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Grantmetheseren 09-19-2012 01:32 PM

need support
I'm still weak and can't seem to start. Everyday gets worse for me.

Wendy88 09-19-2012 02:18 PM

re: need support
I know you are wanting off the hydros and are having a hard time. I can't remember but have you tried a slow taper? It may nit seem so daunting if you go slow. Like, say you take 8pills a day, maybe for the next 5-7 days try to take 7.5 pills. Then move down to 7 pulls for the next 5-7 days etc. It'll take a bit, but you will feel good cause you will have started.
Just something to think about. Trust me, I know how hard it is, for sure... But it can be done. Really. :) and even though the board has been pretty quiet lately, know that there is a lot of support here.
All the best,

Crazy Diamond 09-21-2012 08:19 PM

re: need support
Too quiet. I am going through a slow taper. I am down to 1 pill a day. 2 more days of this, then I am going to a half, then quarter, off. I was hitting it really hard a few months ago. Do I feel WD's yep, early on, but NOTHING like I did when I went CT. Anxiety is the worst of it, a little racing heart. But I can sleep at night, which I think really helps, because it does not tap my energy like the CT did. Man I felt like I was the walking dead. Taper is controlled by a loved one, so I get the pill and a lot of love and support.

So I hope you guys are fighting the good fight, I am with ya, and my thoughts as well!

Wendy88 09-21-2012 09:54 PM

re: need support
Yeah, i haven't seen the boards this quiet in a long time. It's a little strange.
Anyway- Good for you!
That sounds like a smart way to taper. I've always had to do it alone (well, this last year) and it's SO hard to control. So you are doing good. It's tough... you should feel very proud of your progress!
I hit it HARD last month too. 180 15mg Roxys gone in under two weeks (they are meant for a month). I had been doing well before...
So I went off for 17 days. It was great. But the first week off was fine and the second was really hard. Now I'm controlling my intake and taking as prescribed with the help of two close friends. I haven't abused them yet.
I got very sick with a migraine several days ago (like almost went to the hospital the pain was so bad) and I was grateful to have them, and even stopped taking them that day before I reached my daily limit (which I have decided to make one pill less than prescribed) as I realized they weren't helping my pain enough to warrant me continuing to take them.
So I'm trying. Once you get a few weeks of not taking pills under your belt.... man, the way you feel, the way you think... it's really good. It makes you fear the pills in a way cause you dont want to go back to barely living. It's actually surprising at how much they take out of you. Take away from you...
Stick with it! It's gonna keep getting better!! Keep us posted!

Grantmetheseren 09-23-2012 02:24 PM

re: need support
Wendy & Crazy Diam: Yes these boards are very quiet. Glad to hear you are both doing good so far. Everyday I keep saying I am going to start and I don't. I am currently taking 35-40 mg of Norco a day my rx is for 20 mg.... I just am weak. I hate the lethargy that comes with the wd but at this point there is no euphoria anymore and I usually feel sick after taking the meds. I feel sick either way but the wd sick is worse.
Today I bought a pill case by the week and put the pills in by day so I can keep track of how much I am taking.

I feel like I am never going to stop and am really depressed about it. I don't want to go out or see my friends. I just want to stay home. It really sucks on these beautiful days. I just keep telling people i am sick. Ugh.

Wendy88 09-23-2012 05:25 PM

re: need support
Hey GrantMe,
I did the same thing... I'd always bow out of plans and blame a migraine... Then I moved far away from most friends which only furthered my isolation. The guy I was with for years was on pills too, so we just stayed away from everyone. Then we broke up and I spent most of this year working all the time and taking pills to numb the sorrow. Although I've been abusing pools for years and years, this time it was coupled with a bad depression.
Finally I've come out of that depression and am seeing friends again. I have the energy too!
I started by making plans small- like one pal for lunch and a movie. So if I felt "off" I had the movie to hide behind as I warmed up to coming out of my shell.

You can do that too... even while you are still taking. It's really good to get out of the house and see that there is a fun time waiting for you on the otherside. It may help to give you extra strength when you see an old friend or have a good time out and realize you really want back into the world.

I keep my pills in a monthly pill divider. It does help me register what I'm taking, but it won't stop you if you want to go over your day allowance. But, if you really try to control them, it WILL help, cause it serves as a reminder. You know exactly what you are doing when you reach onto the next days supply. Times like that, it's probably best to read a book, post on the board, get a distraction going...

Like , today I want to get high so badly. It's been awhile since I really did. (well, like u, usually in the past I just take so I dont get sick - they tend just make me tired. And after my 17 days sober, that feeling isn't a welcome one. So no matter how badly I want more, I refuse to ruin what I'm trying to do. But today will be tough.

Maybe this week make just one plan with a friend? And maybe pick one day where you will take (half a pill) less and check it out. Stay there for a day or two and then try to bump down again to a whole pill or 3/4 (get a pill cutter).
You can do it! It's scary and the w/ds are not fun, but in the scheme of life, it's really only 3-4 days and then you turn a corner and do start to feel a lot better.
And please remember- You aren't weak. You are being strong by posting and stronger still by considering quitting. It's just that these things are hard to quit. But you can do it. Babysteps are fine. Just try to stand strongly in those steps.

