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    Old 01-16-2011, 11:30 PM   #46
    second go
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    Re: Second Go

    its 10:17 pm sunday. today was rough, did my last 3 codeines today, last one at 8pm, and i nodded off, just woke back up now.

    So Im completely out. doin this cold turkey again. Never did hear back from my frind with the morphines, but like i said Im sour about that now, and im determined to cut myself off starting right now. Morning ill have some aches. my gf friend said shell give me some ativans for sleep, as for tommorrow it will prob be a lot of layin in bed/getting up and walkin it off.

    since im bout to detox i feel like telling you all about how i detoxed the first time around, hence my screen name 'second go'. This will be long and epic, so if ur not interested, hit that back arrow button and do your thing. But this was a very heavy part of my life for me last year so Im going to share it w you. grab a tea and come along:

    it was august of last year and my friends n gf were all going up to the kootenays for a 5 day electronic music camp/dance party/drug environment, or rave as some ol school ppl might call it. Only nowadays if you dont know, the music is 50 times better.

    we planned our trip for thurs fri sat sunday and drive back monday. It is an 8-9 hour drive up there. pepole travel from all over the world to rip it up at this event called Shabhala! OMG the thought of the name just gives me excited shivers, we go every year, and have a blast!

    So I packed 3 oxy 80s for the trip....i was doing an 80 a day, but figured i could buy some up there when i ran out, and i planned on making them last mayb the whole trip, cause theres mdma, and other substances ppl indulge in up there. So we drive up thursday morning, get there thurs night, set up camp, meet up w friends and start the party off, but it was getting dark and thursday they kinda slow things down round 3am (the rest of the weekend, there are 5 stages that run 24hrs a day! and approx 10 000 ppl attend and camp out up there, i think ths year was over capacity and was about 14 000 ppl. something like that anywhoo.

    friday morn, i pop an mdma at 10 am.....I like to get into it right off the bat and go to the lake n chill/meet up with friends I see every year. This was the first year I went up with a habit (oxys).

    so were partying im doin mdma, nibbling on my oxys..partying until 6am, when we usually go to sleep and wake at 9 am....I seemed to run out of my oxys by friday night tho. So I asked my group of friends if anyone had opiates, they kinda looked at me funny, cause ppl are on everything but opiates up there. I asked another friend who I thought would have the hook up, nope she said they did all of theirs by that time. heres where I started to panic. I didnt want to run around yelling out if anyone had oxys! anyone got morphine?!, anyon got percs?!!! I started to feel like a junky /outkast amidst 14 000 drug induced party ppl.

    it was surreal. I kept my shades on all day saturday and barely spoke to anyone (sleep was tough). I kept hoping that one friend would come through with a hook up, but she never did, and finding someone in that crowd of ppl is mission immpossible

    Saturday morning I went to the first aid tent (the event is run extremely well with harm-reduction booths, drug testing booths, and a makeshift doctors unit) I asked tgem if they had any painkillers as I ran out and had back pains from a work injury. they looked at me funny, and said they could give me this pill, i cant recalll the name it was something like Niazopram or something, a big grey pill. they told me to take it w food or i might get internal bleeding, there was two in the bottle. well that got me through staurday afternoon, still aching like a mofo (i had been doing oxys everyday for 2 years, non stop). I stood by speakers to blast awaay the pain for about 2 hour that night but had to retreat to my tent at 8 pm, toooo achy, and agro, and worried. I took my gf's gravol, and miraculaously slept. (this was the night I had the staredown with myself in my gf's mirror...I was battling the addict in the mirror, and I had to win the stare down so I made myself belive that the addict in the mirror turned away before 'I' did. Now im battling myself!!

    I woke up sunday to go to relieve myself at 6 am, and noticed minimal pain. I was kida shocked cause I had done lots of research on detox and oxy withdrawal, just because i was always studying whatever drug i was doing. I was kinda relived and surprised that I could walk around and had minimal aches. but i still needed to wear sunglasses all day cause bags under my eyes and you could just see in my eyes that i was hurting for a fix of any kind of opiate ..it would have made my night to get ahold of a pill. Asked that friend, she said meet "me at a certain tent around 5pm, I may have morphine" well that never happened.

    sunday night it got really bad, the first aid tent told me they could only give me tylenol, and 'wouldnt have given me the othe pill the night before cause I would have needed a prescription for it', i told them (without ratting) that somone gave me something that helped me sleep and it was grey....., NOPE they gave me two tylenol and sent me off. So the whole trip had an underlying crappy vibe, despite it is one of the funnest partys anywhere. top DJS are there, etc.

