It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Addiction & Recovery Message Board

  • Scared, almost ready--long post



  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 06-09-2009, 10:15 PM   #16
    tryinghardmom
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    tryinghardmom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2006
    Posts: 186
    tryinghardmom HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Hi R! Sorry I'm a few days late getting up to speed, but I'm glad I found your post. I haven't been on the boards in a looong time....but something had been nagging me to pop back in and I'm glad I did! I'm a stay-at-home-mom to two awesome kids...ages 11 and 12, and it's very hard to find the privacy to get on here for too long of a time unless it's after everyone's in bed, so I'm gonna prop my eyelids open with toothpicks and post this :-) because oh, how I remember the misery that you're living in right now.

    I have been on suboxone since Nov. '07. It has been a literal life saver. I was doing many of the things you're doing....going to multiple doctors, buying from internet, taking sometimes 30 mg of hydro at a time, but many more times/day than you are. I look back sometimes and just do not even recognize the person I'd become...I have cried myself to sleep many a night with the shame of it all, but I've moved past it....the emotional energy just isn't worth it....and I know I'm forgiven also. :-) My fear about suboxone was that I'd just be trading one addiction for another....when I started even just in '07, that was a pretty big hot topic on the boards, and I'm noticing a lot more pro-suboxone threads these days...I think it's just saved a lot of people. I went onto suboxone's website and searched for dr's in my area that could prescribe it, and happened to have one nearby who took my insurance. His staff worked my in....I just leveled with them on the phone and begged to get in.....and it has changed my life. Had my first consult with the doctor and was just dead honest about amnts and everything....he didn't bat an eye and treated me with absolute class and compassion...he reassured me that I just wouldn't believe how common the whole 'suburban housewife addicted to pain pills' thing is and then came in the next day to start the sub, had to be in mild withdrawal, and within an hour of starting it, I felt more like myself than I had IN YEARS. I think some people are scared of the fact that you need to start sub in mild w/d's, but I just can't stress enough how worth it it is. It has taken away virtually all of my cravings. I know it's hard to even imagine life not thinking about the pills, but it does exist. I know that sub is not possible or maybe the answer for everyone, but man, if it's even remotely possible or affordable, I just can't put into words how it's changed things. It was almost like getting to do a 'System Restore' if you know anything about computers ;-). I think that my usage was high enough that my dr is in no big hurry to quit the suboxone....and quite frankly, if I have to stay on it forever, that'll be okay. I'd rather eventually take nothing, but right now feels like a gift every day.

    So....my point is..hang in there....you are SO not alone, and it is possible to beat this nasty demon.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 06-10-2009, 12:02 PM   #17
    subssavedme
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    subssavedme's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2009
    Posts: 3
    subssavedme HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    S-U-B-O-X-O-N-E is for you my friend. I was pretty much doing the same things you are doing and i found suboxone, i just started it but it's a mircale drug that will let you get your life back. Good luck to you.

     
    Old 06-11-2009, 07:04 AM   #18
    readerroz
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    readerroz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 136
    readerroz HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    I stand outside my bidy watching myself through this process. I went to another meeting, this one participation. I got a white chip for being a first-timer. There were about 11-12 people there. With maybe one exception, everyone was there because they were court ordered into some kind of treatment plan. Both meetings I've attended were in rather "rugged" neighborhoods.

    I don't know what I was hoping for, maybe some kind of thunderclap that would kick-start me into the first 9 yards, but it didn't happen. Again, I felt out of place. I know that we all shared the same basic torment, but no one, and I guess no one ever will, really echoed my experience. For some reason, I'd like to see just one other ordinary housewife who's in the same boat as I. I've got to say that I've found that here.

    The next day after the last meeting, I managed to not take a dose til around 4 PM. Oddly, although it was around 18 hours since I took my last 30 mg dose (making the day before total 90 mg), I had no symptoms of WD. Could it be that I'm not really physically addicted, "just" psychologically dependent? Since that day, I'm back to 90/day, with one day up to 120. Today I'd like to get to another meeting, a different one.

