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2 problems in my household! HELP!




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Old 10-09-2008, 05:29 PM   #1
Emilysmommie05
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2 problems in my household! HELP!

Well I am having some problems and I am a person who dosent speak up especially with my fiance because he always blows things out of proportion, he is a hard person to talk to sometimes, other times he is very easy to talk to but i never know how he is going to react to certain things.. anyways he has a drinking problem and i have told him over and over that it bothers me he turns into a totally different person when he drinks and i dont like the person he becomes at all, and he knows it but still continues to do so, he drinks when things start to get a little hard in our life and it only makes it worse for him, he gets all emotional he gets mad easy and cries easy and he dosent see that it makes the problem worse not better. I dont know how to tell him again that his drinking is getting out of control. When he quits drinking he goes about 2 days and then starts to not be able to sleep and becomes withdrawn and he says he is sick but i know what is wrong with him.and so does he but he just does not want to admit that is whats wrong with him. And I have a problem myself I have been addicted to painkillers for about 7 years now and i just now started treatment, I have been on Methadone for about 3 months now and it has helped alot, but when i was taking the pills he was taking them as well, so now that i am not taking them and he dosent have a constant supply he drinks instead its like he has to have a buzz to function. He suffers from depression but says anti-depressants do not work for him, he has been to counseling for depession in his teen years ( we areonly 25) and he was even in a mental hospital for his depression in his teens, i dated him then too. But I am dealing with my own issues as well, and he seems to drink more when i have to go to work at night and he has to watch our daughter and he is so much fun to her when he has been drinking, he does all kinds of stuff with her and is the best dad in the world (she is not biologically his and her father is involved in her life as well and i think that bothers him but he wont admit it) he of course dosent drive anywhere because i have the car and he wouldnt do that with her anyways, He waits til i get home to get really drunk but he has to get a buzz on for him to have fun it seems, but when it comes down to me he always wants to get all emotional and he repeats the same stuff over and over ever time hes drunk which is all the time we have the same convo. and he says the same things its sooo old. He also wants to have sex and i dont when he drinks cause he just passes out in the middle of it i hate that! And he acts soooooo retarded when he drinks im embarassed for him when he talks to his friends on the phone! they all see it too but they think it is funny they think he is hilarious when he drinks but i do not at all. He also still sneaks some of my methadones when im not looking what do i say to that? he knows i need them. But what am i gonna do about this drinking thing? My father was an alcoholic and my childhood was a disaster because of it and i do not want my children to have an alcoholic father too, shes too young to know but i get this sick feeling like i used too when i was a kid when he is drunk and acting stupid i hate it so much and he hides it from me, what like i am not gonna realize you are drunk? that insults my intelligence. He hides the booze and acts like nothing is wrong. even though he is slurring and stumbling around. I cant handle it anymore, I want to marry him, he is a wonderful person when he isnt drunk and he loves me so much and treats me so well, but i cant marry a drunk how do i approach a sensitive subject? he has thrown my own problems in my face, but at least im on a treatment plan and my addiction was medically induced i wasnt doing them recreationally i had back problems and i took more than i was supposed to, so now i deal with the pain and take the methadone and i feel alot better than i ever have i knew i had a problem and addresssesd it he on the other hand will not. What do i do? Someone please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
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Old 10-09-2008, 07:09 PM   #2
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

You can't change him, you can only change yourself. If you marry this man before he has been clean and in recovery for a significant amount of time you are doomed to lead a life of hurt, disappointment and possible of damage to your child's development. She deserves sober, nurturing parents so she won't repeat the this lifestyle or choices in men later. He has many issues and before he works these outs and does some serious self examination, he can never love you as you deserve to be loved or give you what you need and deserve in a spouse.

