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    Old 01-13-2011, 08:39 AM   #31
    second go
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    Re: Second Go

    oh another thing.. you might remember i said i was keeping this relapse away from my girlfriend (who i live with).

    well I couldnt do it anymore, so yesterday i told her that i was going through some havy anxiety, and that i needed to get some pills.

    She was mad of course, having gone through my detox with me the first time. She spazzed, "do u want to go through all of that again". I was hoping for a more understanding response, but I can see where her anger is coming from, hell, im mad at myself too. But im not the only one in this predicament. Its a struggle for tons of us!

    I just told her i needed some anxiety pills and a couple morphine to help me cope with a real hard time, she herself does cocaine ocassionally so she couldnt really say nothing to me. But yea its a bit of a load off my back, the lies n hiding pills etc, now i dont have to do all that...

     
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    Old 01-13-2011, 07:11 PM   #32
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    Re: Second Go

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by second go View Post
    Hi all, im new here and have been reading yout threads, theyve helped me with my addiction. I kicked a 2 year oxy addiction last year cold turkey (IT WAS HELL) and i worked as I was withdrawing.

    Anyways I was proud of my self, and body was back to normal, so i decided id get an oxy 40 to celebrate..How dumb was that, now im on oxys again, and morphine capsules 100mg greys, and the occasional clonazepam anti-anxiety when Im not on oxys (I never mix as I know that is extremely harmful)

    I want to quit again, so heres the start of my 'second go' at getting clean. I cant afford pills, and keeping the secret from my gf sucks too.. so far today I took a morphine 50 mg, gone see how long I can go without needing anything. and my problem is i stock up and always have a ziplock with oxys, morphine, dillys, valium, clonazepam, etc)

    This is the start to my jouney once again, I know I cant do it cold turkey this time, so lets see what happens, and i cant go to a detox, I work full time....thnx for listening gys, and any feedback willl be appreciated greatly! - SECOND GO

     
    Old 01-13-2011, 07:21 PM   #33
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    Unhappy Re: Second Go

    I'm new here, but know what you're going through kind of. I started taking hydrocodone a few years ago for pain mgmt, I have spondylolthesis. I know that I am addicted. I always ran out before my next appt, refill etc. I know someone that gives me methedone when I run out, so I had to take it b4 my Dr. appt. Well, the Dr. found it in my urine test and dropped me! Now I have NO Doctor, no money and only have a few methedone that will last maybe 3 days. I was in withdraw 3 days ago b4 I got the methedone again. I went to family Dr. they gave me a shot for pain and an RX for Tylenol 3! only 24 pills. I thought that I could get off the pills after the methedone wore off, but could not stand the withdraw, no sleep, kicking legs, depression and pain, I absolutely almost lost my mind! So again I was lucky to get the methedone from a friend, but do not know what to do when it wears off as they can't help me anymore, they need it for their pain. There is nowhere in this town to get help, I'm actually about 50 miles from nearest large city. My pain was probably tolerable, but I enjoyed the feeling and it helped me survive a terrible divorce, which was two and a half years ago. Now when the meds wear off it feels like it just happened, the divorce, which makes everything twice as miserable, I still love him, but have no contact with him, nor do I know where he lives. He is a sociopath and was abusive. I am scared, I have kids and don't know what to do. I can't even find another Pain Mgmt. Dr. who doesn't have some stupid stipulations or charges 400.00. HELP!

     
    Old 01-13-2011, 08:12 PM   #34
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    Re: Second Go

    You probably feel better now that your girlfriend knows, eh? I remember when I finally told my husband - it was like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had terrible guilt, knowing I was keeping something so big from the person I gave my whole heart to. He had always been very supportive of me no matter what, but the longer I went without telling him, the worse my addiction got so I just kept holding it in.

    I know what you mean about missing Oxy's. I did too at first. I wasn't having cravings, but I missed the fast paced life they gave me. I found myself extremely bored cause I wasn't out searching for pills, money, calling my dealer etc. I had to find new ways to occupy my time, and believe me, the motivation was just not there. So, even though the Suboxone took away the cravings and stopped the withdrawal, I still had to work very hard to establish new, positive habits.

