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    Old 07-08-2006, 06:09 PM   #16
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Thanks Jen,
    I am trying. Everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. Im just trying not to beat myself up yah know "i was sooo stupid... "
    I should of never let him in... blah blah.
    But I'm ok. I actually went out today. The past couple of weekends I've been hibernating.
    Your words are so true. I know I deserve better. I am ready to let go. A part of me will always love him.
    I did everything I could. I still get scared though, that something bad is happening to him, and I get all flustered and my heart starts pounding...

    Last edited by Margine8; 07-09-2006 at 09:04 AM.

     
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    Old 07-09-2006, 10:08 AM   #17
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Margine8
    Thanks Jen,
    I am trying. Everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. Im just trying not to beat myself up yah know "i was sooo stupid... "
    I should of never let him in... blah blah.
    But I'm ok. I actually went out today. The past couple of weekends I've been hibernating.
    Your words are so true. I know I deserve better. I am ready to let go. A part of me will always love him.
    I did everything I could. I still get scared though, that something bad is happening to him, and I get all flustered and my heart starts pounding...
    of course it is pounding hon, just because you let someone go out of your life, doesnt mean you stop loving them . you cant stop your feelings with a push of a button hon. you need time to grieve, the loss of a relationship, someone you love, trusted, needed, cherished, and the loss of a friend. you are also grieving for his way of life and for what he is doing to himself. no one expects you to feel nothing for him. treat yourself kindly hon, know thatyou are grieving and that it will take as long as you need to grieve. no one has a date set for your stopping and no one can tell you how long or when it will stop. we also know you are scared, of the everyday thoughts, the every hour thoughts, the future, his future and if whether you can do it or not. what we can tell you is that with time, lots of time, it will get easier eventually.
    Blaming yourself will not do any good, why? because youre human and every human being has made mistakes in one way or another, either by loving too much, or not loving at all. we're human hon. guilt will bring you down and stop you from living again. so , no blame. we all feel guilty of something. the only mistake you made was loving and trusting someone who didnt respect you or your love.
    Live life hon, and that is soooo very brave and good of you to have gone out today. that is one major breakthru. take it in steps hon. give yourself a huge hug, for going out. know that you will go back and forth on your feelings, that is part of it too. but as long as you dont stay back there , remember youre going forward. take care of yourself, you deserve it hon. so proud of you for going out.
    Jen

     
    Old 07-09-2006, 10:23 AM   #18
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Marg-
    Just put everything that Jen said in quotations, and insert it into this post. I totally agree with everything she said. Nothing I can say at this point would improve her advice and kind words.

    You just need to know that you aren't alone, and that you have made the right choice. Unfortunately, we sometimes have to make choices that aren't easy and sometimes those choices cause us a great deal of emotional pain, but, in time it does get easier. It will get better, and eventually, you will be glad you have made this choice.

    It's not easy to let go of something you love and hold so dear to your heart, but at this point, you have to put yourself first because he isn't capable of doing it.

    Big Hugs Sweetie

    Lezlee

     
    Old 07-09-2006, 11:37 AM   #19
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Another letter for you, that I can't send.

    I am getting ready to watch the race. Our little tradition. Weekends are the hardest.
    I am done beating myself up. I am not kicking mysef anymore for caring about you. Instead of focusing on the craziness I just realized you know what I love you. So what. I love you and it didn't work, and you didn't want it but it doesn't matter. My feelings were real. And although I hate them now. I did find happiness, you know how we used to talk about how happiness was fleeting. Well I found it for a minute. Little moments.
    Thank you for teaching me so many things. I know I know I am an awful cook. I was trying to learn for you.
    Thank you for sharing your family with me, and sharing your love, or what seemed to be love.
    Thank you for cooking for me and making me safe and like "this is it" that was complete happiness.
    Thanks for hooking the bait on those little fishies when we went fishing. I thought they were so gross.
    Thanks for the little things that I thought were so important.
    Even though the dream of being with you in Montana is gone, I will always live there in my heart. In a little house that we both fixed up together, growing more in love, learning from each other.
    Thank you for letting me love you. I never knew that before, and I learned that it's possible to care about someone more than yourself and wish them happiness, no matter what they do, good or bad.
    I believed in you soooo much. I believed you were a strong person. A person who has suffered and gone through things in life, and became someone loving and caring. I saw how you loved your mom and how much she meant to you and I thought, how she must be proud of you that you work so hard. I was proud of you too. I thought you were a person of conviction.
    Even though those things would happen and you would disappear, I blindly believed you. Love does make you blind.
    Im so happy that I had those moments with you. That I got to lay around and do nothing with you but just love each other.
    Im sorry this has to take over your life. I sit here and I think, if I could take the addiction from you and make it my problem I would, just so you wouldn't have to go through that pain, those demons...I would rather have me fight it than you. Im so sorry. Even if we never speak again, I want the best for you. I want you to go to chef school and have a family, find love, have kids. I know you would be such an awesome dad.
    I would be so happy and proud of you. Just knowing you are happy.