 
Old 10-09-2008, 08:07 PM   #3
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

Perhaps I won't be able to give you an answer to the question of how you can change your fiances behavior. I can only tell you that from personal experience you can change your behavior. I would run....not walk....to the nearest exit and take your beautiful child with you! You aer clearly stating that you lived a life of an alcoholic family while growing up. Didn't the pain and heartache and anger teach you anything about what alcoholism does to the people that are touched by it? I agree with the first poster, give this guy the heave-ho until he can prove that he's capable of living a life without booze and pills and he get's some substantial clean time under his belt. If you say, "But I love him..how could I leave him?", then you are never going to be able to make a responsible decision for you and your child. Be strong. Show him the door! Memere (KathyMac)

 
Old 10-09-2008, 10:33 PM   #4
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

Emily'smommie,

I know it sounds harsh, but just like everyone else says, this guy is not good for you. Just look at your screen name, You are Emily's Mommy, you need to think of your precious daughter first. Just because your fiance is fun and nice to her now, you know from personal experience it's not always going to be like that. You are doing the right thing by facing you're addiction and recovering from it, and btw, congratulations for living in such a tumultious home situation and sticking to it. That shows great strength in you...the kind of strength that it will take to make the decision to take your daughter and live the kind of life that she deserves and that will keep her safe. I lived with an alcoholic for many years and let him terrorize me and my son, and verbally and physically assault me when he got really drunk. It took me forever to see that I could actually make it without him. So please, please don't marry this man if he's not recovered.

In the meantime I would definitely find a way to lock up your methadone, as most docs will not refill your script if you run out too soon or start asking for refills to early. You need to find away to keep him from taking your pills.

Good Luck and stay safe.

 
Old 10-13-2008, 03:17 PM   #5
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

ok so im not going to make any excuses, but he has stopped in the past, and the funny thing is he has started drinking more that just when things are actually going really good for us. He was out of a job for almost a year and we were struggling hard we almost lost our home twice and he we couldnt catch a break. But now he has a great job, I have a good job and things are going great. But when he was stressed he drank, and i understood to some degree, but he drank less than but still quite a bit and we talked about it and he said it helps me calm down and get some sleep im real stressed. it will all change when i get a good job, i wont drink as much because i will have to get up early and i dont want to feel like crap plus i wont be so stressed. but now that he has been working he has been hiding the booze, i dont mind a few beers after work but a few beers and a pint of whisky, everyday no no no he knows i dont like when he drinks liquor bcuz he acts retarded but when he drinks like 4 beers its like hes a little relaxed but i wouldnt even know he had been drinking. So he will go to the store to say he is buying a beer and he will come home with a 22 ounce beer. but hide the pint of whisky and ill say so what did u get at the store and he says a beer, he will never fess up to the whisky but i know his hiding spot, and he did it again today but instead he only bought a half pint and a 22 ounce beer. but he hid the whisky i checked b4 i left for work and it was there!! I am going to talk to him about it tonite. I might wait til the weekend as my daughter is going to visit my parents for the weekend and we NEVER argue in front of her it is one of our rules, i dont know if it will turn into a fight or not so maybe i should wait until the weekend. and the thing is he listens to me he loves me so much so i think if i truly sit him down and talk to him he will listen i just dont know what to say to him with out making him feel attacked or guilty or just like an ***, i know that feeling when he confronted me on how many pain pills i used to take. and i got help, and i want this convo. to be effective so what should i say to him how should i word things to show him exactly how i feel and what i want to change. i dont mind if he drinks occasionaly, but not everyday. I have said things but the words were kinda casual i want to talk to him for real, how do i start out i cant just start and say "Hey i think you drink to much!" I need to be more i dont know how do confront someone with a problem without making them mad, or feel threatened or attacked? Help Please if anyone reads this today please respond before 7 pm cuz i wont be by a computer again until wednesday at 9 am so help!!!!!!!!

 
Old 10-13-2008, 04:00 PM   #6
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

Hey Emily's Mom,

Both you and your guy have addiction problems. Sounds like you are trying to deal with yours, but he is not. How about you both attend some AA or NA meetings together? You can be there for each other and support each other with the help of the other members at the meetings. Just a suggestion

I wish you both the best in battling your demons.