    I slept through most of the nighttime dj sets (soooomad!). Sunday night I told my gf I was going to drive home!!!!, I couldnt take it. AND have to deal with monday as well!!!!! prob with no sleep!!!! I was in my tent and ready to drive 9 hrs back home to get a pill! (leave the party of the year to go downtown and score a pain killer-I know awful) this is when I realized, hey I have a serious problem!!!

    now I had a small 20mg pice of oxy in my pocket the whole time, knowing that id need it for the drive home! in my pocket this WHOLE TIME and I knew it. that was a mind game believe me!

    the gf wouldnt let me go, she said I was nuts, etc etc. she didnt understand oxys the way I did, and she didnt understand how dangerous withdrawals with no care, can be. I told her I can go into a seizure or even die....she would let me go, she said I have some gravol you will be able to sleep, and that her friend had muscle relaxers...like 2 of em! whoopy.. muscle relaxers, cmon, that was not going to do anything for my pain or mood. Im screaming inside, tossing turning, aching, basically at my lowest point ever in life, next to my mother passing away a year before.(rest her soul).

    well I took the gravol and AMAZINGLY fell asleep. I woke at 5 am to go to the portapotty again, and I felt minimal aches. I thought my goodness! am I over the hump? Is that it...ive gone through withdrawals in two days???!!! I was ecstatic!, I told my close friends about my whole ordeal, told them I had been in my tent for that last 16 hours. I took off my shirt, took off my sunglasses, and I was getting a 'high' off of the accomplishment! was able to party a bit more, took an mdma, didnt make me happy at all haha, but well i guess it helped. And I was talking to the land up there, begging it to take my addiction away, begging it to take it and leave it up there!!! it was intense. and the was the land is, its like high mountains all around so it seems as if your in a kind of 'cradle' in the earth. I got comfort from that as well, like I was being taken care of by the universe! seriously! And not to mention the irony of kicking a drug addiction at a place where Everyone id doing substances!! thats what was an interesting piece for me. it did help because as you come down, you need certain things to help u come down slowly , a lttle weed here, a tylol 3 from a friend, some mdma, and the MUSIC which I love helped with my dopamine, and the peoples energy at that place is like none other!!! it shard to explain, you say hi to everyone you walk past. Similar to 'burning man' but id say a bit more of a 'love' spin on it! I look forward to it every year!

    Monday we packed up, now Im still moving slow, dont get me wrong it was hard, but I was just so excited that I might have kicked my addiction without even intending to. the drive home was hell..we left at 2pm cause EVERYONE is trying to leave at same time 14 000 ppl in cars n campers. we sat in the hot sun in a row of cars n truck trying to leave the grounds for 2 hrs....we got off the site at about 330 pm monday. almost heatstroke plus what im going through..i was not a 'happy camper' wha wha whaaaaa.

    so we leave at 330 it starts to get dark and rainy. the drive home took 10 and a half hours cause of the rain and visibility on the highways. We got home at 230 am. NOW HERES THE KICKER!!!! I planned my trip to come back and work tuesday morning at 630 AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & I couldnt call in sick where i work!

    My goodness, i slept for 2 hrs, going through withdrawals, got up at 6 and hit 7-11....got trail mix and gatorade, brought my vitamin one-a-days and b6's. and struggled throught the day. Interestingly it got worse by wednesday. I started having fluish symptoms now, and I had to book off a day of work...I could walk up stairs...nothing...so i went home laid in bed for hours just weak as ever,and my heart would race anytime i tried to get up and walk around, I was worried. But I kept it low-key, walked around my living room whenever i got the energy to get off the fouton.

    the feeling though was like in the movie 'cast away' when tom hanks gets stranded on an island and at the end he gets over that wave that was keeping him on it, and tried and tried and got over the wave in his boat, and was free from the pull, keeping him on the island. I felt like I had just gotten over that 'seemingly immpossble' wave. I rented that movie the next day and it was quite emotional. I recommend it to addicts trying to kick habit, there are a lot of parallells in the movie.

