HealthBoards (
-   Addiction & Recovery (
-   -   Emotional Ride (

opiatesgotme 03-25-2011 10:27 AM

Emotional Ride
Today is my 23 day without my magic pill. I have been using oxycodone for about 2 years now. for the past year I was using between 300mg - 500mg daily and at the end I wanted more. I could see that I was on a downhill spiral and the only place I was going was Heroin. That scared that hell out of me bc I had grown up with a Heroin addict as a parent and had spent the better part of my life trying to avoid her mistakes. I realized I had fallin into the same addiction she had and I knew where it took her/ US when she was using. But I was sick, in pain and life just didn't seem worth living. but my attempts to OD had failed and I was too scared to do anything else. I wanted to get clean but it seemed so out of reach. I spent most of my time isolated for about a week. Getting high and thinking. Thinking constantly. The high wasn't taking away the thoughts of life in the hell of my addiction. It wasn't taking away the emotional pain and making me feel numb anymore. The magic pill wasn't working. I had to make a choice. It was life or death. It was real and intense. I made the choice to try to get clean. I did my last pill on 3/2/11 and woke up the next day dope sick and wanting to get high BUT I gave my ATM, ID and money to my partner and sent her off to work. I was determined to get clean and not feel this way anymore. That morning I started making calls to detox facilities in the area. I was going to go whereever had a bed available. I suffered in pain all day and went to detox that night around 7pm. I was sick, broken and miserable. All I wanted was some type of relief from the pain and I thought that as soon as I got to detox they would give me something for the withdrawals. They didn't. I didn't see a doctor until 3pm the next day. I had been through almost 2 days of withdrawals. Sweats, shakes, pain everywhere, cramps everywhere, puking, shitting, freezing. I had goose bumps in places I never thought they exsisted. NOW I get to see a doctor. I was ******. NOW this ***** wants to give me something to help the pain. I felt as though I had gone through the worst and dealt with it and that it could only get better but NOW he wants to give me suboxin. The anger fueled a discussion that I don't think that doctor will forget. I went in to meet with the treatment team, I was still shaking, had the goose bumps everywhere and was still in a great deal of pain from withdrawing. The doctor says " given the amount of opiates you were using we are starting you on suboxin and you will probably be on this for a year or so" To his surprise I told him I did not want the suboxin and I wanted to do this on my own. Not substituting one drug for another. I was not going to get on a drug that I would have to stay on for a year so that I could stop using another drug. To me it didn't make sense and I was feeling the withdrawals already and I was dealing with them as bad as they were. I was getting through it without the suboxin and I was determined to do it without another drug. The doctor was surprised and told me I had to stay at the facility for one more night so he could be sure I was physically ok. I agreed to that and was kinda happy he said that. I knew I was strong but the pain was deep and I knew I couldnt get high at the facility so it was a safe place for the night. The next day I felt a little better. Still pain and no sleep but my mind was getting clearer and that felt good. I got picked up around 3pm and went to an NA meeting that night. The next week was not so bad. Dealing with the physical withdrawals helped me avoid the mental and emotional aspect. So it was fairly easy to stay clean. I slept a couple days and that felt great. I was proud of myself. Seems like once I got past the physical stuff it got much harder. Feeling physically great made me start to think of everything. I mean everything. I hadn't clearly thought about anything in 2 years. I have feelings and emotions that have been building up for years bc even when the opiates weren't a factor I was still an addict. I never wanted to deal with feeling. I hate feeling. I love the numb nothingness of using. So I have years of feelings that I have built up inside that I am dealing with now. It's crazy bc even good feeling are hard to deal with. every feeling is so intense. I want to want life. I want to want to feel again but I dont know how and I am not enjoying this ride I am on right now. How do a start to enjoy the feelings or at least deal with them?

second go 03-25-2011 11:19 AM

Re: Emotional Ride
Hi Opiatesgotme... im 'Second Go' (came on the board when i was trying to quit a second time--- 71 days clean now) ...I was where you are about 1 year ago... cold turkey detoxed from oxys, and yeah its definitely emotional...(congrats on your 23 days! btw) but yeah...yelling at ur partner, friends, or kids, then apologizing, getting emotional and yes, even crying over thoughts, they can be positive or negative thoughts, its just that everything is so amplified because our senses are beginning to work again, so they seem to be working in overdrive. you might be walking driving somewhwere and burst out in tears thinking of the wasted time, and people uve hurt, then seconds later be alright, or angry with something else.

