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    Old 07-13-2009, 04:58 PM   #46
    NotPerky
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Readerroz, just wondering how you are. Please check in when you can, no matter what your taper status is, OK? Thinking of you!

     
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    Old 07-23-2009, 07:40 AM   #47
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Hi NotPerky,

    Well, I'm not feeling so perky either because of utter fatigue due to restless leg (and arm) syndrome.

    There were 2 nights of the RLS that about drove me crazy, then 2 nights of off-and-on insomnia. I'd get up and walk circles in the living room to ease the tension. Twice, around 3-4AM I took an extra 30 mg dose that put me to sleep. Each day I became more and more exhausted. I'm not sure that this far along in the taper this had anything to do with the detox, but I have no idea where it came from.

    As this progressed, I found myself increasing my Vyvance just to function. Yesterday I took 150 mg. The final 50 mg dose did help somewhat. Today, I'm sticking to my prescribed 50 mg as I don't want to become dependent on the higher dosage.

    I've stayed at 80 mg/day pretty consistently without a problem for about 3 weeks, so this may be the longest taper in history.

    This may be off-topic, but on day 2 of this RLS/insomnia wierdness, my computer froze and I lost a document I'd spent the entire day working on , as well as losing 3 open windows of research and thought I'd lose my mind. I couldn't remember what the research was, so I couldn't go back and find it again. I took an extra dose of the hydro, obviously "crutch" behavior.

    I've been slow to decrease because I've wanted to give myself a chance to make the psychological adjustment. I realize that this may be part of my ambivalence, but the 10 mg decrease does seem to encourage me because I don't feel deprived, and at least it's less than my previous 90-120mg/day intake.

    Last night--finally--I didn't have the RLS, and only woke up once or twice, so I'm not quite so out of it and feel like I may actually be able to have a productive day. I'm going to give myself another couple of days to get completely rested and, therefore, have more psychological strength, and then drop another 10 mg to a total of 70 mg/day.

    When, and if I slip, I'm not going to beat myself up. So far, I've just picked myself back up and gotten back on the pony. Oddly, and I hope realistically, knowing that I can pace myself to my personal comfort level, as well as slip from time to time, seems to give me strength.

    I think I've been reluctant to post because I was afraid people were getting tired of my sort of back and forth thinking. However, I've felt something lacking in my recovery life and had to come back this morning and see if anyone was still out there.

    I'm amazed at the number of people who've read this thread. I'm hoping that my experience resonates in some way that helps at least one person on their path. Looking at the thousands of folks who've come to this board tells me how very many there are of us on this journey. Our stories are so different, yet so similar. Clearly many do not post, but watch from afar. For me (and probably many of us who post), the messages here are *so* encouraging and supportive that they become an essential part of our recovery.

    In the end, I guess I don't care how long this process takes. I *will* finally be free,

    It would be swell to hear from any of you again. You don't know how much it means to me.

     
    Old 07-24-2009, 10:43 AM   #48
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Well, last night I woke up again a couple of times, but it was nothing like those nights of RLS. I had taken a daily total of 70mg of hydro, but I think that around 11 my head was aching so bad, I took a 30mg dose. Walked out into my office, didn't even turn on the light, shook 3 pills out of the bottle and chewed 'em up. Now why in the world didn't I just take 1? I think that would have been enough for the pain.

    What that did was remind me just how powerful the the unconscious mind is, how thoughtless, habituated behavior can just leap up and smack us in the face.

    This morning I was so weary, weary, weary. Just couldn't move. Ate a protein bar, sat in front of laptop where I could scarcely read. I'd already taken my regular dose of Vyvance, but I broke down and took another 50 mg. Then took a long, really hot bath, followed by a shower, sat in massage chair for 20 minutes vibrating away, drinking coffee, finally forced myself to do makeup, etc., and get dressed. By then, life was returning to my body. So, about 4 hours after awakening, I'm finally feeling normal.

    Haven't taken my first 30 mg of hydro yet. Don't feel any urge, or interest, have no pain, so why bother?

    Tonight, again, I'm going to try to decrease down another 10 mg, for a total of 70mg/day.

    So, OK, ready to face the day, take one child to airport, another to therapy, feed ice cream to yet another (post tonsillectomy), then finally off to the movies at 4.

    Oddly, I'm looking forward to the last dose of the day when I'll take just take a 20 mg dose, instead of 30.

    Looks like this is turning into some kind of journaling process. . . .

