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sammyo1 09-08-2008 08:33 PM

Please friend needs help bad, worried
Hello everyone, I am new to this board but use several others. Usually the PM board, so this is pretty Ironic. I have a friend who called me today & admitted to being an addict of oxy, at the present she are attempting to detox. I believe she is on the third maybe fourth day. I am worried about several things. She has not been out of bed for a few days, really not eating & just sleeping. She said she feels awful & is doing her best to just get through.
I am a pain management patient & despise taking meds at all & have a healthy respect & fear, I am not sure if that is why she confided in my but I have to try to help. Of course I thought about my meds, which I keep under lock & key & hidden.
Since I have never faced any problem like this I am not sure how to help. I am hoping she is past the worst part but I am not sure.
I have asked her to seek help but she said she wont do so & dont ever want to go through this again so is staying far away from all of this, which is good but I am still worried sick.
Any advice? I am going to try to encourage her to come on this board for herself but not sure if she will do so. I cant abandon her & wont, I just want to be able to help her the best I can. She says this has only been the last several months & I believe her because that is when I noticed changes in her & to be honest I knew something was wrong & had my suspicions. Although I am shocked she confided this to me, I am pretty conservative at the same time I do not judge others.
I want to make sure I do everything I can to help her & am worried sick. I know she is depressed & am going to try to talk her into getting help for depression. I am abit out of my element here, I know abit about addiction & abuse not enough to know exactly what is normal for someone to go through in a case like this. So please I will welcome any advice I can get. Thanks in advance for any of your time. Sammy

feelbad 09-09-2008 06:13 AM

Re: Please friend needs help bad, worried
hi sammy. so sorry your friend is where she is at. this just can happen,even to the best of us. what exactly was she taking before she decided to DC? the biggest thing here you have to always remember,for yourself and YOUR current situation is not to be sucked in to 'her' world right now, you have way too much on your own plate just trying to cope and deal with all of your own stuff,ya know?

in order for her to get better,it is really all i her hands,not yours and you have to keep that in mind,always. is there a paricular reason she wont seek medical help with this? i went thru outpatient treatment when my situation came to a head many years ago. she does just NEED that level of support right now. even going to an NA meeting around town(or out of town too) would be a start for her. she just does need that kind of support that you simply cannot offer her. being with other people who are in her same situation is just really key in maintaining her sobriety right now.

she also just has to address the depression part of this too. depresssion is very very commonly present,usually before an addiction even begins. thats what i do believe created my initial 'need' to self medicate with pain meds. they simply lifted my depression(espescially hydro) and all was right with the world. her world is going to become much worse if that underlying depression is not treated while she is attempting to go off what she is. its the depression(and that huge 'want' to just 'feel normal" inside her head again) that will suck you right back in again til it gets at least properly treated and the reasons she became addicted get dealt with.

i know what a huge caring person you are hon and that has me kind of worried about you in all this. but you have to place that little wall between the two of you and set boundries for yourself so YOU don't end up worse off than you are right now too. all you can do right now is just be supportive. any real progress here that gets made,HAS TO come from her,not you. she herself just has to make some realizations from within herself before this is even going to work. only she can do that part. that want to get better just has to be there. i would encourage her to at least seek out an actual therepist or addictionologist if she also is suffering some level of chronic pain as well. but all that is up to her. she just needs to get on treating her depression as soon as possible or it(self medicating the depression) will contiue to simply recycle itself,you know what i mean? just do not 'take on" her stuff sammy. keep your distance and be that source of support only,you yourself just have way too much to deal with right now,and anything more that you take on will simply drain your own coping energies for your situation too. your friend is lucky to have you in her corner hon. just be very carefull with what you choose to give away right now. you just have to come first ya know? she simply may need much more support and overall care than you are even able to give her right now too,please remember that. any real progress she makes is just in HER hands,not yours or anyone elses either. i do wish you luck with this sammy. but watch those boundries. you just care too much sometimes and that itself has set your own situation back before ya know?there are some very helpful and knowledgable people here hon who i am sure will also have some good ideas and advice for you. take care hon. Marcia

granny0 09-09-2008 02:48 PM

Re: Please friend needs help bad, worried
Hi Sammy,

If you want to help her you can make it short and sweet. Call and see what you can pick up at the store for her. Does she need some Ibuprofen, Immodiam AD, etc. How about some easy to get down foods such as yogurt, bananas, soup, etc. That way, if she declines, you tried to help and if she accepts your help, it doesn't involve more than a stop at the store and then a short stop at her house;)

Best wishes,


sammyo1 09-10-2008 04:18 AM

Re: Please friend needs help bad, worried
This is hard. I dont know how to tell if she is back to using this again like you would an alcholic, you know? Because she is family I have to help her & she is needing guidance, young. I am really afraid for her & feel out of my element here. She spent several days just laying in bed & miserable & know up & going. She is currently with me now & before you say anything my meds are under lock & key. What a mess.
Marica I know what your saying & I have already thought about it. At the present its good that I am able to work some or I would be so consumed that it would not be what I need now. because she is younger & has struggled I worry she will go back & just pick it up again. She lost her job & everything & I just want to be able to tell she is not doing this agian.
Any clues?

