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    Old 07-31-2010, 04:53 AM   #46
    emsmom
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    I just want to say that I agree with jamjam, 100%. I have been on Suboxone for a year and a half and it saved my life. I am 'me' again.

    Jamjam, I couldn't have said it better myself.

    Sincerely,
    emsmom

     
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    Old 08-01-2010, 06:16 PM   #47
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    I hear you all. I am at the three month mark and struggling to stay with the program because of its restrictions where I live. I had to go off the suboxone and on to subutex because I was one of the rare ones that cannot take the suboxone. I am currently on 5.2mgs and it still knocks me about two hours after taking it for about 2 hrs. I am tired physically and emotionally it has been a long three months. I keep trying to remind myself of what it was like prior to going on this drug. When I do remember I was tired all the time and in and out of withdrawal all the time and generally felt crap. I think I am just wanting to get well so bad that I am rushing it. This is the first time in my life that I feel I have a chance at beating this affliction and it is because of the subutex giving me the breathing space to step back and take stock of my life and what needs repairing. I just wish I could get over the side effects. I think they are related to the anti depressant I am on and I am trying to reduce this but as I have been on it for 30 years my body is saying "what the hell are you doing?" It is hard trying to work full time in a demanding job manage side effects, look after my recently widowed mum, try and maintain a failing relationship with my husband of 28 years and do phycotherapy to try sort out the reasons I use it can be exhausting. Add to that the fact that I have to go and pick up my meds everyday and I have started thinking maybe I can do it without them and make things easier. But deep down I know I will relapse. So thanks for the words of wisdom I needed to hear this right now. I guess it is only early days for me only been 12 weeks since I was heavily using and about to lose my job and my family so even though things are a bit rough at the moment they are way better than they were 12 weeks ago.

     
    Old 08-02-2010, 11:34 AM   #48
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    ILB, careful with that mindset of quitting...I know I have to do the same thing. When I did a drastic decrease, in my opinion, of 16mg to 8mg, I really felt it was too much so now I'm back up to 12mg of subutex. I am not wanting to decrease too fast. I will stay on the 12mg for at least 2 months or so before I lower my dose anymore. I know from what folks are saying and from others' experiences, that going off and thinking I can fight this on my own is not possible for me, at least not right now. It's going to take me years to get stuff straightened out in my head and my life before I can do this without the sub. That's what I'm feeling right now. I just read something about the people who use Suboxone or Subutex who relapse the most and fastest are the ones that get off of it the soonest. I am not strong enough to stay off of opiates without the chemical help that the buprenorphine gives me. I don't ever want to go back to the life of simply existing and trying to remain "not sick" by getting my drug every day. That was hell on earth and I was no good to myself or anyone else. Be careful when your brain gives you those messages, especially the impulsive ones like, "this is too much of a hassle, I can do it myself". I think most of us know we need help. Looking back on how much better you are now than you were 3 mos ago is also a good technique. Try to remember that even though you have some side effects now, what would it be like if you were constantly searching for your drugs and fighting withdrawals? Much worse? Yes, it would be! Try to hang in there and perhaps your doc can look for another kind of anti depressant for you? I'm taking Effexor and in the last 3 mos or so it's kind of stopped working so he added Abilify and I do notice a positive difference, more energy, feeling happier. Right now, I'm going to stay the course. That is one thing I need to let go of and that's trying to be my own dr. and pharmacist. It didn't work with narcotics and I don't think it will work trying to get off certain medicines either. I need experts to give me the best advice. Well, enough rambling for now! Take care of yourself, ride safe and have fun!

    KEW

     
    Old 08-03-2010, 03:59 PM   #49
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi Kew
    Thanks for that. I needed to hear the facts from someone who knows. I'm just tired, deep down I know beyond a doubt that if I were to stop taking the sub now I would relapse. I find myself still wanting to get high even now. Its not cravings but just wanting to use the old familiar tools of running from things instead of facing them. I am really disappointed that I have had to call off our bike ride south because of the restrictions on my dosing. Every state here has a different ruling on it and I was crossing four states it just became too difficult to organise. We will ride some of the way and fly the rest so I can fit in my dosing schedules. I started questioning whether I needed to be on this program and whether I could do it myself control my addiction that is. A close friend reminded me last night of what I was like three months ago when she had to forceably take my keys when I went to drive under the influence. I was so out of it I dont even remember it happening. I could have driven and killed someone. Then she reminded me of a few other things that really bought it home. I will keep pushing through and take your advice to stop self diagnosing myself and go see my doctor for some advice on how to manage the side effects and maybe change the anti depressant I am on?
    ILB