     
    Old 07-24-2009, 04:26 PM   #49
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader, thanks for updating us, and I truly understand about the need to "journal" during this difficult process. I would probably be writing more extensively if using the laptop wasn't so darn uncomfortable.

    I admit I never heard of Vyvance and had to Google it. Sounds like it's some type of amphetamine or stimulant? Is it something you're taking for a medical condition? Maybe the increased dosage is contributing towards your inability to sleep? I admit, I'm dependent on Ambien for sleep and have been taking a bit "extra" to sleep during the taper process. But as far as I'm concerned, I'll deal with Ambien after I'm off opioids.

    Anyway, you've got so much on your plate....and don't have the luxury of just hunkering down and blowing everything off like I am (not that that's a good thing either). I think your attitude about the taper is still good (getting back on the horse, uh, so to speak LOL), but the exhaustion is taking a toll. Maybe you should stick to the current dosage until you feel a little better? And not substitute with extra Vyvance. In the meantime, I'll challenge you for the "longest taper ever" title....

     
    Old 07-25-2009, 01:19 AM   #50
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Readerroz,
    I have read your entire thread ove the past hour and frankly, it frightens me. I see a person who would desperately like to stop taking the drugs, but is overwhelmed by such fear,,the end result being that your just sputteralong really making little progress.
    One thing I caught several times in your postings is something that I am VERY surprised that some of the old-timers haven;t commented upon. If I read your comments correctly, you are going to several doctors throgh the month to get enough prescriptions to make it through the month. This is a serious crime. The DEA and Pharmacies do cross reference records, looking for such violations. Hon, you do not want to walk into a pharmacy and get arrested on the spot. It does happen all too frequently.

    I recommentd selecting the doctor that you have the most faith in and come completely clean to him. Be 10% honest and hold nothng back. You will be amazed at the weoght you will feel lifted off your shoulders. Partner WITH your doctor to coordinate a tpaer regimen tht is acceptable to both you AND him. There are also other medications other there that greatly help reduce the sysmptoms of withdrawl. Clonidine is a bloodpressure med that does wonderd for the chills and sweats. The doctor could also prescrbe you a small script of a benzo to help with your nerves during the difficult time.

    But PLEASE stop trying to do it alone! As others have siad, the NA meetings were lifesavers for me. You will feel such lovbe and acceptance.

    take care and I wish you the best!
    Lou

     
    Old 07-25-2009, 12:35 PM   #51
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Lou, I know several old-timers here posted red-flags about the situation/risk you discuss, especially with the OP having young children. I don't know where those comments went or maybe they're in a different thread, but the concern was definitely raised and hence escalated the urgency of the problem.

     
    Old 07-25-2009, 03:08 PM   #52
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Thank you Lou and NP for your replies. I'm again shaken up.

    Oh, I feel so sick and weary today. Another unbearable night. I can't sleep, the restless legs and arms are awful. Headaches. I am *so* tired today I can barely move. And now, around 3PM, I'm already starting to get that itchy, restless feeling in my arms again.

    Last night, twice when I couldn't sleep, after my *two* hot baths, I fought off the thoughts of taking another dose just so I could sleep. Today, I'm not upping my Vyvance to give me false energy. Maybe the 3 days I did that contributed to my insomnia. And, as I wrote earlier, I *really* don't want to have to deal with yet another drug *issue*.

    Is this WD? Can this suddenly be happening after 3 weeks of fairly regular and really slow taper? (120 mg down to 80 mg)

    I'm a wreck. I feel weak. I feel like crying. I can't even pick up after this morning's breakfast. I can't work. Can't read. I stand up and just stay there for a moment as though I'm waiting for someone to tell me to sit down.

    Last night, for the first time in a long time, I *did* get that terrible fear of being discovered with multiple prescriptions.

    Whether because of shame, or my stupid ambivalence, or fear, I haven't been able to talk to a doctor. I have a wonderful psychiatrist. I think he can help me. I'm ready to call him. I can't go on like this. Not another day. I don't think I can do this without some medical intervention--as has been suggested several times--like suboxone. Anything.

    How in the world do people go cold turkey?

    It's been about 5 or 6 hours since my first dose of the day. I'm trying to stretch the intervals so that my 3rd and last dose of the day will be closer to bedtime.

    I've been a widow for 8 years and have come to terms with the grief, but suddenly I'm feeling dreadfully alone again, and very emotionally challenged by the responsibility of single parenthood. I know I'll pull out of this, but for now it's pretty bad.