I dont know why she wont seek help, I guess alot of people want to try on their own. After what she went through you would think she would not attempt it again but I have seen alcholics do the same & I have to assume its much the same.
There are rules here, no using anything, but how would I know?
Its hard to understand for me because I wont to be able to just go without my meds & cant, she said its different when your in pain. I am angry at her on one hand because of what I have had to go through just to treat my pain & someone is just getting a hold of something that in the past us CPers have had to "beg" for, just to live. I have to seperate that from trying to help her.

I am giving her a chance here & I better learn quick, so any other advice?
Thanks so much for your time. Sammy

feelbad 09-10-2008 08:14 AM

Re: Please friend needs help bad, worried
like i said sammy,it IS in HER hands. if she is actually staying with you,it may make some things a bit easier as far as using that to get her to where she simply has to be. you can set down some rules. if she says she is not using,then have her prove it. there are some home test kits that you can buy and tell her that you are not going to have her abusing in your home. if you suspect ANYTHING,she needs to comply with a UA for you. all you can do is help guide her thru a plan here but she has to do the rest hon. sit down together and set a plan/goals,that she has to meet by specific dates. she really really would be so much better off if she talked to her doc about this,with you maybe going with her if she feels too intimidated? she just REALLY sounds very depressed from what you have described here. THAT needs to be adressed first and foremost before anything else is ever going to really work for her. its a "block' to just getting better that has to be dealt with first.

i really would just get her to see her doc about the depression and also maybe start seeing some sort of therepist who can help her to deal with whatever it is that she has 'been thru'. not too sure just what she has had to deal with,but if it was a significant thing,it also needs to be dealt with too. there is clinical depression and situational depression,but both really require at least some form of good ongoing therepy to just help get the negative crap out and start being able to see that light at the end of the tunnel again. it can get pretty dang overwhelming and just give you that feeling of nothing is ever going to get better for me crap? it messes with your head and makes you feel why bother? then that negative junk just sits and all you can think about is from a completely black or really negative place. THAT needs to be dealt with by someone who treats depression. honestly sammy,with all that i have had to go thru in my life,my threpist is about the only person,along with good old lexapro,that has been able to get me to see that there is hope for my future. if you don;t 'feel' that there is hope,you are not going to do the best things for yourself or make the best choices either.why bother? i did have that thinking pattern,again, at least a few times here in the past nine years with just SOO freaking much happeneing to me and to our son. way too much than any one person should ever have to deal with and in such a short period of time. it was seeing my therepist that helped keep me on track.

she may not actually even 'have" what would be considered a "true' addiction going here,this could just be some pretty intense depression being played out and the meds just make it more tolerable? self medicating/trying not to feel what you don;t want to feel or deal with,ya know? if she is not seeking out meds or showing the real signs of a true addiction going on,then i am willing to bet it is what i just told you. the thing here is tho,if this depression is left and not actually treated,THEN you will start seeing the more profound "addictive" behaviors play out. self medicating will become the 'way' she chooses to 'treat' her depression,then it becomes a much much bigger issue like mine was.

you two just really need to sit down and formulate a plan and some rules that she is going to have to follow and the goals she needs to meet at certain and specific times. her first goal needs to be seeing her doc and making sure her depression is at least Dxed so it can start to be treated properly. getting a referral to a good therepist would be the next step. but she simply HAS TO set goals here for her and for you. your involvement here is to help her set a plan for herself and help her to stay on track, follow thru and just be as supportive as you can sammy. but only she can deal with what is actually in her head. sometimes,just helping someone to see there are options and choices and helping get them to the right ones with that plain of action is one huge block that gets removed for them so they can do the rest. but she HAS TO want to help herself. i do wish i had better words for you hon,but the majority of this is in her hands and that want needs to be there. you CAN help with that part just by making her see things in a much more positive way vs the negative crap that is in her head right now. i do hope this helped at least some sammy. please keep us posted. Marcia

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