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    Old 07-28-2009, 07:33 PM   #61
    brianpain33
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    I think the Suboxone is going to be a really good solution for you. It seems pretty obvious that you are not going to be able to keep tapering because the bottles are always there at an arms reach. I am not trying to sound mean or anything just being truthful. I know if my drug of choice was in the house, there would be absoultely know way I could "take a little less" or "not do so much the next day".

    As for the Suboxone, you have to be in mild withdrawal (usually taking your last dose of hydrocodone 24 hours prior), then you start on the Suboxone and I have heard it helps to make you feel better very quickly and it stops the withdrawal in it's tracks. If it does not stop the withdrawals then a higher dose of Suboxone is needed. I really think this is going to be your life saver to get on the Suboxone. I just have a feeling that you are not able to taper down by yourself and endure the LONG process of withdrawal.

    You don't want to get caught for filling multiple scripts and doctor shopping because then you REALLY WOULD KNOW WHAT GOING COLD TURKEY felt like and you would be locked up. You would wish for death because that is how bad it would be. Plus you could possibly get your kids taken away from you at that point.

    I don't think that you truly worked through your feelings of grief with your husband passing away. I think sub-consiously you have used the hydrocodone to cover up all of these feelings and all of these feelings will come flooding back to you once you get clean. You MUST do everything that you can to have a positive support network. Once you get on the Suboxone or even before you should really get into NA. These people will be part of that positive support and give you hug on those days when you absolutely hate yourself or your feeling so depressed and need someone. I will pray for you that you find the strength to attack your addiction and win the fight. Keep us posted

    brian

     
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    Old 07-28-2009, 09:57 PM   #62
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    reader,
    Hope you've been able to reach your doc and are having an ok day....keep us posted will you? I've been thinking of you lots and sending positive vibes your way!

    Take care,
    kew

     
    Old 07-29-2009, 10:06 PM   #63
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    So many kind people here. This place is such a relief.

    OK, quick update: I have to say that even as a nursing mother of a newborn I never felt as tired as I did the first few days of this week. The restless leg syndrome was ghastly, bathing, pacing, icing, push-ups, oh, my dears, what a nightmare. I kept thinking that this must be what CT is like. Then, yesterday I was hit with ghastly nausea due to taking my new iron supplement on an empty stomach. Finally, last night there was only a slight involvement in one arm and I was able to sleep, so today I felt much better, stronger, still tired, but quite functional.

    That was the physical element. The fatigue led me down into a brief, but deep depression. My psychiatrist was out of the office til Tuesday, so I had to wait all weekend wondering if my supply was going to run out before I could get into treatment, wondering if he even was certified. Well, he's not, but he referred me to a colleague who is. I couldn't make an appointment til Thursday of next week, but it's carved in stone.

    On the drama front, I was down to my last 5 pills and in a full blown anxiety attack, tearing up, pacing, praying, praying, praying, when, blessedly, my PCP renewed my rx. The 40 that used to last me a month, of course, now only lasts about 5 days, so that wasn't going to get me to next Thursday. I tried calling one of the other prescribing docs, but his voice mail box was full. Then, I thought, well, let me try the black market and the strangest thing happened.

    I had called this guy several times earlier in the year and he'd helped me a couple of times, then he stopped answering my calls. Last night was different. He answered, and said, yes, he could help. So, today we met and I got 90 7.5/500. Now that sounds like a lot, but because I'm taking 90 mg (although the last few nights I've maintained at 80), those 90 really only represent about 7 days. However, between the two, I'll have enough to last until the sub treatment finally begins.

    When we met, I thanked him. Out of the blue he told me he'd been in rehab and was clean for 5 months. I started crying, told him I had an appointment on Thursday to start sub because I just couldn't go on anymore like this. He said he'd pray for me. Now, I have to tell you, that was beyond a doubt the most unusual drug deal I ever had.

    The doc who's going to manage my treatment said that the intake session is about 90 minutes, then there's a follow-up visit a couple of days later, and as I understand it, that's when the treatment begins. From what I've been told here, I expect that I will have to have begun the WD symptoms.

