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    Old 05-24-2007, 05:22 PM   #1
    shelley7491
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    Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    I really Really want to stop this **** I just cant I really dont want to die but am so affraid I am going to and all I can do is take another 4-5-9 pills. Why cant I just take 1-2 why do I feel I must empty the bottle just because I have it?? I dont even get high anymore I just keep taking them hoping the pain will go away or that I will be happy with the next handful. Why am I soooo STUPID what is this Sub everyone keeps talking about will it help someone like me who takes soooo much stuff I know its gota hurt to WD but if I found something to make it not hurt sooo bad maybe it would be easier What a cop out I am I do the bad stuff but dont want to pay to get clean, I really think if I could go to sleep one day and wake up 2 weeks later all the WDs gone I wouldnt abuse again I hope I wouldnt be that dumb just the patches on the skin not in the mouth to help my cronic pain I know I cant go with out anything and untill that "GREAT FRIEND" told me to suck on them they were working ok I really want to stop all the craziness Sorry for the ramble I have noone else to talk to Please forgive me

     
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    Old 05-24-2007, 05:59 PM   #2
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    First are you talking about fentanly patches? Second If you want to stop you can! You just have to make the choice. Subutex/suboxon is another form of opitiate to ween you from what you are on or to keep you on maintience. You should talk to someone like a Dr. or counsler to help you. Turn to your higher power that will help you also. God Bless.

     
    Old 05-24-2007, 06:09 PM   #3
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Your sucking on Fentynal patches? You have heard about all the people dying from that right? I mean I only say that because I don't want you to be one of them.

    Making the decision to quit is tough. The withdrawals are horrible - I am not going to lie to you about that. But when you are truly sick of your life being the way it is - you will do it. No matter what it takes. That is what I did. I had to make a choice between a "nothing" life - or a "wonderful" life - being clean. I have been clean for 14 years - but I still remember every single day of my detox - it is just that bad. Sorry - wish I could lie and tell you it was easy - BUT - it is also what keeps me from going back.

    I wish you well hun - gosh - please don't suck on those fentanal patches - please don't become another victim. Have the chance to detox - not die.

    My hugs to you as you are making this decision.

     
    Old 05-24-2007, 06:31 PM   #4
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Oh sweetie...don't put yourself down so badly! I understand though I do the same. First of all, you don't need to apologize for your feelings and rambling, I'm pretty sure that's why we all are here...to support each other, even when rambling!

    I have to take it all too, knowing all the time I will run out and feel like crap, when I could just take them as prescribed and keep an even flow coming....but it's not as "fun" that way! And yes, you don't even feel them really anymore, but we just keep taking them....Also called "chasing the high" We want to experience and feel the way we did the first few times we did it, and it just won't work. So we go off of them for awhile or run out or whatever, then get some more, and after a little bit without, we do get a similar high when we get them again. But only a time or two, then we're chasing the high again!
    I can totally relate to not wanting to experience the painful w/d's....we don't like pain and to hurt, that's why we like the pain meds! I've heard about the Sublexon (?) too, but don't know much about it. Apparantly though, it's a pretty good deal. Maybe someone else can tell you more.

    I wish there was a majic pill to take to quit taking the majic pills! I've gotten off of them a hundred times, then go back. I've done it alone, at nice rehabs, and at county rehabs....i just seem to like the things, but I know, too they will eventually kill me too...With me, there were things that hurt real bad along time ago and I was introduced to pain meds (even before pot or anything like that), I found a way to not hurt so bad anymore and I never forgot it...
    I obviously don't have all the answers, but I do have a shoulder and ears and lots of understanding...as do alot of people here I've noticed. You ARE NOT ALONE! There is a better day, and until you can find it as well as me and the others, we are here for you and each other. So cry all you want, be mad, feel sorry, we've all done it and are doing it! It WILL be okay and you'll get there, but most of all you have to learn to forgive yourself! It's not your fault. You're not a bad person, you're a person with a bad problem.

