready for it; when I tried it I wasn't, but thanks to those who recommended it to me. I wasn't ready to give up the high when I had that chance, not like I am now. I had to - I had to get so sick of it, sick of even the taste of it (and I used to LOVE that) just made me sick. Now it does. I used to wear an "OC" shirt (advertising the TV show), thinking it was "cool" ( "The OC" had quite a different meaning to me and those I know.) I can't believe I was so stupid! But I had to really, really be down before I could get up... perhaps it's like that for many, I don't know.
    I may not sound too chipper just yet; this is a big transformation for me and I'm still a little nervous about trusting that one dose (I take what they give me at the clinic then take the extra wafer in the car) to get me through the entire day without withdrawals... anyone else ever worry about that? But it does; not as comfortably as I'd like, but it does, and I'll take it.
    I am truly so grateful for you guys and your help. Man, I was really drowning and needed someone to pull me out. Had to be someone who's been there for me, so thank God for you. It's so hard not to feel like, well not to feel like *****-on-a-shoe, the lowest form of life, when in this spot. And it's the last way one should be feeling; it takes some degree of confidence just to crawl out of this hole. Thank you for giving me that, and thank you for suggesting that I can do this at all; I wasn't at all sure I could. I'm going to make it now; I have a tool to help with the physical part and I know I am ready emotionally for this tremendous change. I don't feel guilty now when I'm with my son; I used to feel terrible, wondering how he'd feel when I'd finally OD'd, or taken my life. Now I think of the future all the time and actually plan to be a part of it. Unbelievable!
    I hope you'll stick by me as I post my progress. Your support, particularly in light of the fact that you've seen me try and fail before, means everything. Nobody ever reminds me that I didn't make it last time, or tells me I can't do this, or ridicules my choice of treatment and that of course is just priceless. I need to know I'm not copping out by using the methadone. I can't see why folks would say people are, as I'm certainly not high, but it's been said and thank God none of you said it to me. I only hope I can be as good a friend to you as you've proven to be to me; what a beautiful group we have here.
    Thank you again, really, for just everything, and know that I'll be posting often about my experiences in this endeavor. God bless every one of us, and have a wonderful day.
    Your Friend,
    Tonnie

    Last edited by togomo; 03-28-2006 at 09:48 AM.

     
    Old 03-28-2006, 10:05 AM   #40
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    WOW Tonnie!!! Thanks for the post today, you really helped me. I can so relate to your post. I am a recovering oxy addict too, and boy oh boy has that addiciton consumed me. It robbed me of my soul and i hate it and hope i never touch it again. But the cravings come and go. Do you crave on methadone? Or does it just take care of the sick part?
    Well keep us all updated on your journey to a better life. I'll bet 2 weeks from now things are really gonna be looking up for you. The depression will lift and it will be like being re-born....
    luv,
    LISA

     
    Old 03-28-2006, 12:59 PM   #41
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    There you are Tonnie I have been looking for you for the past week and was so worried about you. I am glad you finally posted to us as I was thinking something bad might have happened to you.

    I am so proud of you for making the step to actually go to the Clinic, that is wonderful you found the courage to make that huge step your brave. BUT I am worried your still going to the dealers house every day to buy your wafer of 40 mgs. the whole purpose was to get you away from that guy to close that chapter of your life for good. in a way I feel like your cheating the methadone clinic and not being honest with them and not being honest to yourself. What are you going to do if they drug test you and find you have an extra 40 milligrams inside of you? I am just afraid you will be terminated and than you will be back to square one. At least you are off the oxy's and that is a GREAT Thing, I am just nervous that you are still going there and dealing with him.. its to tempting to buy an extra oxy or a few extra wafers if you have a good " tip" day and a pocket full of money is going to eat a hole in your jeans. Than what will you do? If you were totally honest with them about your oxy use/dose than how come they started you sooo slow can't you talk to them about this?? I am just scared that once they get you on the correct dose you will still want that extra 40 mg wafer to get high off of. But maybe that wopn't happen, anyhow I think your doing the right thing by going to the meth clinic every day i am glad you have made some friends there and are feeling good about the people that is a good thing for you .. Do you think you can stop getting the extra pill that's not prescribed to you soon? do you think you will have the strength for that? I would hate to see you get kicked out of the program as this is your last hope, unless you can find another sub Dr to treat you as I know he terminated you as a patient to. I was just hoping you were going to be totally ligitimate and honest with yourself. I know that in the past you said the 40 mgs a day you were buying from the dealer was taking away all of your W/D'S and you felt pretty good on that so when I hear now your taking it from the dealer and the clinic I have to wonder if your not still trying to get high and still abusing ...
    anyhow I don't mean to sound preach but i have followed your story for a LONG time and I would just love for you to beat this addiction. keep us posted.

