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  • This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???



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    Old 05-09-2007, 12:43 PM   #1
    myfacade
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    Red face This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Hi guys!!!

    I had to write!
    Write, write, write.....

    I wil let you all be the judge of my insanity level after reading this post. It's gonna be a long one!

    I decided amongst myself and my dog *my counterpart* late last night, *no I am not high right now* Today is going to be the day that I start my taper. Such high expectations I had for myself, It's 2:06pm right now by the way. By the end of this post it is possible some of you might be on the floor laughing at me.....

    Soooo, I figured I would start my taper today and not tell any of you until tonite and post that I started my taper and tell you all how it went, well as I said its 2:06pm.

    Let me tell you about my day so far....
    The reason I picked today was for a few reasons, the weather report for today was beautiful the first day here in the 80's, I might possibly have been a lizard in a past life because for me the hotter the better and my favorite past time is SUNBATHING! That was my reason number one. Next reason was I had to be at my girlfriends house at 8am to go with her to take her son to the hospital (he is handicapped) for a checkup on a problem he is having, so I knew I would be setting my alarm and getting a bright early start on a beautiful day then we would go back to her house and hang by the pool till it was time to pick up the rest of her clan from school at three. She is my best girlfriend and her home is my home, if there is anywhere I feel content it is there. So I had thought this out all in my head last night.

    The reality was... this morning my phone ringing at 8:15am, my girlfriend asking where are you? Me apologizing to no end and hearing the dissapointment in her voice, hanging up with her to find that my little princess yorkie *my counterpart* got sick during the night on my white bedroom carpet and my room was ablaze with this horrid stench and this was already too much for me to handle. I pulled the covers up over my head really tight to keep the smell out and somehow fell back to sleep till 11:00am.

    I woke up at 11:00 as If somehow the sick dog fairy was going to come while I was sleeping and take care of the mess that was still waiting for me.
    The Percs were CALLING!

    I roll out of bed and its about 90 degrees in my condo, I manage to feed the dog but still have not conquered the feat of putting a barette in her hair so she is walking into walls because she cant see a thing. I cleaned up the mess, UGH!
    The landscapers start!
    F*@%K!

    The windchime on my balcony that my husband and I bought while on our last dive trip before he died starts to blow and make sound and the floodgates open! I'm a mess, a complete disaster! I'll just take one. naah, two. Just to take the edge off.

    So I think, OMG, it is so great outside, I should pack up the pup and a lunch and blanket and goto the park with her, we love to do that! NOPE! CAN'T DO IT!
    I should goto my hubby's grave. NOPE, not that either.

    On a day in the past when the percs made me happy i would be outside running errands, shopping, by my girlfriends house, park with pup, not enough hours in the day to do everything I wanted, so full of energy, now I'm literally walking in circles in my condo wondering why I can't take the dishes spilling out of my sink and load them in the dishwasher? For that matter why can't I get in the shower, Ive been out of toilet paper for two days using tissues. HELLO? SHOP-RITE?

    Do you know how many times I have looked at the dishes in my sink? Walked over to them? As if touching them will burn my fingers or set my hair on fire?
    LOL.... Are my arms paralyzed?
    I miss the days of owning a home with a big backyard for my pup to run around in and planting my flowers, chatting with my neighbors over the fence, when my hubby died I had to sell our home and now I'm in this condo where it is beautiful but so impersonal and no backyard, no flowers to plant.

    So much to do around here, I have to vacuum, do laundry, clean out the fireplace, the darn dishes, clean the kitchen floor, this place is a mess! My mom used to call me NANCY NEAT! Little does she know... she lives in another state.

    You know when you clean your house from top to bottom and everything is done, it's spotless, it has taken you all day, you light some candles when your done, sit down have a cup of tea, to me that is one of the BEST feelings in the world! A SPOTLESS HOME! I want one. LOL...

    Can you beleive this post? Is anyone that started to read it still with me?
    If I don't sit here and write I will just get up go in the living room and walk in circles.
    I think I have run out of things to say.
    I am still ahead of the game, usually at this point I would have taken at least 10 percs by now, Ive taken four, I took two while writing this post. *bowing my head in shame* It didn't help any, dishes are still there!

    I hope i made some of you laugh, because as I have said before you gotta laugh or else you cry, and for me I am my biggest source of entertainment, I laugh at myself constantly. I know this is not funny, but funny, you know?

    I could be back again with a new post in ten minutes because I dont know WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF! Oh wait, I have to do ONE thing before I end this post... hang on.....Puppy can see! Put her barette in! She is my baby, my best friend, she is waggin her tail saying thank-you mommie!!! She thinks I'm the BEST!