    Anyhow, we are driving to Toronto tomorrow morning so I'll be on the road most of the day. I'm bringing my laptop but probably won't get online until saturday afternoon so I hope the next couple days go well for you. Keep your goal in mind and don't lose faith

    emsmom

     
    Old 01-13-2011, 08:18 PM   #35
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    Re: Second Go

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by emsmom View Post
    You probably feel better now that your girlfriend knows, eh? I remember when I finally told my husband - it was like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had terrible guilt, knowing I was keeping something so big from the person I gave my whole heart to. He had always been very supportive of me no matter what, but the longer I went without telling him, the worse my addiction got so I just kept holding it in.

    I know what you mean about missing Oxy's. I did too at first. I wasn't having cravings, but I missed the fast paced life they gave me. I found myself extremely bored cause I wasn't out searching for pills, money, calling my dealer etc. I had to find new ways to occupy my time, and believe me, the motivation was just not there. So, even though the Suboxone took away the cravings and stopped the withdrawal, I still had to work very hard to establish new, positive habits.

    Anyhow, we are driving to Toronto tomorrow morning so I'll be on the road most of the day. I'm bringing my laptop but probably won't get online until saturday afternoon so I hope the next couple days go well for you. Keep your goal in mind and don't lose faith

    emsmom


    Funny how its the lifestyle that is missed. I miss it more than the drug also. I was thrown into withdrawal and had to stop on a dime. 10 days in jail did that for me.
    I will never go back to using "illegal" drugs ever again. And now, six months post-drug use, I really don't miss that lifestyle but it was interesting especially since I have ADHD.

    Like emsmom says, don't lose faith

     
    Old 01-13-2011, 09:08 PM   #36
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    Re: Second Go

    I hear what you all are saying... its funny cause theres so many similarities.

    so its 9pm right now. This morning i had a codeine 30 mg tea, which just helped my morning aches. I went into work, and like I said my boss was coming in today (i must admit, hes a major source of stress in my life n i used to pop oxys just to tune him out, and not FEEL the ****** feeling of getting in trouble for a missed job or something). anyways he came in today and I told myself I wasnt going to take a pill. he came in stayed for about 3 hours which was hell, but he was in a decent mood.

    I didnt take a pill. I held out until now, which was extremely difficult (i just made a morphine 50mg tea). But i know that the more i do , the harder it will be to take that last pill, so im training my body to be sober, and get used to it, although the aches are still there, i get a rush out of taking long breaks between doses, it feels like im accomplishing something.

    to NOTMEANYMORE that sounds like a raw deal. not having anything sucks, sucks SUCKS. Do you work, where you till have to function daily, or are u a stay home mom? Like how do you manage when you dont have your methadone? it must be really hard, and im surprised that theres no other docs for u to check in with, man o man I feel for u. Is Hydrocodone the same as dillaudids? yea withdrawal is the worst, do you think you can check in with that doctor and tell him your withdrawals are that bad and u might possible go into seizure. T3s arent nothing to me, damn.....too bad ur friends couldnt help you ween off the methadone. keep us posted k

    so now im havn my morph tea, and gonna read some threads, and check some other sites. I hope you all are doing alright.

     
    Old 01-13-2011, 09:51 PM   #37
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    Re: Second Go

    when are they going to invent a shot that cures you of all your addictions? cmon scientists! this stuff hurts, never mind the 578th star found in the galxy for a minute. make us a cure shot!!!!!!

     
    Old 01-14-2011, 12:49 AM   #38
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    Re: Second Go

    I am so sorry you are on this addiction binge. You know each time you quit and go back the addiction gets worse and the quitting gets harder.

    You gotta get rid of your triggers. Like I hold onto my syringes and just as I am starting to get a bit of time in I come across one and there I go. Tonight I threw my rigs in the trash and have said to myself that it will be a cold day in hell before I do meth again.

    I would also like to see you taper but you are on so many things that it would be hard to say what you are tapering from on any given day. You and I both know you can do it. No matter how hard it seems it is not as hard as it has been for you to go, get the drugs, hide it from everyone, spend the money, etc.

    I am sending you some hope and vigilance to kick this thing! Sincerely, searchin

     
    Old 01-14-2011, 01:55 AM   #39
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    Re: Second Go

    thanks Searchin!.. you are right , about getting rid of the triggers. It would also help to delete certain no. in the cell phone, etc. But where im from, the stuff is so easy to come across.

