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    Old 03-05-2010, 07:06 PM   #61
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hi Ice

    Hey, glad to read about some victory there flushing the pills!! Good job, Buddy. Good job.

    I have been a bit run down lately healthwise. Nothing major, just tired out; getting old. Chuckles. Also have had grandbaby girl here most of the week as she had a bad cold and could not go to daycare.

    I am glad you think of me at times! That is really nice. I think we form lots of good, healthy relationships on this board and we do think about each other during the day. You are also in my thoughts as the days go by. Smiles.

    Keeping yourself busy during low times is about the best remedy I found. The effort to stay busy does help get us ready for rest. A hot bath can also be good before turning in.

    I do alway read here even if I don't always get a messgae posted. So I am keeping tabs on you, my friend. Be well and stay strong. I read with great interest your post about Dr Drew. I do think the man knows the addiction deal very well. I used to watch the program all the time until I lost that channel on my cable. It is interesting to listen to him, but also interesting to listen to the addicts. Funny how easy it is to recognize addictive thinking in them. Guess we can see ourselves in them is why, huh?

    Hope you get a good night's rest. Slep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite.

    Manana
    reach

     
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    Old 03-05-2010, 08:08 PM   #62
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    your a lifesaver reach, at least to me you are, you have no idea how much youve helped just me alone. hope you get over the cold soon, alot of people where i live and work have been sick as well.

    can i ask how you got started on pills? i remember when i was lurking i followed how you tapered, i thought to myself wow this woman is strong. i know you went slow, then off the xanax as well, its great to see how well your doing and always helping people.

    theres so much more i wana say right now but gona hang out with the girlfriend for dinner. Reach your the best, talk to you soon friend.

     
    Old 03-06-2010, 04:40 AM   #63
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    its early morning, 4:30 here. got some sleep, i went to bed fairly early. one day at a time as they say. each day i feel a little better. gona try to go back to bed.

     
    Old 03-07-2010, 09:31 AM   #64
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hi Ice

    'Tis late Sunday morning and soon I will be going on a little outing with family. Going to a great-niece's hockey game an hour away. I have not seen this piece of our family for probably 15 years. Last I saw this great-niece she was about 4 years old. Now she is a senior in college! Then we are all going out to lunch. This is all a big deal because a few years ago this little outing would have seemed unfathomable to me. I was so isolated in my drug haze that I would have simply stayed home and then felt sorry for myself that I had not gone with everyone else. I am so thankful that today I can look forward to this with a bit of excitement and happiness.

    My pill use started about 15 years ago when I was in treatment for cancer. Radiation burned me so badly towards the end of treatment that I was prescribed pain meds. I am thinking maybe it was Vicodin. After the radiation, I had a huge surgery to remove the mass from my thigh. I was cut from under my breast almost to the knee. The mass was removed along with a large muscle, lymph nodes and a lot of tissue. Nerves were also severed in the process. The pain was unbelieveable. I was on a self-administered morphine pump for 16 days in the hospital. Before I was released, I was weaned down to Percocet. I was bedridden for a couple of months and in constant pain. Laying there with nothing to do but think was a very depressing situation. My Mom, my Dad and my uncle had all been diagnosed with cancer the year before I was. Dad and Uncle died, mom survived. I was the caretaker for all three. My life was still reeling from all of it when I was diagnosed. I think, in retrospect, it was way back then that I started crossing the line with the painmeds and using them to block out the mental pain as much as the physical pain.

    As the years progressed, I needed more and more meds to achive any relief. I went through all of them... Morphine, patches, Oxycontin, you name it. Stronger meds and more of them. The meds killed the pain enough for me to struggle through work each day. Then I would come home and crash until the next day. That was my life...work, crash, start over the next day. I did more and more damage to my leg as I over-used it with the meds masking the pain. I did more and more mental damage to myself as I was exhausted from the pain and the meds and the meds were pushing me deeper and deeper into depression. Somewhere along the line, Xanax was added off label to help with the nerve damage. It did help, but man oh man, talk about a demon addictive drug. It helped the leg a lot, but also helped knock me out. And I wanted to be knocked out. I didn't want to deal with all the grief and pain of my parents' cancer, my uncle's, the deaths and my own situation. As with the opiates, I took more and more of the Xanax to keep my self knocked out physically and emotionally.

