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Advise Please.

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Old 01-13-2008, 12:50 PM   #1
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 13
Advise Please.

Hi. I have a brother who is 33 and is an alcoholic and cocaine user. I do not know how often he uses cocaine but he uses alcohol probably every day. After he gets drunk at night I have seen him drink again (vodka) in the morning. I'm pretty sure this all started as a teenager. I think he has been using cocaine for 5 years. He also spends money like crazy. He is the nicest and most generous guy in the world and you can not help but to like him. I am his sister and I worry for him all the time. He has had fights, gets kicked out of bars, etc. I have been told that he pays for hookers. He seems to live life to the fullest everyday, not really caring about consequences. He owns his own business and he manages to keep it going. I know he has insecurities (from childhood, as I do) and when I look at him I just see a lost little boy who is sad and who puts on a big show that everything is okay. It breaks my heart. I have spoken to my parents about this (tons and tons of times). My mother trys to not think about it and hopes it will "go away" my father feels as if he is an adult and responsible for his own life and if he wants to destroy it, that's his problem. I on the otherhand worry about him all the time. We had a cousin who died last year at age 28 from od-ing (heroin). My brother was married for 4 years, recenlty divorced and is now dating someone. People who know him also tell me they are worried about him. I do not know what to do. When he was married my parents, his wife at the time and myself did our own little intervention. ( I was unaware of the cocaine use at that time). Pretty much got know where, he told us he was fine and in control and to stop worring, etc. I love my brother and do not want to see something really bad happen. I want to help him. I did tell him that he should get help once and he got so mad at me. He has tons of friends but I think he feels as if I am the one person who will be their for him no matter what. I've told him that I would never blame him and that I would do anything for him. And I truly do not blame him or think he is a bad person at all. I hate the drugs and the alcohol. I'm not sure what to do. He does not want help. He does not want to change. I think he kinda gave up on himself thinking that even if he wanted to stop all this that he couldn't, that this problem is bigger than he is or he just doesn't want to face reality. So I can just put this in God's hands and pray that things will be okay and when he is ready he will do what he needs to do or like they say he will get to his lowest and wake up OR I can set up a real, professional intervention and hope that he can be talked into rehab and getting help. I would do that if I thought he would accept help but I dont think he would and my fear is that he will be pushed away further and will feel that he has no one anymore. But what happens if he over-doses and kills himself and I never did anything. Then I will have to lIve with that. I'm stuck. I would appreciate any advise that anyone can give me. My best to you all.

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Old 01-13-2008, 02:17 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Granite City IL USA
Posts: 15
scrappingmami HB User
Re: Advise Please.

hunny, as much as you love can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Just let him know you love him and care what happens to him, and make him aware you would help him if he ever decides he needs it, but ultimately, it is upto him. He is an adult, apparently emotionally and socially stable if he maintains a business, so is responsible for his own actions. Of course, you love him and worry about him and fear for how this will end. I think support groups for you are in order, but he is allowed to make his own decisions. You have to respect that, even when you know they are wrong. Just love him and be there for him, and if you are a praying person like I am, pray for him. Also keep in mind that anything he does, is his deed, not yours. hugs for such a caring sister!

Old 01-13-2008, 02:48 PM   #3
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The here & now.
Posts: 475
Yossarian22 HB User
Re: Advise Please.

hi dawn

1st of all many thanks for sharing your story with us here. im not sure how much help i can be - but there are a lot of people on here with a lot of combined experience, so hang in there.
Its great that your brother still has you - and all you can do is to try and be the 'anchor' in his stormy life. the reason your brother got mad with you when you metioned he should get help - as you probably already know- is because you were right, and deep deep down he probably knew it.
The probelm is - that he has to want to change by 'himself' - which from what i can gather - isnt high on his priorites. He obviously has issues and is quite self destructive as a lot of us addicts are - it just depends on how close to 'rock bottom' we get before we see whats really going on.
By the sounds of his cocaine use - he's not injecting, alcohol is his main problem - coke is 2ndry. i know a lot of people hooked on coke and i dont know anyone who has od'd on it so far. the problem with coke is that it will take over, it will take your money, your house - everything. so if he has a business - i think you'll be able to tell if it starts going 'down the pan' you can bet his coke intake has gone up.
All you can do is be there for him - it doesnt sound much but its the best you can offer. if he doesnt want help then that is his choice.
Dont be afraid to challenge him on his behaviour tho (unless he has a history of violence or anger management problems) - you're his sis at the end of the day and if you cant tell him - who can?

just hang in there and keep doing what you do best - being the best sister he could ask for. he's a very lucky guy having someone care so much about his future.

i've no doubt that someone else will respond to your post with more advice/support.

until then - i'll cross my fingers for you. keep us posted as to how things are going.

good luck and take care.


"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

Old 01-13-2008, 03:52 PM   #4
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NE PA USA
Posts: 307
tat2duser HB User
Re: Advise Please.

I really hate to say it....but the two very wise posts below mine were absolutely right. HE has to want this, not you. As hard as it is to just sit back and watch, at this poit, that's really all you can do. As far as an intervention.... Yes, they sometimes work - but sometimes they have the reverse effect - all it does is **** the person off, and makes them turn themselves off even MORE to whomever was involved. This is a really sticky situation for you - and I really really feel for you. The best thing I can think, is maybe just try to sit and talk with him - very gently - and see what happens. If you dont get anything out of it, yyou'll have to just take a backseat and wait for HIM to want to get help HIMSELF.

I wish I had some better answers for you, really I do. But if you need us, we're here - all of us. Please come back and keep us up to date on how things are going.... And post - post often - it truly is good for the soul to get thigs out sometimes....even if it's in writing to a bunch of total strangers.

Good luck....and God bless.


Old 01-13-2008, 04:32 PM   #5
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 645
isitme HB Userisitme HB User
Re: Advise Please.

As others have said - they have to want to help themelves.
My daughter has recently come to the realization that there is no hope for her brother, (at the moment, anyway). She has now seen him without the rose coloured specatacles she once wore - he injects, he sleeps, he steals and so his existance goes on. Prison is his next move and hard as it is to believe, I'd feel happier knowng people are looking after his needs. He is also a diabetic and probably a psychopath too. The likehood of a drug ovedose/ fatal coma due to self neglect is very high. The fact is, like yourself, we all make our own choices........not all of them good in the eyes of others, some insignificant to others, some down right stupid, some fatal. Worry about that day if ever that day comes, not before. And if that day does come, you will grieve as we all grieve, you will feel guilty and to blame for what happened. I applaude you for sticking by him, offering help, etc. I grieve daily for the son I 'should have', yet have no longer. My daughter is now going along the same road as you are. It is a hard, cruel road filled with fear, worry, anger and sadness. There are no rights or wrongs for how someone reacts to the actions of an addict/alcoholic.
Whatever happens - it will NOT be your fault. Please believe that. I wish you peace in your heart and mind.

Old 01-13-2008, 05:10 PM   #6
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 13
Re: Advise Please.

You are all so kind. Thank you so much for your replies. You have all been very helpful and I wish you all the best. I will visit this board often to read and learn what I can and I'll also keep you posted on my brother. Once again, thank you so much.

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