    So, so tired. . . .

     
    Old 07-25-2009, 04:22 PM   #53
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Going from 120 mg to 80 mg in 3 weeks is a pretty steep drop and you are probably experiencing some withdrawals. You need to sit down and draw out a schedule of dropping 10-20% a week and allow your body to get used to the lower levels. So this week take 80 mg/day, next week try 72 mg/day (10% drop (i.e., 80 x 0.9 = 72) or 64 mg/day (20% drop 80 x 0.8 = 64). You might way to stick to 10% if you think you're having w/d's that you can't handle now. If you can put up with them, then continue at that dose and your body will get used to it. Then, drop again. Somewhere along the line you are going to experience w/d's, and you just need to work through them. Nobody said it was going to be easy. Think of the w/d's as reminders not to take the drugs again. I still vividly remember walking around the house most of the night with my legs aching like I ran 100 miles, but I kept walking. Again, I tapered too fast, but I was determined to get off of the Percs as fast as possible.

    Note: I tried stretching the interval between doses and it did not work for me. But, I was being a dummy and taking one single dose a day. I think you will be better off taking the doses at the same time everyday, but decrease the amounts according to your daily dosage schedule.

    Keep up the good work. It's hard work, but so much worth it in the end!!!

     
    Old 07-25-2009, 08:23 PM   #54
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Hi again -- Reader,, I'm not quite sure that what you're experiencing is WD from opiates (I can't remember what your DOC is....Lortab?). You're not mentioning other classic WD symptoms (hot flashes, chills, clamminess, sweats, sneezing, yawning blah blah) and don't seem to have increased suffering if you extend your dose. And you don't report feeling any better in the morning even after taking an extra three tablets the night before. Plus the stimulant Vyvance complicates the situation. Are you on any other meds that could be interfering? I'm no doctor, of course, but someone who has gone through quite a few opiate WDs in my day. Just wondering if there's something else contributing to your physical woes, like depression.

    Anyway, I *completely* understand your not wanting to spill to the doctor. I felt the same way. Once you tell your doctor, there's no turning back....no changing your mind. But I can tell you -- until I told my doctor, I was trying to do it on my own and it was NOT working. He basically accommodated my continued monthly whining about wanting to get off Oxy by *drastically* reducing my scrip.....forcing me to start tapering, and fast. I still don't think he understands the full extent of my problem, and I know if I called him, he'd write me a new scrip. He is, after all, a pain management doctor. So even though he kick-started this process, it's really up to me to see it through.

    Please, please talk to your doctor....? And write that schedule out so you can truly make some correlation between your physical symptoms and daily dosages of ALL medications. OK?

     
    Old 07-25-2009, 10:20 PM   #55
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Denon and NP, Good to hear from you again.

    Yes, I will map out a better schedule. At this point, I can't wait to call my psychiatrist. He's not on call this weekend so I'm forced to wait til Monday. I can't do this without some professional guidance. I've been on antidepressants for years and they've worked well, but I can feel I'm starting to slip back into the dark side over these last few days and I'm pretty sure it's all of this fooling around with the up and down way I've been taking the hydro.

    I'll do the schedule tomorrow and hopefully that will help me get a better picture of what's going on. I'll figure out the math for the taper. I thought I was going slowly, but I think you're right. It was a big drop.

    I found some tea in the cupboard called Tension Tamer and I've just had a cup of it, taken my trazadone, and had my last dose of hydro about 2-1/2 hours ago. I'm almost afraid to try to sleep, but I am *so* tired. I feel a little nauseous and my legs are feeling like I may have RLS again. I just don't know if I can make it through another night like last night. Walking, walking, walking, dizzy, hot baths.... But I so don't want to take another dose.

    Well, time to watch the History Channel. That always a good sleep medicine. LOL

     
    Old 07-26-2009, 08:47 AM   #56
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Kew, your words mean a lot. I can't wait to call my psychiatrist tomorrow. This is unbearable. Last night was another torment. Suboxone sounds like it will be such a relief. I am *so* ready now. This is such torture.

    My legs still feel antsy. Maybe a walk will help. I haven't tried exercise, but I've read on here that it seems to help. I just feel so dreadfully tired....

    Can you stop all hydro immediately with sub? Or is a person supposed to continue to taper?

    I desperately want to be free, free, free. No more ambivalence about it! Not a shred.

    You absolutely terrified me with the spectre of losing the children.

