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    Old 07-04-2006, 09:16 AM   #1
    Margine8
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    Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    One day at the bar you told me how you had no one in life, except your mom. I don't know if you remember that. That was the night you told me you loved me.
    You told me how your friends weren't really friends, that you had no one. I felt like saying "no that's not true, you have me", but I didn't. It's true, you had me. You didn't want it. Maybe the reason is because you push people away. I don't know how many girls you do this to, month to month, but you chose to be alone. I was just one of those girls that could not compete with your first choice.
    Being at the bar and doing coke. That's your choice. I always went back and forth and didn't know what the hell your problem was.
    You would leave, in a real crazy way, date other women, then come back saying you had a mood swing, all the while claiming you loved me. Where was the love? Where is this love you talk about so much? I don't see it, I barely did.
    I would never in my life think of doing anything to hurt you. I loved you so much it was beyond me. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Did I cheat on you? Backstab you? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve the cruel way you acted? Nothing. I just wasn't important, that was the problem, coke was.
    I know you wanted to leave, and you had your head set on it, and you did, no matter what I said, your little mood swing said it was time and you left, without a word.
    Now it's evident and I can't deny or overlook it anymore.
    There were several times before we went to bed, when you would get these really bad stomach aches, or chest pains, or you would breathe really weird like you were gasping for air, all the while holding your chest. That's what cocaine is doing to your organs. It's messing with your heart. At any minute you can get a stroke, or have heart failure. No matter how little you do, for someone using for so long. The mouth sores, the coughing up phlegm, the shaking, the mood swings, sleeping all day, the list goes no and on.
    Do you not see what coke has done to your life? Don't you care about your family, you mom.
    Your preference has completely broken our relationship. Your disappearing because you'd rather be at the bar, drinking and doing cocaine, the lying to me. You prefer that over me and I know now I can never compete, you will always chose that. The bar, coke.
    Think about what you are doing to yourself. Whatever pain and hurt you've done to me, can't be nearly as bad as what you are doing to yourself. What void are you trying to fill with coke and booze. That's what you want out of life? What are you doing with your life? What are you accomplishing? Are you making your mother proud of you? Or is it more important to be known as the guy from the bar...
    You have humiliated me, stepped all over me. Taken my love and shattered it ot pieces, you break my heart over and over again, then you go out and party.
    I wanted to confront you so many times especially at night when those things would happen. When I was scared I was going to take you to the emergency room if you didn't start breathing normal. I would stay up until you fell asleep and I knew you were ok.
    I was too scared to and kept putting it off. I thought maybe if we went out, did things, experienced life, you would see there's more out there. But all weekend you would be sleeping and recovering from your binge the night before.
    I thought a couple of times, like what is the big deal? I started going to the bar myself and drinking and yah it was fun. Then I woke up one day and saw everyone for who they really were. They weren't my friends, they weren't cool. They were cowards, hiding, not living. Dismissing their families, not doing anything with their lives. Then I thought, maybe I should just try it, just once, just see what the big deal is, coke. See if maybe if I did it, you wouldn't disappear on me, or push me away all the time.
    But I cared about myself more. I care about my well being more than that, I respect my life and I want to live it.
    Even if I try tons of things, move, change my career, and fail, over and over, I'd rather fail and know I tried, than not do anything at all.
    There are no words to even say to explain how I feel or explain the pain and hurt and everything you caused in my life. I wish I had never met you. I wish this past year never happened. You become a monster, like two different people. I can't ever believe you again or trust you in any way. I can never allow you in my life. You took my love and took advantage of it and then when you felt like it left and didn't care to even explain. There just aren't words possible to say what I feel.
    I was so horrible to you, that you just leave, ignore me, change your number? You wanted to get away from me that bad? Woah. This has been the most humiliating, hurtful thing I have ever gone through.
    I hate the bar, I hate cocaine. It turned you into a monster. You said you would never hurt me, but you do over and over and each time its worse, and more painful, and you go away and party it up and im here, left to pick up the wreckage.
    I didn't want any guarantees. I know human emotions are tricky and things could change. But if I was going to have someone in my life, I wanted a gurantee that no matter what, they would care about me and respect me to tell me if they didn't want to be with me, or if they met someone else, or whatever the reason to be honest. I got it that you didnt want to be with me, changing your number was your way of saying it. I just had no idea you could stoop even lower than before, that you would do that again, a million times more hurtful. My god! It's unbearable. I wish I never knew these things existed. Not only is it ruining your life, it ruined mine. You might as well have stabbed me. I can handle physical pain.
    I hope you wake up and see what you are doing to your life. I hope you want to live it, and not throw it down the drain like you're doing now. And although you want nothing to do with me, I wish you change and are able to be a different person. The person I know you can be. I really hope you change before it's too late. Maybe you have to hit rock bottom before you change, I just hope you don't end up in jail, or in a ditch somewhere.
    and i hope you realize what you've given up and what you have lost in the process

