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F UP and didn't know...

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Old 02-01-2008, 05:14 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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tattoogirl HB User
F UP and didn't know...

Wow where to start....

I have learned guilt and shame get me nowhere. But for a couple of days I had indulged in alcohol. This is really shameful but I need just to say it. I woke up in the morning on Wed. had a whole s-load of delivery in my fridge (didn't remember ordering). Probably just ordered I thought...not weird when I drink. So on Thursday night I went into my b-room garbage and find a condom. I went in there because I thought I threw away something by accident (H-S I thought). Well SORRY TO BE GROSS...but it had blood all over it (I had my monthly visitor).

I have NO RECOLLECTION...NOT EVEN A MINUTE! I guess I tell myself THANK YOU LORD THERE WAS A CONDOM. BUT I WISH it didn't even happen!

I am 31, know my alcoholism, but that totally WRONG idea of control never leaves.

I guess I needed to vent. And just say there is no rhyme or reason. You can make years but that F'in demon can chyme in when you are unaware.

I won't even get into life circumstances for me....we all have cr*p. But I feel sick inside. Life wasn't meant to be this way. .


PS: I guess being on life support twice (along with many other stays didn't change things). That's why I know it is a TRUE DISEASE! Even in over 2 years of abstinence things were still not right.......Be in AA tomorrow.

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