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magdolene 02-17-2009 08:47 AM

Taking a deep breath
Greetings to all! I have been lurking about on this board taking in all of the incredible stories everyone has. I am hoping I can join you because all of my efforts to conquer my alcoholism have failed.
I am 34 and have been drinking for a decade. I became a binge drinker quickly after initially trying to escape panic attacks. For the most part, I was able to function around my drinking, but through the past year I have nearly lost my job and I had to stop my efforts at futhering my education. Of course those issues merely scratch the surface, and I am running out of excuses that hide the problem.
I am an intelligent woman. I have researched the various methods of overcoming addiction and actually work in a field that deals with this sort of thing. I just can't seem to overcome this cycle of escaping, feeling even worse the next day.. Then beating myself up for it all day until I feel I must escape again. The ridiculous part of this is now it seems like I am drinking to escape from drinking. Gosh.... I know better.
Thanks for any and all input! - M

Secrets1983 02-17-2009 12:11 PM

Re: Taking a deep breath
Hello and WELCOME!

Of course you are welcome to join! We may not have the same drug of choice but addiction is addiction no matter what our preferences are.

It's funny how we do our frug of choice... it makes us feel like crap so we end up doing more to try and make that feeling go away only to find out in the end that we have made things 100 x's worse. It may not be something all people can understand but it certainly is something that a fellow addict can..... So, you are not alone! I completely understand!

We are a great support system and I hope you stick around! We are all suffering in one way or another and it helps to have each other. You will be in my thoughts!

carrara 02-17-2009 07:04 PM

Re: Taking a deep breath
I know how you feel. Ithink we all do. You have to make a choice a decision to put a stop to it. You can take control of your life back. I have had panic attacks and I know how scarry they are. I had 3 of them just in Jan. I took percocet for the last 3 years and I used every excuse to take more then I needed for pain. stress,whatever but it didn't help it just makes things worse. I think you are ready to stop or you wouldn't be here. please try you can do it!

mike s 02-17-2009 07:44 PM

Re: Taking a deep breath
Hi Magdolene & welcome. My name is Mike & I've been an alcoholic probably since my late teens. I'm 51 now & still fighting it. In & out of rehab & all the rest. I'm so fortunate I've never hurt anyone or ended up in jail. Please do whatever you can to get a handle on the alcohol issue. I wish I had stopped when I was 34 . You'll save yourself so much heartache. Believe me it can take over every part of your life if you progress in the desease. I've lost most of the use of my rt. arm due to nerve damage caused by my drinking & I'm rt handed. The bottle isn't worth this. You're so young & can have much happiness. The bottle has put me in a state of sorrow that I never could have imagined. I only have 11 days but I'm thankful for that. The good people on this board will help anyway they can. They sure have been there for me. We could work this together Magdolene. There's strength in numbers. Let me know if there's anyway I can help.......Mike

magdolene 02-18-2009 05:24 AM

Re: Taking a deep breath
Thanks to all of you for your replies! Support in this matter means the world to me! It has been very difficult to find my way out considering I am pretty reclusive and work with the people I am closest to. If I were to admit my problem to them I would gain their sympathy, but lose respect in the work place.
I was considering that popular 12 step program, but since I am agnostic it just didn't resonate with me personally. Being able to read the personal ups and downs of those on this board have really caused me to think about different methods of overcoming this....and more importantly, just because you slip doesn't mean you have to fall.
I also understand what it is like to be addicted to other drugs. I have had my share of them as well. It was only mandatory drug testing at work that caused me to quit. I am a single mother and can't afford to lose my job. I guess with that in mind I shouldn't have a problem getting over this, but it's all about being able to get away with something I suppose.
Again, my gratitude goes out to all of you. I hope that some day soon I can offer genuine help to others. -M

ANGELINMICHIGAN 02-18-2009 05:45 AM

Re: Taking a deep breath
Magdolene......Welcome to these boards. You will definitely find some help and support here. Everyone is so wonderful and will help you in any way they can. I was on Opiates or Pains Meds. for years due to chronic pain in my neck shoulders and head (also a headache since 2003). I also had failed neck surgery in 2003 and the pills helped with my pain but not 100% maybe only 40% but that was better than nothing. My body went into withdrawl eventually because I needed more oxycontin and vicodin to control the amount of pain I was in and instead had restless legs for 6 months. My doctor treated it with Re-quip which didn't work because it was withdrawl!!!! I didn't want to stay on the pain pills so I checked myself into Re-hab and went through the system and was put on suboxone to get the opiates out of my system. Which was very difficult and another story . I am now about 43 days clean and have my life back (except for my chronic pain which I am working on now to get help but no pain meds so it is very difficult). What I am trying to say to you.....your mind is a strong thing and you need to have a plan so you can get your life back. Your child or children need you to be there for them 100%. What will happen to them if you keep this up??? I am not trying to be harsh, it is just a reality. You don't need the need to get your life back!!!! (I guess this is a form of TOUGH LOVE..sorry).
We are all with you here on these boards for support and help and will answer any questions that you might need answering (if we can help).