    Oh yeah, I'm losin it!
    Please respond guys! I NEED to chat!
    Senseless chitter chatter is fine at this point!
    Hugs!

    p.s. I did attempt to put my sliding screen door back on it's tracks however proceeded to put my foot clear through it, that's gonna cost me, If I can't make it to shop-rite Home Depot can't be in my near future.....

     
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    Old 05-09-2007, 01:45 PM   #2
    doddsgirl1
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Hey there! I have been following your post and I think you are doing a great job. It isn't easy to make the choice to get clean but harder to do it. How long ago did your husband die? Not that it is any easier but was it expected? I get from you that you are still trying to find your way with him being gone. I won't claim to know how you feel but I it is so hard to move on with life and care about yourself after loosing someone so dear to you. I lost my very best friend and only of many, many years in 2002 and still have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. My point is that you sound very depressed and need someone to talk to about it. If you want to write about it and your life on here then do it if it makes you feel better. We are all here for you no matter what you write. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you. Good job on the tapper and try not to loose your focus. God Bless

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 02:33 PM   #3
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Hey Dodd.

    Thanks for responding, I really need to chat today!
    I lost my husband a year and a half ago. It was not by any means expected, it was that phone call in the middle of the night that *there had been an accident* and his death has so many unresolved issues surrounding it that I will never have answers too. In the beginning that was one of the hardest things for me to deal with... that I wasn't there... I didn't see what happened, I have had to learn to accept that aspect because it is something I have no control over. After he died his x-wife stepped in and took his step-son away from me that he and I had raised. She will not let me see him and this has been absolutely heart wrenching, he was what I had left of my husband. I cannot believe how cruel some people can be. I do not know where he is and have no contact with him. I have lost both of them.

    Enough about that for now.

    Guess what I did?
    THE DISHES!
    THE DARN DISHES!
    I didn't even put them in the dishwasher I washed them by hand, I have not yet dried them but I'm working on it~
    So silly
    To the normal person this would be a no minded task!
    Oh, and I put away the dishes that were in the dishwasher!
    That was HUGE for me!
    Thanks for writing-
    How is your day going?
    Hugs!

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 04:37 PM   #4
    myfacade
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Oh my goodness where is everyone today???

    HELP???

    Having a freak-out day. I feel like the biggest pain in the tail today to all of you but I don't know where else to go or who else to talk to. Atleast when I'm writing on here my hands are busy typing and not popping pills.

    I'm so tired of this life, I mean this life of dependency and not being able to do anything without pills!~ I feel so weak that this tiny thing controls me.
    I just want to be normal.

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 05:39 PM   #5
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Girl, Listen to me....You will be OK...breathe...I know you are going crazy right now...god, I did it c/t and remember not being able to sit still but not having the energy to make my own bed, so you are not alone....forget the housework, cuz ya know what? The house cleaning fairy isn't going to come either, and it will be there tomorrow or even next week....if the floors don't get mopped, will the earth stop turning? Nope...If you push yourself too much and you fall back to the percs, your world may tho'....easy choice to make...screw the housework....grab a good movie, keep tons of fluids in you, and take care of YOU...YOU are what is important here.

    It took real strength for you to make this decision. Don't ever forget that!!


    Your story did make me laugh though...and yes, you are right about the sense of humor thing...I wouldn't be here without mine. Keep that.

    It sounds like you have been through a lot in the last couple of years. You're a very, very strong person. Always remember that, even when you feel weak (and believe me, there will be those times...I'm notorious for them )

    Stay strong girl!!!

    RTBD

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 05:42 PM   #6
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Hey Facade

    Yeah, I was thinking myself that the board is pretty slow today. Facade, o some deep breathing. I am dead serious. You are having anxiety, child, anxiety.

    When I have to deal with the anxiety from the Xanax taper, or any taper, I usually have to get focused in mindless tasks or movements. Physical movement is very distracting and allows the brain to chill out. Take the dog for a walk. Put on some be-bop or whjatever and shake your booty. Sing.

    Anxiety can make us climb walls... like literally! You need a way to express the excess energy anxiety seems to create. Color... someone recently wrote about coloring and I couldn't agree more. I have often in my life used coloring to calm down and chill. Go bake some bread. Call a friend.

    Facade, as I have read the bits and pieces of your story, I know you are in much emotional pain. And I think that sometimes, like me, you are adjusting to too much time at home alone. Can you do some day volunteering to occupy yourself, help yourself and others? Volunteer reading at a library an hour or two a week. we need structure to help us through anxiety from the withdrawal, but it also helps with grief.

    I'll be around for a bit longer. Write back if you want.