     
    Old 03-29-2006, 01:15 PM   #42
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Heya.

    I can tell you it's certainly good to have days off (this is my second straight) and not spend it scared to death of running out of drugs. Two days off always meant two days with no money (tips) coming in, which meant telling the manager to call me if any of the stores needed me, then waiting by the phone hoping for work, which meant money, which meant oxy. I don't understand why, if oxy gave us so much energy, my bedroom looks the way it does after having been on them for years. Maybe they did give us energy at the beginning, I don't remember. And one of the terrible withdrawal symptoms is the absolute lack of it (energy) I know, but wow. My daughters are good about cleaning the house lately (the twins, 16, are beginning to have guys come over to watch movies, etc. and they really do their part to keep it nice.) I have this ridiculously huge bedroom and bathroom at the end of the house (my husband moved into his own bedroom a few months after Steven died) and me and my 8-year-old son, Andrew, romp in it like there's no tomorrow. I'm looking at a Parcheesi board, a backgammon cup, and a Gameboy, and that's just on my bed. I could probably spend a day just washing clothes - incredible. I've actually got some clothes washing, which is way new for me... I washed my uniform and two towels every night and that's about it, for so long. I don't think the methadone give you energy; I've read a lot about it and nobody's ever claimed that, but perhaps the oxy getting out of my system is producing some.
    You know, you're right; I went through days when all that sustained me was a 40mg methadone wafer. In my mind, I'm knowing they're going to get me up to a lot more than I'm taking now, the guy at work is up to 110mgs which seems awfully dosey to me. Knowing I'll be up to 70 by Monday at the clinic scares me that the 35-40 won't be enough, and I take the extra 40. By next week, I won't have to buy any more, which will be very odd to me. Not to go to that neighborhood will be strange to me; god I've made that drive every day for years. (This is the part where I have to block out the money I've spent doing that... I would just die if I saw it all laid out, I know.)
    I hope I don't seem insincere in this effort, because I believe this will be the last effort, I think this is going to work. I have a plan, all typed out, of the changes I'm going to make and if I make only a third of them I'll be way on top of the game. I can do so much better once drugs are behind me... I almost can't wait to get that life going.
    One thing I have trouble with is why I thought it was okay to spend like $100 a day (more or less, depending on how much I had) on dope. When I got my taxes back, my half of them were like $1200, and I bought 16 80's right off, spending $800 right off the top. That is amazing. And they didn't even last a week. Why I thought this was okay is what's bothering me so much now. I'm not some dumb kid; I'm 41 last October. I think I used to think of that money as "medical expenses" and reason that "lots of people spend most of their money on medication... just look at the plight of senior citizens"... my god, that made perfect sense to me. You know, when my days do not begin with a trip to the dope dealer's, I'm looking forward to getting some psychological help. Before my brother died, I was taking 120mg of Prozac a day and three one mg Xanax tablets a day for manic depression and a bipolar diagnosis made like 14 years before. I'd been under the doctor's care for over a dozen years for depression and I'm wondering if getting of the prozac didn't cause me to self-medicate in a terrible way. Maybe not, I don't know. I couldn't see the psychiatrist or psychologist while I was doing all that oxy... my mood depended seemingly solely on how much medication I'd had (the more, the better the mood) and I didn't see how therapy was going to change that. Seemed like a big lie, even asking for help. But we've got good insurance, and that's a part of the plan. (lol I have a master plan all typed out that I keep adding to and changing...)
    Well, that's where I am, it's very nice out today (Chattanooga) but I've only been out the once. Does anyone else notice how hard it is just to get up and do something as simple as go outside? What do you do when you're feeling that way? I know there's something I should do, a way of thinking I should adopt, to get off my *** and do something already, it's so hard, though. Wondering how y'all remedied that.
    Thank you again for your words of support; I've read them again and again and it always renews my spirit, at least most of them. Thanks again, you guys are just amazing.
    Your Friend,
    Tonnie

     
    Old 03-30-2006, 05:12 PM   #43
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    HI Tonnie my friend

    Glad you're doing much better. So much of what you said in your last e-mail rang true with me. When you started berating yourself for the irrational thoughts you had about spending money, etc. while your were using, that sure brought back a lot of memories. I could talk myself into many irrational acts when I was using. Remember addiction doesn't exactly promote rational thoughts and don't be too hard on yourself. Your behavior will change naturally as you move through your recovery. As far as your comments about self-medicating after you went off Prozac years ago, of course that's what you were doing. Its likely what almost all addicts do - almost all addicts suffer from depression and then we self-medicate and the trouble begins. Why did you go off the Prozac? I think you need to get back under a doctor's care and think about trying anti-depressants again. I'm struggling with the same thing. I went off of anti-depressants last summer a couple of months before I withdrew from hydro. Then I suffered from big time depression between September and December, finally went back on anti-depressants in December. I told myself I was just going to take them to get through the winter, now I've just weaned off again and I'm beginning to think it was a bad idea. Trouble for me is when I'm on anti-depressants, I get so hungry, then I start gaining weight, then that makes me depressed and its just a vicious cycle. I do think while you're in the early stages of recovery it would be a good idea to at least think about getting on some type of anti-depressant. I've tried Celexa, Effexor and Zoloft and I think Celexa probably worked the best for me. Everyone's different though.