    I'm staying on the site even though I'm still using because reading your replies, and other poster's messages, is really helping me address the "wanting-to-stop" challenge.

    From what I've continued to read on here, sub seems to really help with the obsessive focus on the next dose. I still haven't called the addiction specialists. I know that is probably partly because of some kind of denial, and unreadiness on my part. If I do that, then I'm commited to this path and although I've made the first step, right now I'm temporarily frozen with one foot lifted and the other in place.

    What I'm discovering is that this isn't a one-day-at-a-time process for me. It's more like a half hour by half hour experience.

     
    Old 06-11-2009, 07:07 AM   #19
    readerroz
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    readerroz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 136
    readerroz HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Subssavedme, thanks for the heads up. I'm so glad that sub is helping you.

     
    Old 06-11-2009, 08:15 AM   #20
    hppygr8ful
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    hppygr8ful's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2009
    Posts: 26
    hppygr8ful HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    My sponsor once told me if you can't do it one day at time then just do it one second at a time. Those seconds will add up to hours, those hours into days, days to weeks etc.... I would suggest that you get you hands on a meeting directory so that you can find more meetings in your area - they are not all in "rugged areas and believe me there are a lot of people like you out there. Our disease makes us want to believe we are "Normal and Ordinary" but we are not. The Big Book states "......Through every means of self deception we have tried to prove ourselves exceptions to the rule and therefor not alcoholic(addict)" When you stop thinking of yourself as an ordinary housewife and start thinking of your self as an addicted housewife you will be on your way to recovery. No matter what our circumstances those of us who use substances in an addictive pattern are all just one DUI or felony cahrge for DR. Shopping away from those people court ordered into recovery.

    If the AA/NA doesn't appeal to you, you may want to look into the "Celebrate Recovery" program which meets in churches throughout the US and Canada. You may find more people from your particular walk of life there.


    Peace and Namaste

    Hppy

    Last edited by mod-anon; 06-11-2009 at 09:10 PM. Reason: removed quote

     
    Old 06-11-2009, 05:23 PM   #21
    NotPerky
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    NotPerky's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2008
    Location: East Coast, US
    Posts: 304
    NotPerky HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader, I've read your posts and can completely relate. I've been on oxycodone for back problems for 5 years....it's ruined my life....tried to taper once last year and once this year, ended up going back because I was so incapacitated without the drug. I am trying again, and even told my doctor to give me less this time! So I'm sort of forced into sticking to the taper. I haven't projected my timeline out because I don't want to get discouraged. I'm not on a huge dose, but I have one of those "sensitive systems" that notices every little WD symptom....or maybe some of it is psychological. I don't want to hijack the thread, so I'll just say -- you have company -- and good luck....please keep posting!

     
    Old 06-14-2009, 10:56 PM   #22
    readerroz
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    readerroz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 136
    readerroz HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Failed failed failed.

    It's been hard to post because I've been feeling so weak, and I guess afraid of being called a wimp because I know what has to be done and I'm just not consistently there yet.

    Struggling with my *will* to do this. I do well with the taper for one day, or two, then I won't cut back the last dose the next day. I feel like weeping. I wish my mother were alive to take care of me. How's that for total regression....

    I think I need to go to a meeting every day. Just make myself do it. Monday starts the last week of school, then the kids will be out and home all day for a week before summer school starts, so I only have these next few days to go every day. I'm welcoming the following week of no school as some kind of relief. I don't know why, but I even find their going school stressful, so it's nice to have them home. Once they start summer school, I'll only be able to go to night time meetings which will be hard, but better than feeling this isolation.

    For some reason, I can't bring myself to call the addiction specialist doctor. When I do, I know that that will be taking this to the next level, a very unknown level and, therefore, terribly frightening for me.

    Sometimes, I just feel like packing up the kids and running away; move to a new city; start a new life, paint some walls, plant some trees in a new yard. . . . Hah! as if this kind of baggage wouldn't follow me. . . . As if that monkey wouldn't have his arms and legs still wrapped around my back. . . .

    Again, thanks for reading through all of this. Frankly, just writing seems to help. AND knowing that I'm really not alone.