    And it all caught up with me in a massive breakdown that left me totally broken in spirit, mind and body. By the time my hubby got me to the doctor that day, I could do nothing but sob uncontrollably. That was the day my family doctor said, "Enough!" He took control and set up a withdrawal plan for me. I was totally compliant as I had no will to be anything else. About a month into it is when I found this board and that is when you and I met up.

    As I withdrew, the depression slowly, slowly left me. There was a second layer of depression that came from the withdrawal and I recognized that. However, I was able to fight that with the tools I gained as I withdrew and I could feel the fight coming back to me. It took me a year to finally feel that I was 'me' again. I still dragged alot as will always deal with the aftermath of the cancer treatment. I can accept that now, though, but I rediscovered the joy of participating in life again.

    So, today, I am going to participate in abit of a family outing. It feels good, Ice. Good to be alive and face each new day with anticiaption and not fear. It took a lot of baby steps to get here, but I am here and hope to stay here always.

    My fight against the depression and drugs was the hardest of ny life. It was also the most worthwhile. I learned so much about me, about my world, about so many things. I have gained tools that help me in every area of my life. I like, I love, living again!

    Peace
    reach

     
    Old 03-07-2010, 09:57 AM   #65
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    What a story, i had no idea you battled cancer. I had cancer when i was only a few months old my dad discovered a bump on the bottom of my leg. the doctors had no idea what it was, couldnt figure it out. so they sent 3 biopsys to different parts of the country. finally a diganosis was found and it was a very rare type of cancer. my dad told me what it was awhile ago i forget the name but extremely rare kind. my parents were left which a tough decision, amputate my leg at the knee or die.

    Of course my parents picked the first choice or else i would not be here sharing my story . Iam grateful to be alive, and i want to really LIVE again (without pills) without the drug haze as i like to call it that just follows u every step in life. so looks.... like we have more than one thing in common my friend Reach. we both battled and survived cancer.

    I grew up with a prosthetic. i get around great, i USED to be very active in sports before the dang drugs took a hold of me, i remember when i was a kid id head out in the morning and just take off on the bike or go play football with friends until nighttime. This is who iam and ive always accepted it.

    The pills however are NOT who iam. So...I will keep fighting, day by day, I will be in your shoes someday Reach. Things are getting easier slowly, i feel better than yesterday.

    Iam trilled to hear about you seeing your family, and that you can TRUELY enjoy it. that really made my smile. family is so important, friends as well.


    Talk with you later buddy.

    Ice

     
    Old 03-07-2010, 04:01 PM   #66
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hello Ice

    Well, I am home, pooped out, but a happy pooped out. We had a lot of fun today watching the ice hockey game and going out for lunch.

    Wow, Ice, I have got to tell you that our cancers sure sound similar. Both in the leh, although yours was lower leg and mine was thigh. My was also a very rare cancer and took forever to diagnose. Six pathologists here could not determine it. The biopsy was finally sent to the Army in Washington , DC to be checked. That was when it was finally diagnosed. It was a sarcoma... specifically liposarcoma which attacks muscle, fat and connective tissue. Mine was deep in a major thigh muscle. I escaped amputation by God's grace. The radiologist in my area who worked with me said that she felt I should go to The Sarcoma Clinic at Mass General Hospital in Boston. At that time, it was one of only two sarcoma clinics in the country. That is where I had the biggest of all my surgeries. It was a cutting edge procedure and did, indeed, save the leg. Many oncologists will never see a sarcoma in their careers, but at this clinic, it was dealt with often with patients from all over the world. Our friend FullCircle is also a survivor and has written a bit about it on this board. I do believe his was in the leg also. I am glad we all have mobility still. We have each been blessed with a few extra chances in this life, huh? We need to celebrate them.

    Hope your day has been a good one. Talk soon.

    Hugs
    reach

     
    Old 03-07-2010, 06:44 PM   #67
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Iam glad u had a good time with your family today. I never became much of a hockey fan growing up in southern california, but the olympic finals... ive gota say that was one of the most exciting sporting events ive ever seen. I have alot more respect for the game now.

    To me the addiction iam battling is soooo much harder than dealing with what the cancer has done to me. I have never gotten down on myself because of my leg. I have, however gotten down on myself every single day since i knew i was addicted to pain pills. For so long i would just pop the pills and numb my emotions. I realize now that, that is not the answer, and the way to deal with life.

    Reach you have helped me so much, i really consider you to be a friend. You give me strength and determination. Each time you write to me, or anyone else for that matter theres always somethin that really strikes a chord with me and just sticks to my brain. For example the very last post you responded to at the end where you said we both have been given a few more chances at life and we need to celebrate them.