     
    Old 07-09-2006, 02:04 PM   #20
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    What's the final word?

     
    Old 07-09-2006, 06:23 PM   #21
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Im so ashamed of myself.
    I replied to his stupid two sentence response.
    I gave him a piece of my mind.
    Just basically that I dont trust him or want him in my life.
    And that I hope that letter meant something.
    Then I said something I so regret. I said he was dead to me now.
    God that's awful.
    In a way it's true I have to forget and erase him, but that was so harsh and horrible of me.
    It was just the anger and hurt.
    I feel really bad about that.

     
    Old 07-10-2006, 07:10 AM   #22
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Margine8
    Im so ashamed of myself.
    I replied to his stupid two sentence response.
    I gave him a piece of my mind.
    Just basically that I dont trust him or want him in my life.
    And that I hope that letter meant something.
    Then I said something I so regret. I said he was dead to me now.
    God that's awful.
    In a way it's true I have to forget and erase him, but that was so harsh and horrible of me.
    It was just the anger and hurt.
    I feel really bad about that.
    you are hurt hon, and want to lash out at him and tell him off, tell him how you feel, that is understandable, but now that youve told him off and how you feel, dont answer his email anymore. That will let him know he is no longer in your life. if you start replying to his email from now on, youre just getting into the same problem, the cycle starts over. its a way of keeping the door open with the possibility of him returning back to you. a way of still hanging on to him. he has so many issues hon, you dont need that in your life right now after the way he has treated you. now that youve said your peace, let it be that way, let it stay that way, with him out of your life. people say mean things when they are hurt, its the only way of hurting him back for what he has done to you, its a weapon, but now close the door and let it be.

     
    Old 07-10-2006, 08:44 PM   #23
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Hi sweetie,

    I feel your pain, as usual, and Jen is right. Let go and let god. You have done what you need to do to protect yourself. The idea that you would take the addiction from him and deal with it yourself? Think of it like this, as bad as his addiction is for him, this relationship is for you. Do to this relationship what you would do to his addiction. Beat it. There will be good days and bad, but you can get through them. You are strong and beautiful, and deserve to live a life with a person who knows how to give, not only to take.

    Had to check in with you. I am off to bed now, another day from hell tomorrow, but I thank God every day for the gifts in my life, and staying busy helps keep me out of trouble. How is school going?
    __________________
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    Old 07-10-2006, 09:17 PM   #24
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Hey Mischief,
    Im feeling a lot better. There's down days like you said but im keeping busy. School is going great. Really good to focus on. It keeps my focus off pain and anger. Im getting back to my old self again.
    I know it's stupid. I just feel sometimes that I would be able to handle is better than he would. Silly ideas. I just realized Im really naive about relationships and all that stuff in general. I just need to focus on myself for a while.
    It was hard and it's over now. You're right, he was really bad for me.
    I can't play that game he plays, im not cut out for it. Im out. I just felt really bad telling someone they are dead to me. I cant do that it's really harsh. But i think its been harder since i dont have any friends around. they all have their own lives, are too wrapped up in their boyfriends and dont really care. whatever. in a way its a better lesson to just get over this on my own and with you guys. its making me stronger.
    i really feel good though. like woah. this guy doesnt realize what he's missing. i wish him the best and if he ever needs a friend, and gets clean, i would be there for him in a very casual manner, just friends, nothing more. i dont think i can completely turn my back on him. but its time to think of me and its enough now. it really is. thank you so much guys.
    mischief, dont kill yourself working all those hours girl!!!
    have a good day tomorrow, thank you for being there for me.
    Jenetti thanks for your advice and kind words. Im very lucky to have you guys encouraging me!
    Its good to find out people do care. That not everyone is dead inside.