Crazy Diamond 09-24-2012 06:05 PM

re: need support
For me, it really hit me when I was watching Netflix.

I was watching a classic, Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip. The part when he talked about his demons. I was like....that's god, I am doing the same thing, only with the pills . I am in love with these pills. My day revolved around the pill. It was like I was looking forward to it like Christmas eve, everyday. The time of day I took them, how I took them, etc.

I don't want to get to deep, but I lost a childhood friend to an opiate OD. Left a wife and two beautiful kids. And knowing this, I should have known better. But I visited his grave and I had a heart to heart. It was my time to quit. I guess it was my bottom. I won't get into the details of how bad, but it was bad, and I am not proud of it. I am thankful to be here talking to you guys. And I feel for each and every one here and the countless unknowns.

I tried to do a CT in the past, and I could not do it. So, I started a slow taper, with a loved one and my Dr. involved. It was not easy, but I got through it. A lot better than CT, imho. I am down to a half a pill. and will be clean this week. I feel like my old self again. Just without the hazy shade of winter.

One of the things I did is I filled the time that I used to revolve around the pill with different things to do, I was really diligent, and my loved one helped me.
Meetings, got out of the house, I started playing guitar again. model train building, all the hobbies I gave up to for the pill. My friends are really glad to see me. I had a lot of explaining to do as to why I blew them off, but it feels good to be around my friends again. They missed me, and I missed them.

You can do this!!!!

Grantmetheseren 09-24-2012 06:31 PM

re: need support
Thank you both so much. I was feeling really down and reading your posts help so much! These boards are priceless to me.

Crazy Diamond 09-26-2012 05:16 PM

re: need support
I can not agree with you more! I am with ya man!

Wendy88 10-04-2012 02:28 AM

re: need support
Hi guys!
Just checking in.... I havent been able to get on the board for a few days. How are you both doing?
How y'all are well!

Grantmetheseren 10-04-2012 05:45 AM

re: need support
Hi glad to hear from you. I still am stuck in a rut! Just can't seem to take the first move, always have excuses. I do good one day than revert back. Thanks for asking. How are you??

Wendy88 10-04-2012 08:28 PM

re: need support
Hi Grant me! Agh I just wrote this whole thing to you and I deleted it!
Good for u for trying. One of these times it will stick and you'll be able to go without for longer. It's not easy.
I had a two day binge a few days ago during what should have been a wedding anniversary ... I was so upset and I purposely decided to isolate myself and use.
But what stopped me from going further with it was the clarity I got when I was without pills for 17 days. I felt so good. Even my depression was so much better. When I'm on pills, it obviously gets worse. I was so scared that I'd go back into that awful headspace , that I just stopped and went back to watching my intake. I have too much to lose.

But even though that sounds good and all, I feel something building in me. I want to go party my butt off. I'm not a big drinker, but I wanna go out and tie one on. Don't know. I gotta watch it, and this party mood I can feel.
Maybe I'll post a thread.....
Sorry if I have spell g errors. I'm not gonna check cause I'm scared I'll erase this too.

Grantmetheseren 10-05-2012 06:09 AM

re: need support
Wendy I'm sorry about your recent binge, but thank you for posting your experience. The good thing is that you have been off and can do it again. That must be reassuring! I know it helps me to hear your story! It's amazing how a pill can give you such a false sense of security and happiness. I alwAys think once I swallow this pill everything will be better, ten minutes later I feel worse and think maybe I need another poll, ten minutes after that I am anxious, tired and sick!! Yet the next day I do it again! ***??? Trying to chase that highl, the pills turned on me and I keep coming back for more.... Sickening!

Wendy88 10-05-2012 05:59 PM

re: need support
Oh totally! Its such a sick cycle.
Yeah I'm back on it. I live in a very sunny place with gorgeous weather most of the year. I can't spend it indoors!
Next week is the week before I see my doctor. Ecause of my binge, there are consequences. I now get a pill a day for the week ( and then Sunday and Monday I take them cause I can get drug tested there and they need to see I'm using the drugs and not selling them). OR , I just ak aper withnwhatvi have left between today and tomorrow and then just go clean fr the week.
I like that idea more. Plus, I start acnew med tomorrow. It's like concerta but it's not exactly. Due to a neck injury, I ant take meds that constrict my blood vessels.... it's Called "provigil". So I'd rather be sober when I take it and see how it affects me anyway.
Yeah I know I can go on and off... It's good, kinda it is, like u said reassuring.
I'm determined to find a way myself to make it work so I have my pills when I need then, but whittle away taking then when I want them.
Im not working now and haven't for a bit, which also ,ales it easy for me to slip.
Once I get a job, my field is extremely demanding where u need focus, stamina and a clear head.... So as soon as I start a new job, lots of the pills will be put aside. I will never let them interfere with my career.
Hoe are u these days? What kinds of positive stuff are u up? Any thing good! Any hobbies u like?
Wishing u the best!

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