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    Old 10-22-2007, 07:02 PM   #46
    diezel57
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey everybody what's up? Em I hope you are feeling better, and your totally right a little retail therapy never hurt anybody, because if it did I would not have 50 pairs of shows. I am glad my post helped I was a little worried you might take it the wrong way and feel like I was trying to make light of your situation. I was not. I have felt how you have many times and I was not going through nearly as much, but I started trying to look at my situation in a different light and it really helped me. I guess today I should take my own advice. I should be so happy right now, and should have felt great after about three pm today, but have not felt as good as I should have. I passed my series 6 securities exam today! Not only did I pass, but I got an 80%, and for me that is a hugh deal I am a horrible test taker especially when I have to take a test and the only prep I have had is reading the material in the book. I was a nervous wreck all day and all throughout the test and could barely take waiting the 30 seconds it took the computer to calculate my score. I was so happy when I saw my score I think I interupted the whole testing center when I through both arms in the are and shouted. The test moderator said I would ask how you did but most people who dont do well don't throw their arms in the air and shout. So I was super excitted for about an hour before I started to feel like crap, and I don't know why. I almost felt like I did not deserve to be happy. I felt like I have done so many bad things that I did not deserve to have something good happen to me. I think I got so used to being depressed and feeling dark and alone that I don't know how to handle being happy. I started thinking about how I might never be the same and wondered if my drug use has changed my brain forever and don't know if I will ever be the same person I was. I some times feel like I want or maybe it is that I feel I deserve to be in the dark. I won't lie I still don't feel as good as I should, but as I was sitting there feeling sorry for my self I had a story come to mind, and I thought I would share it with you. I don't know if you are spiritual at all, but this story is spiritual in nature as I am somewhat of a spiritual person. I was driving home wanting to feel happy yet sad and thinking about how my life has been and feeling sorry for my self when I saw myself in heaven. I was standing there in heaven and I saw this row of crosses that never seemed to end. It started with a giant one and they got smaller as the row went down. An angel approached and explained that everyman has a cross to bare, and that if I felt mine was to much for me to bare then this one time I could choose my own cross to bare. He told me to be careful which one I picked, because I would be stuck with which ever one I choose for the rest of my life. I started to walk down the row of crosses and they got smaller and smaller the further down the row I got, and I did not stop until I got to the very end and there was a tiny, tiny cross. The large one I started at was so far away I could no longer see it any more. I thought to myself well this ought to do it I can handle this little one so I looked at the angel, and pointed to the tiny little cross at the end of the row and said "that one, thats the one I want". The angel looked at me and hesitated before saying "that is the one you already have". As I said I still don't feel as good as I should, but remembering this story reminded me that compared to my savior (who cross was the biggest of them all) my cross to bare is nothing. I know that my burdens compared to some are nothing, and so I need to accept what is mine and carry it the best that I can. I am trying, and when I struggle like today, I remind myself how light my burden is compared to some, and it reminds be to man up and stop feeling sorry for myself. To tell you the truth I am feeling better now. A lot better sharing this story, and not just thinking about in my head has made me feel that much better. So thanking you to all of you out there who allow me to share with you, and who support me and encourage me. Thanking you for sharing with me as well and allowing me to encourage and strengthen you as it does more for me then it probably does for you. G8trg keep up the good work on your taper from suboxone, that is awesome! I would recommend talking to your doc before taking a diet pill while being on suboxone. I am finance now, which is kind of funny, because my degree is in fitness and wellness management and exercise science, and for the past five years I worked in the fitness industry. I started as a personal trainer while still attending college until I got into the operations side of business and was most recently an operations manager of my own club. To make a long story short that is what my experiance, training, and knowledge is in, and taking certain supplements with certain medications can be very dangerous. I have seen two fellow employees have very bad reactions to certain diet supplements and those reactions were caused because the supplements interacted with medicines they were taking. One of them went into seziures and had to be rushed to the hospital. Without thinking about the fact that I diet drink could react with medicine I too had a similiar experiance. I take a certain medication, and I drank a diet energy drink and the combination of the two made me extremely ill. I vomitted several times, was shaking out of control, and my heart rate was going so fast I could not speak straight, and ended up having to go to a walk in emergency center. While I was there I was asked by the nurse several times if I had done cocaine, and she was convinced I was having a negative reaction to some bad coke. That is how bad the reaction was, and so I would be very careful about taking any time of diet supplements without consulting your doc first. Well thank you all for letting me ramble it usually helps me feel better like it has tonight. I hope you are doing well and look foward to getting updates soon! Until then stay strong and live well!!