    Thursday and friday were still fluish symptoms, diahrea, and i threw up once. Well I was back to work on saturday, still taking my vitamins, trail mix and gatorade (must have went through 26 bottles that week) of the big G2 gatorages.

    by monday I was feeling almost normal. My very good friends made me a big salmon feast, then we went to the beach for a late night bon fire. So wicked!!!!

    my friends had all tried percs and the odd oxys in that year, but always took breaks, I was the one who went hardcore not missing a day.

    by tues wednesday I was feeling almost 100 percent. I had no cravings to get pills. drove past the place id get them at, and didnt even feel anything, no urge nothing.

    NOW, about a month later, im noticing that work was stressin me out a bit. so I went and got an oxy 40. It was kinda like a for-ol-time-sake thing, and I was curious to see if it would now give me a high again, cause for so many months before the camp I was just scoring to feel normal....zero high at all.

    So my dumb A$$ got a 40 mg, did it, it wasnt anything special. But next week I started to think. what if I got an oxy80 and carried it with me as a reminder of what I went through (which was really an epic journey for me). I thought, mabe if I carry one around it will give me a strength, like "im carrying my cryptonite in my pocket and its not affecting me"

    Dumb thing to do....i started getting and 80 a week again, then I switched to morphine cause i thought it would be less potent, and well, a different drug, so I can say 'hey im not taking oxys!'

    So there I was getting morphine, and have been for about 5 moths now.

    And now im back to that day at camp when I ran out, but i feel this time im not coming off of a 2 year bender....its more like 5 months of morphine and codeine abuse.

    well thats my story ...and I am determined to kick again starting today...I just did my last codeine at 8 pm, and have mothing left...i will gab my gf's friends ativans maybe 4 or 5 to help me sleep for the next 3days cause I have 3 days off starting tommr.!!!! withdrawals..Im ready for you... I want o mind-over-matter this as much as i can, and I dont want to worry about the day ahead. Im going one day at a time, and am surprisingly looking forward to kicking this powerful opiate for the second time... thanks for reading, it helps to get these things off my chest, and it reminds me of what I have to do....

    Talk tommorrow you all!!! and keep fighting it...I plan on continuing to post on here everyday for at least a couple months. I want to say "30 days clean!".... have a great one guys...gnite

    ps no spell check...too tired! lol

    Last edited by second go; 01-17-2011 at 06:36 AM.

     
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    Old 01-17-2011, 08:23 AM   #47
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    Re: Second Go

    its 730am...very achy, and i dont have motivation to do anything, thank goodness i have today and the next 3 days OFF... im gonna pvr (celeb rehab!!), walk around living room, to to bathroom, groan, pvr (more rehab), drink a jug of gatorade, take vitamins, pvr (jersey shore), moan.....and repeat..

    talk to yall in couple hours, goin back to bed, if I can. found a klonopin 0.5 in my wallet with a corner chipped off, hahaha oh me oh my....

    Last edited by second go; 01-17-2011 at 08:23 AM.

     
    Old 01-18-2011, 07:39 AM   #48
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    Re: Second Go

    Tuesday 7:00am- im up, and well , did absolutely no drugs yesterday, besides some weed which jusy knocked my out, not to mention waking at 7 am yesterday. (didnt even need the ativan for sleep, I also have a couple risperideones for sleep, but will use em in emergengy) So I consider this day two.

    I havnt gone and bought my home remedies yet; guess I ll do that today, as I was just too energyless yesterday. This morning a woke up really achy, lke I couldnt get outta bed to go to bathroom, but as I walked around some, my joints relexed and It is not that bad 'knock on wood'.

    I also have some valiums, and 2 clonazepam 2's for if my anxiety goes through the roof (probably save those for when I return to work on Thursday). I AM DETERMINED to fight and 'will' this cleansing into existence.

