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    Old 07-17-2006, 07:18 PM   #31
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Anyone had these panic attacks before? What do I do to make them stop?????????????????

     
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    Old 07-17-2006, 07:48 PM   #32
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Margine8,

    I have had many panic attacks, and only after I started the hydro and then started to try to stop. I didn't know it was the cause at the time, but I am sure it is now. Since I didn't know, I had gone to my doctor, forced my way in one morning, and said I didn't feel well. I usually have great BP, but that day it way sky-high. My heart rate was well over 160 (that's as high as they can count in the office, but closer to 180), so my doctor said she had to call the paramedics to take me to the hospital. They thought I was having an SVT (supraventricular tachycardia), where your heart gets stuck just letting the blood go through (it's not pumping), but it's not doing it's job and can happen for a number of reasons. Look up SVT on the net. Once they ruled out heart problems, I was dx's with a sever panic attack. They put me on Metoprolol for the BP and heart rate, and clonopin for anxiety (I was already taking Buspar for anxiety for 2 years). I eventually ended up on anitdepressants, but am off of those now.

    The moral of the story, get to your doc and tell her you are having panic attack symptoms. Be honest, so the drugs she/he gives you doesn't combine poorly with you DOC. I was on hydros and they told me to stop (but never offered any help), but the drugsthey gave me took the panic attacks away and I felt like a new person in 2 days. Euphoric almost, which was a bit scary. The rest was up to me. I am still struggling with a small amount of hydros, and am tapering but still haven't gone off all the way just yet. I am out soon and can't get any more, so this is the big realization. But, most importantly, the stress that was causing all of this is going away. It was my divorce and selling my house, and time has passed and I can do this now. Just don't be embarrased..get to you doc tomorrow, get something fast, and be HONEST. If they are jerks about it, so OK fine, but say if you don't help say I am going to have a heart attack or at least a tachycardia, and I'll get help for the other problems I have right away. Then get a referral to a therapist who can set you up if need be with a program. You need to stop the panic attacks immediately, and the doctors cannot send you away with them.

    Keep in touch. Trust me. I was so embarrased, but sitting in that DR's office waiting for the paramedics, and the ride to the hospital, I though what the F have I done? I thought I was biting the big one. But I was Ok in just 2 days from the attacks and ready for therapy and help. The worst is over, now it's just a bit mental and I am getting there with everyone's help on the boards here. Check back in please.

    Lisa

     
    Old 07-20-2006, 07:56 PM   #33
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Thanks for your help. I know I should probably seek therapy after this, and to calm myself. Everything is just piled up so much right now. I feel better though. In a way I am learning to look at it like the past and trying to move forward and taking care of myself, my family.
    I called him yesterday. It's hard, when someone leaves and you don't have an answer. I know in a way I do but it's hard you almost want to push the person to grow some balls and tell you why they just stopped speaking to you.
    I don't think I will ever be able to understand that a drug makes a person chose that instead of the people they love.
    I know he won't call me back and respectfully tell me. In a way I just want him to admit it, just tell me "I have a problem"...
    It's like I keep seeking for something I will never get.

     
    Old 07-20-2006, 08:30 PM   #34
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    We can't control what other will or will not do. I just went through a divorce..his problem, my decision. He was my best friend, my lover, my husband. It killed me inside. He was responsible for the behavior that led to the divorce; my hydros gave me the false strength to deal with his behavior, etc. The last 2 years are a blurr. I don't know how it happened, and I can't believe I resorted to drugs to deny it and deal with it. But then I had to face it head on, and I got really sick. It's all over with, the divorce, and I am left picking up the pieces of what was once a great, healthy life. But, I am doing it for sure. You can, too. I admit it to trying several times, and failing, but that's when you really know you have a problem. But you also have to fix the problem that is causing you to resort to the abuse. So try to take care of both problems, and you will get out of this OK. Keep in touch with everyone here. They will help you through it and give you ideas of other ways to get help if you need it. You are in NO WAY alone!!

    Lisa

     
    Old 07-25-2006, 08:45 PM   #35
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    All bobos are fixed. sorry. i thought they were **** out.
    i don't think i will ever ever understand what addiction like that can do to someone,unless it happens to me, like you can grasp it sort of, from what the person does, but it's just i thought you know "love conquers all" and love should make you want to stop. but hearing what you guys say that, in the mist of addiction, you don't feel, its just scary, why would you not want to feel? how is that possible.
    I am better though. This board helped me understand a LOT!!! i knew NOTHING about addictions and how people behaved, and what it does to families until i came here. you are all really brave i cant stop saying that because its true, to change your lives and realize you made a mistake and fix it. most of us dont ever want to admit we are wrong, or made wrong choices.
    i just always think of him before i go to bed and in my own way, even though i am not religious, i do like a little prayer type thing, and i just ask that whatever powers are out there, they protect him and help him.