     
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    Old 10-22-2007, 07:41 PM   #47
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey Diezel,
    Congrats on passing that exam! That is a big deal and you should not only be happy, but very proud of what you have accomplished. I know what you mean about the feeling happy (or lack of) thing. I don't feel happy very often and have no reason to feel sorry for myself. It just seems to take a long time getting over the addiction - remembering how happy you felt (at one point) while taking your drug of choice. I'm taking Lexapro now and while I am feeling better, it's hard to say I'm happy. I don't know what would make me happy if someone asked - other than good things happening to my daughters or other family members. If someone asked me what would make ME feel happy, I don't think I could really answer that question. I believe in spirtual things and thank you for sharing your story. I also believe in destiny and that most things happen for some greater reason ( I often have a hard time accepting someone's death in the same manner) I have 4 cats and one day, while going thru withdrawal I was sitting at my computer crying and feeling hopeless. One of my 4 cats, Sampson, came to me meowing and sat on my lap purring as though he was trying to comfort me. It may sound crazy to some people, but this cat never sits on my lap. He lets me feed him, pet him and play with him, but never sits on my lap and purrs. A stupid little thing like that gave me hope. I felt like God sent this cat to me for comfort because no one knew of my addiction, so Sampson to the rescue LOL
    Here's wishing us all the happiness we felt before our addictions took over.
    JB

    Last edited by granny0; 10-22-2007 at 07:43 PM.

     
    Old 10-25-2007, 08:54 PM   #48
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey everybody how has your week been? I hope all is well with everyone! Granny thank you for your post I really appreciated it. I just read it again, and after having a hell of a day yesterday it was really nice to read your uplifting thoughts! Yesterday was one of those days were nothing went right, and I was just so agittated. I have not wanted pills as bad as I did yesterday in a while. I just have that feeling of if I could just do a couple lines right now I know I would feel better and all my cares and feelings would just melt away. It scared that crap out of me that I wanted pills that bad over nothing really, because it was nothing traumatic that I had to deal with. I read something in a little book I have, and it said "we can handle the most awful pain and situations yet we will get drunk or high over a broken shoe lace"! It made me laugh and really put things into perspective for me, and I realized I have had so many days that have been just awful and hard, and here I am ready to throw away all my hard work to stay clean and sober over these past almost five months now over a broken shoe lace! I felt pretty silly, but laughing at myself made me feel better. However, again granny it was nice to read your words of incouragement today so I thank you for that, and I look foward to hearing from all of you soon, and from anybody new who might post here. Until then stay strong and live well.
    Tyler

     
    Old 10-25-2007, 09:15 PM   #49
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hi Tyler,

    Congrats on your exam!!! Sorry I haven't been around much lately - been out of town at the cottage (no internet) for a week. You must be SO happy to have accomplished your goals. 80%...wow!!!

    I can't write too much tonight - still have to unpack, and hoping to get to sleep soon. It was a long drive home, very long and tiring.

    I'm so happy for you, and I hope everyone is doing well

    Much love and hugs,
    emsmom

     
    Old 10-26-2007, 06:14 AM   #50
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Congratulations, Tyler!! Isn't it a great feeling when something you've worked hard for pays off?? I'm very happy for you. I've actually been busy at work, so I haven't posted much lately. I know exactly what you mean about the irritability.. sometimes I'll snap at my 7 yr old for no reason, and then I feel like doggy doo.. But I'm coping. I know turning back around is not an option. So nothing to do but move forward!! I'm about to go from 10 mgs to 8 mgs.. not really too nervous about that. I don't think it will be rough until I get to 6 and go from there. My Dr gave me a taper sheet, but I've gotten advice to do it other ways on this board. So I don't know which way would be best, but I'll see soon. I'm so ready for this taper to be over with, like so many others I've read about on this board, but I know you can't rush it without getting sick. Well, I just wanted to post a short note to say hello and tell you your strength truly amazes me. A lot of people would've went out and found that line. But you didn't! I hope I'm that strong once the sub is gone.