    I cant turn back now, and like I said im honest on here, it wouldnt be of any interest or benefit to lie, which makes it a nother outside pressure for me to stay on this clean path. If I were to take a quarter of a morphine, I would document it, 1) cause if not doing this for any of you, its for myself...and 2) it would mess up my journal and log, which I take pride in being honest in. If I releapse, I relapse, and your all gonna hear about it, cause thats part of the game often, so I have no shame there.

    I am just stoked that this morning hasnt been an ache fest, and I am able to walk up and down my two flights of stairs with ease. Gonna chill and watch everything my gf 'pvr'd' today (jersey shore, celeb rehab, dunno what else) but yes I will be a veg today, with NO drugs, except the vitamins I just took, D, B6, one-a-day, and Im comtemplating this L-Tyrosine. (L tyrosine is great more mentakl fatique, but it makes my mind race, and therefore I get anxious (it would be the opposite of say, taking a klonpin or valium, to chiil the mind, it would put me into overdrive, and I d want to clean my whole house (I get a clarity when I do them, like "is this really the pig sty Ive been living in?...and I got crazy trying to clean it up fast) so ill leave that alone today, might end up over exerting myself. Nope today is fouton/tv/music/pvr/lunch w my gf (who doesnt know im detoxing btw) ill have to tell her that those anxiety pills messed me up a bit, because i did admit those to her last week, when she busted my for leaving at 8 in the morning.

    Heres to my day 2, and your day!... hey Emsmom, you back yet? how was it? And Ravensgirl, you are a trooper! I can tell you 'want this' and when you want something, nothing can stand in your way. Reach out if you need any more lil tips, and Ill do the same if I get stuck. But baby Im stoked to be on the path of not relying on these pills. over and out for now....

    Oh my song of the week right now is by Mark Ronson & D'Angelo, cant recall the title, but its epic...I may have it on repeat today to keep me focused. For those of you who know music, thats an awesome collabo!...look for it on web, you'll thank me!!! D'angelo spills his soul with funk/soul imagery, and Mark Ronson & the busness intl. is a producer's producer! (he did Nikki Costas 'everybodys got that something', lot of 'Amy Whinehouses' records, and 'oooow weee ft Nate dogg & Ghostface' to name a few.... I DJ and produce BTW....

    edit: its called 'glass mountain trust' (has become my anthem for this time!...gota turn it up LOUD)

    lyrics:

    Mark Ronson- Glass Mountain Trust Lyrics (feat. D’Angelo)

    I look up at this mountain in marble
    It stands so tall
    So tragically it’s fragile
    I’m waiting for it to fall
    Enormous mass it’s made of glass
    Instead of with a substance
    That’s stronger
    U thought that it would hold me
    I can’t take it any longer

    I’m gonna break out
    I’m gonna break out
    I’m gonna take
    All of my love back
    On the way out

    [REPEAT]
    I’m free now
    I’m gonna take
    All of my love back
    On the way out

    The fortress of our trust
    A mirage of a might mound
    I let U build around me
    Above me
    It seemed profound
    But much to my surprise
    It receives a little hit
    And it crumbles
    I’m leaning at the core
    No support
    All I can do is stumble

    I’m gonna break out
    I’m gonna break out
    I’m gonna take
    All of my love back
    On the way out

    [REPEAT]
    I’m free now
    I’m gonna take
    All of my love back
    On the way out

    I’m gonna break out
    I’m gonna break out
    I’m gonna take
    All of my love back
    On the way out

    [REPEAT]
    I’m free now
    I’m gonna take
    All of my love back
    On the way out
    A streak of light
    Exposes all the glass for stone
    This mountain
    Can no longer pass
    The confidence that we share
    Has been a facade
    I’m breaking out and
    Leaving only the shards
    Formidable
    The structure only looks
    I bust right through the glass
    One attempt and
    That’s all it took
    I wanted to remain
    Feeling safe
    But it just can’t sustain me
    It feels more like a trap
    Gotta break out
    Won’t let it contain me

    I’m gonna break out
    I’m gonna break out
    I’m gonna take
    All of my love back
    On the way out

    [REPEAT]
    I’m free now
    I’m gonna take
    All of my love back
    On the way out....