    I guess I'm rambling now. I was so glad to see your posts. How's your marriage? Any hope of resolving that? Take care and keep us posted on how you're doing.

    Jan

     
    Old 03-30-2006, 09:23 PM   #44
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    Dear Jan,
    Thanks so much for writing; what a tremendous comfort it is for someone to have or have had the same (irrational) thoughts as I; this disease has a way of making folks think they're the only ones in the world to have it, it seems.
    I wish I could tell my husband about the clinic, about how I'm doing. Most of all I wish he knew how determined I am this time to get off the oxy. Before, I only got off when I couldn't afford to get more, not exactly a heroic effort. But this time I just, I hate that drug, the oxy. I used to love the way they tasted going down my throat (I snorted them)... now it makes me sick to think of it. I used to somehow think I had an edge on everyone else (god how stupid THAT was!) Like, I thought I was the only one who knew how to have a good time. I'd go to a party, like with the relatives, and everyone would be having a good time, but I figured I was having a much BETTER time than they, because I could dart into the bathroom and snort a little cheer when necessary. Oh man, what a loser! It's, the money thing, it's something I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for. We aren't poor, but we aren't the Kennedy's, either... those many thousands of dollars could've put any one of the kids through college for... well, I don't even want to think about it. But I do, I obsess about it quite often. But I know that all I can do is not to do it again, and I need to direct the energy I'm using to be so angry at myself into something constructive, like let it be part of the armour that's helping me get off the oxy.
    I think my mindset is such that I will be successful this time. Some folks may think a methadone clinic isn't exactly where a successful person spends their mornings, but I need to remind myself not to worry about what others would think. My husband would say that; he'd tell me that the "lowest of the low" go to a place like that, it sounds just like him. But then, it was letting others think for me that that got me into this in the first place; relieving pain with their quick-fix pills. . . and I see where THAT got me! This is indeed a lonesome mission but for this board, and what a difference it makes to have you here, in my corner. It's like another family; a forgiving and encouraging one that you really come to care about. Very cool.
    You know, some folks might think little of my accomplishment, as I've been buying an extra methadose (40mg) to use with what the clinic started me on. By Monday, that will no longer be the case as I'll be up to 70mg there. But see, the victory is in the fact that I don't chase the high any longer. That's all this is all about, when you really look at it. Being stronger than the want of a high is what will bring success, that's what I think it all comes down to. When on suboxone, I failed because I wasn't willing to not be high most of the time. Methadone just doesn't get you high, that's the whole thing. The first time I took it, it was such a tremendous relief to be quite suddenly rid of the withdrawal symptoms, that I kind of thought I WAS feeling high. But it hasn't felt that way since then; every now and then I'll feel kind of a little wave of something-like-sleepy-but-more-pleasant, but then it's gone quicker than I can identify it. That could be the methadone, but it's nothing compared to oxy... for those of you who smoke, it's less a buzz than you get when you've gone like a day without a cigarette then light up, you know that little buzz? Well, methadone's a lot less than that; not worth mentioning. Maybe it would be a mind-blower for some people, but after what I'm used to taking opiate-wise, this is a tremendous step into the world of straight for me. It doesn't get me even a little high; they told me it wasn't supposed to and it doesn't. It helps the physical part, but in my opinion it's the psychological part that's the toughest, and that's where I'm making real progress. I'm prepared to take the steps to no longer need to self-medicate (counseling, possibly anti-depressants, etc.) Oh, Jan I stopped seeing my psychiatrist who prescribed the prozac the day after my brother took his life. This is what happened:
    The morning after Steven shot himself, I was, I just lost it completely. My husband took me to see Dr. G, my psychiatrist of over 12 years (maybe hoping he'd tranq me up... I don't know.) Anyway, Dr. G says something like "There's one less problem you have"... it was incredible. I thought I'd misheard him and I just looked at him incredulously and said, "WHAT?" He said that all the problems I'd had with Steven were now over, that I wouldn't have to "worry" about him anymore, that kind of thing. I was shocked and I remember I stopped crying for like the first time since I'd heard the news. I swear I thought I'd heard him wrong. I said finally, "How can you say that?" And he told me not to "forget" all the problems Steven had given me there at the end (I guess I complained often; I hate myself for it but I know I did.) He said something like that when someone passes, we tend to only remember the good and forget the grief they may've caused us. (This may be true, but it is, I think, as it should be. Did he expect me to try to remember the BAD things he'd done in his life? Preposterous!) I've never been one to "speak up" about my feelings (particularly to professionals; they intimidate me for some reason and I'm definitely not a blunt person. But when I found my voice I told him to go to hell, and I think I was justified in doing so. I got to the waiting room and my husband was like, "You're through already?" And when I told him what Dr. G had said, he didn't believe me; he poked his head in the doctor's office told him I'd said he said "good riddance". He said he hadn't put it in those words, but essentially he'd said as much. I remember him telling the receptionist to have all my records ready, that we wouldn't be back, thanking her for nothing. Anyway, that's what ended my psychiatric care, thus my prozac.
