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    Old 03-05-2007, 06:27 PM   #1
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    If you have time to read my story and tell me what you think PLEASE DO!

    I am 17 years old and grew up in a small town in NY. I have an older sister who is schizophrenic, a brother who got out of town as fast as he could, a severely depressed father and a nephew who is only 18 months old and in a month will be adopted by another family. Then there is my mother. She has had legal custody of me since I was a baby when my parents split. She became a lesbian and has had many partners in her/my life. Growing up I looked up to her, she was strong, physically and personality wise, she had lots of friends who I loved and who I considered to be part of my family. She was so talented in many ways, she could build the most beautiful patios and gardens, but she could also cook the best food out of things that I would look in the cupboard and say there was nothing. This makes her sound like a little house wife type of person, but those who knew her or took one look at her would consider her a "butch lesbian." I never cared as I myself was quite the tom boy who always wanting to help her with fixing the car or mowing the lawn, simply because thatís what she did and I wanted to be like her. Life wasn't always easy and pretty, we moved many times, and total in my 17 years I have live in 20 places. There was a lot of fighting and arguing between my parents and even my momís partners.

    She had a few partners in my life, one who was like a mother to me more then my own mother. It was when she left after being there for 5 years that my life went down hill. This was very rough on my mom. Shortly after she had surgery on her knee and then gave her kidney to her brother who is diabetic. From all of her surgeries she was in a lot of pain and was put on narcotic pain killers. My sister started to act up doing drugs and her schizophrenia was showing through a lot more and it became clear that she actually had a problem beside regular teen mischief. This was also very hard on my mom and their relationship was horrible.

    My mom met another woman and actually quit smoking and was doing very well I thought. They were together for about 3 years and then when they broke up my mom started drinking. She would go out every night and usually come home after I was in bed so I never saw it. Also when I did see her I think I was too ignorant to admit it. It became a problem because I never saw her and when I would ask her to just stay home and hang out and watch a movie she would ignore my wishes. She lost all of her old friends and the new ones were all from the bars so they were all in the same boat sinking.

    Somewhere along the line she met some people who were into smoking a lot of pot and using heroin and cocaine. So being in a very unstable state of being, my mother got sucked in like the teenager under peer pressure. I didn't really know this and realize it until I found it. I found a bag on the counter and I didn't recognize it so curious I opened it and there were needles and little bags of white stuff. Having seen the movies and the typical needle and white powder I knew it wasn't good. So I took it and hid it in my closet and locked the door. When she saw it was gone she freaked out running around the house tearing everything apart looking for it trying to be calm with me asking me if I had seen a pouch on the counter if I did anything with it. She was frantic. I could only hope that if I ever went missing she might look for me like that. I had called my dad and told him what I found, he rushed over and he took it and he talked with her and then gave it back to her because it wasn't hers, she would have been in a lot of trouble with people if she didn't have it. Somewhere in there was a promise to stop. Shortly after I kept finding spoons that had burn marks on the bottom. I finally figured out that she was melting down what ever drug and injecting it in her arm. She would lock her door at night and say not to bother her. I would watch through her window from outside and she would just go comatose and I wondered if she would wake up. When I said something to her about the spoons she claimed that it was what her doctor said to do, that it was her pain killers and that if she injected them then it worked faster and didn't have some other side effect like the pills. This was of course a lie like everything else that came out of her mouth.

    It went on for a while, she wasn't working, and she was selling her prescription pain killers for money to buy her drugs. If I wanted anything I just took money from her. I decided to get the hell out of there and I did. I moved in with some of her old friends, the good ones. They were great people and helped me through it. Somewhere along the line my sister got pregnant and then had the baby in August and then there was my mother the drug addict living in the house with a baby. This was so unbearable to watch and at the same time some things were going wrong with the family I lived with for the past year, so to make it easier on them and seeing my mom half hearted attempts to get clean I moved back in with her. This only lasted a month before I finally had enough of her lying crap, but Iím still glad that I tried and I know I put forth all my effort. I moved out with yet another good old friend of hers. Mother got put in rehab.