    It's a wonderful feeling knowing that this great companion of mine, you know the one, the monkey on my back, will soon be gone for good.

    Meanwhile, I think I mentioned that I'd told my best friends, a married couple, about my addiction and they have been wonderfully supportive. He's walked this path, as he has 25 years sobriety from alcohol. Then, yesterday, when I was feeling so sick, and sad, I told another friend, one I've had for over 30 years. She's been an angel. On a roll, now, I also told my cousin, another nice middle class mother, who'd gotten strung out, too, but her drug of choice was meth. And, tonight, I told my oldest son. So, there you have it. All of the really important adult people in my life know the truth.

    Now, as to unresolved grief issues. I don't think that's what behind my abuse. It's certainly an easy target, though. However, I was in deep grief counseling from about 6 weeks after my husband died for at least a year, alone, and with my children. I have dealt with it. It's a well read book, but it's one that is over. We can make things as complicated, or as simple, as we choose. Frankly, this abuse began as a result of a series of surgeries, then turned into something of a pleasureable romp. Then, finally, a rather frightening monster for all the reasons we've discussed, from the legal, to the potential for serious liver and brain damage.

    I *will,* however, be going to NA meetings. I need that kind of insight and support, although I have to say that this site really is quite extraordinary in those qualities.

    You know something strange? I have this sense of the upcoming detox not being a bad experience, rather, it feels like it's going to be more of a blessing. I'm not afraid. I'm eager to begin. No more ambivalence, no more fancy dancing, just an end to this debilitating and soul stealing dependence.

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 07:13 AM   #64
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Hello R... I to am addicted to pain meds.. i take 70 mg a day of percocets. i also turned to this webpage to let my secrets out! i started posting on a day that was extremly low for me, that day i was too close to being out-first time in 7 years- and i just started writing... read my earlier posts. alot of people wanted to help me but then once i got mine filled i wasnt ready to staop again. so basically i am on a rollercoaster, if you will! i personally cannot go to treatment either. i personally cannot taper myself down. i have heard of the suboxone treatmen-my insurance does not cover it. i was going to do the methadone treatment a doc had me on a regiment i was taking 30 mg's a day, which i thought was good considering i was taking 70-80 mgs of percs. well i was discharged because i failed a drug test with opiates in my system and just that quick i was back to opiates 70 mg's a day! i do understand why he discharged me i do wish he would have given me another chance considering i was seeing him 4 an addiction but he didnt! anyways, i do wish you the best of luck, and you will see just how many people are going through what you are going through..need to talk private message me i will listen because i am going through the same thing...
    Michelle

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 01:10 PM   #65
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader:
    That is great news. I truly believe if you had not found this board and the people here that you would be doing this right now. Just do a search for NA and they have their own site where you can locate meetings anywhere in the world. I need to get back into the meetings because I can tell that I have been having more cravings and I am approaching 60 days clean tomorrow after relapsing.

    I am sure that you probably have a some relief and a weight off your shoulders from revealing your addiction to the people that are closest to you. They can be very supportive but only another addict can truly know what you are going through and the way you are feeling. That is why the people in NA are so important because you can call one of them no matter what time of the day or night for support. You could call a member at 4am, when you feel completely alone, having cravings, feeling like you want to use, etc. This site is very good for support to but it's nothing like being face to face with other recovering people in a room and getting those hugs too. That is wonderful that you are able to get on Suboxone and I'm sure you will hardly notice any withdrawal or cravings once you get on it (or so I'm told). I wish that I had that option several years ago when I went nearly cold turkey from Oxycontin & Percocet (about 70mg oxycodone/day). It was very BAD time for me and I was going through it without any support from NA because I did not even know about that organization then. good luck


    brian

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 02:48 PM   #66
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader, well, I did have to chuckle a little (through my serious alarm) that the supportive drug dealer is still dealing after having been through rehab and five months' clean. Not really good....but this is not about him.

    PLEASE count out your remaining pills and create a schedule so you don't run out before your appointment.