    I believe that stopping the 120mg daily of prozac the day after Steven hurt himself was what made me so vulnerable to self-medicating. I found I could control my emotions like a switch; an oxy snorted for energy and well-being, a xanax for relaxing, an occasional joint for naseau, etc. When I search myself to find what in hell happened to my life, it all seems to stem from that terrible time. Please don't think I'm using what Steven did as an excuse to use; my husband said that once and it was unforgivable, I felt. It's just that that's when this all started for me. I'd had hydrocodone and cough syrup, pot, etc.... milder drugs that I'd done to boost a good time, but I was never addicted or anything; couldn't imagine taking them every day. After Steven hurt himself that definitely changed. I thought it would be temporary ("I'll just use to get through the funeral", then "I'll just use during this terrible grieving period", etc.) Armed with the attitude of "whatever gets you through the night is all right", I went sailing high and now I'm crashing hard. (Wow, my future shrink certainly has his work cut out for him doesn't he?)
    I've written out this plan for myself, and high on the list is working on my marriage, and what hard work that will be. It's hard not to wish he was there to cheer me on; to celebrate another day without the oxy. But I got myself into this alone and must climb out alone, I suppose. I just, I don't want to awaken one day to find that the kids are grown and I missed it because I was too busy chasing pills (I had a nightmare similar to that once and it scared the bejesus outta me.) I don't want to regret these years of accomplishing nothing; I mean, I'll always regret them, but they can stop. They can stop right now. And that's all I can do; I cannot get back yesterday, so it'll do no good to cry for it. But I can make tomorrow a day I will not regret, and all I have to do for that is to get through it without putting oxycontin up my nose. (Wow, doesn't that make it sound so simple?) My daughters (16,16, & 15) think that "Mom just lost it when Uncle Steven died", they don't realize that when I lost him I found oxycontin. I'd say I was addicted in better than two weeks, something I really didn't realize was even possible. I just, I just want to be there for them again; I was such a great mom before oxy! I'll see videos of us as a family (we used to take so many vacations) and I barely recognize that cheerful, upbeat little mom who seemed to have the world by the tail. We were so - like, just so loving - it was so apparent the happiness we all felt and I cannot tell you how horrible it feels to realize that it's just me, not my husband and not the girls, who changed so terribly. You know, this getting clean also makes you think (a lot more than I care to, to be honest) about how far you've let this thing take you. I don't know why I didn't see it before; perhaps I wouldn't allow myself to. I love my family so much, love the way we were, the way we used to have it together. I'm going to take the years we have left and make the best of them and try so hard not to look back at these dark days. Oh man, I have to do it this time. If I don't, I'll just - well, I have to. I just, I just do.
    Hey, just, I just want to thank you again for writing. For someone to stop what they're doing long enough to write a letter like that, just to wish me well and lend some much-needed support, well that's a wonderful thing. Add the fact that you don't even know me and can expect nothing in return, and it becomes an amazing thing, truly. Please accept my thanks and know that it was so good to get home from work and find a reply, it meant everything.
    I'll continue to post, if you want, and tell you what's going on... thank you so much, so very much, for caring.
    Your Friend,
    Tonnie

    Last edited by togomo; 03-30-2006 at 09:57 PM.

     
    Old 03-30-2006, 10:11 PM   #45
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    Re: Fentanyl Patch for Withdrawal?

    [QUOTE=slipperyslope]
    If you were totally honest with them about your oxy use/dose than how come they started you sooo slow can't you talk to them about this??


    Dear SS,
    I assure you, I was completely honest in telling them just how much oxy I used daily. The last thing I would've done would've been to lie and tell them I took less than I did, lest they underestimate my problem and not give me enough methadone. That wouldn't even make sense. Everyone starts at 30mg and is dosed up 5mg daily to monitor tolerance. --tonnie

     
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