    Last edited by second go; 01-18-2011 at 08:01 AM.

     
    Old 01-19-2011, 08:25 AM   #49
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    Re: Second Go

    Hey Second Go

    I know I've basically just posted my thoughts and questions on the thread I started, but I had an experience yesterday that reminded me of what you wrote below. Maybe you will have some insight for me from your own experience. I twisted my ankle walking after the ice storm we had yesterday. After trying all non-narcotic means to make it pain ease up, I was left with 2 choices. My mother was over, and I know she uses percocet for her Crohn's disease. They are low dose, and 1/2 a pill would be less than the least any doc would give me at the ER (which they were saying was full due to accidents from the ice storm) or at Secure Care (the walk-in med clinic places, least that's what they call them here). I also knew if I called my doc, he'd likely call in a prescription, which would be for more than one pill. Thankfully, all the other options scared me--I don't want access to these things again. I don't want the temptation put right in front of me again. So I asked my mother if I could have 1/2 of one of her pills, which would be the absolute lowest amount of opiate I would get compared to the other options, and if that didn't help me, along with keeping it iced and elevated the rest of the day, then I'd go to the ER or what have you. After some debate about what it might do to my sobriety, she did give me that 1/2. This reminded me of when you said you'd gone cold turkey, then had a celebratory pill and it kicked it off again for you. I was scared the whole time, worried I would feel that "high" again, and then, when the pill started to wear off, would start craving hard again, like I did when I started my detox. So now it's the next morning, and so far, none of that. But I'm still scared I might feel some/all of that today, or that the lethargy and other withdrawal effects I've been fighting would get worse from this. And I feel guilty that I had almost 6 days with no opiates whatsoever, and then had that 1/2 pill. Any thoughts you have for me/about this? And thanks in advance!

     
    Old 01-19-2011, 10:10 AM   #50
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    Re: Second Go

    well, you really did it now!...messed the whole thing up, theres no way to correct this mistake, you might as well go back to taking pills! JOKING!!! C'mon we need some humour here, and I know you 'get' it.

    Hey, so you did a half a perc. That is not enough to set you back in your detox stage. I dont believe you'll feel any 'more' withdrawal symptoms from that, compared to what withdrawal symptoms you are already having.

    You seem to have been doing really well!, and If you dont do anymore 'half pills', you will be over this rough hump in no time. I, personally look at what you did as a slip up, that will not affect your cold turkey detox. IMO you are still on day 6, going on 7. (someone with obsessive compulsive disorder might look at it as a 'fail', and would mentallly feel that they are at stage 1 again, because the withdrawal was 'flawed').

    I say to heck with all of that, you are moving forward still, and it seems as though that light at the end of the tunnel should be coming soon! Day 7, 8, 9 this is probably where you are going to start to get your energy back, you wont 'hate' everything, you will start to regain your sense of smell, things will start to look brighter (go outside your door and look at some trees or just whatever is outside of your door...it should start to look clearer, and you will appreciate everything more.

    You will most likely hit an emotional stage too. At day 7/8 for me, I was very emotional, like a rollercoaster. I would cry when I thought about my accomplishment, when I listened to good music (this is a must ...turn on some of your favorite tunes right now!). But yeah, I had a lot of sad moments ...thinking about how I was basically destroying myself, and couldnt believe that I didnt care about my well being. I would burst out crying at the oddest times, if I saw something even as simple as a mom zipping up her sons coat, just the small things that make up life, that I had been blurring out with drugs for such a long time. I started to feel like I was living again, and almost messed up my life. I cried tears of joy, knowing that I gave myself a second chance at a healthy life.

    youre like wimpy boy!...hahaha no really it is an emotional stage. Just keep focused.

    Hey! I am on day 2! of having NO drugs, besides some weed yesterday. I am excited, because once again, I wasnt planning on detoxing quite yet, but because my buddy didnt come by with my morphine, THAT was the catalyst for me to say OK now its time to really do this. and I did. I had zero opiates yesterday, and I sure as hell aint touchin any today! It feels so good, and I have very little pain.. that might come in the next couple days, but Im not expecting it to be as bad as the 'first go', because like I said...i havnt been getting high recently, just taking the edge off. I am going to land this plane smoothly I can feel it (I might need some immodium AD though, so Im not on the toilet every half hour).

    So cudos to us, and everyone else who is moving forward with us; everyone has their own pace, but we're all moving away from the thing that we want to get away from. walk, crawl, run, unicycle, I dont care...lets just keep moving away from the source of our grief.

    I dont know about you but I get a 'high' off of my withdrawal stages, the fact that im accomplishing something that is sooo hard to do, and am being successful, gives me strength and confidence. Like if I can do this, then theres nothing you cant tell me I can do!!!!

    All in all, tho to ur question..NO you have not jeopardized your goal. You 'tripped over an object' getting from point A to B... or in your case twisted your ankle...but that doesnt mean go back to point A....Keep it movin girl...!

     
    Old 01-19-2011, 10:16 AM   #51
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    Re: Second Go

    10 am---> Day 2 free of opiates!!!! Going to meet friend for coffee! I feel great today. the aches are there, but nothing I cant handle.... hmmmmm JJ Bean coffee, 7-11, or Starbucks??? lol

    talk to you all in a few hours

     
    Old 01-19-2011, 10:42 AM   #52
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    Re: Second Go

    Lol, you really do resonate with me, maybe because i relate to some of what you've described in your friends, music, lifestyle, etc. On a totally side note, isn't it cool that this huge world is now so much smaller & more accessible?! And no, I don't "blame canada"--least not anymore hehehe. I knew going into this that the odds were long that I would need to take opiates for this ankle again at some point--just for surgery and whatnot. Was even told that by the very pain mgmt doc who so eagerly put me on the rapid detox and sent me packing from the practice. What I didn't expect was to have a problem so soon.

    But I AM NOT THROWING IN THE TOWEL OR THINKING I'VE FAILED AT THIS! We had an ice storm, I have a ****** ankle, is what it is. And in looking back at all I went through mentally over that 1/2 pill, I am actually proud of myself. There were soooo many other routes to getting pills, legal routes most of all, that would have offered me more of them, stronger of them, etc. I hated to have to take in any after this struggle so far, but I CHOSE to take as very little as I could, and your assessment is right. I haven't had any new cravings, nor increase in withdrawal symptoms.

    I will admit this, only to you (and the millions who read these posts lmao)--I was and have been a toker for a long time. That was never my prob--neither that nor any other stuff but opiates. Could toke every day, then it'd dry up and go months that way. In fact, for years of this ankle thing, that's what I'd do to relieve the pain when it occurred, no probs. I did toke twice in the last couple weeks, very small amounts, with a friend. I don't have any around, don't keep it around at the moment. But I can say, FOR ME, it so greatly helped me with the bad symptoms those 2 times recently, and I was able to not only eat & keep it down, but also to go to sleep w/o any Klonapin. To me, natural things have always been preferred to chemically processed stuff. And, as we all know each of us is different, I know that my demon is opiates. Proof's in the pudding, as they say.

    I'm very proud of you and what you're now going through these past couple days and those to come. We both know the difference between having some level of opiate in the system, and none at all. And I am thankful to have found a place where even the most unseemly of topics (think we both know what we're talking here) aren't off the table. We both deal with them, we ALL, all of us opiate addicts, go through them. I am still kinda amazed at myself that I do so much talking on here--despite being a girl, I'm usually pretty slow to open up on many things, especially ones that involve emotion. But I am doing it, and it's helping, you and the boards are helping more than you could know, I only hope reading my garb might be in someway helpful to you, and as many others as might also do so. And to compare where I am now to where I was when I started this process over 2 weeks ago, what a lucky gal I am! As always, THANK YOU

     
    Old 01-19-2011, 11:39 PM   #53
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    Re: Second Go

    second go, you and another guy who posts both have significant others who give you a hard time. you need to tell her that she needs to be supportive. after all what if you told her no more coke! and got mad when she did it. I had a spouse who was addicted to everything under the sun. I would have given anything to had someone who was actually trying to quit! anyways don't get mad at me i am just saying....don't let it get you down. your first loyalty has to be to yourself and getting better. you wont be any good to her if you are not good to yourself. good luck