     
    Old 05-24-2007, 06:42 PM   #5
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Hi Shelle~
    I wanted to say that I feel your pain so badly...Is there ANY ANY way you can go to rehab? ANY? please let me know? I am so afraid for your life....there are ways to help ppl get the help they need. I know you want to live or you wouldnt be here. Ive been following your posts, and today my heart broke for you, but I am here to help you get the help you need ok? Please, there are ppl that go thru rehab for chronic pain...IM a chonic pain patient and sometimes we just need some help! You are NOT a bad person like the latter stated...youve just got a hell of a problem, and we are here to HELP you sister! All or nothing mentality is horrible if you are tying to get off meds..
    Can I ask what state you are in? Maybe i can help you find a placed that can help you! Dont stop posting....
    xoxoxoxoxox,
    IZZY'SMOM

    Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 05-24-2007 at 07:22 PM.

     
    Old 05-24-2007, 09:38 PM   #6
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    Exclamation Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Hey again Shelle,

    I think Izzy'smom is really smart here...I must tell you, I too am a chronic pain sufferer...I was literally run over by a car Thanksgiving of '05...at that time I had been a heavy drinker for years-actually heavy is putting it very mildly. I have not drank since...but, have had to take pain meds for the last year and a half.....I sustained a broken pelvis, broken knee, L-5 vertebrae, and ankle....so I have had to be on some hard core stuff and have a very large tolerance from so many years of abuse of many drugs, mainly pain meds and alcohol.
    I have been through about 10 or so rehabs and detox facilities..kid you not....
    This is going to sound hypacritical or something, but they work! They really do. I have also detoxed on my own which is the worst....I have been to rehabs with insurance and been to ones without that were state funded...Of course the insured ones are the best, you are treated very well and endure hardly any discomfort....The state funded ones of course are not as easy, but they beat doing it alone at home without meds to come off with....
    I really think Izzy'smom has a very good idea that you might want to consider...and let her help you...
    You sound so alone and sad and I know how that feels...and to feel like no body REALLY knows or understands ME or how I feel. But we do sweetie, we really do....
    And take it from the ones who DO know because we HAVE been there, that detox is the best thing anyone in your and our situation can do....and it's not just that you go to detox and they throw you back out in the world to fend for yourself....they have follow up programs that are terrific (and I'm not talking AA or NA...) I mean intensive outpatient therapy.....It's really awesome, and they can lead you from everything as to the why's, to the how';s, lead you to jobs if you need, housing if you need, all kinds of stuff....
    Like I said...I've been in real elite rehabs and then in state rehabs where I did need a job and housing....
    But either way...they are truelly worth it....and they will trully minimize the pain and make it as comfortable as possible...
    But whatever you do ....don't do this alone! There is alot of help out there and here is a very good start....Izzy'smom is willing to hellp you in any way as well as me and I'm sure anyone here....
    Shelle~ I did do this alone with alcohol and almost died...alcohol leaves your system so fast that your body goes into shock...I had halucinations for 3 days thinking someone was in my house and snakes were all over...I called the police out 3 times, they made me go to the hospital...luckily...I had almost no potassium and was just about dead. I continues to halucinate for 2 more days in the hospital before they stabilized me....Not only is it physically dangerous, but you also NEED SOMEONE with you-for support, Dont be afraid to tell someone what's happening, you will be surprised how truelly supportive people are, and if you don't hve anyone, you DO HERE...
    The first time I went to rehab, I had to admit to my mother and my husband (at the time) that I was an alcoholic and had been drinking at home all day everyday and was starting to throw up blood...I was scared to death, especially to tell my husband...I just knew he would leave me, and think less of me.....He didn't much to my surprise, and my mother became my biggest supporter...You will be surprised at how understanding people really are in crisis...Like I said before...Don't Blame Yourself! It's none of our faults...we did not sign up for this on God's plan....we didn't dream of being hooked as children....it happened, but it CAN BE FIXED!
    Do you live in the states? If so try looking up a site under "SAMAHA"....I forget what the letters stand for, but they have listings of every single rehab and detox available in the united states....insured and not.....I will see if I can find their website.....
    But hang in there! and take Izzy's advice!! PLEASE!
    You are gonna be okay, and we all can help.....you just gotta let us....we want to hear from you! xoxoxo!