     
    Old 08-04-2010, 11:16 AM   #50
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    ILB,
    Sorry to hear you are canceling your bike trip. That has got to be disappointing....but I think you are being smart and taking care of yourself. There will be other bike trips and other travel opportunities. Right now you have to make your recovery #1 in your life. I don't mean to sound "preachy" I guess I'm just reinforcing that to myself that if I don't make recovery my #1 goal & priority I'll be back in a very dangerous place and fast. Each time I've gotten clean, I've lucked out and been able to keep my job, family, house, etc. One of these times, if I relapse, I know without a doubt, I will lose the things and people most dear to me and I can not and will not take that chance. I just have to think through what would happen if I took that first pill, just that one...and I'm off and running down the road to destruction. Stay strong & keep up the good work, ILB!!

    KEW

     
    Old 08-05-2010, 05:05 AM   #51
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi Kew
    Thanks for the preaching Seriously I need it. I am in early days of recovery this time round and those old familiar mind sets are trying to creep back in because I am finding the going a bit tough. I have spent all my life running its what I know how to do best. We have come up with a compromise. I get to ride half the way and fly the difference. This will allow me to pick up my doses along the way. I'm lucky my husband is supportive. In fact I'm lucky he is still around after what I have put him through. Its pretty amazing how the addict mind works hey? It tries in so many ways to undo your efforts and put you back where it was comfortable. When I go to the chemist to collect my dose I often find myself fixated with scanning all the medications trying to see if there is anything decent there, then I sight the needles and I can feel my heartrate pick up with anticipation then I have to snap myself back and go what the hell are you doing? The battle truely is all in the mind, if you can learn to master your thinking you will succeed and be free of addiction. This is true of depression and many mental illnesses also. Control the thoughts and you win the battle. My son has Bi Polar and he is now medication free and controls his symptoms using CBT. He amazes me how far he has come in 12 months. This time last year I had to have him committed to a mental hospitial after he went completely phychotic after burning himself out on pills and dope. Now he holds down a great job as an IT tech and is re establishing his life. I am so proud of him. The answer he tells me is controling the thoughts mum not letting them control you. Thanks so much for your support I really appreciate it.
    take care ride safe
    ILB

     
    Old 08-05-2010, 05:16 AM   #52
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi
    I was just reading back through some of the posts and found yours. Thanks for your post. It is encouraging to hear that others are having success with this drug. I was pretty sceptical at first and I had read alot of bad stuff but I am feeling more confident that I have made the right choice this time. I like the way you look at it as being a medication rather than a replacement. Well done it sounds like you are doing really well. Thanks to all the people who post on this site in a positive way I dont feel anywhere near as alone as I did.
    ILB

     
    Old 08-05-2010, 11:42 AM   #53
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Heh my name is Iain i currently live in Glasgow, i`ve just recently finished with my own detox off methadone 2 months ago and found the same thing when attending n.a that i was`nt clean which started me thinking why i`m even bothering. At that time i chose not to listen to the people who were saying this and focus on the people who give positive feed back about what you are doing.
    In answer to your original question only you have the answer is suboxone working for you? Is your life more stable now you are on it? These are all questions only you can answer, but you`ve taken the first step towards recovery by recodnising you had a problem in the first place so you are definatly on the right path it`s juct about how far along the path you wish to go.
    Remember no one ever said it would be easy, but if you think about it did anyone with any real knowlege ever say it would be hard?
    What i did through my own detox was remain positive no matter what and focus on the end result completely substance free which in turn will set you free in life sounds like i`m a bit of a hippy which i`m not well maybe at heart.
    Joking apart it does get easier and life does get better.
    Always remember WHAT WE FEAR MOST DOES NOT HAVE A HOLD ON US, IT`S THE FEAR ITSELF THAT HOLDS US BACK, You can do it, GOOD LUCK. Iain.