     
    Old 01-20-2011, 12:02 AM   #54
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    Re: Second Go

    i just finished reading most of your thread second go. you are very inspiring. your gf should be extremely proud of you. one thing you need to remember is that relapse is very easy. don't beat yourself to death. try to deal with it as soon as it happens though. i don't remember if you said you had a legitimate reason to be taking opiates in the first place. I am not saying that makes it any easier because sometimes it doesn't. I found this site when I ran out of pain meds for a couple of days. I didn't get to the doc to get my refill on time and it was pure he__! Now that I did go a couple days last month on a limited amount, I have unfortunately worked my way back up to 4 30mg roxys a day. I have pain I can't deny that but, when the need for a roxy rules over the pain then yes u have a problem houston! Your thread is inspiring to me. I have enjoyed reading your journey through he__ and back again! I am 42 years old and I am depressed because I think these pills have a hold on me yet I am not brave enough to tell my doc because I don't know what I would do if he cut me off. I am no way in any financial shape to get them from others if you know what i mean. I am going to try to take it slow and go from 4 to 3 a day and so forth.

     
    Old 01-20-2011, 08:50 AM   #55
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    Re: Second Go

    oxy girl, yea that tapering plan sounds like it might be a good idea, im not sure though because I dont know you all that well, and not sure how your body will take to the drops in doses, and you say youre hesitant to tell your doc. My opinion on that is, i have read that it is very important to consult with your doc when trying to get off any substance. wishn you luck, gotta run cause i was late for work, but lets keep this chat going cause im not done talking w you about it k.....

     
    Old 01-20-2011, 09:08 AM   #56
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    Re: Second Go

    Bad news is ----> ive only skimmed over the things you guys wrote because i woke up late for work today (friend came by last night, we smoked a lot of weed, ans when he left, i went on the computer at a coffeetable in front of my fouton......well I woke up (sitting up position) on front of my laptop, i remember my gf telling me to come upstairs and go to bed, blurry memory.

    So i slept all night sitting up w my head on my chest, logged onto this site. I was half hour late for work, but my boss just left, so I got 15 min net talk time woooooo!

    Good news is, im about to read all of your comments guys, and I am on day 3! of absolutley no opiates, or benzos! I get a rush from the accomplishment ive said it before. I think it was that rush, that got me out the door in 5 min this morning.

    But yeah, IM STOKED...im not all that achy, a bit in my legs, and my mood is like a rollercoaster, but I KNOW what it is that is doing all of this, so I act accordingly and tell myself, hey this is just the addiction fighting with me, and Im not gonna lose, it might as well throw in the towel, cause im so focused now, especially with your guys interactions. I thank you all cause it has definitely been a component in my detox for sure.

    So day 3, its gonna be a LONG day, ive loaded up on vitamin, gatorade, but like i said so far minimal aches....mostly keeping my mind 'on point' and not to get anxious about people at work today or the way my boss talks to me (he was here this morn..just left, and was in good spirits, thank goodness...sometimes it can throw my whole day off)

    So i gotta run for now, catch up on my late arrival work after i read your comments. !!

    wish I could bump some tunes here that really helps my mood....everything from the Beatles to rap electro, bubstep, and rnb. (for the music lovers)

    talk in an hour here.....

     
    Old 01-20-2011, 09:14 AM   #57
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    Re: Second Go

    Hey Oxy Girl

    I am sharing a few thoughts after reading your post about your pain and issues with your meds--take it for whatever it's worth. I, too, had a very serious, chronic, "legitimate" injury that started me taking percocet, which did get to the point of having to take it daily. I had my orthopedist doing multiple surgeries, and a pain management doc prescribing my monthly amount of pills. When I ran out, as you said you did too, just a couple days early, it was, as you quite aptly put it, HELL. Opiates used over time, especially in daily amounts above low dose pill, just simply do cause a physical dependence. And once your body is at that point, when you even have to "dip down" under what you're used to having every day, the HELL begins, doesn't it! lol

