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    Old 12-10-2006, 05:43 PM   #1
    reachout
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    tapering and tired of it all....

    Hi Guess I am just having a pity party here.... I am tapering odd oxycodone. I have been working with the docs for over two months now and I am so tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I cry.. for nothing, absolutlely nothing and the crying brings no relief. I am just sick of all of this. I won't be done with this until the new year.

    Have others taken a long time to taper off opiates? The depression is the pits. I have been treated for depression for ten years now, but it has been in check for a long time. Now I just can't shake it.

    I am not going to give up, but I am so weary. I feel stuck in some horrible place and I can not get free. I need some hope.

     
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    Old 12-10-2006, 07:12 PM   #2
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Hey Reach. You will be out of that horrible place just as long as you stay the course. The depression experienced after quitting the pills is the absolute worst part. You can do it. You have no choice but to do this. We all have to pay the price for what we have done to our bodies, but it is all worth it. Trust me...I have been there and things are awesome right now. I'm sure they will be for you also. Hang in there.

     
    Old 12-10-2006, 08:40 PM   #3
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    The depression is the pills last ditch effort at getting you back as a slave. The chemical balance will return in a short time and you just have to hang in there a little while longer...There is light at the end of the tunnel, this I can promise you.

    Jim

     
    Old 12-11-2006, 11:18 AM   #4
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Tapering is difficult. Thats a given. But slowly is the right way, thus it takes a bunch of time. Hang in there sounds like you are getting close to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

    Depression is also part of the drugs, it gets worse when trying to get off them. Most of us when getting off the drugs were depressive basket cases, I know I was. It passes, hand in there. Just stay focused and know that the end is more then worth all you are going through to get there.

    phil

     
    Old 12-11-2006, 02:24 PM   #5
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Thank you for the words of wisdom and encouragement. I am trying so hard. My husband is very supportive and keeps telling me to keep positive thoughts in my head. I don't think he understands depresion is beyond
    "thinking your wy out of." I know how much he is trying to help me through this, but I think he is getting tired of the tears. Geeze, I am tired of myself. The tears and depression are so exhausting and unproductive.

    Can I ask what are some of the things you all did to help during this time? I have been on Lexapro for a long time, but I think the drugs got in the way of it working.
    I try to do some housework and have wrapped Christmas packages and stuff, and spend a lot of time on the computer. It seems unless I am actively engaged in something, I am crying. Any ideas??

     
    Old 12-11-2006, 03:34 PM   #6
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Hi there,
    Just wanted to tell you that I'm right there with you. I'm tapering also, since October 10 - and sometimes I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the day.
    Sometimes I feel better - and even happy! Then I feel depressed, anxious, angry - and awful. (And those are just the emotional parts, we aren't even going into all of our physical symptoms, right?)
    We've gotta just stick it out. Look how far we've come!!! We've got a lot to be proud of.
    When I'm feeling super low, I either go ahead & let myself just CRY as much as I want - or else, I'll try to watch or read something funny, or maybe just spoil myself somehow. It's up to us for the most part to get through this crap, I guess. So it takes some creativity sometimes.
    I'm tapering off of Xanax (benzo) - but I think our experiences all share many common bonds.
    Anyway, I hope you are feeling better. Take care, and hang in there!!

     
    Old 12-11-2006, 03:50 PM   #7
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Zoolizard
    Thank you ever so much for your words. I so need to connect with someone who understands and now I feel as tho I have friends here. Our situations are more a like than you might imagine... when I get off the oxycodone, my next hurdle is to come off xanax. I take 2 and 1/2 tabs(5mg) per day.

    When my family doc first started me tapering, he tried to take me down from oxycodone and xanax at the same time. My body and mind went nutzo! I finally got to see a psych who said only one at a time... working on two different body systems is too much. By then I had cut from 4 xanax to 2.... I agreed to go back up to 3 to level off, but then figured why up the dosage since I had already suffered coming down.

    After reading more on these boards, I am lucky I did not go into seizures!

    I wish you so much peace and God's arms around you as you endure your own battle. Thank you thank you for sharing. I hate that any of us are in this position, but the sharing is such a relief. It gives me hope. helps me stay strong.

    Bless all of you on this board.

     
    Old 12-11-2006, 05:18 PM   #8
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    OK tomorrow I'll give you a dump on my depression experience while getting off the pills. Oh what a sorted story.................lol

    Have to go get calm and flexed with my yoga, the Mrs is such a task master....................... ha

    phil

     
    Old 12-11-2006, 05:57 PM   #9
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    I will be waiting for your story, Phil. Not that I am anxious to have others suffer at all... but you seem to be okay now and I need to know there is an end to this.

    I want joy and laughter in my life again. Do you have that?

    With all the moaning I have done, probably everyone thinks I am just a big crybaby. Somewhere hidden is my funloving personality and love of life. It just keeps hiding from me.

