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  • 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?



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    Old 01-21-2008, 06:28 AM   #31
    isitme
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    Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Christine73 View Post
    isitme, thanks for the reply.

    I do have enough reasons for my guilt...my relationship with his father was not good, he always cheated on me and he drank too much. I was badly depressed, the place was a mess and I just couldn't cope with my son..sometimes I even doubted I loved him. I have no doubt that he was emotionally neglected growing up..and whilst I had a lot of problems, there was no excuse for not leaving my husband and getting help...but I didn't do it, and my son is now paying the price



    There is not much we can do is there? Only wait and hope.
    Ditto, my friend. I stayed with his father who drank and lied, and manipulated and more....... I also have no doubt that my son was neglected when young. It took me to have a complete nervous breakdown before I saw what a terrible father/husband I had. My son was 10 and his personalily etched by then. No one can alter the past, only move on. And no one can move on, until they see for themselves that the path they are on is wrong. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but we can only work with what we are given at any moment in time. Are you receiving any help yourself?

     
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    Old 01-21-2008, 06:32 AM   #32
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    Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

    Gee, the stories are all so terrible ...we all feel the exact same way.The difference is i feel no guilt, my son had a wonderful loving childhood full of safety and security always had us when he needed us. i was always home after school to help him with homework and give him a snack...so who knows? anyway, i do believe that therapy would help you tremendously. it is helping me! im trying to detach but its hard because he lives in our home but hes trying to get clean..hes in a program and knows he has an underlying disorder and he also knows he uses drugs to cope. I pray everyday that this helps him because i know what the evil twin is like.

    my suggestion to you is to take all the guilt you feel, go see an addiction therapist for yourself...they do get it, they know all about the demons and the struggles of drug addiction...And they do help.

     
    Old 01-21-2008, 07:48 AM   #33
    Christine73
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    Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

    Thanks, both of you. I was worried that people were going to call me a terrible mother, but I guess I know I was and I am having to deal with that now.

    I am not into therapy...I tried it for a few months, but it opened some deep wounds and I could not cope with that pain on top of what my son is going through, so I will leave that until later.

    jules3, I commend you for having your son at home, it must be so heartbreaking. At least I can sometimes escape the worry for a few days until I get a call about him again.

    I so wish he would call me and say: Mom, I need your help. I would drop everything and do my best for him. I have told him this, so all I can do is hope he will one day call me.

    Hindsight is always good, that is so true.

     
    Old 01-21-2008, 08:00 AM   #34
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    Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

    christine, give therapy another shot sometime..maybe a different therapist would go about it differently...you know, if my son wasnt at home we would never ever rest.. im not saying it would never come to that..because it can..

     
    Old 01-21-2008, 08:09 AM   #35
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    Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

    Yes, these stories are so very similar that my heart beaks for you all as well as for myself and my son. It is very comforting to talk with others who have had similar experiences, walked in my shoes, dealt with the same issues, fears, frustration, etc. I do have more I want to say, but don't have the time at the moment so I will have to come back tomorrow. I'll try to give more information and answer some questions posed to me. In the meantime, God bless us all.
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    Old 01-21-2008, 05:47 PM   #36
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    Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by isitme View Post
    So many likenesses it's scary, so I have this wall of iron that won't let him in.......and that means I've not detached, I've avoided like the plague. That is the stumbing block. I can't see a way past that apart from avoiding completely. I'm past the emotionally hurt stage. I now see that it was just me taking things far too personally. I've changed my perspectie on that one.

    Itisme, my sons addiction destroyed my relationship with my father b/c my father has addictions (alcohol and gambling) he cannot admit too. Looking into my sons eyes when he was high was looking into my fathers eyes, brought back childhood memories, ones I pushed down deep until my sons problem. What made it worse is I reached out to my father who I was getting along with to help me, help my son and he turned his back on him like he had the plague. My son is my father, or atleast I thought he was but I realized thankfully, my son isn't my father, they are individuals and my son wasn't beyond help. That made me look at him differently and I admired my sons strong points.
    I dont' know if this helps, but I thought I would share it. cram315

     
    Old 01-22-2008, 01:27 AM   #37
    isitme
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    Re: 'Parents of' - can anyone relate?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cram315 View Post
    Itisme, my sons addiction destroyed my relationship with my father b/c my father has addictions (alcohol and gambling) he cannot admit too. Looking into my sons eyes when he was high was looking into my fathers eyes, brought back childhood memories, ones I pushed down deep until my sons problem. What made it worse is I reached out to my father who I was getting along with to help me, help my son and he turned his back on him like he had the plague. My son is my father, or atleast I thought he was but I realized thankfully, my son isn't my father, they are individuals and my son wasn't beyond help. That made me look at him differently and I admired my sons strong points.
    I dont' know if this helps, but I thought I would share it. cram315
    Oh yes, that has helped. I'm glad you shared. Getting into contact with my son stirs so many unwanted thoughts/flashbacks of his father. I know they are both individuals, but personality wie they are clones of each other. Plus then I go though the grieving of him again, (the son I hoped I'd have). Looking into his eyes I see such emptiness inside him. I suppose I avoid him as it destroys me emotionally if I do see him. How do I get past this when I see nothing good it him? Avoidance is a completely different coping mechanism to healthy detachment. And I want to achieve a healthy balance. I don't see my son as my x. it's just unfortunte and mind blowing when I see that he possesses the same self destruct personality as him...........

    If you can tell me how you changed your perspective, I'm listening.

     
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