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    Old 01-20-2011, 08:55 PM   #61
    emsmom
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    Re: Second Go

    Wow Second Go, day three?!? That is great! The fact that you went out for coffee on day two just boggles my mind. You should be very proud of yourself. It's great to hear that others are proud of you, but you have to be proud of yourself as well. It's a great feeling

    I'm still in Toronto - We're heading back to North Carolina on Saturday morning. We had a great trip, saw lots of friends that I've really missed, but I'm happy to be heading home. I miss my house lol. I miss the comfort of my own home.

    I'm so glad you're doing well. You ARE doing great. Not to be a downer, but you still have to be prepared for withdrawal, emotionally and physically. That way, if it does happen, you aren't thrown for a loop.

    Keep doing what you're doing, stay safe and have a great weekend!

    emsmom

     
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    Old 01-21-2011, 12:49 AM   #62
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    Re: Second Go

    good stuff, trips always give you a different perspective on life huh?!

    its 11:30 pm day 3. It is a great feeling, and yes i am proud of myself, im a very giving person, so i try not to neglect myself...yea i gave myself a pat on the back haha.

    I havnt even really needed anything to help me sleep...i mean last night i smoked a lot of weed w a friend, then when he left i fell asleep sitting up on my fouton, in front of my laptop, w my head on my chest. I was mad cause I was half hour late for work, and didnt get to wake up, walk around for a while, ease into the morning, take my vitamins, etc.. i was rushed, but didnt have any aches at that point

    I do agree day 4 and 5 are coming, thats when my body started to protest, the last time i detoxed. was very lethargic (nod to ravensgirl lol). and yea my depression kicked in, and i became very emotional, as well as just plain BORED. I was bored of everyday things, until a week later, I started to come around, and smell things better, and my mood improved (l-tyrosine and vit d, and vit b6 helped for that) so ive stocked up.

    Only this time i know what to expect, last time I was going at it for the first time, having read countless horror stories on the net from people who were detoxing also. But what I found is that it wasnt much worse that a common flu, and we get the flu when we are 6...c'mon!!!! only diff like i said is the depression. my mood goes just under my 'normal' level, some people go into really dark depression, and I suggest they seek counciling for it.

    The part i struggle with now also, is I 'miss' the drugs. Some of you may know what i mean...its like your routine is out of wack, and it causes some anxiety. (a parallel would be the 'hoarders', when their routine and comfort level is disrupted, they get very anxious, and even have anxiety attacks).

    I am able to calm myself down, listen to music, or force myself to hang with a friend for coffee, which is sooo hard cause I just want to sit in my sorrows and feel sorry for myself sometimes. again I know its all in the mind and in my body chemistry, so I try not to let it paralyze me.

    But to me the hard part is over: the deciding to go for it, then put it into action, refrain from dosing, and starting to re-train myself how to live. while still going to work and acting as though everything is normal (I cant take time off my work, but I have 3 days of in a row every week).

    Day 4 is around the corner. Like someone said just take it a day at a time or you will overwhelm yourself! So my focus is waking up on Friday, having my vitamins/st johns wort tea/gatorade, and go from there. My boss has been in better spirits, so that is less stress on me. HOWEVER, an ex girlfrind messaged me on ********, and cause all kinds of ruckus with my current gf!!aghh I had to deal with that all day today, and it wasnt fun. Basically the girl wrote "why you call me so early for?" and my gf saw the message in ******** chat (cause I was passed out sitting on my fouton like a dummy!!!!)

    But I never called her; im assuming she was drunk, as it was 4 in the morning, and was just trying to start trouble, or actually thought I called and it was someone else. anyways I had to convince my gf (over the phone at work) that I didnt call, I was sleeping sitting up the whole time, and I am confused about the whole thing! She stayed mad telling me to "call the girl, and tell her to never call me again or contact me". well, I dont do that kind of thing, and I can handle my own business in a way that doesnt cause any further drama...i dont like drama! But my gf is in better space now, i told her that I dont cheat when I have a gf and she has nothin to worry about. She despises the girl, and I understand that, but Ill go about it in a tactful way.

    yep not tired yet, i hope i can get to bed tonight and have a normal sleep. gonna read some threads and go to bed...gnite ppl! day 4 Bring it!!!