     
    Old 07-26-2006, 01:20 PM   #36
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Sorry to hear about your x-boyfriends addictions. I went through a lot of the same thing with my ex. Drugs and bars-what a lifestyle-not only is it a lifeless existance-you will NEVER be number one no matter how wonderful he may have been. Time will heal (it really is true)-it may take months or even years to get through this and I know it sucks-it ripped at my heart too but I found the strength to move on.

    [ REMOVED ]

    Good Luck and God Bless! There is life after a broken heart-you will see.

    Dee

    Last edited by moderator2; 07-27-2006 at 06:04 AM. Reason: Please do not post websites except as described in the posting rules section titled "How to share information".

     
    Old 07-29-2006, 10:19 PM   #37
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Hi Margine8
    Sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. Do not beat yourself up. Because of your xboyfriend's addiction it was impossible for him to love you, his drug was his lover. No matter how much he wanted to do right with and by you he could not do it. And it was not matter of him chosing you or coke, coke will always win. It makes you lie, you become another person, when sober you think about your next high. If he could have responsed different to your letter he would have, but he did not feel anything b/c of the drug. There is nothing you can do, but pray for him. Of course your heart hurts but you have made the best decision to move on with your life. You survived with him, you dealt with the addiction so the next step for you is easier the worst is over for you, I do not mean to sound harsh with no feelings, but I was once in his place so I know from experience. I know that you can make and he was not the man for you. I know that happiness comes from inside and that people, places and things do not make you happy. I know that to be happy in whatever situation or circumstances is a choice we have to make every day. I tell myself today I will be happy, I am happy forget what it looks like or feel like, I have control over my life. Be blessed

     
    Old 07-30-2006, 08:53 PM   #38
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Thanks. It wasn't harsh. This whole time I have been trying to understand addiction and how someone would actually chose drugs and that lifestyle, over someone they love and I have been going nuts. But I get it. I don't know what did it, but something snapped. Like it's ok. Thats what happened and it's fine. I get it. To the best of my ability I get it. Nothing I say or do will change it. It's just the way it is. I am so used to like going for what I believe in and fighting for it, but this is a battle I have to hang up my gear and move on. I get that, and the anxiety was just weird abandonment issues I had to deal with, and I got through it. I am stronger now. It's a very sad thing, and if anyone out there in the middle of an addiction is reading this, I just hope people see how destructive an addiction can be to those around them. Not only is it hell for mothers, fathers, families, watching someone disintegrate, it's just something that will kill you and deeply affect anyone you come in contact with.
    Now I understand the severity of it. I wish my ex all the best and its unfortunate that he is doing this to himself, but there is nothing i can say or do, but hope he changes and hope one day he can live a normal life.

     
    Old 07-30-2006, 10:07 PM   #39
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    I wrote that letter like letting him know, "hey i know" but i still have been lingering hanging on to this hope that he will turn around and say "im sorry im going to change, lets make a life together". Which, it is never going to happen. I finally get it. I am writing him a goodbye letter, for my own sanity.
    Even though in my heart I will always worry about his health and be a little scared, I just have to completely let it go. Just give up.

     
    Old 08-02-2006, 02:22 AM   #40
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Hi margine8,

    Haven't posted in a while - been real busy with work and stuff. I am so glad, that something has snapped and you are able to move on live your life happily, and hopefully meet someone who loves you more than the earth itself, you deserve it.

    Well latest on my story is.....

    I went out for a drink with my friend on Friday night and all my boyf's mates were out (boyf stayed in cos he was working the next day). Well his mate Bill (who I have to say is probably the more sensible out of the whole group!) said he needed to talk to my boyf about some things and I asked him what and basically, when I was going through that really hard time when I first learnt everything, I had talked to a girl who I thought was my friend (i had met my boyf through her. My boyf was good friends with her husband) saying all that group were losers and dr*ggies and stuff, which I trusted she wouldn't repeat, but she did so now the whole group thinks that I think that they are all drug addict losers and probably hate the sight of me because I don't do drugs of any kind!), and Bill wanted to talk to me about it, saying he was a family man and he knows I don't agree with drugs and he only does it occassionally and it doesn't make him a bad father or person. Being sooooo paranoid (funny huh?!!)!!! I think he thought I was gonna report him to some child protection people or something.!! Anyways, I got really mad and said to Bill I hadn't said any of those things and she was the biggest bulls**tter going, and Bill agreed and said that for some reason she is jealous of me and has a problem with me being part of the group (this is not the first time people have noticed she's been a complete b*** to me), I dunno why.

    Anyways, getting long winded! LOL!!!! Bill said he wanted to talk to my boyf because he thinks my boyf is getting a bit out of control with the charlie. Well, my heart sank, if one of his mates who also does it, thinks that my boyf is out of control with it, it's gotta be bad right??? I asked bill how often my boyf was doing it, and he wouldn't tell me, said it wasn't his place to say, but he said he wouldn't be surprised if he was doing a hundred on it a week?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I pretended to agree with him, like i knew, but my god, my heart just nearly jumped out of my chest. Bill said that he would lose me if he didn't grow up and get his priorities straight. But then he thinks doing c0ke is fine as long as you can control it!! Ja right, my ar5e!!!!!!