    Having suffered a much worse clinical depression than this some ten years ago, I thought I would have all the tools to help myself now. However, I feel unprepared and at a loss now. Depression zaps you however much you might know in your head.

    Hope you are grinning while you do that yoga!

    Peace

     
    Old 12-12-2006, 06:08 AM   #10
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    OK I'm back where are you? HA

    Let me start off by saying I have incredible amounts of joy and laughter in my life now. Before unless I was in the beginning stages of a high I rarely laughed or joked around or had fun. I was usually fighting until I took my next dose of pills. It really is a vicious cycle with not good a ending or medium. People would characterize me as a person who is fun loving, a jokester, prankster, somebody who likes to keep things light, have fun and work hard. Full of energy and always with a smile. Well not so when I was in the throws of drugs, I was no energy, no fun and no smile on my face.

    In the end before I finally figured out that my life was in a death spiral, the depression and guilt, yes the guilt just enhances the depression, was unbearable. When I decided to get off the opiates (it took a few tries ha) but the last and final time, I tapered from around a 500mg per day addiction and the depression coming off those pills was almost unbearable. I was a blubbery mess. I would cry at the slightest thing, such as a commercial on TV or talking to the Mrs. or a family member such as my parents or a song on the radio or whatever................ things would set me off and I was an emotional wreck. I was also experiencing for the first time in my life panic attacks, what a lovely thing those are. Thought several times I was having the big heart attack. The anxiety along with the depression is as difficult to handle as is the physical withdrawal symptoms.

    I remember the Dr. would try and prescribe to me anti-depressants but for some reason I just knew that before drugs I didnít have depression problems and as soon as I was off the drugs I probably would not have depression problems so I hung in there and decided no anti-depressants for me. At least for me it proved to be the right choice, but I've always felt very in tune with my body, in tune enough to get off the drugs and see if I really needed something for depression. It really is an individual thing so I would suggest if you know yourself and your body then you may want to go slow with anti-depressants if you were never on them before drugs or consult a few Dr.s before you take on something for the emotional side of the house.

    OK I know, I talk way too much. The beauty now is my life is and has been so good now that I've dumped the opiates. Its been years for me and thatís good, sometimes its hard to remember back and thatís a good thing I guess although I don't want to forget how bad it was, how miserable I was and how bad I made it for those around me, my family and friends. If it wasn't for a dear friend, my beloved wife and my own recognition I would never have figured out I was almost at the point of no return. I was lucky I didn't have to lose everything or ruin everything before I got it back together.

    All I can say is if you are determined and want it bad enough many of you can get back the wonderful life you had prior to the dark side of drugs. I'm afraid its not easy to get back to normal and its a fight that in my opinion may be the most difficult you may ever endure, its worth all your efforts and all your being to win the fight, win the battles and to get back to life without drugs. Only when you are free from drugs will you realize just how much you've missed and how much you have to live for and how great, really great life is without the burden and overhead of drugs. Drugs are so evil in the sense they deceive you until they have you where you can hardly free yourself from its grasp.

    Fight for your life, fight for what you deserve and enjoy all the fruits and joy of being drug free. Slow and steady wins this race!

    Sorry, on the soap box this morning but felt the need to talk a bit.

    phil

     
    Old 12-12-2006, 06:17 AM   #11
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Hey Phil. I can totally relate to your post. I did pretty much the same thing with the anti-dep. I also experienced a panic attack in the grocery story. Not a feeling that I want to revisit anytime soon. It is a huge fight to quit the habit, but like you said, well worth it.

     
    Old 12-12-2006, 07:37 AM   #12
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Right now I feel more uplifted after reading Phil's story of depression than I have in such a long time! Really uplifted.

    To be able to believe that I CAN have joy in my life again gives me a renewed strength to keep on fighting.

    I have fought many battles in the last ten years... cancer that claimed 1/2 of my thigh, radical surgery, many other surgeries, clinical depression that left me near suicide, chemo, radiation , heart attack and a few others that I don't even want to remember. Always, God was with me and I made it back.

    THIS battle, however, seems at times just too much to overcome. This morning, you have given me back my faith that this, too, shall pass. God bless you for that.

    Two days ago, I was at the point where I said the heck with this taper. It is torture. I was going to abandon the plan, jump off, and what happened, happened. If I made it, fine. If it killed me, fine. Today, I realize that slow and steady is the only way I am going to do this.

    The docs seem right when they say to stay at my current dosages for 3 weeks because I need to stabilize before continuing. I have been angry because I want this done. But I guess there is no "science" to the process. I will hold here until I am strong enough to make another drop. It seems the closer I get to the end, the harder it is. Does this sound par for the course?

    Anyway, today I let the anger go (at least for now!).

    I feel uplifted and renewed! I am going to continue to fight and believe that joy is waiting at the end of the tunnel.

    You are all playing a part in my recovery and I know I am blessed to have found friends on this board.