'Emotional ride' is right ...i called mine a 'rollercoaster' i would say i went through that stage for about a month, then with vitamin supplements (very important because our diet used to be pills, we gotta replace our nutrients) and excercise (heart and muscles arent working as hard when we're laid out chillin on pills) it starts to get better.

my mistake was relapsing for a short period of time (6 months) then cleaning up again...very hard.. be careful, and refrain (you sound like your definitely done with them tho so good on ya). And that takes strength not to take the suboxone (i know i would have went for it, but i didnt want to see any doctors)

nuff bout me...just trying to relate on a level... you sound like you know what you want, youre focused on staying clean thats key!... we're starting to get a strong team goin here!!, lotta really cool and strong people to talk to, I always say to people 'you found the right board' when they sign up, cause you did. Were all on a similar path, and we know more than say our 'friends' or 'family' knows...frustrating talking with someone who hasnt been through our struggles sometimes hey? theyre like 'just quit whats your problem...sulking to yourself all the time'. uhhhh it doesnt work like that! haha.

welcome and keep posting, there are a lot of new people on here, Im relatively new too, joined in January, but feels like i been on a long journey since. But i couldnt have quit without the help of this board. I'd send shoutouts but then id miss someone....all of them will reply anyways so, shout out to 'them' haha. stay strong and keep posting... I had 17 or so pages of journaling before i finally quit, so talking and talking and talking is encouraged here!!!!!!!

Biggzzz 03-25-2011 11:43 AM

Re: Emotional Ride
Yep, welcome to the boards Opiatesgotme... what's up secondgo? lol you got to her first again, saving me lot's of typing! lol

You and I were taking the same amount and sound exactlyyyyyyy alike. We are both also clean for relatively the same time, about 18 or so days for me... but each day I feel better and better I can't begin to explain how much emotions have flooded my head both good and bad and still do every day.

You seem very determined and strong you can do this. It's actually scary how similar our stories are... I have become friendly with some of the people you will be hearing from on here and they are the ones who got me through what I am going through and still are today. These boards have helped me tremendously just speaking with these people and knowing I am not alone helped... not to mention the fact it keeps me occupied in my down time and keeps my mind from wandering. We all have very long threads on these boards of our own personal stories and journeys getting through the addiction.

I suggest reading through some, they hold a wealth of information that would be helpful and useful to you and it will keep you occupied =) just keep talking with us and stay strong.


second go 03-25-2011 11:54 AM

Re: Emotional Ride
no doubt whatup Biggzzz,! and called it 'Magic pill' funny cause so did I, and it is soooooo not a magic pill hahahah

Biggzzz 03-25-2011 11:59 AM

Re: Emotional Ride
haha... Actually trying to keep myself from eating I don't want to get fatttt and the past few days all I do is EAT! so now I'm doubling my workout routine... lifting an hour and a half more which is good anyway.

I think we've all called them "magic pills" I also called mine "blueberrys" cause my roxi 30's were blue. ughhh I hate even talking about it now that's how different I feel!

opiatesgotme 03-25-2011 12:02 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
[QUOTE=second go;4715245]no doubt whatup Biggzzz,! and called it 'Magic pill' funny cause so did I, and it is soooooo not a magic pill hahahah[/QUOTE]

Thanks to both of you for your posts. They are refreshing. It helps to know that I am not the only one going through this and that I'm not crazy. Funny thing is I always thought the clean me was a bit crazy. Mainly bc I hate feelings. BUT the true definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That is my addiction. CRAZY.

Now I feel clear headed and it is aweful bc all I am doing is feeling. And again I hate feeling. I am miserable but I know that the "magic pill" is no longer magical for me. It doesn't work anymore and it only brings me suffering.

Biggzzz 03-25-2011 12:06 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
well, like I said we sound very much alike, I hate "feelings" my ex fiancee and previous women in my life even family say I am cold at times, distant and don't care about ANYTHING... is it possible that YOU like I have underlying issues like anxiety/depression? I may even be bi-polar it runs on my dads side of the fam and HE is MANIC.

opiatesgotme 03-25-2011 12:14 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
[QUOTE=Biggzzz;4715259]well, like I said we sound very much alike, I hate "feelings" my ex fiancee and previous women in my life even family say I am cold at times, distant and don't care about ANYTHING... is it possible that YOU like I have underlying issues like anxiety/depression? I may even be bi-polar it runs on my dads side of the fam and HE is MANIC.[/QUOTE]

It is absolutely possible that I have anxiety/ depression but I am not willing to let someone diagnos me until I am through this emotional roller coaster. I know the way I feel now is directly related to my drug addiction. So I am hoping that these overwhelming feelings will get easier over time and I will see that I am not depressed or anxious I am an addict and if I deal with my addiction and begin to recover from my disease I will feel better.