    So, I've not said anything yet, I'm just keeping an eye, just so I know. I know he did it Thurs night and probably finished off the rest over the weekend at some point (it's really hard to tell unless he's had a drink with it though!). I check every surface in the flat, I go through all his stuff on a regular basis, I just want to see for myself really. I also know he's probably done it recently cos he's been moody and uninterested and uncaring about anything. The last month, I don't think he'd touched it at all. It was wonderful, he was loving, affection and happy and just well, really nice. (is this was Charlie does to your personalility??? I think I'm beginning to realise). I will wait for Bill to talk to him, as I know he will tell him a few home truths, and I know my boyf and he will listen to his mates more than he will ever listen to me or his mum.

    If that doesn't work, then I think I've done enough grieving for the relationship I thought I had, I think I could just go now. I don't want to, I love him more than anyone I've ever loved, but I think a couple more things and I think I will just snap and leave.

    My friend keeps telling me to give him an ultimatum, me or the drugs, but I know he would choose me, but get more diceitful and more dishonest and more sneaky with the drug taking. I said to her, one day my love for him will just disappear and I will just walk. I think that will be more of a shocker to him. I hope.

    xxxx

    Last edited by horsybreeze; 08-02-2006 at 02:23 AM.

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 06:57 AM   #41
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    I need to have a solution. I have been trying to get over this and make my own solution and I have in a way but I need to hear it from him. I know I can't let this go.
    So I need advice. I was thinking since he avoids me and doesn't respond, I was going to go to the bar where he hangs out tomorrow night. And confront him, just tell him look I want to hear the truth, just everything from you.
    I know I might be humiliated but I need to hear it that he rather be at the bar getting coked up.
    I think I will finally snap out of my fairytale then.
    What do you guys think??

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 07:23 AM   #42
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Margine8
    I need to have a solution. I have been trying to get over this and make my own solution and I have in a way but I need to hear it from him. I know I can't let this go.
    So I need advice. I was thinking since he avoids me and doesn't respond, I was going to go to the bar where he hangs out tomorrow night. And confront him, just tell him look I want to hear the truth, just everything from you.
    I know I might be humiliated but I need to hear it that he rather be at the bar getting coked up.
    I think I will finally snap out of my fairytale then.
    What do you guys think??
    Margine, honey....there is no fairytale left....he has 'answered' you even though he hasn't actually responded to your letter. His avoiding you and not responding is actually an answer....loud and clear.....of where his priorities lie. Please just let him know....by NOT going to a bar to confront him....that you are worth far more than he has to offer you right now.

    I've just finished an awesome book titled "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend...it helps you figure out why you might put up with bad treatment from people...and how not to do it again. I'd definitely recommend it....it covers a lot of other good stuff too.

    Take care and don't go to the bar...'kay? :-)

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 07:49 AM   #43
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Marg,

    Hey there. I just read your letter to your ex. I am so sorry for all you went through... addiction is such a hard thing to go through. I am sorry your long, heartfelt letter didn't do anything to make him see all the distructive things his behavior are doing to his life & others around him. I can't even imagine how hurt you are, the pain your heart is feeling or how hard this is for you to get over.

    I do know, though, that addicts have to admit to themselves they are addicted & WANT to change that before anything will happen. He is obviously not ready to give up his lifestyle & you're right - he will choose to continue on with it until he HAS hit rock bottom & has nothing else then to try being clean & sober.

    I will pray for you & hope that your heart is able to pick up the pieces really soon!

    ~DL

     
    Old 08-11-2006, 11:42 AM   #44
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Thanks. I decided just to go try to find him tonight. I know it's kind of silly and it's going to be a hell of a risk, but not only do I need to see him and speak to him face to face to see if I can get through to him, but I need an end. I need a conclusion, not just a big open question that will drive me crazy for who knows how long.
    I want him to see me and to see that I am not going to cover anything or pretend I dont see it. And then I just want to hear it from him, why he continues to disappear.
    I feel kind of sily because he ignores me, but I am willing to take the risk. I don't know what else to do with myself to detach. It was do able the other times he did this, but something snapped and now I need an end, and at least a chance for him to see everything he lost and talk to him, somethine he cant just erase or look away from.
    wish me luck guys.

     
    Old 08-12-2006, 05:22 AM   #45
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    I don't regret going by that bar. i hate it. it's like the place that's ruining his life.
    so i went lasts night. on a mission. i called and he ignored my calls, then i saw him outside smoking a cig., i honked the horn and he looked at me and ignored me. i kept calling him like telling him i just wanted to speak to him for a few and i didnt want some dramatic scene at the bar so if he could come out.
    he ignored the calls and a few minutes later he was going up the stairs with this trashy looking girl holding a six pack to her apartment.
    i guess i got my answers.

     
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