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    Old 09-27-2007, 12:28 AM   #16
    emsmom
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey diezel,

    I'll be going back tomorrow (to the hospital) to have another procedure performed - to remove the cells via cryotherapy (freezing/burning) and hopefully all will go well. I have a very bad infection at the moment - which is why I have to wait to have the "main" surgery. My doctor can't cut me open and remove the cancerous parts when my body can't fight the current infection. Thats just asking for more trouble.

    I won't say anymore - cause this post should only be about addiction, however the stress I'm going through regarding my surgeries and hospital stays, is making it SO tough to NOT fall back into the quicksand.......

    Believe me, I've pondered at least 50 times - to go and get some oxy's. I am so stressed out, so depressed, worried, scared etc. that it would be SO easy to justify buying those little green pills and finally having a "good" day I put the sad face there, cause the thought makes me so sad. I could actually justify popping a couple oxy's because of all the stress I'm under

    I had an opportunity to get something for the pain while I was in the hospital. I declined. I was so proud of myself. My doctor offered me morphine every 4-6 hours (at my discretion) as well as 1-2 percocets every 4 hours. Can you believe I said no?!? My gyn-oncologist has no idea about my addiction, nor do I plan to tell her (unless I find myself "wanting" to ask her for pain meds - hubby and I already discussed this) at least not yet, anyway.

    I am a wreck right now I am going through withdrawal (and you all know what I'm talking about) so imagine having to stay in a hospital room with someone else who also has cancer and IS receiving pain meds It was/is SO tough. My roomie talked a little about her cancer, and the little button she pushes if she needs more morphine. Alot of times, I'd go out for a smoke or pretend I had an important call to make regarding work - if she started talking about narcotics (I just couldn't take it)

    My stay would have been a little better if I had a private room - however there weren't any available. Hubby and I have insurance coverage for a private room but they were all taken. I really do feel this was a test for me.

    I was in quite alot of pain (from the infection) and my doctor mentioned several times about pain meds - but I just said no thanks and stuck to advil and tylenol. She told me I was a trooper and was VERY surprised that I declined narcotic pain meds considering the severity of the infection, and the amount of pain she anticipated I was in. Wow, she was SO correct!

    Thanks for your concern diezel - your support is greatly appreciated. I have to be at the hospital early in the morning, so I'm off to bed. I took NyQuil about an hour ago - and its hitting me like a Mack truck now lol.

    I hope everyone is fast asleep in their comfy beds right now - not experiencing any wd's (like I am ) I'll be able to go online at the hospital. I am bringing my laptop - and can use it in any of the lounges So, pending privacy and/or firewalls for certain websites - I'll be in touch, and thank you to all who have read this. Also thanks in advance for your replies...at this point, I "really" need some thoughts and suggestions - I am so afraid that I'll have a set-back (I even picked up my phone today and started dialing "a number" but hung up quickly and went for a walk).

    Well, have a great day everyone,
    Sincerely,
    emsmom

    Last edited by emsmom; 09-27-2007 at 12:37 AM.

     
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    Old 09-27-2007, 04:24 AM   #17
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    EMS MOM, You are awesome! What strength and determination you have!
    You should be so proud of yourself. I'm off hydrocode for a month and have not had to deal with real pain. I don't think I could have turned down the meds if I was in pain. I;m so sorry for your cancer. My thoughts and prayers are with you for your recovery of the cancer and addiction.

    Best wishes!

    JB

    Last edited by granny0; 09-27-2007 at 04:26 AM.

     
    Old 09-27-2007, 09:06 AM   #18
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Thank you JB, thank you so much. That means alot - to hear someone say that

    Its been tough, to say the least, however I know I can do this. I am so scared to be dependent on opiates again. Although I'm still tapering, my doctors are amazed at how quickly I've tapered down - in such a short time.

    I'll be going to a rehab centre, once I'm completely tapered off the oxy's. I feel its a great decision - not only to get off them, but to STAY off them.

    I have my nurse coming in a few mins, she'll be here once a day (its the only way I can avoid having to stay in the hospital)...