     
    Old 05-24-2007, 11:12 PM   #7
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Hey Shay girl!
    You remind me of a dear friend whos name is....you guessed it Shay! We havent gotten to keep in touch a lot, but she is a chronic pain buddy and a friend to the end of the world to me, so when you gave me the kindest kudos, that ive gotten for a LONG time, i was and am SO very touched!

    For our dear sister Shelle-belle, I am glad you are here as well as everyone else for her....
    So Shelley girl, I just want you to know that you can go this alone, but ppl that are trying to shake this horrible monkey and are on way less things than you, and are having a terrible time of it....I really want to state again that inpatient would do wonders for you...if you would think about it...its your life, and i want you to live...
    First of all...for the wirthdrawls....but secondly for the foundation that you will need so much when you get out or off of this terrible grasp of the meds...
    Dont think I dont know...I am a chronic pain patient...Ive tried to get myself off of these devils that asctually give me life....isnt that a terrible thing to say?
    I hope you are reading our responses, and I mean it....I AM HERE FOR YOU...you sound so very at the end of your rope, and Ill help you, as well as others, here...
    There are some ppl here who know my story, and know that my best friend and her son age 9 both drowned on mothers day, and now I have TWO more kiddies besides my own..ages 9 and 5.....So I cant be sick, hurt ect..I can barely get myself up in the mornings and now I have 3 kiddies under 11 to tend with...
    Shelle...If you always have to take everything there is, then what are you going to do when there is NO MORE....please...dont ride this crazy ride any more...let us be here for you, and I truley want to help you... please, if this is rambling and hard to follow, Im so sorry...its been a long nite...
    Ill be here for you, ok?
    tons of luv and prayers....
    xoxoxoxoxo
    IZZY'SMOM
    !!

    Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 05-24-2007 at 11:17 PM.

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 09:12 AM   #8
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Hey Shelley, I have more time to talk today. I have two young babies who keep me busy so my post are short sometimes. I was on opitiates for about a year and when I quit I was on Fetnaly. I would have one patch on each leg and sucking on another. So I do understand what you are going through. I hid my addiction from everyone around me. When I first started taking opitiates I was only taking about 3 a day and in the end as much as I could. I was completely out of control. I spent so much time thinking about how I was going to get my next rx filled early or how I could convice my Dr. to write me another rx. It was awfull. I have never been a real God person before but I was to a point where I had nowhere else to turn but to a higher power who I call God. I fell asleep listening to Jesus Take The Wheel by Carrie Underwood and begged him to take the wheel. I tlod him that at this point I didn't care what it took. A few hours later I was making arrangements with my Dr. to go into rehab. This was my first time going into rehab (April 9 2007) and I was so scared but this turned out to be the most rewarding experience of my life. I met some of the best people and realized I could have fun being sober. Where I was I had a lot of freedom. You could go outside if you wanted whenever you wanted. If I would have know that rehab was that much fun I would have went a long time ago. LOL!! It wasn't a pretty place but the walls around me didn't matter it was the care that I recieved. When I first got there I was sitting on the front porch smoking a cigerette and some young pregnant girl scared the S*** out of me. She told me to sleep with one eye opened because people would steal my stuff. I had not been checked in yet so I got in my car and left crying my eyes out because I knew I was going to die in a matter of time. Well, a counsler named Bob called me and ask me to come back and talk to him and I did because it was either talk to him or die. Of course I didn't want to die so I went back. He told me something that I will never forget. He said - First off you have to remember where you are. You are in a place where everyone is addicts and most addicts lie and steal. Second and most important this place is full of love and help and a grave is dark and cold and lonely. A prison is full of everything and an institution is a permanant home. It is you choice between A B or C. Of course I chose A rehab. The best thing I have ever done. They put me on subutex (it is an opitiate) for 7 days to bring me down slowley and ween me from the other stuff. It worked great. They also gave me something for the anxitiy that goes with the detox. I did have some w/d's after I was done with the subutex but not nearly as bad as it would have been if I had gone c/t. I am still clean with it being one day at a time and all the support I get from this site and I also go to NA meetings. If I would have know that life is so much easier on this side I would have come here long before I did. Anyway, my point is you have come here for help and I hope my story helps you. You can get help and you can get clean and you can live a better, healthy life. Nomore Can't!!! You Can. Get on the phone and start making arrangments with someone ASAP! Fentanly is some dangerous stuff and if you are eating them then it is only a matter of time before you end up in a grave. I am not trying to scare you I am just warning you. I was in rehab with so many people who had friends that died from fentanly abuse. It is one of the strongest drugs out there and is used for people who are dying from cancer and other very painfull deaths. I will say a prayer for you and if I can help you more I will. If you are heading down the wrong path then God allows U-Turns. He also answers Knee-Mail.