    Hugs
    reach

     
    Old 05-09-2007, 06:53 PM   #7
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Hey, sorry I wasn't on earlier. I went looking for a meeting and couldn't find it so I drove around trying to learn the area. My husband and I just moved here and I feel so lost sometimes. I am so sorry about the loss of your husband and your son. Maybe one day he will come looking for you and yes some people can be so cruel. I'm glad you are making yourself do things that is a big step. I should practice what I preach!! LOL!! I will be back on in the am so I will chat more then. Hope you have a good night. Lots of prayers and hugs to you!! God Bless

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 09:13 AM   #8
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Hi guys!

    I'm laughing reach because it was me that mentioned COLORING! LOL... Think maybe I should practice what I preach Dodds???

    Also it made so much sense when RTBD said you have so much anxiety you can't sit still but yet you can't make your bed! SO TRUE!!!!

    Here is how the rest of my night went....
    Kind of quiet, I gave up on you guys, I think you were all watching Idol or something??? LOL.....

    Dried the dishes AND put them away, I was gonna give the pup a bath in the sink but I caught her red-handed in the garbage eating from an open container of bleu cheese dressing and licking the bottom of a bowl that had hot wing sauce left in it so I knew a bath was out of the question because it was only a matter of time before she got sick!
    Soooo cute, soooo bad!
    The looks of a show dog and the manners of a stray dog! LOL....

    I watched back to back episodes of CSI and called it a night at 10:00pm, I was woken by a phone call at 3:00am from an x-boyfriend who *couldn't sleep* I was soooo angry, I have a hard enough time sleeping but didn't want to be harsh with him because he just lost his father. I laid awake fighting the percs calling me for a good hour and a half but I RESISTED and finally fell back to sleep! YEAH ME!!!!

    I wish I could get myself to leave the house today, its been three days since ive been out anywhere, even my mailbox! UGH!
    Why can't I bring myself to go out? It is so silly. I have a couple important phone calls to make as well and I can't bring myself to do it. What the heck?!?!
    Does this happen to any of you? Has this happened to any of you?
    Today I definately feel depressed. I'm doing alot of zoning out. I'm here today physically but not mentally.
    Not in a good frame of mind today.
    Hugs!

     
    Old 05-10-2007, 10:06 AM   #9
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    yes - I stayed in the house for 6 days at my onset, and I didn't even breathe any fresh air, I could have stepped out onto the front or back porch to breathe - how easy is that? but I didn't. And then it was go - go - go, now I am in some sort of a lull. again. I think I am supposed to be creating and I am having a block. Or, Maybe it's like - we're snakes, shedding our skin.

    Whatever it is, it doesn't stay around for long. Physical stuff helps. Take pup out for a walk, see what pup sees, put yourself in pups shoes... a view from another perspective, just to get your mind off yourself for a try...

    hope your night is better
    kadee

    Last edited by kadee; 05-10-2007 at 02:22 PM.

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 11:05 AM   #10
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    morning facade,
    just to let you know, you are doing better than you think you are. I have to run off to my yoga class, else I won't make it. I have some things I want to say when I come back, hope I remember everything in retrospect, anyway, hon, you just keep up with the peeling and unravelling. Bubble bath or epson salt bath will help you a lot on this day.
    talk later
    hang in there
    kadee

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 12:08 PM   #11
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    [FONT="Comic Sans MS"]HEY LADIES! GET FUNKY!
    Just kidding, you guys probably don't remember that song. It was an old pop song that began with guys shouting those words.

    Hi MYFACADE! I like to hear how your doing each day. You sound like me with the clumsiness. There isn't a day that goes by without me spilling my dinner on my shirt or knocking my leg/arm into a wall & creating a bruise.
    I have noticed that u put a quick halt to times when u feel like crying. Girlie, you need to let yourself cry sometimes!! You had said that you feel the need to take care of others & make them think your o.k. But you have to take care of yourself b4 you can be of any real help to those you love. I cry all the time! I love it!
    It's good for the soul
    That is a huge step that you went to store & got ready w/o any pills. I couldn't even get out of bed (when i was in the worst part of addiction) without meds. waiting on the side table. FREAKIN' CRAZY!
    As far as a job, give yourself a little more time to fully detox. You need to feel more stable mentally b4 you get into something that will require your attention.
    Will write more later. Have a few things to do for work.
    I hope all is well with everyone on this board! PEACE OUT>
    FONT]

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 12:27 PM   #12
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Uuummmm.... Maggie?

    I didn't say anything about a job?
    LOL.....

    I'm cracking up over here!
    Hugs!
    MF

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 12:57 PM   #13
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Oh shut your mouth!
    I know i'm crazy. I just got you mixed up w/someone i had previously written to. JEEEZZZZ, i'm a youngin' and i still can't keep up with this stuff! Don't u find this confusing! I'll go into one of these things & read stuff & go into another & read stuff, then i respond & obviously mix things up a bit with who said what!
    I'm obviously only going to be able to communicate with like 2 people in order not to offend anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! heeheee
    Was everything else i said pertaining to u?
    If not, don't tell me, don't remind me of how blonde i really am.