    I'll be in touch

    emsmom

     
    Old 09-27-2007, 09:23 AM   #19
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    diezel,
    LOL! I am not 30 mins away.. I live in Baker County.. Macclenny, FL. I used to work in Jax, and my Doctor is in Jax.. I'm sorry to hear about the cravings..but you know that it's completely normal. It's part of recovery.. and you're right, it is probably because of you being almost off of the sub. You only have to go back to your first post to keep you away.. just never forget what you have had to go through to get to this point.. and remember where you were when you realized you could go no lower without dying.. Me, I'm on 16mg a day, 1 in the am and 1 at pm. The Dr is supposed to switch me to suboxone this coming Tuesday, and he says that I've passed the hard part.. but I tell ya, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I'm getting a little scared now, reading about the w/d from sub, but hopefully with my Dr tapering me, it won't be that bad.. he told me that every day I would feel a little better, and so far that's been the truth. So I guess I have to trust him. And I'm trusting in GOD to get me through this. I'm like you, I tried many times to get off lortab or even the methadone by myself, but I would just get too sick. So that's why I had to do it this way.. I was an isolated user, believe it or not no one in my family knew I was using! And the weird part is, I think they liked me better when I was on it! I've got to get used to the new me so I guess I have to give them time to get used to me too.. Hang in there, we can only take things day by day..

    g8trgrl

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 02:33 PM   #20
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Dear Diezel,
    I replyed to a post to EMS Mom earlier but had not gone far enough to read your thread. I brought me to tears because so many things you said hit home. My addiction to hyrdo never reached the point yours did. Actually, up until I ran out month ago and went thru withdrawal, did not realize the actual depth of my addiction. I've deceived my loved ones but have not got myself in trouble. No one knows of my addiction. I was only taking 2 - 4 at the most a day for 2 yrs. I'm so ashamed and could see myself heading down the path you went. I thank you, you dear man, for your story and honesty and will continue to check and read this thead. I have an ache in my heart the size of Texas right now. The demons in my head - I want to never resume taking pain pills again but crave them horribly and have some coming in the mail any day now (I hope I don't get banned for saying that). My sensible self says I am going to destroy them when they arrive. My demon says, maybe I can control it and just take them occasionally like having drink. I pray to God that my sensible self is in place when they come.
    I'm praying for you, everyone on this site and myself.
    JB

    Last edited by granny0; 09-30-2007 at 02:36 PM.

     
    Old 10-03-2007, 11:03 PM   #21
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey everybody what's up? Sorry I have note responded to your most recent posts I have been extremely busy with my new job. I have to take a licensing exam to be able to sell securities, and I take my test on the 22cnd. I have been staying late at the office to study and take practice exams. It is good and bad. Bad because I don't have much time to come on here to make sure everybody is doing ok and to say but it is good because staying busy helps me keep my mind off of my addiction. I have been so busy I have not had time to think about it so therfore I am doing a little better this week then I was last week, but it is one day at a time right. Emsmom I hope you are feeling better, and staying strong. G8trg how are you doing? Are you staying strong? Granny0 welcome to our little post support group it is nice to have someone new to the group. I am glad my story helped you. Pass it to long to anyone you want or send people to the post to read it. Sorry I am not able to write more, but it is late and I am exhausted so I have to hit the hey. I will try to post tomorrow or Friday though with more to make sure everybody is really doing ok. Plus I have my addicts annoymous twelve step class and meeting tomorrow, which I am sure bring up things I will want to get out later. Stay strong and be well!!!!!

     
    Old 10-04-2007, 07:21 AM   #22
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    diezel,

    Thanks for checking on us.....................

    I am so glad you are keeping busy. I have been thinking of things I am going to do to get myself busy. I love to decorate so I thought perhaps doing some painting, planning a new bedroom, things like that to think about would be good.

    Keep checking in, it is great to have your support.

     
    Old 10-04-2007, 07:24 AM   #23
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    diezel,
    I was wondering what happened to you! I am staying strong, today is day 21 off the methadone. It is great that you are staying so busy you don't have time to think about anything. I'm trying to do that as well, but sometimes do not succeed. I'm having some pain in my back and lower legs...I don't know if it's phantom pain, or if it's real. Just started suboxone Tuesday, so I'm on the road to tapering.. Keep in touch! Want to see how you are doing..

