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alwaysasecret 01-24-2013 12:05 AM

need help
I'm not sure where to begin...I think I just need some support. I feel like I'm such a screw up.if is not one thing its another. As long as I can remember, i've always had a secret (hence the user name). although my secrets were never really secrets at all. Its usually very apparent when someone is using. I know it was for me. I either lost mad amounts of weight, wreaked like liquor our just looked zooted. I've beat a lot of my demons, but so many still linger. Right now I'm taking narcotics prescribed for a very legitimate reason, but the problem being I cannot take them as practiced. Cannot isn't the right word, I choose to not take them as prescribed. I have MASSIVE amounts of guilt over this. I'm taking around 10 percs daily. I was taking them as prescribed until about a month or so ago. I'm not making excuses but I know I'm taking them to numb myself... From a husband who chooses other things over me( I'm not talking video games), is inappropriate and mean. He was never this bad until everything happened to put me in the situation of taking these meds. Just to numb myself from a life that isn't even that bad. Things could always be worse.
I'm scared to death of the pain but just a scared of not having these stupid pills.
Thanks for listening...

Wendy88 01-24-2013 01:57 AM

Re: need help
Hi there!
I really understand where you're coming from. My pill issues have been around seemingly forever. But u know it's time.

I can promise you that if you keep taking them not as prescribed, unfortunately the pain will be the least of your concerns. I hate to be so blunt but i speak from close to a decade of experience. I'm a chronic pain patient and I understand that fear you're talking about. But things get worse in so many more ways, really complicated ways, if you keep using.

If you can taper down, or talk to your doc and see if there is another med out there that may help (non narcotic) or other things like acupuncture, physical therapy, chiropractor etc..., I dont know your physical issue but there are other ways to try to deal with pain.
Also with your hubby, that's a good thing to handle with a clear head. I know it feels so much better to hide, but trust me, put your head deep in the pill bottle and 5 years will just pass by and little will change. That's what pills do after a while. I know all about that! Ugh...
But you can change that! It's never too late for anyone. If you choose to just cold turkey quit, Yes the first week (5 days or so) reay arent fun, but when you think about it, it's truly only 5 days and then u can work towards getting your life back and working on these issues.
Or consult with your doctor. He/she can help u as sometimes the pain acts up before it settles down, as Youve been shutting down it's pain center for a while. But slowly it will come back.
Just, as I don't know u or your condition, I'd really advise telling your doc you'd like to see how you do off the meds.
With a clear mind, things will fall into place and may not feel so overwhelming.
I hope some of this helps!
Best to you!!! I know u can do this! You and your future are worth it!
Good vibes!

rosebuddy 01-24-2013 03:35 AM

Re: need help
I understand how you feel. I was on percs for 9 years, mixing them with alcohol which is totally stupid because it damages the liver. I have also tried to keep it a secret. I was taking between 6 and 10 a day. I recently did a cold turkey withdrawal. I have fibromyalgia, but I don't have that much pain. I hope the best for you. Get help and keep coming back to the board for support. See an addiction specialist. Just my humble advice. I also have a blog, if you want to check it out. Take care. Rose

reachout 01-24-2013 11:40 AM

Re: need help
Hi Secret

Welcome. :)

Like you, I also crossed the line from using opiates to deal with physical pain to using them to deal with emotional pain. That's what addicts do... we find that the drugs help us not face whatever it is in our lives that causes us grief...loss, grief, painful memories. It seemingly becomes a fix to what ails us in our heads when it is only an extremely bad way to cope with life. Not judging, friend, just understanding it all too well. I was using Oxycodone as well as Xanax to cope with issues far beyond the physical pain I had.

For myself, I chose to get totally off the drugs. I first did a slow taper from the Oxycodone with the help of my family doctor. Made fairly small cuts from one dose at a time and stayed there for a week to ten days until I leveled out. Honestly, it took a tremendous amount of discipline as well as determination, but it paid off as in the end, I basically just walked off the opiate. Withdrawal symptoms? Yep. However, I made it through each symptom by learning to look at them as symptoms of healing and restoring my brain and body.