    Hello to everyone else! Ems, I hope you are feeling well and staying strong.. Granny, I've never actually responded to your posts but read every one of them, and you're a lot stronger than you realize.. To have taken a few of that bottle and leave it at that is very strong!

    Go Gators!! I'll be at the Fla/Ga game this weekend, maybe I'll be on TV!! lol..
    Everyone have a great weekend..
    Brandi

     
    Old 10-26-2007, 05:45 PM   #51
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey g8trgrl,
    I see alot of your posts too and I wish you luck with your taper. You said you read all my posts. Yikes - I've just noticed how many I have. I talk too much!
    Since my addiction has stayed my secret, this is the only place I can talk to people with the same problems and frustrations I'm going through. Thanks for saying I'm strong - I don't always feel that way. I still have other vises, cigarettes and sleep aides. They are next on my list, once I get through this process. I just don't feel up to giving up anything else right now. Emotionally, this has taken much longer than I thought it would. Going on 2 months now and I thought by this time, I'd be back to my old self (pre-addiction). I guess if it took 2 yrs to build that addiction, it will take more time to recover from it. I'm determined though. I'm tired of hating myself for getting into this situation to begin with.
    Best wishes and hope you have a good weekend!
    JB

     
    Old 11-05-2007, 01:46 PM   #52
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    diesel, where are you? You haven't posted in a while.. Just wanting to make sure everything's going okay..

     
    Old 11-06-2007, 09:31 AM   #53
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    G8trg
    Thank you so much for checking up on me. I need that sometimes. What's funny is I wrote this big long message on Sunday night, which I just noticed was apparently never posted. I don't know what happend? The post my be up on my laptop still just waiting for me to hit post message, but am not sure so I will just go ahead and say what I said then in case it for some reason was lost and just did not post for some reason. I am doing ok I have been struggling a little bit the last few days, but am doing better then I was the last time this happend. I was I don't want to say accused, but asked for the second time in the past few months if I was taking my father oxy's. My father has had addiction problems to pills as well, and like many of us started taking them for and continue to has legitimate pain issues. He tried several different things, and was not on pills for a long time, but he started to have seizures, which the docs finally said were caused by severe migranes. Due to his problems he has my mom hold them and dish them out to him, but he finds them sometimes and takes more or my mom gives him more sometimes etc. Anyway about two months ago a decent amount went missing and my mom first asked me, and at that time I did not even know he had them so it was really hard then not to want them it took about everything in me not to go look for them a few times. I eventually kind of forgot about it. I mean in the back of my mind I pretty much knew that there were pills in the house (my wife and I currently live with my parents as we came up when I went to rehab), but did not think about them everyday anymore. Well a couple days ago my dad came to me and asked me if I had taken any again, because apparently 100 pills are missing. Last time he more or less admitted to finding them and taking extra, but this time he swears he did not. My mom hides them in different places, and so may have misplaced some, but who know I just know I did not take them. Last time I was pretty upset about it mostly though, because knowing they were in the house just tempted me that much more. I mean there was one day where I had to leave so I would not go look for them when no one was around. I also felt a little upset that they would ask because of how much progress I have made. I am over that part of it now and realize that my own actions have made it so that I would be suspect. It still is tough to deal with, and does not make it any easier to stay clean. In a way it almost made me want to go out and get pills if that is what everyone is going to think anyway. I am feeling a lot better about it now and am over it. Thank you so much for checking up on me though I really appreciate it. I was sick last week as well which is why I did not post much, but I am feeling a lot better now, and so I should be back on track. How are you doing? How is everybody else doing? Let me know and until then stay strong and live well.
    Tyler