    Also, my understanding is that Suboxone treatment is not a "detox" but a substitute for narcotics that will immediately make you feel better and eliminate your cravings. You will stay on it at a maintenance level until you decide to stop it, which will involve another taper process. Just wanted to make sure you understood the difference between that and "detox". I hope the doctor can prescribe you the Sub immediately and not make you wait a few days after your first appointment.....but again, I'm not on Sub so I don't know how it works.

    Having made these decisions and a plan, hopefully you will be less stressed and fatigued and will be able to have a good weekend.

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 03:52 PM   #67
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Hi reader!
    I'm so happy for you! I can just feel the life returning to your "voice", posts I mean! What a trip about the dealer....well, it goes to show you that people are put into our lives at the exact right time! You are on the path you're meant to be on and I'm convinced that's part of your relief, along with the physical rellief of the leg, arm, joint and muscle pain, along with the anxiety, panicky feelings, etc. Relief is certainly on the way and now you can relax and enjoy your family vaction and get ready to see te doc when you returnl
    Can I ask a question? What have you been telling your younger children about everything that's going on? I'm just curious as my little 9 yr od gal hasn't really had much to say when I told her mommy is going ot see a doctor that is going to help me
    get off of the pills that were making me feel bad because I can't stop them myself.....she didn't have any questions or much to day but was intrugued and wanted
    to see the sub dissolve under my tongue!.....kids!

    woodrow

     
    Old 07-30-2009, 11:37 PM   #68
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Well, dear ones, another day, another step on the journey toward wellness. Just waiting, just biding my time, feeling peaceful knowing that the new beginning is almost here. Feeling greatful for the fact that there *is* help for me in so many ways: NA, suboxone, this board, my friends, the Lord.

    I feel so much better than I did during that 4 day long nightmare when I was suffering RLS. I think the RLS was not only terribly fatiguing, but a glimmer of what it would be like to go CT. The sub seems like such a sweet promise of release. Just knowing that I'll be free soon makes every day now a pleasure.

    OK. Is that enough hearts and flowers? Here's the reality. Would I be talking like this if I didn't have a full supply of hydro? If I didn't know that I was safe for now? Not too likely. Would just knowing that I have an appointment in 7 days be enough? Not too likely. I was a wreck a couple of days ago when I was down to my last 5 pills and didn't know if I could get more or not.

    In those horrible hours when I was so sleep deprived and I only had a few pills left, I saw a future where I never, ever want to go. I don't ever want to live through a day like that one again. Ever.

    Michelle, I'm *so* sorry you don't have insurance coverage for suboxone treatment. Thank you for your supportive words. I'll PM you.

    Brian, NP, Kew, as always, your compassion is more than precious.

    This whole addiction pattern is just so tragic, isn't it? We needed pain management, it worked, and then, snap! something happened, and that monkey slowly crawled up our back, took a good firm grip, and refused to let go, strangling us in the process.

    In the interest of utter, total honesty, I have to confess that there have been a couple of times since I got my refills, and since the appointment has been made, that I've thought, "Oh, my, am I really ready to say good bye to mother's little helper?" Fleeting moments, thank God, just fleeting, because immediately I remembered the desperation of those hours that drove me to the telephone to call the doctor. I DO NOT WANT EVER EVER TO LIVE THROUGH ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.

    Hah! I'm such an addict. Just now one of my kids, up way past bedtime, began to decompensate, overtired and angry and miserable. Then, he tried to involve his brother. My patience finally snapped and what did I do? Yep. You got that right. Grabbed the bottle, took 30 mg. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Why didn't I just hang on another 10 minutes until they finally went to bed??? Really twisted thinking. So now here I sit having wasted the meds, reafirming to myself that I only had one way to go and that was down down down if I hadn't made that confessional call to my psychiatrist.

    Right now on CNN Anderson Cooper is doing a story on Michael Jackson. Apparently, he was using 19 aliases! You know, that could happen to any of us.

    OK, it's late. Enough. Basta. I'm leaving tomorrow and I feel like I'm leaving darkness behind me.

    Oh, how I can't wait to give all of this up.

    Reader

     
    Old 07-31-2009, 08:33 AM   #69
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    I just want to add a note to last night's post.