JB

 
Old 10-13-2008, 05:53 PM   #7
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

I actually have been in recovery for 3 months and i have been to NA meetings he has been to AA when he was younger only because he was caught as a minor drinking and the courts made him. I think he needs to cut back first and then go. I wrote him a letter and i have not given it to him yet and it just explains how i feel about the whole thing and how he needs to stop and im there for him 100 percent. so hopefully when he reads that it will trigger something, like i said he is such a great guy and he would do anything for me, he loves me alot i havnt pushed this issue enough i think once i do he will see and start the road to quitting, i know he would do it for me and the little one. But it is a tough thing to confront a person on, i dont want him to feel guilty, or bad, i just want him to know that i am here to help him all the way. But thanks! ALSO ANYONE OUT THERE GOING THRU THE SAME THING!!!! HELP SEND THIS POST TO YOUR FRIENDS, I NEED AS MUCH ADVICE AS I CAN GET iknow the easy solution is to say just leave him, but i cant just leave him, he needs me he has a problem and he needs me there for support and help, you guys wouldnt of wanted your loved one to just leave you cuz you had a problem, he didnt just leave me over my issue, he has been a help, so i cant leave him just yet, if i stand behind him and then he dosent do anything then i will leave as for now, im gonna help him thru this. I love him so so so much? and i am gonna try to help him. isnt that the right thing to do? HELP

Last edited by mod-anon; 10-15-2008 at 01:23 PM. Reason: removed quote

 
Old 10-13-2008, 09:34 PM   #8
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

Honestly it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that he is this great guy who will quit drinking just because you ask him to...but reality is, if he's an alcoholic, which if he's drinking a pint of whiskey and several beers everyday, it's pretty clear he is, then he needs to get help. You mentioned that you think he needs to cut back on his drinking and then go to AA, why would you want him to do it this way? AA is there to help him cut back on his drinking, they could give him the help and support that he needs. You'll have to face the fact that this may be something that you cannot fix nor force him to fix, no matter how much you want to, because honestly right now it doesn't seem like he wants to fix the problem. Does he even admit that he has a problem? And what about the methadone problem, is he still stealing your pills? I'm sure your husband can be a nice guy when he's sober, they usually are, I know mine is....but it's not really about the few times they're sober, it's about all the time that they're drunk or high. If I were you I would try to get him to go back to AA at the least. And I still think you need to get a small safe and lock up your methadone if he's still taking it.

 
Old 10-15-2008, 08:45 AM   #9
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

I know I have made excuses for him on more than one occasion. I have made excuses to my family and i just cant get the balls or whatever to sit him down and talk to him about it. Yesterday he didnt get drunk he drank a half of a beer and that was it. We had such a good time, we took our daughter to a pumpkin festival and there were pony rides and all kinds of fun and he was happy and sober i just dont get why he cant be like that all the time, i mean i do because i was addicted to pills and i knew how i felt without them, but isnt alcohol different? Do they go thru the same type of WDs as an opiate addict? because i know how horrible those are. I wanted to talk to him yesterday I had the day off work and our daughter was in school and he was supposed to get off early and his boss ended up keeping him there the whole day and by the time he got home it was time to go to the pumpkin festival. So i guess it has to wait til this weekend when our daughter visits her grandparents but it was supposed to be our romantic weekend together, but i dont see any other opportunity i am gonna get for a while to talk to him about it until our daughter goes to visit her grandpaents for a weekend again which is usually once a month. so i dont want to wait a whole month to talk to him, but we have both been working alot and we were gonna relax and have a good time with just the two of us.SO that would be the best time huh? and the funny thing is if i keep all the money withme he usually cant get booze cuz i know if i give him $ for a "beer" and he goes to the store without me he will get the beer but sneaks the whisky so what i have been trying to do is either go with himso he just gets a beer, or i dont leavr $ and if he wants something to drink i stop at the store and get him the smallest beer possible. ANYWAYS i am always rambling about this its only becuse i have no one else to talk to about all this. My friends all know him and i dont like to tell them our personal problems all my friends think we have a perfect little life and family and they think we are so in love with each other which we are but not without our shar eof problems. So i keep it under wraps and it feels good to just let it loose! Please share stories and opinions about anything dont worry about offending me, the truth hurts sometimes, and i wont get offended by anything at this point, thanks!