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 06:49 AM   #63
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    Re: Second Go

    You're doin' it man, you're doing it! Ride that positive thinking and determination as far as you can, just like you told me (thank you again), and hopefully, since you've been through it before and know what surely will come in the days to follow, hopefully you can remember all the little steps of progress that come each day. In my journey through this, as you know I"ve said, it isn't simply a linear process. There are days I feel like it's really kicked, days I get some of the symptoms and not many others, and of course, those days I get em all back with a vengeance. But thanks to what I've learned & been able to express here (and your help and support when I do that), I just tell myself "this, too, shall pass."

    Remember when I said at the very beginning of my posting here that I finally got that mantra, "one day at a time, one hour at a time, and if need be, one minute at a time?" I am thankful the "one minute and one hour at a time" periods don't really happen too much anymore, or I can't remember that lately, which I guess does mean it isn't happening much anymore lol. I do remember when it literally was one minute at a time--what a bummer to be fixated on a clock, literally minute to minute. But better than going back to what I was doing before. And I think the vits, mins, and now being able to eat food more regularly and keep it there, well, it's been almost 2 weeks doing that every day, and I think that's finally something I'm feeling.

    You KNOW this process; you KNOW this HELL. I truly believe you of all people, having done this before, do remember that so well, and of course know all of what I'm rambling here, and you WILL make it through this too, hopefully for both of us, for good this time!

    So before I make this even longer, HAVE A GREAT DAY, take a min to smile over all the easier humps you get over and moments that could & have been worse but at that moment are not, and as you tell me, KEEP FIGHTING. So proud of you, thankful to ya, and look forward to your next post

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 08:32 AM   #64
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    Re: Second Go

    Second Go,

    Welcome to Day four...

    I hope you are feeling ok today and the withdrawals aren't too bad. You really have a good head on your shoulders.

    Keep posting, read other peoples' posts as well. That will help you tremendously. Being educated will help with your recovery. Try not to focus on just your thread here. It's important to get perspective from many addicts.

    When I was in rehab, I learned something that still stays with me today...

    15% of recovery is detoxing and getting off your drug of choice (wow, that was the easy part?!?). 85% is staying off the drug and working on your recovery (um...really?!?). It takes ALOT of work to stay clean. It is very easy to relapse, and can happen in a matter of seconds. It's important to be vigilant and never assume you won't touch your drug of choice ever again. I made that mistake. I said I was done, and felt fine so I didn't bother with NA or seeing a doctor. I didn't talk about my feelings, so when I started thinking I could have "just one" oxy, it spiraled into a full-blown relapse - I was hooked again. In a matter of weeks, I was taking very high doses of Oxycontin...all over again. I was so disappointed in myself.

    Anytime you need to blow off steam and talk about cravings or thoughts of using, utilize this board and post a thread.

    We are heading home tomorrow morning so I may not be around until Sunday. I hope you have a great weekend.

    Stay strong, think positive, and always be honest with yourself.

    Regards,
    emsmom

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 12:04 PM   #65
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    Re: Second Go

    great words, and yes trust me, one hour of my morning is usually alotted to reading the other threads on this forum; i have gotten great advice/ideas directly and indirectly.

    And yes, following through with post-detox therapy or self-monitoring is key. I did the just 'one oxy' thing and also wound up addicted again, hence my second go.

    It is not easy, we all have triggers and things that remind us of the drug, etc.

    And part of the reason I started my thread was to put some pressure on myself. I refuse to lie on a message board that is generally anonymous. That would not prove anything. So keeping my journal transparent, and making goals, I felt that if I dont do it, I will have people on here judging that, and I didnt want that. So it was kind of a tool to keep me in line.

    its 11 am day 4, im a bit achy, and my mood is 'under the weather'. This is the stage I remember not liking at all. And im at work, so I cant hang with friends and process my progress with them. I think im going to take a couple tylenol (although I HATE them cause i was on percs for a year back a couple years ago and the acetaminophen does damage to the liver, but my aches are 'all over' legs, lower back, back. and its my body screaning 'wheres the morphine?!"... Well body, your gonna be fightin with me for a couple weeks, cause i wont cave in and give u what you want. ill give u what u neeeeeeeeed! speakin of which, its time for an omega 3, vit d, st johns wort tea again, and maybe that tylenol, might try to hold off on that.

