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Old 04-18-2006, 03:05 PM   #1
Constant
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For JKhopeful...

jkhopeful
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok constant - let's start with what was your DOC? How long did you use? Did the 12 step program help you? What made you strong? Was it your faith in God? I don't have that strong faith and I envy those who do. I just don't know how to get there.

Thanks for sharing.

Jan

________________--


My original drug or choice was alcohol. I started sneaking drinks about the age of 14. My sister and I would get into the vodka bottle, get buzzed and then make sure we filled it back up to where it was with water so we wouldn't get caught.

As time went on and I became involved in highschool "extracirricular" activities my drinking increased, mostly confined to weekends and weed was then added. Eventually within a couple of years I had experimented with cocaine.

When I turned 18 I was signed on with a a major New York modeling agency and that is where my addictions reared themselves full force. By this time I was drinking all the time, using coke all the time and helping myself stay on somewhat of a balanced level by also taking 'ludes. I was also snorting heroin and MDA. This went on throughout my modeling career which was quite successful, surprisingly enough.

After I retired from modeling I had a child and although I remained completely clean during the pregnancy when this child was about six months old I started drinking again, except this time, I had a plan . I would only drink at night, between the hours of 7 and 11, except on weekends at which time he would be with his dad for his weekend visits.

When my son was about a year old, we were in a head on collision and I suffered fairly significant injuries requiring pain killers. I also suffered from anxiety from the accident which required benzos. So there you go, I was off and running. I became extremely adept at mixing just the right amount of everything to keep my buzz at an oh so nice level (I actually believed that).

My drinking remained a secret to everyone as did my pill use. I only drank at home alone and if someone saw me take a pill they thought it was an ibuprofen or some such thing.

In 1994 I finally bottomed...splat! My best friends, alcohol, pain pills and benzos turned into satan and I was an empty shell.

more later...

Last edited by Constant; 04-18-2006 at 03:06 PM.

 
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Old 04-18-2006, 03:14 PM   #2
jkhopeful
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Re: For JKhopeful...

Thanks for sharing. I always wonder how many models I see , who are extremely thin , are taking drugs to stay that way. Some are probably just naturally thin especially in their younger years, but I would guess drug use is somewhat prevalent among models and actresses where it is so important to their careers to keep in shape.

Its funny when we read our stories, how insane it sounds, but at the time, we really didn't get it! I'll look forward to hearing more when you have time. What are you doing now that you resigned from modeling? Full time mom? I work for a large financial corporation in Minneapolis and have a pretty high profile position. No one here would ever have guessed my addiction to opiates. Alcohol has never been a problem with me although I know I should stay away from it because of my addiction to pills. I still have a cocktail occasionally and it seems to be okay for me, but I know all the treatment programs would tell me I'm playing with fire. Maybe I have to do this gradually.

Good to hear from you. Sounds like you have a lot of experience with this addiction thing and thanks so much for sharing that experience with us!

Take care

jka

Last edited by jkhopeful; 04-18-2006 at 03:16 PM.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 09:01 PM   #3
Constant
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Re: For JKhopeful...

Part 2

My bottom came when my son left to go spend the summer with his father out of state. By this time, I had been going through dt's but didn't even realize it. As I told you in the first part, I only drank from 7 until 11 at night but soon during the day I would get the shakes really bad, my doctor said it was anxiety and so he prescribed xanax (which by this time I had been off of for some time) and so it was drink at night, xanax during the day. My last day of drinking was...are you ready for this...July 4. Yup had to get in one more July Fourth and believe me I went out with a bang. I was in detox the very next day. Okay, wait, let me back up here. Two weeks before that I had admitted myself to detox but told it was for anxiety. When I was admitted I had no discernable alcohol in my system, just the prescribed xanax and I was such a good liar (us addicts generally are) I had them convinced I was fine. They kept me the allowable 72 hours and cut me loose...just in time for the July Fourth bash.

July 5th I came crawling back into this very expensive drug rehab place ready to quit. My sister literally dumped me at the door with a bag of clothes she just threw together she was that pizzed off at me. BAM! Two weeks in patient and two weeks out patient then straight to AA.

Approximately one year later I had emergency open chest surgery and was near death. I tried my hardest to tell them, no drugs, no pain killers, no morphine but I was going in and out of conciousness and quite frankly at that point I don't believe they would have followed my line of thinking. Once surgery was done they did switch me from morphine IV to an epidural where I got the pain relief but not the kick. When I was sent home from the hospital I was sent home with only fifteen vicodin because I WAS GOING TO FACE THIS PAIN . Within short order I was on, I believe four to eight vicodin a day, per doctors order and soon the xanax snuck back in. What didn't sneak back in THANK YOU LORD, was alcohol.