     
    Old 11-06-2007, 11:06 AM   #54
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    G8trg
    Thank you so much for checking up on me. I need that sometimes. What's funny is I wrote this big long message on Sunday night, which I just noticed was apparently never posted. I don't know what happend? The post my be up on my laptop still just waiting for me to hit post message, but am not sure so I will just go ahead and say what I said then in case it for some reason was lost and just did not post for some reason. I am doing ok I have been struggling a little bit the last few days, but am doing better then I was the last time this happend. I was I don't want to say accused, but asked for the second time in the past few months if I was taking my father oxy's. My father has had addiction problems to pills as well, and like many of us started taking them for and continue to has legitimate pain issues. He tried several different things, and was not on pills for a long time, but he started to have seizures, which the docs finally said were caused by severe migranes. Due to his problems he has my mom hold them and dish them out to him, but he finds them sometimes and takes more or my mom gives him more sometimes etc. Anyway about two months ago a decent amount went missing and my mom first asked me, and at that time I did not even know he had them so it was really hard then not to want them it took about everything in me not to go look for them a few times. I eventually kind of forgot about it. I mean in the back of my mind I pretty much knew that there were pills in the house (my wife and I currently live with my parents as we came up when I went to rehab), but did not think about them everyday anymore. Well a couple days ago my dad came to me and asked me if I had taken any again, because apparently 100 pills are missing. Last time he more or less admitted to finding them and taking extra, but this time he swears he did not. My mom hides them in different places, and so may have misplaced some, but who know I just know I did not take them. Last time I was pretty upset about it mostly though, because knowing they were in the house just tempted me that much more. I mean there was one day where I had to leave so I would not go look for them when no one was around. I also felt a little upset that they would ask because of how much progress I have made. I am over that part of it now and realize that my own actions have made it so that I would be suspect. It still is tough to deal with, and does not make it any easier to stay clean. In a way it almost made me want to go out and get pills if that is what everyone is going to think anyway. I am feeling a lot better about it now and am over it. Thank you so much for checking up on me though I really appreciate it. I was sick last week as well which is why I did not post much, but I am feeling a lot better now, and so I should be back on track. How are you doing? How is everybody else doing? Let me know and until then stay strong and live well.
    Tyler

     
    Old 11-06-2007, 11:34 AM   #55
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey diezel,

    I'm glad to here from you

    I know about being asked if you took pills...here's my story...

    One day, my hubby noticed that the pill bottle was almost half empty (we had just picked up the pills the day before). He immediately came to me and asked if I had a relapse. Well, the pills are locked in a bag, only he has the key - but one day I went into his jeans while he was in the shower and opened the bank bag, took some but immediately told him about it.

    Naturally, he came to me and asked. Well, I did not take them. We couldn't figure out why there were so many missing. It turned out that the pharmacy didn't give us the complete script (they didn't have enough) but they forgot to tell us. My hubby didn't even notice as we were in a rush when he locked them up.

    So I know how it feels to be accused, even if its for realistic reasons.

    I've been having a crappy week as well. Both my daughters are sick. My older one is in Senior Kindergarten and surely brought the virus home. Well, now I'm catching whatever they have. My oncologist is worried about me catching viruses - I can't afford to be sick right now, but I want to be with my family, so I'm being subborn lol.

    It was great to hear from you, keep in touch

    Hello to everyone else, and hope all is well

    Sincerely,
    emsmom

    Last edited by emsmom; 11-06-2007 at 11:39 AM.

     
    Old 11-06-2007, 12:42 PM   #56
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    There you are!! Great to hear from you!! Sorry to hear you've been sick, it's that time of year.. and I know about the suspicion of taking pills as well. Not exactly in the way you described it, but I know that it will take a long time for my mother to trust me completely when it comes to this issue. And I guess I can't blame her, you know after what I did. I try to be patient when she's looking in my eyes to see if I look high or whatever.. lol It's actually kind of amusing..for now. You have to keep checking in periodically, you're a huge support system for me, as well as others on this board. I was talking in my group last night about the "honeymoon" period being over.. What I mean is, at first when you decide you're through with the pills and you make the step to get help, you're so excited and everything. I guess that's died down a bit since I'm leveling out now. And now it's sort of like....what now? Don't get me wrong, every day is getting better, even though I've downdosed to 6mgs. I don't think it will be that bad. Anyway, I'll quit rambling... Talk to you all soon!