    That RLS passage into the Black Side of depression was a lesson for me in how connected our physical self is with our psychological. The intense fatigue had to have stimulated some kind of chemcial imbalance in my neurotransmitters. At this point, I'm completely free of those stark waves of darkness. Also, I'm fairly certain that being deficient in iron contributed to the RLS and that was a real wake up call to maintain my health, or I will suffer serious consequences.

    For me, depression always focuses on what I perceive as errors in judgement, incompetance, and the sense that I need someone to take care of me. I have come to terms with the responsibilities of being a single mother, have worked through all my grief issues, and enjoy my life with just the children and me. When I was grieving, and on the few occasions I've felt depressed since I passed through the door of solitude, depression has always centered on thinking that I need a man to make things better. When I'm well, which is most of the time, thank God, I rejoice in my competence. Now that is not to say I wouldn't be unhappy to see Prince Charming ride into my life and sweep me off my feet. LOL As of a couple of days ago, I've really returned to appreciating all that I have.

    There's one more thing I want to mention. That is that it's just so strange how I can go sometimes as long as 16 hours and space doses as long as 6hours apart with no hydro and feel no WD symptoms. Oh, I'll think about it, but especially when I'm busy I don't feel any urgency to take a dose. I just don't understand this. Then, there'll be a time like last night when I'll just lose it and reach for my crutch and do it swiftly, without thought. I guess that's an issue to deal with in NA.

    Today, I'm going to hold off probably until around 1 or 2 PM, having had my last dose around 11 last night. I'll just be enjoying the 6 hour drive, listening to a new book on tape I bought, with the kids on their DSs and watching DVDs in the back seat. (The book? A recent James Lee Burke mystery. He's my favorite mystery writer and he'll be a swell traveling companion helping to keep me "straight" for most of the trip.)

    OK, time for prayer and my morning devotion.

    Affectionate thoughts sent to all of you. As I wrote earlier, let's all hang together, or we'll all hang separately. ;>)

     
    Old 08-01-2009, 05:04 PM   #70
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader, I hope you have a pleasant vacation (if that's what it is), or at least time away.

    When you get back, I know you will have a few days before your appt. with the Sub doctor. A suggestion: Read this entire thread again. Notice the date of the first post (5/31) and your last post (7/31). Remind yourself that it's been a full two months of misery, guilt and worry, and you're still where you were in the beginning (except you now have us). Re-live those feelings. Even if you're propped up by the hydro this week, you can't vacillate or get a false sense of security. I know I'm not the role model of decisive action, but I'm not doing illegal things and I don't have young children who need me....so please maintain the sense of urgency to get help....OK, honey?

     
    Old 08-02-2009, 02:06 AM   #71
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Hang in there reader, just a few more days to go and I hope you can get some relaxing in on this trip...hope its a fun trip for you and the kids. I know you are really motivated so keep that goal in mind and when you get back, like NP just said, keep your appointment, stay on track and focused to get the help you need and move forward. You seem very certain of doing what you need to do for yourself! Remember, everything happens for a reason and the strange events of last week and the last few days that have brought you to this place, able to relax and not worry about the pain of w/d's all happened to get you through to where you'll need to be. That's my belief anyway. Hold your head up high, breathe, walk, meditate, read, rest and take pride in what you are doing for yourself....you are doing this, giving yourself a new chance at life!! Go for it!

    XXOO,
    KEW

     
    Old 08-04-2009, 02:41 PM   #72
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    I am currnetly going through the same situation i am a single mother and went from the pain pills to heroin and i know the feeling when you have so many responsibilities and dont have the option to take the time and detox in a hospital because well who will run the house and take care of the kids? this has always been why i just couldnt stop, i cant be sick and withdrawel because who would take care of my responsibilities. Weird enough i too am a writer ( a struggeling writter at that). And i know the feeling for some reason everytime i smoke weed i too get a overwhelming feeling of guilt and regrete and fear about my drug use.I am also searching for options to come clean and am considering takeing suboxone or just sucking it up and going through the pain. but it is so hard im scared to get sick. I plan to stop my drug use tomorrow wich i have planned on dozens of times befor but we will see. If you need to talk remember im going through pretty much the same situation and i will let u know of any information and ideas that i come across and hope you will do the same for me. I wish you the best of luck and i know that this is one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through because im there

     
    Old 08-05-2009, 08:24 AM   #73
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    A little update: I'm still on my mini-vacation, being with dear old friends, and my oldest son, enjoying every minute of it, relaxing, enjoying the free breakfast at the hotel every morning, and watching the kids in and out of the pool.