    Hope your getting some rest and will talk to you soon

     
    Old 03-11-2010, 11:38 AM   #68
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hi Ice

    Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you and hoping all is well. I am not on my game healthwise lately and have not been posting much. My thoughts are with you, though, and I am sending some cyber strength your way to keep up the good work.

    Hugs
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    Old 03-11-2010, 06:03 PM   #69
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    hey Reach! i checked in today just to see if you wrote, sure enough, you did!
    Iam sorry to hear your not feeling well. Alot of people have been sick around me with this nasty bug out there. I hope you get to feelin better soon. i really consider you to be a friend of mine, i dont know if youll ever know how much youve helped me.

    Things have been good, the girlfriend has been keepin me busy
    Other things are starting to return to normal which i just an added benefit!

    I gota try to find dinner, appitite is starting to come back, after drinkin ensure for 2 weeks im ready for a steak! well maybe not yet but at least its starting to sound good.

    Feel better Reach! xoxo

     
    Old 03-16-2010, 03:34 AM   #70
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hi Buddy

    Well, I have been up most of the night.. still hacking and coughing with this bronchial thing. Feeling better during the day, but the constant coughing at night is wearing me down. My husband and mom and grandson had it and the dumb cough lasts about 4 weeks. Bummer.

    Anyway, I was wondering how things are going for you? Hoping all is well. Hoping also you have looked into some aftercare. Yeah, I know, I am a nag. Chuckles. I think it might surprise you how good some aftercare will feel whatever the choice for it is.

    Are you still enjoying the company of your lady? Smiles. I am glad happiness is finding its way back into your life. So much of it is available to us if we keep ourselves in condition to receive it. When we isolate in drug use, we stop even be able to see the opportunities for happiness. I longed for it for way too much time when all along it was in my own hands to do something to find it again. Wasted time. Bah! Can not dwell in the past, but good to learn from it, huh?

    Take care and give a shout out when you can.

    In my thougfhts and heart
    reach

     
    Old 03-17-2010, 12:03 AM   #71
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    hey reach, thinkin of you. i need to get on the aftercare more aggressively. i know how important that his now. im single as well too, it was a mutual thing, plus i need to work on myself not to sound selfish. but i cant love somebody until i learn to love myself again. im taking things day by day. my friend told me of meetings he goes to in the area, he is also had major addiction problems most recently pain pills like myself, hes on suboxone, he said thats what the meeting is for. but i dont want to be on the sub, just would be neat to go to the meetings. i hope your feelin better reach, i think of you everyday. sending good thoughts your way!

    your friend,
    Ice

     
    Old 03-17-2010, 07:14 AM   #72
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hiya Ice

    It is encouraging to read that some meetings and aftercare may be in the near future for you. To check a meeting out with a friend is probably the way I would want to go myself. I always applaud those who brave a first meeting on their own because I know I would be a bit tenative walking in alone the first time. I have a feeling that the meetings your friend attends can be very helpful for you as well. To me, using Suboxone is really when some addicts need the time to learn how to think sober and learn more about the whys of addiction. I know there are some hard core AA and NA members who have a lot of conflict about sub use, but these members really need to understand that paths to sobriety can be different for individuals. With sub, without sub, the goal is to find sober living again.

    i need to work on myself not to sound selfish. but i cant love somebody until i learn to love myself again

    I am so proud of you for coming to this understanding. Ice, I know there may be some disappointment about your lady and you parting ways. I could certainly understand that. However, in all honesty, I think it really is a good thing. Truthfully, I had a lot of reservations about a relationship starting up for you at this point, but did not want to dampen your spirits about it. You don't sound at all selfish in a bad way when you write you must learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. It is simply a basic truth. I think you will learn in any aftercare situation that now is not the time to get involved with anyone. Rather it is the time to be selfish in a good way and time needs to be spent working on you. All effort needs to be exerted on working out the issues behind your addiction and learning the skills that allow us to deal with life sober. That is a lot of work! The year I spent in withdrawal was a time when I had to put aside any wants or needs of others and just concentrate on me without any other concerns. Even in the midst of my family, I would sometimes feel alone and my greatest connection with others was this board and my counselor. We simply have to be 'selfish' to be in a true survival mode and really come out whole again. The time will come again when we can seek out companionship and put our all into it, but for now, the all must go into the self.