    Brandi

     
    Old 10-04-2007, 12:47 PM   #24
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Diezel

    wow you have come a long way it must be great i too am a long time opiate user and have been clean going on a month. i can relate to everyones stories many of them i can reflect in my own life. Just remember it is easy to destroy something and very hard to create. We are all God's children and together we can help one another reach our goals. Thank you for sharing someday i too will share my story right now i am still taking 2mg sub and weaning down still dont feel totally myself but heck it took me 20 years to destroy my self how can i fix it in a month right gotta keep moving !

    take care

    wireman

     
    Old 10-04-2007, 04:39 PM   #25
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hi all,

    Just wanna say that I've read the "quicksand" story so many times over the past couple weeks. It has helped me tremendously.

    I keep reading everyone's posts - but don't write about me as much as I'd like to.

    g8trgrl - I'm so proud of you, you're doing a great job! Kepp it up, I wish you all the luck in the world.

    Wireman - I read your thread - Wow, good for you! Please keep us all posted. Your story has had an impact on me.

    Diezel - I hope you're doing well. I've looked for more posts from you - anticipating your encouraging words. Hope all is well, and hope to see you soon.

    Good luck to everyone, and God bless.

    Hugs,
    emsmom

    Last edited by emsmom; 10-04-2007 at 10:27 PM.