Of equal importance as I tapered down was working with a clinical social worker. With her, I was able to define the pain inside me, face it, and learn to deal with it in a healthier way. For me, it had to do with a lot of grief. For you? Ummm... looks like it is a way to cope with a very unhealthy, lop-sided relationship. Cope by numbing yourself to it. I would ask you gently... why are you not acting to change this situation? There [U]are[/U] choices here. Painful choices, but better choices than zoning out on drugs.

The situation needs to be confronted. Marriage counseling, perhaps, or perhaps an end to the relationship. Confronting our situation is a fearful thing. Dear of not having the drugs available, fear of what the outcomes might be. However, failing to confront it leaves us doomed to sink further into addiction and giving up our participation in life to merely existing. What do you want to choose for yourself? Exisitng or participating?

Probably a good place to start would be to seek some counseling. Spill your guts with total honesty. The relief of sharing and knowing we are taking that first step to restoring ourselves is so immense! I waited way too long to get honest with a professional. I had become so clinically depressed that I was non-functioning. I finally sat with my family doctor and with brutal honesty, told all. What a weight was lifted! After the first few words, all embarrassment was erased and I felt the first tiny glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get better.

Secret, please, love yourself enough to seek live help. Your world [U]can[/U] become a happy, peaceful place again. You [U]can[/U] feel joy again.

Stick around and let us support you in your efforts to become a renewed, restored woman. It is waiting for you.


alwaysasecret 01-24-2013 06:22 PM

Re: need help
Thank you so much for your reply reachout. You remind me of my sister, she is always telling me that I am a strong woman and how much life is waiting for me if I just reach out and take it.
I know my relationship is unhealthy, it has been for a long time. I've been with this man for 14 years, half my life. That's one thing that keeps me whereI am. Also we just had our first child, she's six months old. I grew up without my father. I know how devistating that is and how it effects every aspect of a little girls life, I don't want that for her. But I also WILL NOT have her see my husband and I fight or treat me the way he does. I also don't want her to have a drugged up mommy. I feel like everything just happened so quickly. My arm just quit working and had severe pain right after she was born, I had surgery to try and correct it but it didn't work. And everything with him just went to hell. Maybe its because I started to stand up for myself finally, because I have someone besides myself to think of. Her did finally agree to go to marriage counseling, we go next week. I pray it helps us. Things will be better for a few days and then another episode will happen of stealing from me our lying to my face,etc.
I know that I Ann a great mother. I do everything I can for her. She is my motivation to stop this behavior.
I've never been more honest with anyone in my life as I'm being with you right now. That's really sad. J don't want to feel sorry for myself or let this define me. Like you said though it is scary. All off it is. Please Reply back.

reachout 01-24-2013 07:54 PM

Re: need help

Hot dang! I am so proud of you that marriage counseling is being put into place. Kudos to you! I will be praying along with you that the marriage counseling is fruitful. The baby is your inspiration to change... perhaps she will also be the inspiration to Hubby.

Secret, we sometimes enable others to hurt us because of inaction on our own parts. We allow others to hurt us over and over for various reasons... "I deserve this." "What can I do?" "I am afraid to say anything." "I don't want to fight." " I don't want anyone to know." 'I am not strong enough." etc etc We totally become enablers and hurt ourselves in the process. So many of us do this with situations in our lives. For some of us, fortunately, we change. When we change, we find we have more strength inside than we ever knew.

I love some of your words... [COLOR="Blue"]I also WILL NOT have her see my husband and I fight or treat me the way he does[/COLOR]. [COLOR="Blue"] I also don't want her to have a drugged up mommy. [/COLOR] [COLOR="Blue"]don't want to feel sorry for myself or let this define me.[/COLOR]

Other words that I would love to see: [COLOR="Blue"] "I am worthy and deserve to be treated as such." [/COLOR]

You know what, Secret? Withdrawing from the drugs [U]was[/U] a difficult task. However, as I was withdrawing and working also with the clinical social worker, I learned so much about myself, so much. