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Wendy88 01-22-2013 05:38 AM

I'm back
Hi all
I'm back to the board if you'll have me! :)

I've been doing so so. Still struggle with my roxys. I got a script for dilauded for my very severe migraines but have managed to NOT abuse them. I get no high from them whatsoever and they almost don't help with my pain.
Scary. Pill struggles out there/ chronic pain patients, this is what happens when you have a huge tolerance.... it becomes very hard to control your pain. I mean 4mg tabs of dilauded should work, and yet, I barely get relief at my most desperate moments.

Anyway- a positive step I'm going to do is ask my doctor next week to lower my over all my overall number of pills I get a month. I don't need 180 15mg roxys a month. That's what gets me in trouble. I have all the extra pills. So I'm going to ask to go down to 150 or so a month. And then when I see her 2 months later, I'll go to 120 etc until I find a level that controls my pain, but doesn't allow me to have so many to play around with. See if that works as I cannot use any other migraine meds to control my pain except narcotics, so I'll have to see if I'm able to control things once I have a smaller script... For now, im just going one step at a time.

Wish me luck! I go see the doc either end of this week or start of next. I'm nervous.
But I'm starting (again) to do lots of other positive things on a consistent basis... I hike all the time, been much more social, looking for work, dating a little... So pills have to get under control or I'll never really move forward.
Cutting down my script is the first official move I've ever made with a doctor to try and get a handle on things... (besides asking to come off morphine).
I'll keep you guys posted!
I hope everyone is well and fighting the good fight! My friends here are never far from my mind, no matter how long I am away from the board.
Good vibes!

reachout 01-22-2013 04:04 PM

Re: I'm back
Hi Wendy

It is always good to see you posting, girl. :-)

Lots of applause here for you in asking to have the number of pills per month cut down. That's a great way to take some control. In involving our doctors in any way we do, I think we begin to feel responsible to honestly follow through. I know having my doctors fully involved was a safe-guard for me in getting off the oxycodone as well as the xanax. I felt... ummm,... an obligation to them becuase I knew they were rooting for me and I did not want to let them down.

Also, getting out and about and participating more in the real world. Honestly, it makes tears well up here. Tears because I remember how hard it was to get living again. How much I wanted it and had to struggle to find it. baby steps.. that was how it came for me, in little baby steps. and here you are hiking, being social, dating a bit. All good things, Wendy.

My mantra from my doctor to me and now to you... "You are getting stronger and better everyday."

Wendy88 01-22-2013 06:08 PM

Re: I'm back
Gosh Reach, thank you so much. You made ME get teary.
Its the only way I can try to get better. I still go over my pill amount... I snort them sometimes, bad things. But I want more for me. I know I'm doing better... I use to just sit at home all the time and watch each sunny day go by. But now Im busier than ever, and I'm not even working! I see so many friends... I even told some about my addiction and I have their support.
But I know I need less on hand. I don't want to tell my doctor... she is weird and would flip. My old doctor would've been supportive. But I'm just going to tell her I have less day to day pain, which is true, and I'd like to try cutting down to my original script of 2 Sept ago... 150 a month. The dilaudid I still need but I don't abuse them so I think it's ok.

Your words mean so much Reachout. Ive read what you've been through and I know you of all people know the struggle.
I love being with friends, hiking in the sun, etc... I can't let myself slip into the darkness again. It's exhausting and it's killing my spirit.

Ive even lost over 30 pounds! I needed to lose 30 and I made my goal... But I'm gonna go for 20 more cause then I'd be super healthy.
Trying so hard to get all my ducks in a row... but it's going to take time as I trim off the pills.

Thanks again Reach. :) I hope you are doing well too!

Wendy88 01-28-2013 02:59 AM

Re: I'm back
Haven't used since last Wed or Thurs. Just have a 1.5 pills for doc appt tomorrow (they do random drug tests and some docs prefer you to have your meds in your system so they know u use them and don't sell them. Weird philosopy but whatever).
Anyway tomorrow is the day I ask to drop my script from
180 15mg roxys to 150.... and slowly down from there.

My withdrawals since I haven't used in a while were not bad at all. The first day I slept all day and night... but the rest of the days I just powered through it. Went out, saw friends, just armed with immodium! But otherwise, I distracted myself. That's the trick, if u can. Don't sit around thinking about how u want your DOC, really try to find something else to do.

At night, restless legs are killer, but my muscle relaxors for my back work well and I'm able to sleep.
It's not even been a week and I may feel well enough to go hiking tomorrow. :)
Even though I get a script tomorrow, I believe I cannot fill it for a week. That's fine. I'm happy doing my thing without them and am happier to be starting a real taper with my new script. I'm sure some think, your off them bow, why get your script? But my migraines arent controlled and I'm only medically allowed pain meds for my headaches. So, I'm trying to look out for my health in both directions.... but trying to really move forward.
Maybe someday there will be an amount I can manage. Maybe not. But I'm going to try to lower my script by 30 every appt. It may take a while, but slow and steady wins the race.

Gotta keep trying! That goes for everyone. There is no limit on dusting yourself off and trying to quit again. Just try to look forward and envision a better place for yourself... and then take your steps, teeny or big, til u get there. That happy, healthy place is waiting for all of us.
Good vibes to all

Secrets1983 04-27-2013 03:54 AM

Re: I'm back
So nice to see a familiar name!! I myself just posted today after probably a couple years of being MIA. Not sure if you remember me or not.. Either way, I am so proud of you for taking the steps to reduce your pill intake!!!

That is a big step and you should feel so proud! My thoughts and prayers are with you and I wish you nothing but the best!!!


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