     
    Old 08-06-2010, 07:21 AM   #54
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi Ian
    Thanks for your post. Words of wisdom and very true. I know deep down that I have made the right decision to go on the program as the first step towards full recovery and eventually substance free living. It is a hard road but not as hard as the road of addiciton I reckon. My biggest fear is that it wont work and I will end up using again and this time I might not survive it. My brain has a tendency to jump ahead too far and I worry about what has not even occurred. Just going through a bit of a tough patch with old mind sets trying to push their way back in. Thanks for the support.
    ILB
    Glasgow wow isnt modern tech amazing. I am in Queensland Australia. Welcome

     
    Old 08-07-2010, 03:50 AM   #55
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    kewood;

    Heh my name is Iain i`am currently living in Glasgow, Scotland, and am myself just at the begining stages of my own recovery revolution have only been off my methadone for a few months.
    I suppose i can`t really comment on suboxone cause i`ve never been on it, but you hear the same horror stories about methadone as you do about suboxone so for a start none of is alone there is always someone out there who can relate.
    All i would say is if it takes some of the chaos out of your life even of it only seems like a small amount it can only be a good thing.
    As for your emotions being all over the place i believe that can only good all be it hard to understand where they come from sometimes it`s probably got something to do with the fact that we used drugs to surpress our emotions for so many years it`s to be expected.
    I found myself on more than one occasion bursting onto tears for apparently no reason, maybe it`s gratitude for still being alive for me that rings true,we are all emotionally defrosting.
    My advise would be to get a detox program set up as soon as you feel comfortable and try not to be impatient.
    I also go to a couple of n.a meeting a week that along with other activities i enjoy doing all helps.
    My experience is that recovery is possible if you really want it, so stick by your guns and keep fighting the good fight.
    And remember your never alone. Take care. Iain

    Last edited by mod-anon; 08-07-2010 at 04:58 AM. Reason: removed quote

     
    Old 08-08-2010, 01:05 PM   #56
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hi Iain,
    Thanks for the supportive comments. We are are in this struggle together, aren't we? It really is a small world out there. You in Scotland, ILB in Australia, I'm in Alaska, wow! I agree that I'm emotionally defrosting. Sometimes, my emotions are so wound up that I kind of just freeze and don't feel anything. That's probably some kind of survival mechanism since I'm sure I'd go nuts if I had to deal with all of these emotions all of the time. I kind of feel "stuck", that's the only way I can describe it. Stuck in life, stuck in my job, stuck in my emotions & actions. I want to try and become unstuck but I just don't know how. Right now I'm just trying to get up each day and get through the day with a little happiness. Then, I'm ok. I know it will take time. I feel inside like I need to be "doing" something and I don't know what that something is. I feel restless....I know when I was doing the drugs, I felt happy, or at least I thought I was happy just sitting around, hanging out and doing nothing. That doesn't work for me anymore...just even on the weekends when I've done all my chores and stuff i'm supposed to do...what to do next? I'm just anxious and needing to DO something yet I don't know what...does anyone ever feel this way? It's about driving me crazy and I don't know how to handle it!!

    KEW

     
    Old 08-08-2010, 01:31 PM   #57
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Today I'm really struggling with just being me. I read this quote though and it seemed to help me feel a bit better. I wanted to share in case it helps anyone else. Take care all!

    KEW

    "The ancients are right: the dear old human experience is a singular, difficult, shadowed, brilliant experience that does not resolve into being comfortable in the world. The valley of the shadow is part of that, and you are depriving yourself if you do not experience what human kind has experienced, including doubt and sorrow. We experience pain and difficulty as failure instead of saying, I will pass through this, everyone I have ever admired has passed through this, music has come out of it, literature has come out of it. We should think of our humanity as a privilege." - Marilynne Robinson