     
    Old 10-09-2007, 10:56 PM   #26
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    How is everybody keeping up? It has been longer then usual, and I was worried about everyone, because I have not been able to see how everyone is doing. Tapergal I hope you have been succesful in finding ways to keep busy it helps so much, an un busy mind is the devils playground and he will put all sorts of ideas in your head. Try getting involved in an old hobby again or find a new one. I stopped doing all the things I loved when I was on drugs, and so I not only found new hobbies to keep me busy, but returned to some old ones as well. At least the ones that I can still do. That was part of my problem and what lead to my addiction getting worse, that is I was not able to do a lot of the things I used to when I got hurt that, that drove me nuts. G8trgrl I am so happy for you that is so awesome that you are doing so well. I know you can keep up the good work. I have recently celebrated four months of being sober! I have really been cutting back on the amount of Suboxone I have been taking my doctor still has me on the same amount, but if I don't need one I don't take one. I have had several days where I have only taken one half a pill, and normally I take three. I had to take three today as I did not feel well (was having withdrawal type symptoms), and my body really hurt. The weather in Jacksonville has been awful the last couple days and that might be part of it as well, but today was nice so it is tough to say. Keep up the good work though g8tr you can do it! I am so happy for you so happy Wireman congrats on getting started, and I appreciate the support. I know it seems like I have come along way, and I guess all things considered I have, but I still have such a long way to go. If you ever need support or just need to get something off your chest post a message on this thread the whole group is pretty good about keeping tabs on everybody, and really help support each other. I consider everybody here to be part of my little online support group and more importantly my friends. Emsmom how are you doing? I hope you are feeling better and have an by your side watching over you and taking care of you. I am so glad that my story has offered you so much support during this time of trials. I can't believe how strong you have been. Well I can, because I know how important staying clean is to me, and know that it is that important to you as well. I know that, that does not make it any easier, but at least it makes it worth it. The things that are most valued in life are the things that we had to work the hardest for. I will keep you, and of course everyone else in my thoughts and prayers. I went to my addictions anonymous meeting last week, and it was good but tough at the same time. It helps for me to talk about things and get support through others, but at the same time it makes me think about all my past mistakes. We were talking about pride, and how pride at times is what keeps us from getting the help we need. I thought about it and realized when friends, who made me get help or told me that it was the best thing for me to do, ask me how I am doing and/or say I sound like I am doing better I find myself wanting to say I am not doing better and that everything is the same, because my pride does not want to let me admit that they were right and that I did need help and that I do feel better, that I wasn't myself and that now I feel like the person I once was again. It is also tough thinking about that because when I say I am doing better and that I feel better it is not that I feel great or even good it is just that I feel again period. The biggest reasons for my addiction and reasons why my addiction got so bad is that I was so bitter, angry, sad, and depressed at a time when I had more pills accesible to me. My whole life I was known to everyone as the happy go lucky guy, who always had a smile on his face. So when for the first time in my life I was not I did not know what to do with myself. I tried so hard, so so so hard to feel happy. I begged and pleaded with my heavinly father to make me feel like me again. I tried everything and anything to make me feel like myself, and I could not and it drove me crazy, and made my negative feelings get even worse. The pain of the feelings literally tore me apart inside it was such a flood of emotions that I had never felt before that my body was just over loaded and like a circuit breaker just shut down. I could not take it anymore, and so I figured if I could not feel happy then I did not want to feel at all. Thats what the pills did for me. They did not make me feel happy, they just simply made me not feel, they made me numb to everything, and everybody. I was not happy, but at least I was not sad, bitter, depressed, and angry. Now when I tell people I feel better it is not that I necesarrily feel great, good, or happy it is that I feel again period. I do feel sad sometimes for my passed mistakes, I do just feel lousy some days because my body does not get the drug it used to, I do feel like an awful person some days, but then there are days when I feel happy, when I feel like the good person that I really am, when I feel optomistic about my future, and when I feel so great to wake up and not need drugs to get going. I feel, I feel everything, and I feel great whether I am having a good day or a bad day, because I know that I am on the right track. I know that I am doing what is right, and I know that if I can continue on the path I am going that I will eventually walk all the quicksand off of me and have it way behind me, and that makes me feel. Speaking of feelings and things of that nature. Have any of you ever felt withdrawn or like you wanted to be alone or like you did not know what you wanted anymore as you became more sober? I mean when I was on drugs I became very isolated, which was the exact opposite of how I was when I was not on them, but I have felt like that was part of being on drugs and having my whole life revolve around when, where, and how I was going to get my drugs. However recently have been feeling like this and it has been tough. Latly I have really just felt like being alone. I don't know how to explain it, but I have just wanted to spend time alone, be alone, live alone, and have not really wanted to interact with people as much, and have just want to be left alone to do things by myself. Also things that I felt I was over or had come to terms with or things I thought I had forgiven have come back to bother me more, and I have tried even prayed to have them not. Like somone very close to me did something to hurt me (of course my drug usage hurt them), and I forgave them and although what they had done bothered me and hurt me I felt like I had come to terms with it. Now though it is not that way I am constantly reminded of what happend different scenes of the problem run through my mind all the time. I can't decided or don't know if it is because now that I am sober and am more clear headed I realize how much it really bothered me what they did and that it was so easy to come to terms before, because I was not myself due to the drugs and that I will get over it or if I will always feel this way if I will always have these emotions and will never feel the same way about this person again, and even though I forgive them will not be able to associate with them anymore. I have been having so many second thoughts about decisions I have made recently especially those that I made while I was still on drugs or those I made in my early stages of sobriety as I was still not clear headed. I don't know, but I just feel like at times I want to have a whole knew life. I want to live in an entirely different way. I just feel like I am no longer the same and will never be the same, and that I need to live a different way. I know I can be happy and be sober but I feel I just need to do it differently then I would have before. If you are all confused as hell as to what it is exactly that I am trying to say and feel like I am just rambling don't worry, because I feel the same way. I have no idea what it is I am trying to say and know I am rambling, but that is because that is what is going on in my head. I am confused as hell and have so many things going through my head I don't know what I am thinking, what I am wanting, or what to do about it. I am keeping busy enough with work and studying to pass my series 6 exam, which enables me to sell securities like stocks, bonds, annuities, etc, that I am not struggling to much with wanting to take pills although I still have my temptations. Like an old friend/dealer tracked me down recently, actually just to say hi and see how I was doing and in fact did not say anything about drugs to me other then to see if I was staying strong, but it was tough not to ask him if he had anything. As I said he was a friend/dealer he sold me pills, but at the same time I sold him pills when he was out and I had some, but we were also friends. We were friends, mostly because of pills, but our relationship was not based solely on buying pills from one another. He has a good heart I know, but just has the same weakness we all do. So I still have had my challenges, but overall I am doing pretty good with that, but my head is so screwed up right now I don't know what to do, and wonder if it is a matter of time before it makes me do something stupid, something I will regret. Well I have rambled on long enough and have to wake up in about three hours so I better hit the sack, but I just wanted to let everyone know how I am doing and see how everyone else is doing as well as let everyone know how happy I am to have you as friends and let you know that if you need anything let me know, and that I hope to hear updates on how you are all doing soon!
    Tyler

     
    Old 10-09-2007, 11:06 PM   #27
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hi diezel,

    Thanks for the update. You always encourage me I posted a new thread a few hours ago (Almost finished with taper - really scared to take the next step). When you get a chance, read it and let me know what you think.