    Last edited by Margine8; 07-23-2006 at 10:49 AM.

     
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    Old 07-04-2006, 11:07 AM   #2
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    Marg-
    What powerful words, thoughts and honesty. I am trembling after reading your letter. Sweetie, I wish those words could get to him and even get through to him- to his heart. That is an intervention if I ever saw one. That is an intervention from someone who loves an addicted person with her entire heart.

    All I can say, is that if those words do not make him think twice, then at this point he isn't ready to admit his problem. I am glad you shared that with us. I just don't know what else to say.

    Lezlee

     
    Old 07-04-2006, 11:42 AM   #3
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    Wow,

    I know you thought that through, and that was so moving. If he ever felt for you, those words will sink in. Maybe not right away, but give it time. Good for you, too. You can begin to let go. Your words here will help more people than just him.

    I can't help but feel that someone was saying that to me 9 months ago when I got sober. Thank you for keeping real the wreckage that we leave in our path as addicts. I am so grateful for the memory so that I will never go back to that way of life.
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    Old 07-04-2006, 01:34 PM   #4
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    Thanks guys for all of your support. I would have never had the guts to send that and speak to him so openly if I hadn't come here.
    It's sent and I hope it sparks something in him. I pray it does something.

     
    Old 07-05-2006, 12:58 AM   #5
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    Wow, what a great heartfelt letter. I too, was thinking to writing something similar to my boyfriend.

    I really, really hope so much that it works. I too love an addicted person with my entire heart and want him to just have the shock of his life one day that will snap him out of it. Maybe something needs to happen to one of his friends, I dunno, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but maybe the whole group of people need that, make them realise they are not invincible.

    My boyfriend is really a decent, such a lovely guy with so much going for him, that's what makes it so hard. If he was a complete s&&t and total wa**face I would up and leave like yesterday.

    I keep rereading your letter and I just wanna burst into tears, but I can't I'm at work!

    Keep your chin up, that's what everyone keeps telling me. I'm still with him, but I know deep down, that sooner or later I will have to leave, I just don't feel strong enough yet.

    All I can think of, if he does hit rock bottom and then realises and changes his life completely, maybe in months, years, who knows. It will be too late for me to have the new, clean, caring man I originally thought he was. Some other lucky person will get him. That's what gets me.

     
    Old 07-05-2006, 04:46 PM   #6
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    Hey Horsy,
    My ex was a really really great guy too, when he was around. I kept holding on to the good things, and forgiving the bad. But in reality, they are both, we need to see them as a complete person, the good and the bad. Although it can be blamed on the drugs and alcohol, it is who they are now, and they are bad for us.
    And if they get straight and someone else gets them, then they were not meant for us. I truly belive that if you love someone you have to let them go. Let them see what they took for granted and if and when they get themselves together, then that's another story.
    I don't think I can forgive my ex at this point, it just hurts too much right now the way I was treated. Sometimes, when people hurt you bad enough, it's like something shuts off. I love him, but so much pain is there that I can't think of allowing him to do this to me again.
    Good luck with writing your letter. Sounds like you have some decisions to make.
    Just be careful with your life first. Don't let him like take money, or put you in a situation where you are in danger, because of his habit. You guys live together and that's something he needs to get through his head, if he makes decisions, with buying his drugs, he affects you too. What if one day he decides to binge, and uses up rent money? Yah know, just please be careful.
    I hope you are doing well and thank you for sharing your story too.
    It does seem like this is another person, I never thought I would be involved in something like this. It makes you realize how precious life is, and how much pain some people go through and the things that we could be turning to in life, how decisions affect everyone around us. Im so proud of all the people on here who share their stories, and are trying to get better and kick their addicitions. I give them so much credit, it must be so difficult.
    It can happen to anyone. Some people look down at those with a problem, like they should be ashamed. It could be anyone, your mom, daughter, bf. What matters is how you take the experiences in life and make it better, and fix it pull through ten times stronger, help others...