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 03:56 PM   #14
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    LOL...
    From one blond to another, you got everything else right, I think.

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 05:27 PM   #15
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    Re: This is INSANE!!!! What am I doing???

    Hi Facade
    Glad I made the class on time and even went to a 12 step meeting after, not that I wanted too, I usually do things in opposites, if I want to use, I go to a meeting, if I want to go to a meeting, I go to Yoga or the gym.

    So, ok, you asked for it, not sure if I want to share my dirty laundry with everyone, but what the hey, if it helps, then that is a good thing, those first 6 days, went on for 14. What I did, I remember only because I wrote it down. I was in Detox on 2 other occasions, I didn't want to go this time around, cause I figured it would be like Strike 3, 'your out.' So, I opened up a red Hilary notebook and I charted the times in the margins, pretending I was the nurse with the clipboard charting my BM's, that's how they know you are getting better,the texture, color, consistency, frequency - warned you - dirty laundry- and in the body of the paper, I went further, I described the exact time of all symptoms of W/D and feelings and what I was going on while I was, cold, shivering, sweating, sticky, sloppy, cold, cold cold, naps, hot n sticky, hot flashes, yawning, watery eyes, naps, naps, runny nose, sneezing, coughing, dehydrated, lopsy and mopsy, exhausted, clumsy and dropsy, energy zapps, disquisted, suffering, intestine cramping, diaherah, nightmares, anxiety attacks, epson salt baths 2 or 3 times a day, helping on the board, feel like taking a pill, feel like taking a drink, what I ate, what I dreamt, how I slept, cluster headaches with fireflies flashing, really bad for the first 5 days, then, they went away. read about David Bucholz book called Heal Your Headache, the 1 - 2 -3 Program. A book about what you do intensionally that causes your headaches and what to eat and do to prevent them .

    The good news - I did not throw up.

    I was in a position to do this because I do not have any major physical pain management at hand, I'm all mental and emotional.

    I did it that way, because I could read how I was getting better, and then at the onset of the 3rd week good feelings and energies and thoughts and dreams came back to me, because during all that hell, I was really looking after myself with extra water, enough to fill a reservoir, all kinds of herb teas, detox tea, peppermint and chamomile, warm milk and honey to sleep, proper nutrition during the day, extra veges and fruits, vitamins, etc, etc..

    Never wrote a thread this long.(gasp) And yes, I would say agoraphobia would be a good reason why I didn't go out, even today, it takes a lot, I have to really push myself, I am quite fearful most of the time, so I pray and pray and grab hold of faith and let her guide me. I tend to isolate if I don't push myself to do the opposite. Why would I want to be around toxic people and get their weird energies all over me, if I have too much of it as it is. And, yes, I stayed in my jamies, but I had to change them because they were soaking, stinking, sweating wet. I'd look at myself in the mirror and say, who the h--- are you. As time goes, you take another look and you start seeing someone who looks better than the hour before, and then the day before, then you see the little sparkles come back into your eyes, and that makes you feel really great, for all that hard work, and you start to recognize that someone whom you left behind, like a pot out in the rain, slowly you take ownership back of who you are. And start rolling and living life, on life's terms.

    And just recently I reread my daytox,detox cause of something RTBD said, and what a reminder that was to stay the way I am right now. C & S. No doubt! you say. Least we forget.

    And so - about your friend and your night out without the pills, here is a little perspective that Leslie Charles wrote:

    If you don't like yourself, you may try to hide this fact from other people. One way to do that is to wear a mask, you pretend to like yourself. Most of the time, other people can tell when you were a mask. They would rather see the real you.

    Wearing a mask is hard on you for two reasons. First, you are always acting. You try to be someone you are not. Acting is a lot of work and can cause stress. Second, if people like your mask self, then you still feel bad about yourself. Why? Because they like who you pretend you are - not who you really are.

    Perspective
    I don't have to have it all or be it all
    I don't need to do it all or know it all
    What I do need is to know who I am
    know what I want
    know what makes me happy
    and know how to get my needs met
    If I can do that successfully

    All the rest will fall into place.

    Also I am a firm believer of the 12 Step Program. I know for a fact that my Step 1,2 and 3 helped me get through all of that.

    That's the biggest morsel I have ever written about my self-centred personal-myself-self..
    Hope it wasn't too much too chew and digest.

    take extra special treasurable care

    (gasp! a sigh and a hug)
    kadee

    Last edited by kadee; 05-11-2007 at 05:44 PM.

     
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