    I remain determined to make my appointment on Friday. I'm not afraid. I just have this sort of nostalgic feeling of giving up an old friend.

    I've been doing some thinking about my dependence and see how I have reached for mommie's little helper whenever I get stressed, anxious, or feel any kind of need actually. For some reason, hydro has helped everything from my dry eye problems to headache and nausea.

    Meanwhile, I've gotten two online refill reminders that I would have leapt at just a couple of weeks ago. They *are* tempting, but, frankly, the money is a powerful deterent. My initial consult with the doctor is going to be over $500, payable at the time of the visit, and the several fairly rapid follow-up visits will never be less than $75-150 each, unless I can manage quick telephone consults lasting less than 5 minutes with no time for any trivial commentary. Thankfully, my insurance will pay 60% of what they determine to be usual and customary charges, and thank heavens for credit cards. LOL You can bet that I'll be getting in my first claim the moment the ink is dry on the paper.

    Jenanah, I'm so sorry you're suffering right now. I don't see how you can possibly WD without help, especially with kids at home. Don't you want to try some kind of medical intervention? Just knowing that there is that kind of help available has helped me so much.

    When I get back home I'll reread this thread. I had no idea I'd begun it at the end of May. What a long strange trip it's been.

     
    Old 08-05-2009, 12:18 PM   #74
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    reader:
    Once you start on the Suboxone, make sure you get rid of any and ALL of the pills of hydrocodone. Flush them down the toilet or if you can't do it, then have someone else do it. Take yourself off of ALL reminder emails for the refills. Delete your account. You must be willing to go to ANY lengths possible to stay clean and these are just the start.

    I would highly recommend going to a 12 step group (NA, AA, CA, etc) because you must deal with the reason why you started on the hydro in the first place. You must learn to deal with life on life's terms and not reach for a pill to deal with any little problem, stress, etc.

    Also, please remember the HALT message which you may not know about.
    If you are experiencing cravings, then ask yourself if you are:

    HUNGRY
    ANGRY
    LONELY
    TIRED


    I mean, really ask yourself and answer yourself honestly. If you are any of these then do what needs to be done to rectify the situation. If you are hungry then get something to eat. If you are angry, take a walk, watch a movie, talk to a friend on the phone, go to a meeting. If you are lonely, get out of the house and meet a friend for lunch, go to a meeting, etc. If you are tired, then lay down for a nap. You will be very tired in the beginning and your body and mind need plenty of rest while you are recovering. Also, keep in mind that it takes 1 year for your brain and body to full recover, it takes 2 years for you to recover psychologically. Just think about how much money you have spent on the hydro's, the Suboxone will be well worth it.

    brian

     
    Old 08-05-2009, 12:34 PM   #75
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    Re: Scared, almost ready--long post

    Reader, I'm so glad you checked in. I was thinking your appt. was tomorrow, so thanks for reminding us it's Friday.

    Brian, I love your HALT message! In all my various stints of rehab and treatment, I hadn't heard that one. Here's something I did a few weeks ago: I have a tendency toward these bursts of rage at my son (30), partly because I'm frustrated with him, but partly because I feel so depressed and miserable from oxy WD. In a rage a few weeks ago, I said some horrible things that I wish I could take back. I opened his door to add one more rant, and he had his back to me but was wiping his eyes. This kid, who is usually maddeningly unemotional, was crying. I apologized a few days later but I couldn't get that scene out of my mind, and cried myself to sleep for the next few nights. As a reminder not to allow my anger and rage to do/say hurtful things again, I saved the tissue that I used for my tears. It's on my nighttable. Just a little thing, but it's effective because I keep noticing it....and remembering how bad I felt that I had hurt my own child. I can't wait to be off this stuff!

     
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