     
    Old 07-05-2006, 05:10 PM   #7
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    I get a feeling I am gonig to get a screw you go to hell email any day now...

    Last edited by Margine8; 07-23-2006 at 10:50 AM.

     
    Old 07-06-2006, 06:28 PM   #8
    Margine8
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    Angry Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    He wrote back...
    all he said from that long letter was,
    "i didnt change my number, it's still the same"

     
    Old 07-07-2006, 01:13 AM   #9
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    OMG!!!! That really says it all. What an uncaring person he really is. You are sooooooo much better than that, and I would say you definately are better off out!! (hey, look at me, I really should listen to my own advice sometimes! ).

    I'm feeling much better today. Had lots of chats with friends and have decided to stop being so miserable and snap out of it,hey there's loads of men out there and it'll be fun looking for the right one!!

    Had quite a nice evening with my boyfriend yesterday. Got in from the stables after work and he had vacuumed, dusted, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen and tidied everything !!!! He hasn't done that since we've lived there and I got a huge cuddle when I walked in the front door. Very, very, very strange, not sure what to think of that! It was like having my old boyfriend back for an evening.

    I wanna fall out of love with him, so it will be easier to go, but I know that will never happen. As far as I know, he hasn't touched any charlie since last Friday, but the dreaded weekend is approaching. That's sad too isn't it, to dread the weekend and worry about it.

    Margine, I'm so happy for you that you are taking positive actions and starting to enjoy life once again. I'm very proud of you.

    xx

     
    Old 07-07-2006, 02:06 PM   #10
    Margine8
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    i feel like crap today. i spill my heart out, and all he says is.. i didnt change my number..
    do you guys think maybe that's all he said because he realized something is really wrong (his addiction)???
    i hope so.
    i dont know. i really wanna go to the bar right now, get really drunk and not think..

     
    Old 07-07-2006, 02:24 PM   #11
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    Oh Marg-
    I know you must be upset and let down by his reaction. I know you want to go and have a drink, but seriously, all that is going to do is make you feel worse, and then in the morning you will be adding "hang over" to your upset, disappointment, confusion and anger about this situation with this guy. Please forgive me for not calling him your boyfriend, but it doesn't seem to me that he thinks enough of you to consider how his actions are affecting the woman who loves him.

    If his attitude is so cavalier after you poured your heart out to him, then it's possible that he's trying to manipulate and pass the buck off on someone else. That someone else being you. And if you give in to the temptation to go to the bar, then you have made his job easier. You are better than that Marg, and you deserve better than that- no matter how much you love him.

    If he hasn't been or still isn't willing to admit he has a true and serious problem, then you would be better served to just let him go. Yes- it's going to hurt, but you can get through this. It'll take some time, some tears, some heartbreak and a host of other emotions, but in the end, hopefully you will see that you absolutely are worthy of being loved by someone who will respect you and treat you like the special person you are and not abuse you the way he is.

    Please continue to post. We are all here for you. Support flows freely here.

    Lezlee

     
    Old 07-07-2006, 07:45 PM   #12
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who choses coke...

    thanks lezlee,
    it's so easy to go numb myself at the bar. i kept thinking yah i'll go and i'll finally laugh and be happy. i know i won't ill be happy for a few, until i get really plastered and start balling my eyes out and i realize nothing is going to numb it.
    i wrote him back. i was mean, but i have to be. i feel like his puppet.
    i told him again he needs help, and that i hope the letter sparked something. then i told him not to contact me again.
    i think i did the right thing. it's just like an awakening. i feel like a naive child. like ok i dont have a lot of experience in relationships. i have always been guarded and withdrawn. not that i'm saying i didnt kow people lied, but i thought when someone says they love you, they mean it, when they say things, it's truth,
    well not everything, but something so delicate, and important as the word love,
    like how do you throw that around. i know it sounds silly, but you go on their honor and their words, but the reality is their actions are what you have to judge. i just didnt know people could be so evil. you dont really know until you experience it.
    i still think of the times he said he wanted to be with me forever, and that he would never let me go and he was going to show me how i meant everything to him.
    its just sad thats all, all those words just float off, disintegrate..
    you believe in someone so much and want their happiness more than your own sometimes, and it's just used up. that to me is evil.
    i wonder if he ever felt, had a heart, before he became a cokehead..