    So far its one-day-at-a-time!... or even hor by hour! cheers, and thanx to those who have been here for me!!!! back to wrk..talk tonight

    Last edited by second go; 01-21-2011 at 12:05 PM.

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 12:33 PM   #66
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    Re: Second Go

    we're here for each other, and you've helped me AT LEAST as much in keeping your "public journal" as anything else. not sure i'd have made it this far in my journey were it not for these particular threads, these words of understanding and support. i'd have wanted it as much, just not sure of the success w/o being able to come here, read, write, experience, and remember/remind myself as needed of it. i did sooooo much tylenol at one point trying to relieve the pain when i was outta percs, then just felt sick to my stomach, not to mention the risk to my liver, so i hear ya! so we just keep putting one foot in front of the other, each of us on our paths, and i have faith (actually my middle name, but that's all i'll say lol) we'll stay here on this road, where we need and want to be

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 06:54 PM   #67
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    Re: Second Go

    Hey Second,

    Like you were saying earlier, biz just didn't allow me to give full consideration of all that had been posted. In reading your current vs. ex gf "cage match" lol, I just wanna commend you on handling it as you did! Just so you know, guys can be absolutely the same way! Even all the drama!!! You need to take care of you now, and it sounds by all you've posted that you have a top-notch gf who, even if she's never gone through what we're going through, understands and loves you enough to still be there loving & supporting you. I juggle that line abit myself, since there's always guys around and all, and I know all the rules, and I'm nowhere near ready to be serious about anything but staying off opiates right now. I do the whitty banter thing, with those who've been around for awhile (NOT the serious ex bf though!), but right now at least, not going further. Gotta take care of me.

    I think, at least for those of us who have people around of that sort of temptation (didn't know how to say same or different sex at same time so as not to offend anyone else reading this, but you hear me dude lol), that's prob one of the hardest issues to tackle. Easy to fall into bad routines, use someone else instead of someTHING else. NOT AT ALL saying that's you and your girl--think that's the line i have to walk. can be too easy to end up using again, just using a person instead of a chemical. So when I read what you wrote, and thought of some of the texts & calls I get, helped me stop and remember all of this, thus, I'm sharing it here, in our open mess 'o success lol. But all said, mega gratz on today, and here we go into tomorrow, one foot still firmly planted & moving directly in front of the other

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 07:37 PM   #68
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    Re: Second Go

    yea, my gf is great...all of the ex/ ********/drama has been cleaned up, and were moving forward not thinking about her.

    its day 4 7:30 pm, im at work still, and ive busy to keep my mind off of the aches and pains i should be feeling. but i am feeling minimal pain. Im assuming that morphine was not as strong on my system as oxys were in the past. and codeine I dont think ill feel much withdrawal from that. I am going to be prepared for what tommorrow might bring, I think ill feel the aches in the morning. Stretches help me a bit, and I have to pace around my house for about 20 minutes before Im ready to go to work.

    Its a mind game now, and im using all of my energy towards making it a soft landing, rather than an erratic emotional, turbulent, crash landing.

    I still get a rush from the fact im detoxing, so that gives me a 'push' too.

    im starting to feel the 'what do i do now with my life' stage...its kinda confusing and depressing, like i lost a friend (the pills were there when i needed them).

    Heres the question now... for us who are getting off the drugs. what can we dio if we fell the urge, or get triggered and want to use? what do you guys think? Maybe we can make a 'temptation' thread where we can put all of that energy into.... just a thought. Ill start it up, and anytime someone feels that they are wanting to relapse or use, we can process it in there.

    im done work now and am gonna be up reading threads for a bit.....cheers! Day 5 BRING IT!!!!!