    Congrats on chuckin your rigs....thats a power move there, that says you are taking control, and not letting the drug control you!

    its 1 am and i just woke up, i can choose to pop a pill but im not going to. Im really workin hard at doing minimal amounts right now, besides, i woke up and am not aching so 'dont fix it if it aint broke'. And I liking the energy of your post, which gives me energy to say 'i dont need it!!!!!'.

    appreciate your words, im gonna go back to bed for a couple hours then get up for work, hopefully I wont need much to get out of bed n start my day. Its support like this that helps also, every little thing, when your detoxing, or attempting to detox, helps.

    when i was withdrawing thr first time, man I saw so many 'signs' 'omens' some might call them, that helped me stay focused, and I wanna thank you for helping me realize I didnt need anything right now.thnx....back to bed for oh 4 hours , then work... good luck with your fight with Meth!

    We're all on a mission so to speak, all going to the same place, just some of us take different routes, and meet up here n ther, then go off on our mission again, Ill see you soon cause I know were both headin in the same direction! latr!!

     
    Old 01-14-2011, 06:37 AM   #40
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    Re: Second Go

    its friday morning, 6 am getting ready for work. im making my morphine tea 50 mg, cause im very achy and am late for work, so in order to get my butt in gear, i felt i needed something. aggggh and this was the day i intended and planned on waking early, doing stretches and seeing if i could do without anything this morning.

    ok, now my goal then is to not take anything else all day! ill be back with my pass or fail ...gotta run now...owww...i mean ...walk ....lol.

    good luck to everyone today, remember were not alone in this, and dont beat urself up if u slip up a bit. DAY by DAY agh im late!

     
    Old 01-14-2011, 07:17 PM   #41
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    Re: Second Go

    So I took my morphine 50mg in the morning around 6pm...went to work...i felt fine for most of day, i didnt have pain, but i was aggitated mentally around 4pm so i took a codeine 30mg...its now 7pm and i feel alright, Im planning on going to bed without taking anything....I think i can ..I think I can... no, hell with that I know I can..I know I can...(it sucks typing things over and over again) especially cause i type with like two fingers at a time. But seriously, im gonna try to go to bed without any meds. it will be tough.

    Ill let you know if i did it or not, when I wake up at like 3am. I wake several times during the night, and i go downstairs to go on the comp. The gf always says "what the f are you doing getting up now!!!!!!? go to sleep!!!" haha, i just slip out of bed, go on the comp, then slide back into bed half hour latr lol... I wear the pants in the house...ill go on my laptop and blog when I choose woman!!! haha jokin

     
    Old 01-15-2011, 01:21 AM   #42
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    Re: Second Go

    so i did take 50mg of morphine last night arount 11 pm. So much for my friends 'detox in xyz days' plan.

    its now 1 am and i woke up, not aching or anything so im good for now without meds. ive been having dreams about oxys tho. in my dream a friend keeps offering me an oxy at a house party but never ends up giving it to me, we just keep talking to random people then he goes 'oh yea the oxy relax ill get it' and the dream keeps repeating where he says okay yea so that oxy..one sec, then another random person interupts.

    i got so frustrated, then woke to use the bathroom. gonna check email, read some threads, then go back to bed till 7am n get ready for work. no meds for now necessary.

     
    Old 01-15-2011, 08:01 AM   #43
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    Re: Second Go

    it is 735 am - im getting ready for work, have very little aches, and am in a good mood for some reason, i dont know why. Maybe cause its payday! anyways no pills this morning, which i havnt done in a looong time.

    I said in another thread, my goal is to be one of the people writing "so ive been off oxys for 19 days now........"

    im determined!, have a great day people, turn on some good music, re-train your mind to look at things in a positive light (the withdrawal depression is almost like a played out thing to me now...I know why i feel like everything is bad, ya ya boo hoo boooo hoooooo booooooo hoooooooo im dowwwwwwwn!!! blah blahhh do you hear me im downnnn....anyone cmon have sympathy for me.....everything suuuuuucks lol) withdrawal makes u go a bit nuts too. Im going to take an L-Tyrosine (which is a mental fatigue booster sold at health stores)

    I havnt taken them for quite some time, because they used to make my mind race too much, and I would get anxious (as if everything i had to do that day, i wanted done immediately, or i started to spaz out). But im going to take half an L-tyrosine, simply because its been a long time since i have not taken anything in the morning to get going. L-Tyrosine gets you GOING, trust ME! but yeah half of one so i dont get overly anxious-- and my b6 vit for energy, and one-a-day vitamin cause I dont eat enough vegetables.