    You're four months ahead of me, and believe it or not, I look forward to see how you're doing. I know I'll be in your shoes someday soon, and your words of support and encouragement keep me on the right track So thank you very much for your time.

    Its 2am here, I have to get to sleep while I feel tired. I have an appt tomorrow morning with one of my addiction doctors, so I'll write in the afternoon.

    I'm glad you're doing well. Congratulations on four months!!! You have no idea how encouraging your progress is to me.

    Hugs,
    emsmom

     
    Old 10-10-2007, 09:01 PM   #28
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hi Tyler. Glad to hear from you. Scary thing, I understood completely what you were rambling about! I feel the same way. It's like you have this "new life" without drugs so you kinda feel like you need a new life all together. I also find myself drawing away from people. I've always been light hearted and pretty much a talker but not now. I'm heavy hearted, for many reasons, and find it hard to laugh or smile. I used to jump into conversations with coworkers, but pretty much stay in my cubby and work. Work has become extremely stressfull and overwhelming at times. I've been at the same company for over 16 yrs and seen such a huge turn around in employees, with the exception of my dept. I want to flee the place but can't, need the health ins for both myself and husband who has heart disease. I have job security there, so I doubt I'll ever leave but can fantasize about it
    Hang in there Tyler and if you need a little reminder at times, read this post, your post, quicksand.. that brought me to tears and also made me a person determined to kick this addiction.
    JB

     
    Old 10-10-2007, 10:08 PM   #29
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Emsmom,