     
    Old 07-13-2006, 09:03 PM   #25
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    i hate coke.
    i hate it i hate it i hate it.
    it makes people animals!!!!!!!!!

    Last edited by Margine8; 07-23-2006 at 10:50 AM.

     
    Old 07-13-2006, 09:08 PM   #26
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Im sorry guys,
    I can't do it. I can't just walk around and turn everything off. I can't do it. Just pretend it didn't happen or like whatever and go party.
    I can't even go out.
    This winter I started getting like really bad anxiety, after he did that, stopped speaking to me the first time. It was horrible. And they came back again when this happened a month ago. It's like some weird abandonment anxiety crap.
    It's a horrible feeling like my heart pounds really hard, my arms feel like they are gonig numb, I can't catch my breath, I feel like I'm getting a heart attack...
    I feel like sooooo weak like I let him affect me like this!
    Anyone have any advice??

     
    Old 07-14-2006, 02:32 PM   #27
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    I read your heartfelt letter and I feel the circumstances won't turn in your favor hon. You deserve much better than the life you are going to live if you stay with this person. I have been in your shoes, and let me tell you, a letter did as much good as pouring salt on an opened wound.

    Long story short, it is a dead end street. Next time you think about writing a letter, write a love letter to yourself about how you refuse to be in that situation.

     
    Old 07-14-2006, 03:35 PM   #28
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Marg-
    Sweetie- No one expects you to just turn off your feelings and pretend it never happened. It did happen and it still is happening. It's impossible to just turn off your feelings and your heart just like that, in the blink of an eye. You are only human, and you truly love this guy. But sweetie, he doesn't love you back because he just isn't capable. He is consumed with this addiction and it seems like he is making that point very clear to you with his actions. If he did love you and did want to get clean, he would do it. He would either be by your side leaning on you for support, or he would be in some kind of recovery program.

    You are torn up inside from all of this, and there is only one way to make it better if he isn't going to get serious help. The only way to make it better is to make a clean break. As we have all said before, it's not going to be easy for you, and you are going to hurt, but again, that is part of the healing process. With time, you will start to feel better and those panicky, anxiety attacks will get better.

    As far as feeling guilty for saying that he's dead to you, there's no reason for you to feel bad for saying that, because in a way, it sounds like he is dead to you. He's not the same person you knew before, he's become an addict, so truly, the person you knew is for all intents and purposes, "dead" to you.

    I truly wish this guy wanted to get help and get clean, but right now, his choice is to conitnue using and abusing cocaine, and no amount of pleading that you do, no amount of anger you give him, no amount of hurt he is causing you is going to make him stop. It just seems that he doesn't want to.

    You deserve better. Like Betty said, you should write yourself a love letter. You do need to love yourself. You need to focus on your own healing right now otherwise you aren't going to be able to get over him. You are worthy of so much more than what he has given you.

    I'm so sorry this is such a terrible situation. It's awful to give your heart to someone who belongs to an addiction. I just wish we had a magic wand that we could wave and make this better for you.

    Please take care, and know that tomorrow is a new day and a new chance for you to take care of you.

    Lezlee

     
    Old 07-14-2006, 07:37 PM   #29
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Leslie and Bette are absolutely right. The best thing you can do is love yourself as much as you can. I know you are feeling hurt, and that is completely natural. But feel it, get through it, and get to the other side of it. There is another side and once you are there, you will never feel that hurt again. You can get through this. You are feeling this way because it is the weekend, but curl up with a girlie movie he'd never watch with you and have yourself a good cry. When you wake up tomorrow, you'll feel better.

    Keep posting, you are not alone, and we care.
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    Old 07-16-2006, 06:43 PM   #30
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Hey guys,
    Thanks for all the support. Im just mad at myself that Im getting these panic attacks. Why is this affecting me that much! It pisses me off I want it to go away.
    Anyone know what I can do to make them go away??

     
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