    I stopped talking to her. She was in one rehab for a few weeks but then she had to come back to see her doctor to get a med. changed and then she was off to another rehab. In between rehabs when she was back, I was walking in the mall and I heard her voice and I stopped dead in my tracks and panicked, my heart rate shot through the roof and if I wasn't young I would have had a heart attack. I searched for her spinning in circles and then I saw her talking to someone, I didn't even hesitate, I took off running. I was running as fast as I could leaving my friends confused jogging behind me. I was so upset with myself. This woman who I used to love and look up to now had that effect on me. She could make me go into survival mode in point two seconds. I hate her for that, that she can affect me so much.

    She went to the next rehab and I heard nothing, because I didn't want to I erased her from me, it was easier. She was there for about 5 months then she came back to town on probation. I heard she was in town, people told me they saw her, I was just afraid she would find out where I lived and come knocking on my door. But then I heard through the grape vine that she violated her probation and was sentenced to eight month to a year in county jail. Many people kept saying oh I'm so sorry, but really I couldn't have been happier, she was gone again! She is still in there and I pray that she is in there as long as possible at least until I go into college.

    Now life is kind of rocky again, I no longer talk to my dad who was my best friend, my sister has been in a state mental hospital for ten months and my nephew is about to be legally not part of my family. So I kind of laugh at the word family but I actually missed her for a split second and it scared the crap out of me. How do I miss and love someone who messed up my life so much? I know that once someone starts doing drugs itís hard to stop but I hate her for starting and for lying to my face hundreds of times. I hate her with all my heart...I thought, but there was that moment. Now I ask myself what do I do when she gets out? Do I forgive her? She writes to me now and it messes with me so much that it kills me. She tells me stories from when she was little and she tells me what she is thinking and then she also tells me what she thinks I'm thinking and feeling, it kills me because sheís too close, she knows me too well. I didn't think she ever paid attention but she knows me and I hate it.
    So what do I do now? I'm about to go to college, I'm an excellent student and I'm going to go to Cornell or UVM. I have a future, I'm not like my family, I'm normal what ever that is. People actually don't believe that I could be who I am because of my life, but I fought and I am who I am, they can't change me. Do I forgive or forget? What next? I don't have the answers for once and itís weird because I always knew what to do what? Suggestions?

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    Old 03-05-2007, 06:49 PM   #2
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    Re: If you have time to read my story and tell me what you think PLEASE DO!


    You are an amazing young woman.

    I am so very sorry that I have to sign off in just a moment, but would never sleep tonight if I didn't at least get in a quick response to you.

    YOU are on a great path. There is nothing you can do about the family situations. It is going to take an army of professionals to straighten their issues out and that will only happen when they are actually ready to want real help.

    Get on with your life. Get some therapy help for YOU because there is no way to live through what you have and not have it impact you greatly.

    This is a very abbreviated response...and I am sorry. But for now, I applaud you... I give you a damn standing ovation... for your survival in the midst of the chaos of your life.

    Until we talk again

    Old 03-05-2007, 08:48 PM   #3
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    Re: If you have time to read my story and tell me what you think PLEASE DO!

    Hi Lunapup11. I too live in a small town in NY.[upstate NY.] I understand how you feel about your mom. Your mom is two people,the person on drugs,the person not on drugs.I'm sure your mom loves you with all her heart.I know,your saying,if mom loves me,then why is she doing whats she's doing? Being addicted to drugs,you hurt people that you love,the people that mean the most to you.
    Its not easy getting off drugs.But your mom is in rehab,thats got to say something.I know people who went to rehab half a dozen times,before they finally made it.I know people who just went once and made it.I know people who were clean 20 years and went back to drugs! Its a very powerful disease! Reading what you said about your mom writing to you etc. What i got out of it was your mom loves you with all her heart,she thinks of you all the time etc.
    And believe me,your mom is hurting real bad about how she has affected your life with her being on drugs.Now about you not forgiving your mom,thats up to you[of course]there are so many people out there who[I'm not meaning you]believe only low-lives,drop-outs etc have drug problems,when in fact,it affects judges,doctors,just to name a few.But i do understand your anger,you have the right to be angry.
    Lunapup11,if you ever need to chat,I'll be more than happy to.