    Your life is moving forward in a good direction, Ice. I hope you are acknowledging that for yourself. As you learn to live in sobriety, expect great things to happen. I am solidly with you as you expect them.

    Okay, time to motivate myself to clean out a whole lot of stuff in my house. lmost 40 years of 'stuff' in my attic that I am working on. Yikes! I am incorportaing what I learned in withdrawal in this situation... baby steps! A little at a time, day by day. It took a lot of years to accumulate it all so I can not expect it all to disappear overnight! Day by day it will eventually become a resolved issue. Chuckles. No lessons learned in our cleaning up from addiction go unused in our everyday lives.

    Later, Alligator
    reach

     
    Old 03-17-2010, 06:23 PM   #73
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hey Reach.....you encourage me so much to keep going on the path Iam on. Your a big part of this. I feel like I am headed in the right direction. To get sober and take my life back. I want you to know that.

    Ive waged full on war against this. The one thing I will never do is give up. Well i got alot of great news today. It was one of those days where everything seems to go your way. Most importantly I got my lab results back for bloodwork i had done friday. Its amazing how when your using you let so many things go in your life....including your health. Your life revolves around the next dose...watching the clock...pathetic.

    Everything came back normal except the testosterone. It was flagged for being high. Iam ok with that though I heard awhile back opiates can surpress that especially in males. They did two different types of test for T....both were off the chart. So things are getting revved up again lol. I feel good, naturally.

    I gota jet off to the store, iam going to attempt to cook. Actually its more like boiling water. Appetite is coming back with avengence! I think its gona be ravioli night. How are you feeling? Better I hope.

    Talk with you soon friend.

    Ice

     
    Old 03-18-2010, 06:11 PM   #74
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hey Testoterone Man

    Chuckles. Glad the bloodwork was all good. Glad you are good.

    I am happy to be a part of your journey, Ice. When I encourage you, it lifts my spirits and helps me to keep my thinking straight also. It's a shared blessing for sure.

    There's so many things I don't miss about using... that damn counting is a big one. I would count the pills in the Oxycodone prescription the minute they came into the house... wanted to be sure I wasn't shorted ( actually I was a few times!!). I could never leave the house without checking my meds foirst to make sure I would have enough in case we got stranded or something.... even if it was a short trip to the store and back. Even though I only saw my oncologist twice a year, his phone number was embedded in my head from calling for new scripts. What a drag it all was. What a lot of wasted time and effort. We look back and wonder what the hell was so appealing about that lifestyle... I can think of not one part of it that I would ever, ever want again in my life.

    I spent the day with my baby granddaughter.. she is nine months old. She keeps Hubby and I real busy, but I get such a happy kind of tired being with her. When her brother was born, I was still quite a mess. I loved him so much, but was not always able to enjoy him the way he deserved. It was part of the impetus to get myself right again. They are both joys in my life now and apleasure that my husband and I smile about every day. I am so connected to my husband again. I felt horrible guilt about being such a non-wife for so long. No more guilt now, just the great companionship that comes after many years together ( 39 years this year!).

    Take care, Ice. We will talk again soon.

    Manana
    reach

     
    Old 03-19-2010, 05:56 PM   #75
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    Re: Day 4 cold turkey from 400mg+ oxy per day

    Hey folks, just checkin in.....TGIF!! actually a friend of mine made up a new one, i got a kick out of it. TGIPD (pay day) hehe. who knows it might catch on. busy work week but a good one. lookin foward to relaxing and watchin some march maddness!! love college hoops. nice weather here, its startin to heat up, i actually like the cold though. i think im in the wrong part of the country.

    ya the pill lifestyles not for me anymore, its just a waste, i hate feeling zoned out now that ive had some real clarity for the first time in along time. what a horrible way to live, wake up every morning in w/d's....stressing about running out. then when u did feeling like the world was coming to and end.

    i gota get somethin to eat, i think im gona treat myself to outback and get a tbone with all the fixins!!! im ready to chow down, mmmmmmmmmmm stomach is goin bonkers, feels good to be hungry, i feel pumped. this is the hardest thing ive ever had to do. way harder than dealing with what the cancer has done to me. if i can beat this i can handle anything in life, i firmly believe that. addiction just owns every aspect of your life, it sucks the life out of you, takes over your mind body and soul. it leaves you standing there holding the bags in the end.


    steak time! im gona be an aussie tonite, im goin down under! later mates!

     
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