 
Old 10-15-2008, 09:04 PM   #10
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

Reality is there is no way to confront him about his drinking without offending him. So give up that fantasy and realize it needs to be done regardless. Of course he's not gonna like it. So?..... Eventually he'll get over it. You must draw the line and take a stand. Do this for the future happiness of you and your family. You must tell him what is and is not acceptable, and be firm in stating what you won't tolerate as part of family life. He will need time to digest the info. and decide if he is man enough to rise to the challenge. If he can't handle it he may bow out. If he does you it will be an adjustment but you and your daughter will be better off. You can start looking for someone who is more of a family man while you still can. Time passes so quickly and the longer you let this behavior go on the harder it will be to snuff out. Deal with it now before too much time has passed and it is too late.

One other thing, the two addicts in my family both denied their substance addiction vehemently. But I would not even respond to their arguments, but just ignored their denials and continued to insist they would find a way to give it up or there would be consequences. Husband gave it up cold turkey (alcohol). Son went to rehab (cocaine). It's interesting to note that only AFTER they were without the substance (clean) were they finally able to admit they had a problem. So do NOT expect your partner to own up to having a problem while he is in the middle of it. You know they do - that's all that counts. So have the talk with him soon. Be sure of yourself when you do and he will be less likely to buck you. Good luck.

My advice to you as I have been there.

Last edited by mckeeckm123; 10-15-2008 at 09:21 PM.

 
Old 10-16-2008, 03:09 PM   #11
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Re: 2 problems in my household! HELP!

You just told your husband if he didnt quit that you would leave? I know that is what i have to do, its so damn hard and i dont know why the thing is to i have talked to him about this about 4 times before and he has admitted he had a problem and then he would quit for about a month then as soon as our lives would get stressful he would turn to the bottle again. He drinks to deal with stress and he has openly admitted that, when things are real stressful he gets drunk and all it does is make him feel more like crap and makes the problem worse and i have pointed that out to him before. His grandma just passed away 3 weeks ago and she was basically his mother and one of the kindest sweetest people on the planet and he took that really hard and he was gettin drunk everyday since then pretty much but before that he was only drinking at the most 3 times a week and out of those 3 days it was on the weekend. so one day during the week. But as soon as his grandma passed he hit the bottle hard. and he hasnt stopped, this is how it usually goes when things are good he dosent barely drink but as soon as something upsetting or stressful happens that is the first thing he turns to and he admits it. in his words he says he self medicates. he has anxiety disorder but the medications dont mix well with him as he has an addictive personality so he ends up abusing those to try to feel better. He actually accidentally overdosed on an anxiety medication when we were teenagers he didnt realize he had taken so many because he was in a panic mode and took like 3 an hour and he blacked out and ended up taking 32 all together, and the last thing he remembers is taking 3 and he said the rest is a blur. So as u can see i dont want him to do that either. So i am going to talk to him tonite i think because i am almost positive he will be sober when i get home later because he went to the party store for me because i wanted an energy drink for work and i watched him carry in the bag and stood in the kitchen with him when he emptied it and there was no booze and we share a car so he didnt hide it there. ANd when i hugged him i put my hands in his pockets. And he left the house this morning with no money i didnt give him any and we didnt have any so i know he didnt buy any then. And he cashed his paycheck and gave me all the money before i left so he has no money on him now. So we will see if he gets a friend to bring him some or if he will be sober tonite if he is sober tonite i will be the happiest woman on earth i will be able to finally talk to him and get it all off my chest. We have a busy morning tomarrow so mayb he chose not to drink tonite, who knows. But iknow that drinking for 3 weeks straight has made his addiction worse and maybe just maybe he has noticed how i have been ignoring him and being a bit*h to him everyday since he has been drinking so maybe he knows im upset. we will see...........

Last edited by mod-anon; 10-16-2008 at 09:43 PM. Reason: Please use the Quick Reply button instead of Quote Reply.

 
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