You guys rock! Loving the feedback. It is true that my family and friends don't get this addiction. It is so awesome to hear from people who do get it. Thank you so much...

musicman3 03-25-2011 12:48 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
I am with you opiates! I am tapering down off a less amount of oxycodone than you were on. I am aiming for Tuesday for stopping. I will have time off from work then and I can not affford to be sick and in withdrawals when I have to go back to work. So I will be tapering till Tuesday and then I will stop. If you have seen my past posts, I am having major issues with stopping and days 1 and 2 this time around. If I can get over the hump of a few days clean, I start to feel better.

What I am here to say is that I also have major depression and anxiety and I beleive it is tied to the opiates. I refuse to go on any meds until I am completely clean and can assess how I feel then. Everytime I have been opiate free I have always felt better so I do not want to add any more chemicals to my brain. I can not wait till I have 23 days clean again like you. You are doing great. I know we are all different, but if I can add any hope, I have ALWAYS thrived after being opiate free for a while. That depression and anxiety I have always went away. So please keep hanging on and allow yourself to feel. I have done alot of different things this time in order to aid in my recovery when the day comes. I have cut out all other drugs, even though I have never had an addiction to what I was taking. I have started on a multi vitamin regime for the past week. I am adding fluids and I am making sure I am eating better. I will start light exercise tommorow. I am hoping this will ease the withdrawal symptoms next week when I bite the bullet.

Keep fighting!!

opiatesgotme 03-25-2011 01:06 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
Musicman thank you for the feedback. It's priceless... Good luck with the stop date. If I can do it anyone can bc beleive me I was in a very dark place but somehow I got the strength to crimb out. Now I am struggling with the reality of life. I haven't really felt reality in a very long time and after all i've done in my active using my reality is not exactly what I planned or wanted. I have a lot to fix now but dealing with all this emotional BS has to come first. Again thank you so much. This board kind of saved my day today.

second go 03-25-2011 02:24 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
yeah musicman...time it with your days off, cause it will feel like the flu, but its sooooo doable. and ive been on and off depressed lately, directly related to the pills, and im 2 months clean...its just a mind game guys ...

opiatesgotme 03-25-2011 05:50 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
Hey Second, What about drug dreams? Are you having them? When do they stop? It's crazy bc I never get high in my dreams. I always wake up right befor it happens but I am having them constantly through out the night in like 30 min incremants and I am getting little to no good sleep. The dreams are about the chase. The urgency. The relief of getting it and then I wake up. Thanking my lucky stars it wasn't real. Any wisdom on this one? Thanks

Biggzzz 03-25-2011 06:38 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
wow so weird you said that!!! I just was telling oxygirl and secondgo about the same dreams on my thread!!! and that's what I said, I remember getting them, taking them then I woke up but don't remember the high!

musicman3 03-25-2011 06:49 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
Thanks Second. I will be posting. This is not my first time at the rodeo. I just need to get to day 3 and I start to heal. The biggest issues I have with withdrawals are the anxiety, the restlessness, and the worst... the insomnia. This is brutal to me. Once I fall asleep, I wake up wth intense adrenaline rushes with terror. I hate it. I will use the ambien for that. Physically, I can deal with being sick and running back and forth to the toity but the no sleep and the feeling the clock is moving backwards is awful to me.

I do not get drug dreams like many of you do, but I know that is a common thing. I just have bizzarre snippets of unreality when I sleep for the 5 or so minutes that I do. As I said, I am preparing my body for this and I just hope it will help somewhat.

The one thing I am totally against is counting days. That sets one up for failure. If you should relapse, you have it in your head that you have to start all over and that makes it much worse. One time I had to have some minor surgery that required pain meds. I had been clean for awhile and I took them dilligently an resposnibly. I did not feel I failed and once I was done, I carried on.

I am also lucky I do not get tempted. I do not recommend this but when I was clean for 6 months back in 2007, I had a whole bottle of percocet in my drawer. I never thought once of taking them. Yes I threw them out, but I did not. I had oral surgery during that period and refused all pain meds. I made do just fine with Ibuproen, and never once thought of taking the percocet.

Biggzzz 03-25-2011 07:05 PM

Re: Emotional Ride
Yep those symptoms are what was worst for me and after day 3 they start to let up we both have done this numerous times, so atleast you know what to expect and preparing before hand this time will help. Like I had said to you on my thread at one point music IF you can, go buy from GNC if you have one around a total body detox kit I believe that was a huge help in my withdrawal symptoms because it flushed my system quicker it made the withdrawals far less intense and shortened the time. I also started taking multi vitamins a few days before.

You know you can do it and have in the past, this time just try to make it a permanent thing. I am not preaching because I have relapsed many times too but this time is VERY different for me. so I hope that it's also different for you.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:54 AM.