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Running scared?!?!?!

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Old 04-02-2011, 12:40 AM   #1
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Running scared?!?!?!

Ok so heres the 411......I have had an addiction to opiates and methadone ....oh just some bad stuff....I have 2 Spinal Cord Stimulators to control pain ( was put on opiate therapy to control pain, but opiates abused me and i abused them...i loved them more than i loved myself, i lost my way somewhere along that long 4 was like being married to an absuer)and I have been somewhat clean since dec 2010 with one relaspe and i dont want to go back unless i am dying and its for real!

ok my fear is...what if?!?!?! just saying...the stimulators fail/ and i have to go back there? to that place where I once died? Ugh! so scared of this aint no sucks big hairy bull gonads....frick!!!!!

Oxygirl!?!?!?!?! how do you do it? just take a little? its like having only ONE orgasum...i want more and more and potatoe chips...CANT JUST HAVE ONE!

As long as i dont admit defeat...RSD WILL NOT TAKE ME...BRING IT ON BABY!!!!!...Cuz I am large and charge and looking for Happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAIN OR NO PAIN

Wish my heart is slowly breaking

..a la mode.....lonely little ******

I'd rather you HATE me for I am, than LOVE me who Im NOT!

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Old 04-02-2011, 06:32 AM   #2
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Re: Running scared?!?!?!

It is hard Kim but I have to just walk away or be swept away one. I still am not doing that great with the taper. I have only managed to take 3 instead of 4 pills a day and it is still alot I think because I so look forward to them and it makes me sick. Plus they are 30mg each (roxicodones) so I feel like 90 mg of roxicodone is as bad as a person taking 9 percocet 10s because it is the same ingredient. That is why when u told me u took all of those 5s I figured i probably would do the same. It is like giving a man dying of thirst a teaspoon of water! I hate it too. Sometimes if I am hurting real bad it is like a double whammy. Like making a deal with the devil. I stay depressed because I feel like I am a slave to the drug. I took one yesterday about 1pm and then fell asleep at 5pm until 4am. When I woke up my body was screaming! My nose started to run, my eyes started to run and my muscles hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die! I don't want to live like this. I think I can manage my pain without opiates. I didn't used to think so but when your body is craving a pill more than the pain is needing one then there is obviously a problem.

Kim I worry about you because your pain is so much more intense. I hope the stimulators work for you. If you had success in the past with them it should be okay. My mother had one that was horrible because her leads kepts slipping out of place and she kept getting shocked just like she put her finger in a socket! Her spine is crooked and they should never have put one in her in the first place. She had it removed but still complains about it. Have you ever heard of anyone having trouble afterwards?

Your situation is different because you did have success with them. Just try to hang in there. I know it is hard. At least you are clean of opiates. I wish I could say the same. I just am going to have to keep working on it. I can't believe that I woke up like that this morning. I was fine after I took a pill. I went ahead and took a whole one because I was in such bad shape. I have been taking 3 pills a day but cutting them in half and taking them every 4 hours. I tried to taper further but it was hard. What in the world can I do? I have a son I have to homeschool and I can't just go c/t right now. How did you do it? was it c/t? I need to find someone who was real addicted that tapered and had success. I know some of it is in my head but trust me this morning was not in my head.

So I really aint doing to great with just taking one here and one there. I guess that was a stupid suggestion on my part but I know how bad you truly hurt. It sucks that's for sure!

Old 04-02-2011, 06:59 AM   #3
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Re: Running scared?!?!?!

Hey oxygirl, I know where you are coming from! I know where you both are coming from. It is awful to have legitimate pain issues but yet have addiction issues to the very pills that could give you relief. I too have RSD as well as dislocation and torn labrum problems with my shoulder, and as of right now I am taking Percocet for the pain. I try to watch what I take, and I also get Ultram online so I can use that for a buffer if need be as well. I have to go to a PM doctor at some point but can't yet because I don't have the money for it since I am paying 100% out of pocket. I am praying for my boss to okay hiring me full time so I can have insurance so I can go to the PM doc and get shoulder surgery if I happen to need it.

The only thing that got me off the pills the first time was the US Marine Corps. I was so deep and so bad with the pills at this point that I am shocked that I was ever able to get clean, let alone do it on my own like I did. It was something I had wanted so bad, to join the Corps, since I was eight years old. I don't think they would accept me again due to my injuries, so what do I do now? My next goal is getting into medical school so maybe that's what I have to use...

It's so tough to battle this. I just wanted to share and let you know that you are not alone. I am always around if you need help and support!

Old 04-10-2011, 06:51 AM   #4
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Re: Running scared?!?!?!

Hi oxygirl,
My reply is a lil late....oh girl....I didn't taper...I quit are right oxy's suck the life out of you...I got into a cycle of love and hate with them......I loved to abuse them and return they abused me or is it the other way around.....ok just a quick history on me..
I stated out small but when I finished this is what I was using in month :
30 mg roxicodonce 8 times a daily ( but jude it up in 15 days or less then on the streets I would go and who knows the dose and yes I did up my nose...
Then all at the same time I was takeing not abusing....110 mg methadone daily, 4 somas ( pcp based muscle relaxers?) Lunesta and baclophen.......I was a pit of pills.......

You know I never wanted methadone...I think it sux but roxi and oxy's........keep me away, cuz bottom line I like it no I love it, but I've gone too far to turn back now...yes my pain is bad and there are times I cry alone.....but I rather cry than die...I love my kids....I now am going to they a seperation or divorce ..he said the papers will be in my hands on Wednesday.....I say bring it on....if RSD and opiates can't kill can't either.......this whole time I have not wanted to is weird I know I loved them and I know I would get weak if I saw a blue pill ( im like a sleath bomber ..I can see an oxy from a mile away....and I can pick out user took....its like super senses .......

Im proud of myself and I had to go cold..I didn't have help..I waited til kids were off school and detoxed does a long time to get back to normal....the zeros was really bad for the first 15 to 20 days and it was slowly getting better by the 7 th day.....I used a some xanax ....I even thought I was over using but was not.....lunesta is a life saver to help with sleeping....I still don't sleep well...I only get 2-4 hours of good sleep at a time...if I am lucky.....

Have a good Sunday,

Old 04-10-2011, 05:19 PM   #5
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Re: Running scared?!?!?!

One more thing......the scs's...well let's just say.....what I thought was my light and hope are failing me....I need more programming some serious programming .......I think my so called IPG or as I call it my $30 k cell battery is not charging properly ........if i can't get it keep a charge without staying next to electricity they will have to replace it.......oh no! Back to the O R I go........this time no oxys for this homie .....

Thanks for knowing where I am coming from....


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