     
    Old 06-15-2009, 01:09 AM   #23
    gwjones
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    gwjones's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2009
    Posts: 2
    gwjones HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    readerroz,
    I'm that housewife that can relate to you. Boy when you said "just psychologically dependent" really hit me and realize I think that is how I fell.
    I am taking about 15mg of Oyx. a day,my last pills was last night. I am doing fine right now becasue I am alone. I only have 10 pills left and I will not have anymore. So I have to get my life on track. These pills make me feel good, make me social and fun. It also, helps me hide feelings I don't want to deal with. I have a hard time being social without the pills. I have to plan what I am doing, with how many pills I have. My life has stopped because of these pills. I want to be free of them. It's great to talk with people here that understand and don't judge. Since no one knows what I am doing and I live in a very very small town. It would be good to hear from you and everyone else.
    We can talk more, so you can get to know me and love to hear more about you. I will take it hour by hour, or sometimes min. by min. Tomorrow, Monday. Let's start! Bless you!

     
    Old 06-17-2009, 09:48 PM   #24
    tryinghardmom
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    tryinghardmom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2006
    Posts: 186
    tryinghardmom HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Hi again Readeroz....glad to see you post again. Believe me...there've been so many times that I've posted on this board and then failed miserably and just didn't feel like ever posting again...but everyone on here knows exactly what it's like.

    I just encourage you to go ahead and take the next step....whether it's finding a dr who is a suboxone expert or whatever you're comfortable with....but I have so been where you are now....and although you may feel like you're hiding it from the kids or able to keep all the plates spinning successfully, you're not. There's just no way to be the kind of mom you want to be and still have one foot dangling in the addiction pool. Addiction is a jealous mistress who will keep for herself the best you have to offer and leave your family (and yourself) the crumbs left behind. Believe me, friend, I don't want to sound harsh, but it's just that I've lived it and know how absolutely all consuming it is. We're given one try at this life and it's just too precious to waste it away with pills. They will suck you and your family dry.

    So go ahead and make the call....your family is worth it...and so are you!
    Christy

     
    Old 06-18-2009, 07:54 AM   #25
    readerroz
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    readerroz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Posts: 136
    readerroz HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    So good to read from others like myself in so many ways.

    After reading through all of the posts I feel a bit stronger today. I *can* start to taper again. I *will* be able to make it to meetings next week when the kids are out of school by just going to the noon ones. Thanks to carpool duty (last day of school--yay!), I can't make it to a mid-day meeting today, but maybe tonight there's one for me somewhere. I see there's something called "candlelight" that sounds interesting.

    I'm *so* stubborn in my belief that this hasn't had an impact on my children, but maybe I'd do more with them on weekends if I weren't using. As I'm a widow I have no real sounding board here at home, no yardstick with which to measure my behavior. I was with my friends to whom I completely intended to reveal myself last weekend, then didn't. Nor did I call my oldest son who I know will be very supportive as he fights his own demons with alcohol and cigarettes.

    In my life I've faced some terribly challenging times, (haven't we all) and I made it through them all with a seemingly vanished determination and, then, faith. Perhaps this drug by its very insidious nature has stolen that ability from me. I'm not a weak person by any means, but faced with this I stumble again and again.

    At this moment, I feel empowered. Maybe I need to come back to the board throughout the day for re-inforcement. I'm just so worried that everyone here will weary of my back-and-forth thinking and behavior.

    Please stick with me. I know I can get back down to 90 mg today. I'll review my taper plan which I haven't been doing. I also know I can delay my first dose several hours. I have important things to do and that will keep my mind off the jonesing.

    OK, once again, time to start getting the kids off to school--one down, two to go.