     
    Old 08-09-2010, 04:47 AM   #58
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hey Kew
    How awesome is this. We are sharing the same struggle supporting each other in three different parts of the world.
    Mate I underatnd what you are saying. I too often feel "stuck" as you put it. My opinion is that our soul (mind,will and emotions) has been so damaged that it doesnt know how to function normally and without the opiates that we came to rely on to help us feel nothing. As the others have shared it is all part of the human experience. One thing I have noticed not being on the drugs is that everything now seems amplified. That is sound, taste, all the senses for that matter. So when I feel pain I really feel pain, when I am sad it is intense. Its like the nervous system is at times overloading with sensations that are new in a way as they are no longer dulled out of existence. That "I was happy at least when I used" is false mate. Its the brain trying to trick us into thinking that we felt better using. The problem is we didnt feel at all. This is not an easy road and anyone who says we are weak have no idea what they are talking about. We have strength beyond what most people can understand to still be here after what we have been through. Sometimes I think when you are "stuck" as ayou put it you just need to be and go with the flow. In my experience I feel this way when I am overloading myself with things. Whether it be work, home dealing witht he past I let it take over my thinking and then I get bogged down with it all and freeze up emotionally and going into numb mode. The other thing is learning to feel emotion again and realising that it is not going to kill me. When I lost my brother to a trucking accident two years ago I thought my heart was going to break literally and I just could not cope witht he emotional pain. I got "stuck" and I turned to drugs again to cope. Now two years later I am fighting for my life to gain control again. Part of the step towards recovery is allowing yourself to feel again adn if that means crying then you cry, if it means feeling angry then thats ok too. Dont be too hard on yourself mate you are doing amazingly well. You have helped me more than you can know. When I jumped on this site I was at rock bottom and considering giving up taking my life to end all the pain or perceived pain. Then I found this person on the other side of the world who understood and rides bikes too I can feel your strength all the way from here in Australia. There are going to be good days and not so good days and you know that ok its life. Iain our new friend from Glascow says it so well "Always remember WHAT WE FEAR MOST DOES NOT HAVE A HOLD ON US, IT`S THE FEAR ITSELF THAT HOLDS US BACK. We can do this and support each other through this even though we are in different parts of the world and that in itself is so awesome. Thankyou for sharing and treat yourself when you are not feeling so good with something you enjoy doing. Take a ride and experience the wind on your face and the smells of nature. Hang in there it will get better again. One thing I have learnt after suffering from depressive illness for 30+ years is the blues will lift eventually you just have to ride the wave. Take care ILB

     
    Old 08-09-2010, 05:42 AM   #59
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    Wink Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Heh Kew, good god almighty isn`t technology bloody amazing pardon my language thanks for the reply, i`m much the same as yersel have to be doing something all the time if i`ve nothing planned i`ll bang on some tunes on my wee stereo in my flat and begin cleaning just to keep myself busy, whether this is me avoiding my emotions, possibly, i have a very real problem with my emotions, not having too many but actually identifying them. I was brought up being taught by my father not to show emotions as they could be seen as a sign of weakness, hense i took drugs to surpress them because i believed for many years they were wrong, how wrong was i to believe that, never mind thats all in the past it`s now that i`ve to deal with it. Find myself becoming emotional towards thing i probably should`nt and searching myself for emotions when i feel i should be getting some. Upside down and the wrong way round like out of control rollercoaster sometimes.
    "Somewhere over that rainbow skies are blue" even if sometimes you can`t see it. I try to remember that no matter what the weathers like outside it could be raining, snowing, it can even be night time, the sun is always up there shining bright.Take care. Iain.

     
    Old 08-10-2010, 10:26 AM   #60
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    Re: Can I be in "recovery" while taking Suboxone?

    Hey ILB & Iain,
    You guys are just awesome! ILB, thanks so much for what you wrote. It really made my day. I had no idea that my support had been so helpful to you. Well, you have made a huge difference in how I am now looking at my recovery and the ups and downs of it, too. Thanks for that. I like the thought of riding the wave, I guess I just have to go with what is and know that "this too, shall pass". I tend to get so stuck when I'm in a depression, feeling as if I will never feel any differently and that this helplessness and hopelessness will be never ending. Well, you are right, it does pass. It always has. Not as quickly as I would like it to sometimes but it does go away. I can't live in fear that it will come back either. If I do that, then I'm just either in the dumps or waiting anxiously for the next bad wave to hit. That's no way to live. I'm going to take you up on your suggestion and when I feel the funk start to hit, I'm going to hop on my bike, rain or shine, and take a ride breathing in the fresh sea air and being grateful for all that I have which is SO much, so much to be thankful for. I need to remain in a state of gratitude and drag myself out of this self-pity party. I sink so easily into it....I'm tired of living in fear and misery. I want out of it and I CAN think and believe my way out of it, to an extent. I'm so used to taking a pill to change the way I feel....it is a HARD habit to break. When I'm sad, I want a happy pill, when I hurt, I want a pill to take the pain away, when I'm mad, I want a pill to calm me down, when I'm bored I want a pill to excite me! I am always wanting more, more, more! A friend of mine, who's also an addict, said to me the other day that we are "more ******", we always want more of whatever it is that makes us feel good. I wonder why that is. Maybe there is some kind of switch in our brain that just never lets us feel satisfied with what we have. I want to conciously change that and be thankful for what I have without always wanting more, more more. No "more *****" anymore! Thanks for your responses pals and hope you are both having good days. I'll be in touch and will be off letting the wind blow my hair and the fresh air bring new life into me! Love you both! Take good care.

    KEW

     
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