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Some of the wreckage of my past...........

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Old 06-06-2008, 10:43 AM   #1
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Join Date: May 2003
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TomsWife HB User
Post Some of the wreckage of my past...........

Random thoughts here. When I was drinking, I rarely went to the dr. for routine stuff, and if I did, it was because my husband kept nagging me. Or I would lie and say I went. Not because I didnít have money or insurance, I just wanted to go straight home from work to drink and not "waste my time" at a dr appt. Or perhaps even more so, I was afraid of what they would tell me after they did blood work. My liver hurt/throbbed everyday and I continued to drink. Darn him for caring about me and asking me to take care of myself! LOL.
Just before I went to detox, I came clean about my drinking to my pcp dr and after some blood work, I found out that my liver enzymes were elevated and some other things were out of whack. No surprises for me, I was kind of relieved actually that I could now confront the issues and try to get well. Iíve since had some more labs and all my blood work has come back great!
I also had my hearing checked and found out that I need a hear aid for both ears. Lovely! The Dr said that the type of hearing loss I have is result of two possible scenarios. Either the abuse of headsets/loud music or a head injury. As a child/teenager and to this day, I rarely used head sets. I was not he typical teen with he headphones/loud music blaring in my room. Then again, I wasnít the typical teen in any aspect of growing up! The other possible cause was a head injury. When the dr said that, I thought of the Staples commercial, "Yeah, I've got that!!!" There were many, many times that I fell and hit my head. More than once I hit it so hard, I knocked myself out.
Nice. Real nice.
I went to the Voc Rehab in my community (state funded program) and to no surprise to me really, I donít qualify for assistance.
So yesterday I took the plunge and made the first appt to purchase and get fitted for hearing aids. My luck with the type of hearing loss I have, I wonít be able to get the small ones that fit in your ear. No, not me. I'll probably have to get one with lots of wires that attaches to a belt or some type of back pack. LOL. AAHHH. Not to mention they will cost me an arm and a leg as my insurance does not cover any of them.
Obviously, my elevated liver enzymes were a direct result of drinking. The hearing loss? Perhaps. I am still going threw the PAWS - post acute with drawl symptoms. Are there other things that I have damaged? Will something else creep up along my road to recovery as a direct result of my drinking?
My daily meditation today was on self-pity. It dawned on me that I have been thinking "poor me", I'm not as healthy as I should because of my drinking. For the past few days my mind packed a lunch and took a road trip. I was thinking coulda, woulda, shoulda, I have to get hearing aids. I'm not as healthy as I should be. Perhaps I would not have been diagnosed with Lupus and RA if I didnít abuse alcohol.
Iíd been forgetting the good stuff; Gratitude. Iím sober 86 days today. The longest I have ever been sober in my teen and adult life. I spent some time with my brother and his family last week that would not have happened if I were still drinking. I am holding down a good job. I went for ice cream with my son and his girlfriend the other night. Another thing that would not have happened. My last lab work came back great. My PAWS symptoms will get better, most of which will go away completely. I have the money to get the hearing aids. I donít wake up hung over, nervous or sick. Iím not lying, cheating or stealing. I do the next right thing. I have friends in my life now. I am doing things socially. Iím laughing. Iím crying. Iím feeling. Slowly by quickly, the AA promises are coming true for me today.

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Old 06-06-2008, 03:03 PM   #2
Join Date: May 2007
Location: cleveland, ohio, usa
Posts: 440
oh-notagain HB User
Re: Some of the wreckage of my past...........

Thank You Marilyn, that was beautiful. Gratitude. You have reminded me that I need to be grateful today for the things i DO have. MY GLASS IS HALF FULL.



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