    ;>)

     
    Old 06-18-2009, 12:43 PM   #26
    NotPerky
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    NotPerky's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2008
    Location: East Coast, US
    Posts: 304
    NotPerky HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader, I'm so glad you posted because I noticed you were MIA for a few days....I wondered what was happening. Believe me, I know the feeling about not wanting to annoy everyone on here. This is my THIRD taper attempt. Last time I was telling someone on here I was absolutely SURE I was going to make it. Then....I failed. After explaining to everyone that I had relapsed, then went MIA for a few months. Now I'm back. Whether my taper works this time or not, there is still so much help and support on this board. Now don't leave us again without telling us where you're going! :-)

     
    Old 06-18-2009, 01:15 PM   #27
    brianpain33
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Aug 2007
    Location: COLUMBUS, OHIO
    Posts: 2,153
    brianpain33 HB Userbrianpain33 HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader - I think you might want to slow the taper down a little bit. You are trying to jump down from 120mg to 90mg. That is a 25% reduction in dosage. The best way to taper is 10% at a time. Maybe you could try taking 1 less pill every 5 days. Put it on a calendar or Outlook email program if you have it. Have it set to pop up a reminder every time you open it that says 11 pills today or something like that. That is what I would do.

    I estimate that it would take around 55 - 60 days if you drop by 1 pill every 5 days. What do you think abou that schedule?

    brian

     
    Old 06-18-2009, 09:13 PM   #28
    tryinghardmom
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    tryinghardmom's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2006
    Posts: 186
    tryinghardmom HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Good to see your post! Go for it regarding the disclosure to your friends. You will be amazed at the support you'll receive. Nobody says you have to scream it from the mountaintops, but choose some trusted friend(s) who you know will have the guts to check back in on you...and the accountability is priceless. I found it very freeing to come clean with some selected individuals in my life. At the time that I came clean with a particular friend, my husband and I had been leading a bible study from church, and I told her that it disgusted me to have such hypocrisy going on in my life and felt unworthy of anyone 'looking up to me' anymore. I only mention that because I was in a position of mentorship, you might say, and felt like I'd let all my ladies in the group down. She very tearfully told me that she had a greater respect for me after my confession than before. No horn-tooting going on here...just trying to encourage you to just shine a bright light on the darkness...I think addictions thrive in darkness and solitude and shame. Hang in there and keep posting.

     
    Old 06-18-2009, 10:57 PM   #29
    NotPerky
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    NotPerky's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2008
    Location: East Coast, US
    Posts: 304
    NotPerky HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    It's funny (actually sad) that I have many many friends, not to mention family, and not one that I feel I can reveal my secret to. Not one. I'm so embarrassed....but it's not only that, I don't feel they'll understand....and they'll just think I'm a junkie....maybe talk about it to each other behind my back. And they'll never forget....even if I get off this stuff, they'll maybe always wonder if I'm really clean. Watch me more carefully. I just can't do it. (That's why this board and you guys are so important to me.) So Reader, I feel your dilemma on the "reveal" aspect, that's for sure.

     
    Old 06-19-2009, 05:58 AM   #30
    SpinalMalady
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    SpinalMalady's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Location: the DEEP S
    Posts: 596
    SpinalMalady HB UserSpinalMalady HB User
    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader:

    I'm going to be a bit more harsh than the others. You need to stick to that taper for the sake of your kids if not for yourself. Just for the simple fact that who will take care of them when Mommy is in jail for doctor shopping?? And then for sure your little secret will be out and how??

    You CAN do it, you are not on a "HIGH" dosage. I've seen others on much higher doses do a successful taper. If you feel you can't do this alone, then call a sub doc...

    I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you deserve to be clean, and the children deserve to have their mom with them!

    I know it's easy for me to say, as I'm not an addict, but trust me, I have lived with them. You CAN do this. Go slow, and steady, and before you know it, you will be there.

    Check out the home detox thread at the top of the page. Lots of remedies to help you through w/d's, if you should encounter them, but if you stick to a 10% taper, you should not encouter many w/d symptoms.

    Much luck, and my prayers will be with you and your family.

    __________________
    \lm/ = "I Love You" in Sign Language

    12/10/04 MicroD & Hemi Lami 100% Success
    09/05 Re-injured post Katrina
    06-07 In Pain Mgmt. trying to deal
    3/9/07 2 Level PLIF due to CES

     
    Closed Thread




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is On
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:03 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!