     
    Old 12-12-2006, 09:26 AM   #13
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Yea, Phill. Your posts are really excellent and uplifting. You write like a very intelligent and caring person. I wrote on here before that this thing that we all share, this addiction thing, has no preferences or biases. People have way too many misconceptions about people who become addicted. I am a college educated, well paid professional in a major Eastern City. I serve on many volunteer organization boards, my Son is in private school, my wife is college educated and we have a lareg home and a wonderful life together, with the exception of my GD addicition to sniffing Oxys, drinking beer, doing other hard narcotics occassionally. Drug addiction does not discriminate. We are all bound by this common thread and we need each other to get through. Go back and read my posts regarding my CT withdrawl back in January of 2005. The post regarding the first n ight says it all. It fealt lke I was walking around in a nightmare. No sleep for several nights, no appetite, couldn't talk to people, deal with anything, quick temper, crying. I went several days and with each day after the first night, it got better. That was when my habit was maybe between 40mg - 60mg day. I am only 20 1/2 hours since doing 120mg and I've been crying all morning. Way more emotional than before. I just talked to someone who is leaving me a few 7.5 Hydros to taper with if I need them. Maybe they'll help.

    P

    Last edited by Proward; 12-12-2006 at 09:37 AM.

     
    Old 12-12-2006, 11:18 AM   #14
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Reachout;

    There is no science to this thatís for sure and I think we are all impatient by nature it would seem. I know I am. The closer we get to the finish line the more we want to be there. I remember when I tapered I got to a point where my lack of patience caused me to just go CT. I thinks its very normal to want to cross the finish line. I also think its good you stabilize and then make your next move down. Not sure Iíd linger at a level for 3 weeks but Iíd probably start moving down again within a week or so but thatís me Mr. impatient. ďSlow and Steady Wins the RaceĒ and as you already know You Are Stronger then you Think!

    Proward;

    I also am a professional person or at least thatís what we like to call ourselves. HA That and 50 cents will get you a cup of coffee, maybeÖÖÖ.I wish I could properly explain how very close I came to losing it all. And for the longest time I had no frogging clue I was so close to the edge. Like I said I was lucky; I pulled up on the wheel and the plane righted itself, but I did sustain a few bruises when I came close to crashing. I can tell you after almost 4 yrs my beloved Mrs. Has hard times still not feeling total trust in me or is worried Iím going to fall back into the grips of opiates. To have changed her life so much, for her to feel such worry and uneasiness even today is something I never dreamed I would be a part of or have caused. Thatís an area I have to work very hard at, to not carry guilt forward, to not let it drive me crazy or down a bad path again. The past is the past and the future is what I can control. I canít change the past, its an old chapter in a book, I just turn the page to the next glorified chapter, the chapter I write, the way it should be, the way I want it to be.

    But Iíve always agreed that drug addiction is not discriminatory it attacks us all no matter what our station in life may be. We also need to beat drugs the same way, all of us no matter who or what we do. Hard work, very, very hard work and setting goals, achieving goals, thatís what we need in our lives. We are at nature a competitive lot; we need to work for a goal or achievement. We need to succeed in life and to be recognized, if nothing more then by ourselves, we recognize our own accomplishments.

    OK so Iíve gotten way to deep here and Iíve talked way too much. I always do ha. Reachout you are well on your way, if you have managed and beaten cancer then you CAN beat drugs. Its within your power, make it happen lady! And Proward, time to move forward, time to start creating your own new destiny without the use of drugs. All energy needs to go into getting opiates out and your old life back. Its not to late, but time is running out. You DO NOT want to fix this problem when a whole bunch of real bad things have happened. Sounds like nothing real bad has happened yet, donít let anything happen other then getting yourself started on your road to recovery. You can make it happen, you really can!

    Be good and stay strong

    phil

     
    Old 12-12-2006, 11:37 AM   #15
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    Re: tapering and tired of it all....

    Another poignant post, Philster --

    Makes me think of the 7 decisions, that we can apply to recovery:

    1) The Buck Stops Here. (make a decision to get well and commit to it)

    2) I will seek wisdom. (This board, doctor, family, other addicts, NA, AA)

    3) I am a person of action. (Fight the DTs. Nothing can stop you!)

    4) I have a decided heart. (Once you make that decision to quit, no turning back. Fight hard and long if necessary)

    5) Today, I will choose to be happy. (No matter how bad it gets, no matter how bad the depression, you are still here. You still have the chance to get better. We're not mad at you so why should you be mad at you. You can change the cycle of addiction and use!)

    6) I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. (Forgive yourself and forgive all those that have wronged you. Someone doesn't have to ask for your forgivenes for you to give it to them. So, you got off track. Get back on and you will know what true joy is)

    7) I will persist without exception!!! (Self explanatory)

    These are from Andy Andrews book and DVD. These are Excellent rules to help you get clean.

     
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