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 09:39 AM   #9
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Thank you soo much for the support I have got to where I start my day checking this board and I feel like I know some of you and with noone in the real world knowing what is going on with me it sure makes me feel better to tell you guys. Izzysmom Im in CA but am sooo afraid of anyone finding out about my prob and I am afraid I will lose my job if I have to be off work and my hubby is disabled and has no income so I wi=ork 2 jobs to suport the family I have 2 beautifull kids also. Loretta38 yes I know that ppl die from sucking on fentanyl and sometimes as much pain as Im in I wish I were one of them but God has other plans for me I guess. I have been an addict for years I started right out of HS doing crank ,meth,coke snoting first then shooting it I stopped on my own after I met hubby and fell in love with him and he diednt have any Idea that I did drugs so I stopped. was clean for about 2-3 yrs and then hurt my back "intro viccodin" the dr even keep me on it during my pregnancy due to extreem pain after birth of my daughter a "friend" turned me on to Soma man mixed with Vics I was hooked my hubby noticed how waisted I was all the time and told me to choose my family or my pills so I stopped for a few months hard as hell but didnt want to loose my family. Then my back went real bad the Dr said I needed surgury 6screws and 2 bars lower lumbar fusion back on pills when they didnt work they put me on Fentanyl patched=s and Percocet. Failes back surg is what they say I have now along with Fibromialga and Animia QAnd severe Restless legg they pain got worse and a friend had some Oxycontin 40mg and started giving me his script for 120 of them a month pluss 25 Fent 100mg patches and 120 Percocets another friend has Oxy80 mg and gives me 20 -60 of these a month my hubby gets 140 Narcos and 240 Methidone a month and he doesnt take them so I do and 60 Ambian 5mg and a friends 30 Ambien CR 12.5 I end up taking all of this and wanting more I cant stop if there is any left in the bottle I cew up the Oxys hoping they will work faster Its just soooo frustrating I still hurt nothing helps the pain zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzthanks for listining I just wanted to be honest and open noone in the world knows what I am doing I just needed to see it all again WHY AM I STILL ALIVE 7 yrs of that I should be dead

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 09:44 AM   #10
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    If you don't do something about it soon then you will be. You can hide your addiction and keep using and end up dead where shame and embarresment will not matter much anymore or you can come clean and get your life together so your children have a mommy to grow up with.

    Last edited by doddsgirl1; 05-25-2007 at 09:53 AM.

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 09:59 AM   #11
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Oh god, you need help..those fentanyl patches alone can kill u plus all that other stuff you wont have a chance. Please call around for an inpatient rehab. keep re-reading dodds post. she did it, you can too. Please call..they will help you.

