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Old 05-27-2008, 05:33 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
steve255 HB User

I am caught up right now in a cycle of being clean 4 days a week and doing drugs 3 (sometimes vice versa). Oxy's are my drug of choice. In my head I tell myself it's not as bad as my fiance Jenny makes it out to be, but I know it is. I love her and I know she loves me but I only have a month and a half before we get married and I want this to be done with. The cravings pop up pretty quick and I act on them immediately so I need a way to deal with them. I would appreciate any advice.

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Old 05-27-2008, 06:35 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: NY
Posts: 837
FullCircle08 HB User
Re: Struggling

Hey Steve --I left a message for your fiance also. Listen, we have been around and we can really help. Just the fact that you logged on her shows me that you are interested at least in getting some help. I was RIGHT were you are now a few years ago. You can believe it or not, but the truth and hard reality is that you are on a dangerous path. I know the DRUG tells you different, but there will be a time when you can handle what you are doing. It will become every day, then a few more each day, then a BUNCH every day. Is that really how you want to start this new life with such a wonderful women who cares so much for you that she would aski strangers for help? I think you asked her to marry you because you know the answer. This will end bad if you dont stop. Trust me. 6 relapses and almost lost a good women, I know.

"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -

Old 05-27-2008, 08:20 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 844
granny0 HB User
Re: Struggling

Hi Steve,
When I first came to these boards there was a post called "Quicksand" that really hit home for me. I have not seen this guy on the boards in a long time but the following is his post. It's an eye opener for anyone fighting addiction.

"First I just want to say congrats to all of you out there on the road to recovery, and to those trying to start on that road I say good luck you will need it as it is not going to be easy no matter what. However, if you need help if you need support you can get it here from those of who care and or traveling the same road. I have been an addict since I started abusing narcotic pain killers my senior year of high school in 1998 after a sports related injury. I followed an on again off again pattern of abuse for several years, but eventually as addictions always do things got out of control. These drugs are like quicksand when your on them you keep going down. There is nothing to hold onto, and no one to pull you out (because you keep so many secrets). Then you keep falling and no one can hear you calling (because now you have isolated yourself from everyone in your life), and so what happens? You end up self destructing. For some of those unfortunate souls it ends in total destruction, death. For those of us here we are the lucky ones. The ones, who were lucky enough to realize we were stuck in quicksand, but it was not till we had destroyed almost everything good in our lives, that we realized we were up to our necks in it, and in a last desperate cry we get the help we need to get out before we sink enough to sufficate. My addiction got to that point. I started out sinking slowly I was into above my waist without even realizing it, because it happend so gradually. Then before I even knew what happend I was up to my neck in it my life was about fall apart. I could not even get through the night with having to get up and sniff pills if I did I would wake up and not be able to function until I got something in me. Most night I just stayed up doing the drugs throughout the night, neglecting my family, my friends, my wife even my wife who I loved so much and promised even swore I would take care of and love her over anything and everything even myself. Pills stupid little pills took her place in my heart they became more important than anything and everything including my own life. My finances were a mess. I could not pay my pills. I was selling drugs to support my habit, and instead of getting out of the quicksand was pulling people in with me. I lied, I stole, I cheated, I deceved, and did things I would never ever have done without drugs. My job was starting to fall apart, and I spent most of my time finding hidden places on the job to go and sniff pills. I was up to my chin in the quicksand of addiction. My wife was ready to leave, I could not put on the show at work much longer, the money I did have was just used for drugs, I was almost caught shop lifting, I had pushed my real friends out of my life and replaced them with new ones (drug dealers and drug buyers), I was almost arrested, my family did not know who I was anymore, I was un-faithful to my wife my first who should have been my only, and as I personally am a spiritual person had even turned my back on my Heavenly Father, I had lost everything even my soul. The only thing I had left was my addiction and my physical body, a hollow shell of the man I once was, the man I had planned to become. I was going to be swallowed up by the quicksand of addiction, but with my last breath called out for help. Finally the people, who really love me that really care about me, that never called off their search to find me heard my cry. They came to the rescue. Just like getting out of real quicksand getting out of the quicksand of addiction is going to be hell, it is going to be slow, painful and can't be done alone it can't be done with out a life line. My life lines are numerous. Suboxone, which is one of them, was my oxygen tank it allowed me to breath until I could get my head and chest out of the sand enough to breath on my own. Getting out of quicksand is done at a slow and steady pace, and you can only hold your breath for so long, before you either give up or get oxygen. For me going cold turkey was like going without oxygen, and I tried holding my breath, but after two days of being curled up like a ball in a corner, my nose and eyes dripping like a faucet, freezing cold but in cloths soaked all the way through with my own sweat, shaking like a leaf, aching like having been hit by a truck, sick as dog, and ending up in the shower going to bathroom on myself. I was ready to give up when I got my oxygen tank, my suboxone, which allowed me to breath till I was able to do it on my own. It made getting through the first few days and weeks bareable it made it possible for me to not just throw in the towel, before my other life lines arrived. My family, my real friends, my wife, my meetings, my classes, those people like many of you out there who have been there done that and know what it takes to get free, and last but not least my Heavenly Father, are my other life lines. They are the most important life lines, and they are the life lines that will help pull you to safety. It, however, is up to me and only me, and those of you out there like me, to stay away from the quicksand forever, and not go anywhere near it, to want nothing to do with it, to stay as far away from it as possible. Everything else just helps you to get out of the quicksand of addiction, but should not be relied upon to keep you safe from falling into this quicksand again. Only a true change of heart will keep you safe from falling into the quicksand again. I am still working on my change of heart and even though I have been out of the quicksand for three months does not mean I can't fall back in. Until I am strong enough to stay away from it on my own, until I know I will never take that road again, and, that I can look at it and say I have been there before, and even though it looks safe it's not. I have my life lines to lean on and learn from. I wish you all well in your endeviors to remain drug free, and hope that you are, like me, able to once again find your smile. "

Old 05-28-2008, 03:40 PM   #4
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2
steve255 HB User
Re: Struggling

Thanks for all the feedback. I really needed to hear that other people were and are in the same place as me. I am trying to get into a program at the moment. Right now I feel like I would never do a drug again but I have felt like this before and the next day gone out and done it. I really want to be clean this time so I will continue to get on here each day and reach out to people. Thanks again..

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