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 08:04 PM   #69
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    Re: Second Go

    ok, first rule of the new topic thread (or strain, if we leave it on this thread) is not IF we will crave, but WHEN. you and i, and everyone else who reads this know(s) we WILL crave again. triggers are all around--from a great ****** music/art scene with friends to a really f'ing bad day with work, a friend, or a gf/bf. so to your question...what do we do WHEN that happens. I don't have an answer. I'm the newbie, remember? lol

    What I DO KNOW is this...NEVER FORGET THE HELL OF DETOX...cuz the minute I forget that is the very second in time I truly believe I open myself up to the mindgames we've been playing to feed this habit we have. As you said, it's in the mind now--so i HONESTLY believe if we put as much energy into saying "NO" to the short-term benefit, we're saying "yes" to the long-term benefit, which I think we agree (obviously) is so much more worth it. And by the way Second, another thank you from me--been ages since I opened up my iTunes and just let it roll on stuff for hours. I'm a music junkie, all kinds of ****, prob too eclectic for most, but hey, only matters what I like, right? But it's helping, on a Friday night where I'd normally be working a room (u know my meaninings) and going home still in crapland. So for this moment, this one, single moment, I can say I'm pretty f'ing good. Hope it's a great, low/no-stress day for you at work, and look forward to what you have next to say...take care

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 08:31 PM   #70
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    Re: Second Go

    you are right about the inevitable cravings/triggers......music is my life as well! ever since i was an eight year old and the girls in the neighborhood asked who had a radio, and i went upstairs and got my 'bed side lullaby player". they all laughed, but next week i got a tape recorder, and I was the 'Man'.

    ive been a dj ever since.

    and I started the thread titled "tempatations/relapse"or something to that effect. Lets use it ppl!

    im gon listen to some tunes now too...

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 08:35 PM   #71
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    Re: Second Go

    lol, the little MAN, as i became, being the cutie tomboy who knew so much music & sports the guys where dumbfounded...prob part of how we each managed to get so deep as we are now...but also talents we can use well in a good way in our lives once this demon is off our backs. ok, you asked nicely lmao, so i'll find and use the new thread. nice to know a 'friend" in my sit is chillin' out to the tunes right now as i am...NEVER a bad thing imho!!!

     
    Old 01-21-2011, 11:59 PM   #72
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    Re: Second Go

    I hate triggers. i was doing so good today. I took a whole roxy (was only going to take half) at 330am when something woke me up some noice i don't remember, then i slept until 11am, got up and took a ritilin 10mg instant. well i didn't even crave a roxy for a while. I started hurting in my knees and neck and took half of one at 330pm. that is 12 whole hours without one. then i took half of one at 3pm cause i know the speed wears off in 4 hours and when i got home i ended up taking at least 3 whole roxys between 8pm and now! i am so mad at myself. i have never been addicted to anything and can't figure out why i am having an emotional withdrawl as well as physical!

    Going to start over in the am. and forget today happened!

     
    Old 01-22-2011, 01:06 AM   #73
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    Re: Second Go

    oxygirl. youre wondering why your having emorional and physical withdrwals cause thats what these drugs do. point blank period, its not you, its the drug acting on your body, overiding any logic you may be wanting to use.

    oxys were also my first addiction last year, and i am 35!.. its a wierd feling right, like youre not in control. Many can attest to that.

    I would do just that start over in the morning, but dont forget today happened, use it as fuel to make you 'want' that sobriety even more, like someone knocked you down, and you wanna get back up and kick their behind (this thing censors everything hahaha).

    Tommorrows saturday, do you work tommr? day off? can u sweat it out in the comfort of your own home?

    Ive relapsed in the past like 30 times. An addict without relapse is a liar!... but find out where you want to get to, and you'll get there.

    I didnt know how I was gonna do it the first time, and everything just fellinto place day after day, not all at once, but I was putting my focus on cleaning up, and it happened.

    Tommorrow!

     
    Old 01-22-2011, 01:20 AM   #74
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    Re: Second Go

    and ravensgirl what are say 5 songs that get you through hard times specifically w drugs, im curious. I want to hear something new!......

    me myself I listen to many forms of music, some think im a freak, ill listen to frank zappa, jay z, beatles, zion I, I cant eeven name them because its pretty much eveything under the sun ...dont even know why i started that list haha... rap, rock, classic rock, hip hop, metal, electro dubstep, reggae, dancehall, indy...EVERYTHING!