I think you need to find "MikeS" posts. He is the one that wrote back to you right away. His posts are inspiring and honest and you will see what he has been through (and is going through now) and you and him could maybe post.

I definitely think a 12 step program will help and you have to go into it with a mind state of getting clean. Don't hang around with anyone else that drinks and don't have any alcohol in the house. I know you know all of this but I am just trying to make suggestions.

Take care of yourself and please tell someone that you are close to so they can help you and maybe babysit while you get some help and be there for support.

Please think about this and think that "you want to get your life back" and soon. You have everything to live for, it is a wonderful world out there!!!!!

Good Luck


Lyn in Michigan :angel:

Lugar22 02-18-2009 07:33 AM

Re: Taking a deep breath
:wave:Hiya mate. I see you have had posts from some of the fantastic peeps on the site. Please take to heart what they have to say as they mean it all in the best way. We are all trapped by some form of addiction and are all at different stages of clawing our way back to life. Im back to day one today and like you have kids. Its so hard granted , but we are all in the best place to recieve the support we need. This is a great place to vent all your true feelings and thoughts. As addicts we spend so much time covering things up and lying that it feels good to be honest and realise that people are still there for you. Nobody here will recoil in horror at anything you want to say .... you will just be answered by peeps that reallly want to see you blossom back into the person you should be. You deserve that and so does your family.
Have you ever thought bout AA? Its something that Im starting to look into as some have said that its awesome.
Never fear about losing your respect will only gain in strength and support.
Keep posting...........CC XOXOX

carrara 02-19-2009 06:36 AM

Re: Taking a deep breath
How are you doing? I've been thinking about you and your familly. I don't know what it's like to try to quit drinking , but maybe you should just try to drink less, take it one day at a time. Then when you feel ready to stop it won't be as big a shock to your sytem, and you can start to fell good about every drink you don't have now. It will make you feel stonger and better about yourself. I don't understand what you meant about (being able to get away with something) but it doesn't sound like a good thing. I think you are cunfused right now and you need to take steps to be in control of your drinking. You have already taken the first hardest step, you have admitted you have a problem and you want to stop. So....try for yourself and for your kids. Keep talking to us it will help you it has helped us. Take that nexted big step! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

magdolene 02-20-2009 07:13 AM

Re: Taking a deep breath
Thank you for your suggestion. I havn't considered cutting back for a long time. All of my latest attempts have been of the "cold turkey" variety. I will certainly give it a try! :)
Regarding my statement about being able to get away with something.. I meant that drinking is the only thing I was left to use/abuse after they started random drug testing at work. If I use anything else I could lose my job for sure.
Your'e right, I do need to consider my kids more in this matter. I don't want them to grow up with this habit. I despised watching my mom drink, act crazy and pass out when I was a kid. In spite of that, I still ended up with the same habit. Thank you for your help! :D

1Rodfan 02-20-2009 07:42 AM

Re: Taking a deep breath
My name is Linda and I am going thru the same thing you are. Please know that you are not alone. I struggle with alcohol addiction everyday. I have read it is dangerous to try to detox yourself from this horrible thing I don't know if it's true but I get scared. My daughter is grown (21) but she is still my baby. I also have a 9 month old grandson Gabriel who relies on me also! We all have a story honey but know that I thought of u when I read ur post. I also used to go to work with Vodka in my coffee not a good thing . I can't hold a job today because of my addiction except for cleaning homes with my friend who also drinks. No kind good quality of life. Please know that you are not alone for I have found that I am not. We need to regroup and get help for I come from a family that addiction runs in. I lost my momma and pop to cancer and my sister to an overdose of several things. She was 38 and left behind 3 young children whom I hold close. I found her and am having a hard time dealing. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you I hope they are with me also. The only one that can change things is you. I have to do that also, do I have the strength? I pray so hard.
Let me know how you are.

magdolene 02-22-2009 08:01 PM

Re: Taking a deep breath
Thank you for sharing. I believe we have alot in common. I started drinking wine in the evenings to calm my nerves after I became a mother. I felt like it was a reward to a long day after I got everything done and put my son to bed. After a few years passed and my marriage went bad, I started drinking Vodka until I was drinking (atleast) half a fifth a night. It was hit and miss in the years after that but the past couple of years I have gotten to the point in which I have been drinking whiskey almost every night...usually a half-pint or pint. I do well through the day, but in the evenings..especially during my hour-long drive from work, I resign to the temptation.
I too come from a family that struggles with addiction. Who knows if it's really in the genes or it is a learned behavior. It's tough either way.
I have tried to overcome since I joined this board..taking other's advice, but I gave in 3 days last week. Today is day one and I have been trying very hard just to focus on today. If I think about yesterday I become so disappointed with myself that I end up giving in. I am trying to fight all the habits that take me there again. Hopefully I will make it through tomorrow.. If I can just fight the urge to stop at the liquor store on my way home.
Thank you again Linda. I hope you are well. Maybe if we collaborate we can find a way out. :)

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