    Old 03-05-2007, 09:14 PM   #4
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    Re: If you have time to read my story and tell me what you think PLEASE DO!

    Dearest Luna~
    I have not much time to post at all, but had to let you know that I am so inspired by your post. You are such a strong lady, and please stay here and let us know how you are doing. you will find tons of support here, and I hope you will stay with us.
    Heres to you, and wishing and giving you TONS of support and love~ Ill post more tomorrow ok?

    Old 03-05-2007, 10:21 PM   #5
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    Re: If you have time to read my story and tell me what you think PLEASE DO!

    dear luna
    Thank you for sharing your incredible story. You have survived the tragic aftermath of your mothers addiction, you have helped her, called for her, stayed with her and run from her. If I were in your shoes I would keep myself centered on knowledge and education, you are an A student, you have a gift to excel and exceed past the trauma of your mother.

    While you are away in college, at some point, after your degree or before, it would be of benefit for you to talk to a professional about the perils, the family mental anguish, the emotional deprivation you have suffered. You have shared quite a lot on the board,it is good not to repress, it's good to get this stuff out of your system or it oozes into an infected cut. The board is good for that, but you may need to be heard, you may need someone, one on one, to listen to how you feel, what you think, what you say. You may need to get help with being grounded (physically, mentally) re- the incident at the mall.

    I am sorry this happened to you, I am sorry you had to bear witness Addiction isn't attractive and as you know it can happen to anyone, even your own mother. Your mother was searching for something, something she didn't find, maybe it doesn't even exist, then she found the hard drugs. And now she is in Rehab, or maybe not. Sounds like she has one foot on the outside of the fence and the other foot on the inside of the fence. But at least she is close to the fence. Your mother I pray will find her way into solid recovery, on solid ground. She is not a bad mom she is just a sick mom that needs help and is trying to get better.

    I understand how you feel about her. I do!. Time away at college will be good for you, concentrate on your knowledge, your goals and your studies, think about seeing someone to talk to while you are away and please, don't go searching for something that does not exist into the delusional drug world. Keep yourself grounded. We loose too many of the ones we care and love.

    take treasurable care

    Last edited by kadee; 03-05-2007 at 10:27 PM.

    Old 03-05-2007, 11:18 PM   #6
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    Re: If you have time to read my story and tell me what you think PLEASE DO!

    LUNAPUP: Dang girl, you are so intelligent, you are so mature for your age. Your story was one of the most touching stories I have read from a young adult. You should get into the world of litature, you would do great.

    I cant say much more then what the others have already said to you. Your an amazing person. Take care of you now. Are you paying for college yourself??

    The advice you heard already is just what you need, dont hate your Mom, She loves you alot, it is the drugs that change people so radically. I was a drug addict. and I was a good one. I have 15 years now sober from Alcohol and 8 years from drugs, It CAN be done..Dont give up hope yet on Mom,but protect yourself, untill she proves her self..

    You are so awesome....I have a daughter 16 and she doesnt even come close to your maturity. Take care of your self, and please checkin, so we know your ok, PLEASE??.You need people to help you walk thru this, or else get professional help soon..Therapy changed my God awful life, it can help you too.

    Take any help you can muster up. Let us know if you need links to Mental Health places or some way to find them in your area.

    Prayers are with you, lots of hugs too. God bless your every move...


    Old 03-06-2007, 02:52 AM   #7
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    Re: If you have time to read my story and tell me what you think PLEASE DO!

    Hi Luna. It is amazing what parents can do to their children and the children still continue to love them. You can't help it. You can't explain it. It just is. There will probably be a part of you that always loves her.

    Good for you for DECIDING to do something with your life! You definitely have a bright future.

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