    I'm leaving on a 6 hour driving trip Friday and I've got to feel better by then. Does the suboxone start working right away? How I hope so because this fatigue is killing me.

    Also, I have been afraid of an OD and that's kept me from taking my trazadone (for sleeping) many nights.

    How I wish I didn't have to take any hydro today. I can't wait to get this monkey off my back.

     
    Old 07-27-2009, 01:17 PM   #57
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    OK, another day. Another bad night. I don't think I've ever been cleaner I'm taking so many baths. This fatigue is really leading me deeper into depression. I've quit supplementing my Vyvance with extra doses which would pep me up in the afternoon, and would be a blessing right about now, but I just can't do anything that might effect my sleep. I also didn't drink any coffee this morning, just got a coke, which is, I think lower in caffeine, but may perk me up a bit.

    It's just a tad past 1 PM, and I haven't had any hydro since around 11 PM, but, oh heck, I should start a record of when I take it because I really can't remember when I took it last.

    I called my psychiatrist this morning and he won't be in the office til tomorrow. I left voice mail for him, and pleaded with secretary to please ask him to call ASAP. I told her what was happening with me. Hopefully, I'll hear back in the morning.

    Because of my extreme fatigue, and the fact I haven't taken vitamins or iron for almost a month, I had my labs done today. I'm almost hoping I'm anemic to explain this dreadful tiredness. Someone told me that the restless leg/arm syndrome might be due to some vitamin deficiency. I have to google that.

    I had weight loss surgery 5 years ago, and due to the malabsorption factor, I have to have labs every 6 months, but I missed my Februrary exam, maybe because of hydro laziness. My new vitamins were really large and I have to take 6 throughout the day, so I think because of the bother of it, I stupidly let this just slip by. I have been completely compliant with vitamin/mineral regimen ever since the surgery.

    Yesterday, I visited my good friends and told them about my addiction. She's a therapist and has actually worked with my psychiatrist on an addiction issue with a shared patient, so I'm very reassured that he will be able to prescribe the sub as she said his sub-specialty is Addiction Psychiatry. My friends were so blessedly supportive and gave advice that echoed some of suggestions I've been given here. He's a 25 year sober recovering alcoholic so he also was wonderfully kind and supportive.

    It's very hard for me to work, which is also devastating. My friend counseled patience, which he noted might not be a quality a drug abuser has.

    I took a 1 mile walk yesterday and when it cools off today, I'm going to do it again. Maybe by walking in the evening it will help the RLS.

    Also, I want to say a public thank you to KEW who has been wonderfully supportive these last few days.

    I'll be back soon.

     
    Old 07-27-2009, 02:39 PM   #58
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Hey reader,
    I'm so happy you finally told your good friends what's going on. Sometimes, I know I've been so scared to tell people for fear of their reactions or judgements, but almost always they surprise me with how supportive and caring they are. And, having one of your friends being in recovery for 25 years is awesome, what great support you have there.
    I know with vitamins, it's hard sometimes (not to mention expensive!) to keep taking them. For periods of time I've stopped my vitamin regime and I can really feel the difference with my energy levels, mood swings, etc. I currently take Vit. D (since there is so little sun where I live), calcium, Vit. K, Flax seed oil, fish oil, a multi vitamin & DLPA which I think really helps my nervous system. It's amazing the change I've noticed when I keep taking my vitamins religiously. It's great to get some exercise too, even if it's just a little walk a day. I'm going to take a work break now and get my dogs and go for a stroll. As much as I dread the thought of exercising, once I'm doing it and especially after, I feel SO much better and sleep so much better too.
    11pm to 1pm with no hydro is AMAZING....do you realize that's almost 24 hours??? You should be proud of that accomplishment, I'm really proud of you.
    Have you tried Valerian Root for sleeping? Sometimes I will take a capsule (beware if you try it because it smells HORRIBLE!) or I'll drink some Sleepytime tea which contains Valerian root, chamomille, and some other herbs. It just feels calming and does help me sleep better. Just a suggestion.

    Take care of yourself today, Reader!

    XXOO,
    KEW

     
    Old 07-28-2009, 03:04 AM   #59
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    It is so great you are doing this now! Vicodin is probably going off the market soon.

     
    Old 07-28-2009, 07:22 PM   #60
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    All doctors are legally supposed to have offices. You may be getting a quack doctor who is taking advantage of you.

    Get off the drugs as soon as possible. Your life is at stake and this is no exaggeration.

     
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