    talk to y'all in a few hours...i got this 'Rogers Stick' which is a usb device you plug in to your laptop, its the size of a flash drive, and you get internet wherever you are, anywhere. For those unaware of Rogers which i think is just in Canada. The stick is like an internet router, and I can ramble on about my detox and read about yours anywhere i want..........yours better be good too, this router costs me 30 bux a month! lol. off to work to get my paycheck....... youre like shut up already i have things to do, but I hav to finish reading your rambling, there might be something useful in there somewhere......well I dont want to let you down, so heres something useful. There are millions of drug addicts in this country, youre not a crazy loser, drugs are the crazy loser OK!!!!!!!! lets fight that crazy loser, other people have fought him, what are we not tough huh, are we wimps huh?...did our mommys dress us today? huh??? im kickin that losers butt today, well at least for this morning, we'll see how many rounds I can go. Ill need a timeout to go cash my check for more incentive! lol

    edit: one more thing...anyone else love watching celebrity rehab! I love it, only thing is I wished they show more of the actual treatment and less 'drama' between the patients, but thats media for ya.... gotta ******** all the episodes today and watch em tonight!

    Last edited by second go; 01-15-2011 at 08:17 AM.

     
    Old 01-15-2011, 08:49 PM   #44
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    Re: Second Go

    well today was okay. its now 9pm.... im frustrated because a friend who was holding my morphines didnt bring them to me!, as he was supposed to. So the only thing I had all day was 2 codeine 30mgs (barely took away my aches). im partially glad because i didnt do much, but my mood is under the weather so im having a hard time trying to express any positive aspect of the day, and im upset (actually choked!) that he didnt come by, he knew i was out of them, and am stuck here at work.

    well i ache, and im going to try to call him once again.................blahhhh

    its not the end of the world, i think ill just try to sleep this off..i have some risperidone which should help me get to sleep. Hope u guys had better days than me.

    Oh btw my boss was here ALL day watching over our shoulders as we did paper work...talk about anxiety. gnite y'all

     
    Old 01-16-2011, 08:37 AM   #45
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    Re: Second Go

    Sunday 8am. its gloomy outside rainy n all. i just woke. im not a happy camper because a friend of mine has my morphine. all i have is 3 codeine 30s.

    i am off to work. im sore, but im not going to take these until i really need them. im cranky and just wish i had a day off to 'struggle' w the pain,

    ill prob take them around noon, 3, and 6 pm. then i have no more meds. im assuming my friend did my morphines and is waiting until he can replace them before he answers my calls.

    im not going to whine about this. This may be a blessing in disquise. I may be taking my last 3 pills. It is starting to dawn on me that ive been dragging this on quite a long time. the good thing is i have the next 3 days off. it would just be smart for me to ride it out. i know i said i wouldnt touch any benzos, but i may need to ask my gf's friend for a couple ativans to sleep the next few nights. This might be it.

    my pain isnt unbearable right now, im hoping it can stay at this level. Im going to try to 'mind over matter' this situation, rather than worry about what the following days have in store. Ive done it before, it was tough, but I did it. And the last time I detoxed was off of 2 years of oxys everyday. Right now im detoxing off of, oh, i'd say 5 months of morphine/codeine everyday. I personally feel that morphne is less powerful on my body. I havnt gotten high in the last 5 months, it just took the edge away, so im almost used to feeling 'sober' everyday. These pills have jusy been like a crutch, to make my day smoother, guess its time to take it how it comes. I said i want to be one of those people saying "20 days off opiates and managing alright....". That now is my goal....i dont want my goal to be hunting down my friend to give me more of what i have been trying to get away from. Thats my logical frontal lobe speaking. Now my lower limbic system part of my brain, and amygdala (the little peanut sized thing in the center that controls anger) is telling me that I am not very happy with my friends actions this week. I dont want to hear excuses from him, i actually would rather not talk to him, this whole week or maybe two. Then maybe i can look back and laugh. but for now its gonna be a crappy day at work. i wish you all a greater day than I!!!!!...ill talk to you all in 8 hours or so, my mind willl prob be in all sorts of diff places, will be interesting...

    guess i should go buy my gravol, gatorade, trail mix, immodium, st johns wort tea, vit b, and benaryl. argg!

    Last edited by second go; 01-16-2011 at 08:45 AM.

     
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