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    Old 09-21-2009, 08:39 AM   #151
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reach, thank you for your, as usual, penetrating and thoughtful reply.

    I'll try identifying the "need/trigger" when I get cravings. It certainly looks like just saying, "oh, it's only for the fun of it" and "it really is the only way I seem to be able to work" hasn't worked so far in terms of self-analysis.

    Fortunately, last night I had something of an epiphany--again--focusing on the fact that what I feel under the influence really isn't only pleasure, but also has a somewhat "cloudy" element to it.

    Also, as hard as it is to accept, I guess I, too, became more and more reclusive burying myself in my work, and having to force myself to stop for "family time" every night as late as 7:30 with only an hour to go before the kids' bedtime. It was confusing for me to separate my love of work and my love of the pills. Differenting the two is still hard to completely understand and deal with out of fear, if that makes any sense.

    I'm on a roll with my work and feel a lot stronger today than yesterday in terms of being able to turn away from mother's little helper.

    I just want you to know that you, Denon and Kew are so inspirational and help give me strength.

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    Old 09-21-2009, 08:42 AM   #152
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Just wanted to add that in Victorian days, gin was apparently in popular use and rather socially acceptable. It became referred to as "Mother's ruin." Well, I can add hydro to that.

    Old 09-21-2009, 12:06 PM   #153
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    "How could I stay clean for a month, then warp myself back into my old habit if there weren't some deep and underlying cause"?

    Hi Reader,
    I so wanted to respond to you after Reach's post which was hard to hear but needed to be said. I wanted to comfort you and defend you as someone who was just beginning to deal with addiction.....that's MY own ****, co-dependency, projection, trying to "save" others from being hurt.....that is stuff I need to deal with so I'm glad I waited for you to process Reach's post and for you to respond. Thank you for remaining OPEN to feedback, even feedback that may be gut-wrenching to hear and feel.
    You ask in the above quote how you can stay clean for a month then warp yourself back into your old can because you are an ADDICT, you have an ADDICTION. Sometimes we forget how clearly simple it is....would we, if we had say cancer, wonder, how can I stay in remission for 6 months then my cancer become active again??? The deep and underlying cause is the disease. It just is. The thing that I think makes us lucky about our disease, yes I said LUCKY, is that we have a choice to stop it while sufferers from so many other diseases don't have a choice or at least not much of one.
    I'm trying to be grateful for this choice instead of wallowing in self pity which I have been doing lately. Tomorrow is 4 months for me on suboxone....still having struggles, depresssion, wondering how and when I'll go off the stuff instead of just letting it go, letting it be how it is. I start a recovery group this Friday with mostly therapeutic drug court folks that are in for DWI's but are a hightly motivated group. I'm scared I'll be the only pill popper there and they won't understand me, won't like me, will talk behind my back....all of the old fears come flooding back when I walk into a group of people.
    You are right where you are supposed to be at this moment....just be and know you are here for a reason. We are all learning lessons, at different paces and different time frames. When the time comes for you to know you have to become completely clean, you will know it. It may come from inside, it may come from a catastrophic consequence (I hope not) but it will come, or it won't. You have the power. Keep on keepin' ya!


    Old 09-23-2009, 11:48 AM   #154
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    just a quick thought, reader,

    so much of what we do to conquer our addiction happens as shifts in our thinking.

    on that note, do you think you might benefit from changing your nickname for hydro from "mother's little helper" to something that better personifies the evil side of the addiction?

    I think for me it would be "mother's evil secret" or something to that nature. I know being on the pills made me feel like a lying, ungenuine, fake, loser of a human whose real, meaninful life was being held hostage by my addiction. I hated that feeling. It is nice to know that is not somehow I have to feel.

    Old 09-28-2009, 03:42 AM   #155
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    How are you doing? Have you made the decision to be sober yet?

    Old 09-28-2009, 07:21 AM   #156
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Well at last I felt that I want to stop again. Last night the sense that I was really flying over the top hit me. It was a relief. I'd been waiting for it, unable to make the decision to quit. I felt a penetrating sense of worry that use would escalate and I'd really be back where I was before I was clean.

    While I'm still not quite there, I feel that that was a step forward. I fear that it's going to take a few more episodes like that before I can actually grip the determination it takes to quit. I've always been able to do what I've made up my mind to do, and this just shouldn't, it really shouldn't be different, but nothing in the past was leaving behind something that made me feel good.

    Right now tapering seems preferable to going to CT as I did last time. Perhaps I'm fooling myself that I can effectively use this method as the last time it didn't really work. But even though my physical WD was fairly mild, (intermittent chills, rebound headaches, one night of frequent trips to bathroom, some yawning, restless sleep for a couple of nights, backaches), I don't want to live through it again. However, if I do go CT, I still have my bottles of suboxone that I could use this time around, which might help with the cravings.

    I don't know if tapering helps alleviate the cravings, which were terrible for me. I hope so. As I was able to do in the past, I can still go 16 hours between last and first dose of the day.

    It is so hard to think about how I slipped deeper and deeper into addiction. It seems like it was such a subtle passage from pain management to recreation, to using for the overall pleasureable sense of well being that when reality hit it was total shock.

    I think there are about 4 weeks before the grief processing group begins that I want to join. While I've long thought that I really worked my through all of my many losses to death, I just have to try to delve more deeply into this. Perhaps there *is* a part of me that unconsciously feels hollow that the hydro fills.

    Perhaps finding that part of me really will give me strength because I've had a hard time seeing my abuse as destructive even though I know that it just has to be.

    That said, I do remember the intense fear of the loss of creativity and potential brain damage, which was what brought me to WD the first time and I'm also waiting for that fear to hit again.

    Although I failed in my first attempt to get clean, I hope that in some way others can learn from my experience, identify in some way and, perhaps, be able to avoid my mistake.

    So, here I sit in a holding pattern, relieved that I had a small breakthrough in that I did want to quit.

    May we all find peace and above all, strength today.

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