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 11:14 AM   #12
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Hi Shelley:
    I'm Paul and I'm scared for you... You are taking a lot of stuff, Shelley. I've lost both my Uncle and my cousin to overdoses, and as much as it pains me to say, you are on that same path.
    However, please don't despair, there IS help out there - even for you.
    Step 1. Acknowledge your worth. You are worth saving, your life is worth living.
    Step 2. Seek help - You seem to have a couple of guardian angels here (Doddsgirls, Shay, Loretta and most of all IZZY'SMOM). These people have been in your shoes. You're here, so you know that you are serious in wanting help. I can't stress enough that you are in need of supervised detox. You are just on too much stuff to try to do it alone.
    I've heard wonderful things about Subuxone, and other forms of medically supervised detox methods. In sever cases, some clinics may even medically induce sleep cycles that alleviate many of the most severe w/d symptons. A program like this may help ease the pain, but you MUST know going in, that no matter what, it won't be easy, it can't... how can anything so worthwhile come so easy - it just doesn't happen. Think of it like Cable TV - I loves me some TV, especially high-def TV, but in order to fully enjoy it, I have to work to make money to pay for it - nothing comes to us for free. If you think about it, even a couple months of pain is worth it, when the outcome is life over death. I lost my Father when I was 12. I've had issues all my life about that. My father had cancer - he fought it like a mdman for 4 years. If he didn't fight, he would have lasted 1 year. His desire to live, gave me 3 more years with my Dad at a time in my life where it made the most impact on me to have him here. Fight for your life, fight for your kids.... please get professional help. Please take IZZY'SMOM offer to help find a place for you...
    All of us, we've been in that dark place, many of us have found the light, some of us are just reaching for it as hard as we can.
    You MUST take advantage of your desire NOW... if you wait another week, you could be A) Dead, or B) Not interested in getting clean anymore.
    What I've learned is this: I used to pop my pills, get high and say "maybe tommorrow.... I'll be strong enough to take that first step". That never works. What works is "I'm going to take that first step NOW, NOT TOMMORROW BUT NOW!". In your case this could be as simple as making a phone call.
    From where you are the light seems the furthest away. But that's because you haven't yet taken one step out of the whole. As soon as you do, you will feel a million times lighter, and before you know it, you would have taken 3 steps, and the light will be visible. Once it's visible, I promise you will reach for it.
    This is the most important thing I will write all day - more important than my own posts.
    Stay with us Shelley....

    I wish you love and peace and help,
    PD

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 12:55 PM   #13
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Shelley - can I give you another reason to decide to quit right now. My Mom - I love her dearly - but my Mom always was in cronic pain. Migraines - muscle aches - arthritis - you name it. Me and my five brothers all watched her pop pain pills after pain pills her whole life. Still does - xanax too. She is 74 years old and if I call her at 9:00pm - she sounds wasted. Slurring her words - she has had two strokes - so I always wonder - "Is she having a stroke or just wasted on drugs".

    My point in this is - I learned my habit from her. 12 years ago - she was allergic to Morphine - doctor had just given her 100mg tabs to take with 18 months of refills. He had her taking 6 a day - so when you picked up the 30 day prescription - you had 180 pills. I told her I had a migraine - she handed me the bottle and said take them - refill them - they might help.

    Want to know the kicker - I am the only one of six kids that are clean. My five brothers use coke - pot - extreme sex - pills. We learned from her.

    Do you want that for your kids Shelley? I don't want it for your kids - they pick up on things - they learn from watching you. Mom's have an extra influence on them.

    Sweetie - I have been there - you have done it before - please - for the sake of God - please call someone and quit. Don't die - don't leave that legacy to your kids. Please. I will pray for you - I will check this board everyday - I will talk to you. It isn't easy - but your kids watching you get buried won't be easy either hun. I am not trying to hurt you - I just want you to think about it. Please - for me - will you do that. I love ya and I don't even know you - I am praying for you. Please consider long and hard what I just told you - because it is just the plain truth. I want better for you. My super big hugs to you.

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 01:04 PM   #14
    shelley7491
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Im soo scared I dont want to die I dont want to leave my kids I dont want to do this anymore I am just such a wuss when it comes to pain I cant handle it> I know nothing comes easy and thats what scares me Im not good at doing things that are hard thats why Im in this spot in my life I just cant handle it Thank you all for being here for me you are alll Angels I dont know what I would have done if I hadnt found you I am at least trying not to take as many med s as before I keep seeing people say how hard it is to get off 25 -30 of Meth or 40-60 of Vic's and it scares the hell out of me how am I gona do this

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 01:09 PM   #15
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    Re: Why do I feel like I need to take it all???

    Hey Shelley, I am so glad you are back. I know you are scared and I know you can do this. If you go into rehab then they will give you stuff to ease the pain. I was where you are not long ago. I abused alcohol before I turned to the drugs my whole life. This is the first time in my life minus being pregnant that I have been sober. Can I help you find a center near you?

     
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