Part 3 coming soon.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-19-2006 at 10:44 PM.

 
Old 04-20-2006, 07:48 AM   #4
bridgetmark
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Re: For JKhopeful...

Constant,
I try to read every post you send because of how much they help me. I just had to tell you thank you. Reading your honest replies to people didn't let me give myself any excuses and has helped me regain control of my life. They have shown me I have the strength within me to do whatever I want or need to do. And they have also made me not lie to myself or anyone else anymore. My husband and doctor and nurse finally know everything that is going on, and life is improving daily. Your story is really quite scary, sorry, I hope that doesn't offend you, but it just serves to show me how I have to stay on top of things. Thank you again for all the help you've given me and everyone else on this board.
Bridget

 
Old 04-20-2006, 08:16 AM   #5
Constant
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Re: For JKhopeful...

Quote:
Originally Posted by bridgetmark
Constant,
I try to read every post you send because of how much they help me. I just had to tell you thank you. Reading your honest replies to people didn't let me give myself any excuses and has helped me regain control of my life. They have shown me I have the strength within me to do whatever I want or need to do. And they have also made me not lie to myself or anyone else anymore. My husband and doctor and nurse finally know everything that is going on, and life is improving daily. Your story is really quite scary, sorry, I hope that doesn't offend you, but it just serves to show me how I have to stay on top of things. Thank you again for all the help you've given me and everyone else on this board.
Bridget
Bridget,

Thank you and you are right, it is very, very scary and I can think of no way humanely possible that I am still alive. By all rights, there are several times, many, many times I should have died.

Please remember my story doesn't even include the specifics of the horrors of my life in addiction. By that I mean, places I ended up, people I ended up with, things I did. There are so many horrible situations I put myself in, when using I still sometimes shudder and bow my head in shame.

I will try and get to the next part sometime today, late tonight or in the wee hours of tomorrow morning.

 
Old 04-21-2006, 03:16 PM   #6
jkhopeful
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Re: For JKhopeful...

Thanks, Constant. I'm reading your story with a lot of interest. These stories always amaze me - our bodies are pretty resilient to a certain extent, but eventually, they scream at us to STOP abusing them!

I'm still so sad - I essentially quit opiates in September of last year, but I just can't find anything to cling to that makes me happy. I don't know what to do next! I keep plugging away.

Jan

 
Old 04-21-2006, 03:33 PM   #7
Constant
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Re: For JKhopeful...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkhopeful
Thanks, Constant. I'm reading your story with a lot of interest. These stories always amaze me - our bodies are pretty resilient to a certain extent, but eventually, they scream at us to STOP abusing them!

I'm still so sad - I essentially quit opiates in September of last year, but I just can't find anything to cling to that makes me happy. I don't know what to do next! I keep plugging away.

Jan
Cling to that makes you happy? Explain to me what that means for you. That is a very, very common feeling expressed among recently clean and sober. The thing is, it means many things to many different people. I certainlly went through it, I kept complaining, I'm so bored, nothing makes me happy. One day (well I had to be reminded of this on several occassions), my sponsor sat me down and asked me to define happiness, sadness and bordeom as it applied to my life. When I got done she said Susan, much of what I am hearing is not, that you are NOT experiencing happiiness, and some of what I am hearing is that you ARE experience a bit of boredom but most of what I am hearing is that you are mistaking serenity as lack of happiness and boredom. She said, you don't sound bored or unhappy, you sound like you are experiencing serenity and serenity can sometimes be very, very unformortable in the beginning.

We, when we use, are always use to having some sort of altered state, either a rush or that "peaceful easy feeling". When we stop using the ups and downs level off to something a lot of us mistake for boredom, but in reality it is serenity and serenity can be very hard to Identify in the first year or so.

Don't push your life as if you're in a race, it's only been 6 or 7 months and believe it or not your body is still readjusting itself.

I don't expect you to be all , in fact suffice it to say if you were like that I would be a bit like . If you in your mind, what you are feeling is boardering on depression then seek a doctor who may put you on a low dose anti-depressant to help stimulate recovery of certain chemicals.

Last edited by Constant; 04-21-2006 at 03:35 PM.

 
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