     
    Old 11-06-2007, 03:01 PM   #57
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Diezel:

    It's so hard to earn our trust back once we spill out our guts about our addiction, huh?

    My sister-in-law came to visit us. My wife was having an infection in her tooth, and called the dentist. The sister-in-law says, "Don't get any vicodin." Then she looks at me. I replied, "Yes, I'm an addict and can't be trusted."

    It wasn't the best response, but it was "off-the-cuff." I know addiction very well, and she doesn't (how could she, she's never been there!) Sure, she knows the clinical definition of addiction, but she will never know what it is like to "be" and addict.

    Someday, we will earn our trust from our family members... I guess it takes time. I have been in the HELL of this monster, and I know where your thoughts are coming from. You are not alone.

    Your friend in addiction,

    mk

    Last edited by mk7657; 11-06-2007 at 03:04 PM.

     
    Old 11-09-2007, 09:50 AM   #58
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hey you guys, I am the wife of a Lortab addict, it helps me so much to hear and see what you say. I need to ask you a question... Im trying so hard to understand.. and I am reading that you guys feel low and have remorse, and I'm praying my husband has remorse, he has given up everything, family, home, vehicle, job , all for a pill. We, his family are suffering so much without him. Once upon a time, he was such a great family man... and I have to believe that he misses us and has remorse but he won't ever let us know that.. Does the Drug addict love the high so much, he cannot feel the remorse sometimes.. I know my husband struggles to have enough of the pills, he has been with a bar girl for the last two years off and on, she keeps him suppied with his love, Lortab. It's just so important to me to know that he might miss us and have remorse. You guys give me hope... and im praying for all of you .. always!!!

     
    Old 11-09-2007, 10:29 AM   #59
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Hello Incentive,

    Pleased to meet you

    Let me tell you about me first - then I'll tell you some of the things I did for pills.

    I am 31 years old, have been married to a wonderful supportive husband for over nine years, have two beautiful little girls (ages two and five), a great job, big house, lots of friends etc. However, I am an addict...

    It all started a few years ago when my doctor wrote me a script for percocets (due to a herniated disc in my back). It didn't take long for me to realize that these pills turned me into superwoman. I could do "anything" when I took the pills. Eventually, the pills didn't give me the high anymore, so I needed to take more. It got to a point, where I'd have to take my dose for the entire day, all at once, just to take away the withdrawals.

    I started buying pills off the streets. I took cash advances off my credit cards to pay for the pills. I would do "anything" to get those pills. It came down to a point where I'd suffer w/d's and panic, go buy more pills, etc.

    So, I'm sorry to say - but yes, the addict loves the high so much that we do not feel remorse at times. Its very sad, but those pills took over my life. I stopped taking my girls to the park, stopped associating with friends, sat on the couch and took pills.

    I'm sorry to hear about your husband - I'd like you to remember one thing though - an addict will NOT admit they are an addict until they are ready.

    I wish you the best of luck, stay with us - there are some wonderful people here who will give you the support you need. Try to find a Naranon meeting in your area. Its for family and friends of the addict. I've heard they are wonderful meetings, which will help you to better understand what your husband is going through, and give you the support you need to accept whats happening.

    Good luck,
    emsmom

     
    Old 11-11-2007, 03:57 PM   #60
    g8trgrl15
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    Re: Quicksand: My addiction story

    Incentive,
    Oh yes, it is very possible for addicts to not feel remorse. One of the main reasons people take pills is to numb feelings. We start to feel bad or sad or depressed, so we pop another pill to try to feel better, but all it does is numb it. Ems was right when she said you cannot help him until he's ready to help himself. Best of luck to you and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

     
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