    I said it in a post a while back that theres a song out now called "glass mountain trust" by Mark Ronson and D'angelo, that is my detox theme. I dont quite get the lyrics, (which I like) and mark ronson is the musical mind behind Amy whinehouses albums (immaculate production), and Nikki Costas 'everybodys got their something', and lily allen 'oh my god'...

    hes an amazing producer and d'angelo is genius as well! Again for Mark Ronson check Amys 'back in black' and 'know im no good'!!!! if your not familiar, and then check 'glass mountain trust'...its a powerful one! (d'angelo has been battling drug abuse for some time as well)

    --> Cee lo - 'bright lights bigger city'..I heard his new album is Amazing,,,gonna d/l it now

    -->pretty lights 'still night" is a gem...anything by pretty lights actually! but check that one

    -->wiz khalifa "mezmorized"

    and surprisingly Eminem (usually dislike him) but his album 'Recovery' helped me tons through my first detox!!!! immensely! I recommend it!

    i love sharing music!....lemme know what you think! I could go on forever lierally. my Itunes is at 54 050 songs....not that anyones counting haha

    Last edited by second go; 01-22-2011 at 01:54 AM.

     
    Old 01-22-2011, 08:09 AM   #75
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    Re: Second Go

    To Oxy Girl first--EVERYTHING SECOND JUST SAID IN REPLY TO YOU IS TRUE IMHO! Truest of them all--an addict who claims to have never relapsed. It just goes with the territory. That's why I was saying last night, "it's not a matter of IF you crave, but WHEN," cuz cravings ARE going to hit all of us, and do. I tried so many solo detoxes before this attempt I'm on now--tried every way I could think of to ween down, spread 'em thin, etc. For me, there was ALWAYS a huge mega dose waiting at the end of those attempts lol. The other most true thing Second said was that it ISN'T YOU GIRL! Opiates are a very unique drug, in all their forms. Without you even knowing it, while taking the opiates for your pain over however long's it's been for you, they started taking over production of some of your brain's neurotransmitters--they are now the CEO of those, deciding what, if anything, gets produced in your noggin and distributed through your body, AND in what amounts & for how long.

    That's why this isn't a linear process for any of us. We didn't always use the same amount of the same things each and every day. And now, in withdrawal, we don't just walk this line where everyday we feel exactly the same things in our bodies & minds. That also means each day as you go may not be incrementally better than the one before it. Yesterday, you might have had no aches, no pains, no cravings. But today, you might be looking at the clock LITERALLY minute by minute, just waiting till you think it's safe to take that next dose of whatever it is.

    YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT! AND ALL YOU NEED NOW IS THE RESOLVE TO START BACK ON THE PATH YOU'VE BEEN WORKING AT BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

    Now, to Mr. "pseudo," Second Go, my friend, we would have a whole new thread on music (hey, maybe that might not be such a bad idea at some point, but for right now, not sure I can spread myself that thin). I love, have much of, and yes, obviously recognized almost all of what you listed I have soooo much more than any non-Bil Gates hard drive could hold, so I have cases and cases of disks I've burned of stuff, not to mention the stuff I had in its original medium before the digital world hit big lol, well, I was all over the map last night. And, to boot, I'm a gen X'er like you, so we were blessed to grow up at a time where so much old and new was being exposed to us, think that's where some of my diverse enjoyment comes from. Last night I was hand picking songs that were inspirational in my recovery (found a neat parallel for myself too, but again, that's another issue for another day). I'll figure out a top 5 for you later after i get a replacement battery for this wireless mouse of mine that's screaming for it lol, but for now, I will say that there were 2 songs by the same artist that I found very helpful last night, not to mention I adore this artist and what she stands for (my apologies in advance if you hate her lol)--PINK (Alicia Moore). The first is "Who Knew," which she wrote regarding her battle with drugs and road to sobriety. The other was "F'ing Perfect), the newest of her's I've yet to hear, which I suspect she may have written to the child she's carrying now (funny, if they use her real last name and her hubby/baby's father's last name too, it would be ____ Moore Hart). KK, be back in a bit.

     
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