    I also know in my case, when it got real bad for me (and taking 3 or 4 percocet 5's a day for me became MILD in the months prior to me finally getting off them!), my injury would actually get worse! I finally had to go to my pain management doc, since I was wayyy early to get the next month's prescription, had already used up an rx for them I got from my orthopedist as well, and just plain knew I couldn't get anymore (least not legally and with insurance co-pay lol). But even lowering your current daily dose really is something to do under the supervision of your pain management doctor. That's part of what they're trained to do, and the goal of any legitimate one would be to help his patients take as little opiates as need be, for as short a time as need be, and to help taper off those who can. I "fessed up" to my doc, he still treated me like a human being, not a junkie, and then put me on a rapid (2-week) but medically controlled detox plan. What a good doc will do is the tapering you spoke of. They'll start spreading out the time in between when you take your doses, then then amount at each dose, usually every 3-5 days you'd go down some measure. There are also other medicines they can and often do give in conjunction, to help with the withdrawal symptoms.

    I'm no expert, but as someone with years of surgeries and chronic pain from my ankle, having gotten to the point I was using, ON AVERAGE, 15-25 percocet a day, I have gone through 2 and 1/2 weeks of detox already, and am on day 8 of not taking them. And my ankle feels BETTER than when I was pumping the pills in every time I felt it act up! People like you and I will always have some pain, no way around that. But if you are feeling that the meds might be gripping you/your body like the injury pain unfortunately did when that first happened, don't be afraid to talk to your doc frankly, and see if you can do a well-tapered program so you can really get to your lowest needed level without as much of the detox hell as possible. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts, take what you like, toss what you don't, and truly I wish you the best, nothing but good things in your struggle--you got this far, so I doubt there's anything you can't achieve!

    p.s.--have to run so sorry for any spelling/grammar stuff, hope there wasn't too much!

     
    Old 01-20-2011, 02:57 PM   #58
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    Re: Second Go

    thanks Raven

    I was telling second go that I am having a horrible time with my knees now. I was supposed to get on operated on and kept putting it off. now my good knee hurts worse than my bad one! I am taking 1/2 pill a dose and trying to keep it at 3 a day instead of 4. Hopefully even by cutting down a little I won't have as hard a problem quitting once i get my legs took care of.

    I wish you and second go good luck. You guys are inspirational to read about and give me hope of a better future with all of this. Take care and I will check back tonight or tomorrow.

     
    Old 01-20-2011, 03:29 PM   #59
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    Re: Second Go

    If there's just ONE THING I can say that you'll take away with you from reading this, it's GET THAT SURGERY DONE ASAP!!! My right knee sometimes has issues (thankfully, only rarely) because, from putting off having the 2nd left ankle transplant, I kept putting so much of my body weight on my right that it started to mess with that. DON'T DELAY IF YOU CAN SPEED IT UP! I know soooo well how scary surgery is, especially when you've already been through it. I've had several, and I'm still pretty young (got another 50-60 years to deal with this ankle!). AND, I can tell you with COMPLETE certainty, what drove my dependence on opiates to FULL BLOWN HELL was that I waited too long for that last ankle transplant. By that time, the few a day I was taking (as it sounds you are now), went wayyyyy up!!!!!!!!! And so they just kept giving me more, then pure oxy w/o the tylenol in it, etc. etc.

    Surgery is THE TIME for using opiate pain relievers--nothing short of them will do, plain & simple. So get that joint fixed as soon as you can, then let them give you what you need (which will probably be more than if you hadn't needed and been on the meds to handle this pre-surgical pain, same as i did cuz i tried to put off surgery, but BE HONEST about your level of pain, even if that factors in what you're already used too, don't feel guilty about that--that's life!), THEN AND ONLY THEN, work with your doc(s) to safely, gradually ween you off those pills, while you do the requisite physical therapy to rehab your body. YOU HAVE AN AMAZING, AMAZING opportunity here, so imho, don't ever let fear stop you from doing anything to improve your life, cuz that's what i see going on here

     
    Old 01-20-2011, 03:34 PM   #60
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    Re: Second Go

    OK dude, lol, have to go and just posted another long one below (surely, u'll see), just wanted to COMMEND you on day 3, i know it, i feel it, i'm proud of you strangeeya (wonder if that chatspeak sounds the same up there as we use it down here, but think by now you gots me) talk to ya soon

     
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