    Last edited by Margine8; 07-25-2006 at 08:39 PM.

     
    Old 07-08-2006, 05:21 AM   #13
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Marg-
    What you said about trying to use the alcohol is true. Yeah, you might get tipsy and be happy girl for a bit, but then when it really kicks in, after a few more drinks- there you are a sobbing drunk. And in the end? You are still going to have to deal with the hurt, the anger, the pain, and the heartache anyway. So, why not deal with it now? It's ok to be hurt and angry, it's ok to cry and get it all out there. You need to get it out of you, and into the wide open. Scream, rant, rave, cry, whatever you need to do. This guy hurt you and he let you down and he lied to you, and that's NOT ok. You trusted him and he took your heart and abused it.

    I know it wasn't easy to tell him to not contact you, but if you continue to have contact with him, this viscious cycle will continue, and you will be the one paying the price. He won't think another second about it because he has his drugs to go back to. The best case would be for him to realize what you say is true, and seek out and get help with his addiction. But, he needs to get help from a professional at this point.

    And yes- anyone can tell you they love you, but honey, if their actions don't back it up, then they need to get packing and move on down the line to the next person that comes their way. My daughter is alot like you in that she trusts immediately that what someone tells her is true. She automatically beleives that people are good. With me, you have to earn my trust. And in turn, I expect to have to earn your trust as well.

    Marg- all I am saying, is that until you are able to sever all ties with this guy, you will not be able to deal with your feelings and start to move forward. And yes- people do care about you. I don't know you, but I do care and I do know you deserve so much more than what you are getting from this guy.

    Be safe, and let us know if you need to rant girl.

    Lezlee

     
    Old 07-08-2006, 03:28 PM   #14
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    i still dont get it. why is so hard to forget about him.. i dont get how he can be so cold, so careless. like nothing matters like whatever.
    its like nothing matters to him.
    how can someone be like that.

     
    Old 07-08-2006, 04:14 PM   #15
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    Re: Letter to my ex, who chooses coke...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Margine8
    i still dont get it. why is so hard to forget about him.. i dont get how he can be so cold, so careless. like nothing matters like whatever.
    its like nothing matters to him.
    how can someone be like that.
    sweetie , its like nothing matters to him because nothing does except his drug. i have a younger brother who is an addict as well. he and his exwife are divorced and have two beautiful sons who live with her. want to know how low and uncaring and selfish these people (druggies) can get?? my brother asked my younger nephew for his saved money he kept in a box, (he was saving to buy a game), my brother asked if he could "borrow" the money and swore up and down that he'd pay him back. loving his dad, of course he said yes, he has never paid him back, i have no idea what pathetic excuse he gives my nephew for not paying him back when he asks for his money back , but i know till this day he hasnt paid him back a penny. honey, just make a clean break, otherwise if you keep sending him email, like the other poster mentioned, it simply becomes a vicious circle again.

    you sound like a very smart girl with a good head on her shoulders , and they wont get cleaned UNTIL they themselves want to do it for themselves. they wont do it for anyone else and those that do get them to change for them, such as the other poster who gave him an ultimatum are very lucky, and far inbetween. perhaps one day he will find out what he really lost, get himself cleaned for good, and you and him can make a life together. then again perhaps not. but if he ever does get cleaned, and he comes around and you still love him, and want to give it another try, then make it known from the very beginning you will not put up with any of his coke habits or druggie friends coming around. if he messes up, then no more chances ever. but dont send him any more email. the first letter was great, it was very heartfelt letter. he didnt address any of your issues, simply that he didnt change his phone number. that proves he is not ready for a full time committment with anyone. you deserve sooooo much better sweetie. sometimes you can love a person deeply and it might be a forever love, who knows, but you will have to love him from afar, as in out of your life. you can love a person truly, but that doesnt mean, that a relationship with that love is healthy. you are truly a strong person hon, and have much love to offer to someone who is worthy of that love. someone who will return that love to you just as unselfishly as you love him. please stay strong.
    Jen

     
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