    Hey I just got done reading your post, and I do but I don't know how you feel I do in the sense that I know how hard it is overcome an addiction to narcotic pain pills, and how hard it is to continue to try and stay clean everyday, but I don't know how you feel in regards to feeling scared about coming to the end of a taper. I don't want to scare you any more then you already are, but I am afraid what I have I am going to say might so I apologize ahead of time. My addiction to pills was an on again off again with varying degrees of severity thing for almost ten years. I hid it from most people extremely well, and even the people that did kind of know that I had problems did not worry as much as they should have or may have had they really known the truth. People that did know I had a problem for the most part were people, who I offered the information up to, and so they did not think of it as much as an addiction and thought of it more as something I did from time to time recreationally. Until recently no one and I mean know one included the people who felt like they knew a pretty good deal about my problem did not know the whole story. When my life started to crash down all around me and I was at that point where if I did not get help I would be swallowed up by the quicksand of addiction it started to come out that my life was falling down around me because of my addiction. To some people this was a total suprise and they did not know what to think, to others it was something they felt could be true because they at least knew I abused substance on occasions, and then there were the people that knew that if they did not help me right away then they would loose a friend they were not ready to loose yet. Those are the people that first pushed me to get help, the second group of people were the people that thought maybe it was a possibility, the last group of people to help me were those that were totally suprised when I came foward and admitted that I had a problem, but mostly because they had to hear it from me to believe it. Well when word started to get out due to the people who knew I had a problem, the people who thought it was possible started to ask questions. I admitted to them just like in the past that I did have pills, but not to worry I would be fine. Well one of those people in particular kept insisting that I get help and get into a treatment program, and I kept telling them not to worry that someone else was giving me my pills and that I was tappering of them and that I would be able to quite no problem. To that they would respond you may think so, but what are you going to do when those pills finally run out. They would tell me they had been there before and knew how I felt that as soon as those pills were almost gone I would start to think about where, how and when I would get more, and even though I had drastically reduced the amount of pills I was taking the worst of the withdrawals would still not come until I was off completely. This particular person was my father, and he had been there before having had an addiction to pain pills himself. I was down to around 20 to 40 mg of oxy a day, and kept telling him I could quite anytime and it would not be a problem. I, unlike you ems, was not at all scared to be on that last leg of my taper and felt like stopping all togehter would not be a big deal at all, and toward the end even had a day here or there where I had maybe one pill or just half a pill. Well that day my father talked about came. The day when I had no pills left and as I had come foward about my addiction at least enough to have people watching my closely and was not going to be able to get pills at least not very easily. Let me tell you I believe that I have seen and been to hell I have never been so miserable in my life as I was the next two days. All the things my father had talked to me about and predicted would happen did. I felt fine the first day with no pills it was the first two days after that first official day of no pills. I woke up in a cold sweet, my shirt soaked to my skin, my eyes, and nose dripping like a faucet, as I dashed to make it to the bathroom in time. I would shake uncontrollably, my eyes watered so much you would have thought I was crying and at times was because of the pain I was in, my nose was running like I had the flu, and at one point (and this not to be gross) I just had to lay in the shower for several hours, because I did not have the energy to keep getting up to go to the bathroom and could not just stay there, because I was so cold from sweeting and could not stop shaking. The next day I mustered up all the strength I could to act like I was feeling better so I could say I was going to just run a few errands. I left having to stop at several places to use the bathroom, and even had to stop and just lay down in the back seat of the car for a bit. I drove to a rough part of town, and just at a gas station and was actually asking people I thought looked a little more dicey if they knew how or where I could get pills or tried striking up conversations with people that is when I had the strength to get out of the back seat that would lead to me some how discretly mentioning something about pain pills. At that point I would have done almost anything for them and honestly had I had the physical strength to do more I probably would have done something worse. I was completly out of my mind It was over a holiday weekend about a day or two after my birthday and and about a week after my three year wedding anniversarry that I thought was going to mark my divorce instead of my marriage anniversarry that all of this happend. Talk about bad timing. I got so bad I finally begged to be able to call a doctor I knew would call in some vicoden to a pharmacy in the area I was staying at that time so that I had something to tie me over until I could get into a program and get help. It was this experiance that finally made me say I am addict I need help I don't want to live like this anymore I want to live period I don't want to die I don't want this to kill me please help me please. So I know it took me awhile to get to my point, but I feel like the details of how I got to my point are important as my point will probably freak you out , but the details of how I got to my point will hopefully offer you comfort . So here it goes my point is be scared Ems it is ok to be scared, because you know what the truth is it very well could be hell, it very well could be miserable, it very well could be the hardest it will ever be, but if you can get through it, if you can just hang on, hold out, be strong, and come out on top you will be better for it. You will have seen hell you will have been there, and if you are anything like me you will realize it is not a place you want to be now or ever. You will want help, ask for help, and even beg for help. You will do anything you can to never go back to that hell you were in. You will want to run not walk as far away from that quicksand as you can. You will hopefully have by your side helping you along the way guiding you, encouraging you, comforting you. You have been through a lot lately I know from everything you have told me that you are barley hanging on, but you have hung on you have proved to yourself how strong you really are you need to be stronger now. Get ready for what could be the worst be scared its ok, because it is going to be hard it is going to hurt, but then remember you are strong and that you can do it and when you get through it let the fear of going back to that awful hell you were in keep you from never going back there. I know you can make just hold on I know you are strong just hold on. Know that the strength I have seen in you has given me strength, know that hearing from you that my story has helped you, and my words have encouraged you, encourages me to stay on my straight and narrow path. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and you know if you ever need anything where to find me. Keep me posted! Be strong and be well. The same goes to all my other friends on this post. Let me know how your doing and keep me posted. I hope to hear from you all soon as well, and to anyone reading this for the first time I wish you all the best in your journey to recovery, and if you ever need support or words of encouragment I check this thread out every day or every couple days so feel free to tac a message on to the thread and I will be sure to respond.

     
    Old 10-11-2007, 09:18 AM   #30
    g8trgrl15
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    g8trgrl15 HB User
    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey Diezel, that was a very encouraging post! We just have to know that we have to experience a little hell to come out stronger and on top.. [B]IF IT WAS EASY, ADDICTS WOULD NEVER STOP USING - NEVER BE STRONGER FOR IT!![B] I meant to post to your reply the other day, but got busy and forgot! It was so ironic you mentioned wanting to be by yourself!! The first week, I didn't even want to be around my boys! I thought I was totally flipping out feeling that way. But it's just because we're feeling so much and so many different emotions, it's hard for us to keep track, much less anyone else. As for me now, I'm feeling pretty darn good.. but a little scared as I am starting to taper off the suboxone. Fear is a funny emotion, I tell ya. It's all in your head, but dang hard to get out.. I just keep telling myself I will be stronger for it in the end.. a person to be reckoned with!! Us that have seen hell and survived are very strong people. (believe it or not.. ) Hope all is well with you, diezel.. keep in touch!! Your posts are very encouraging to read!!

    g8trgrl

     
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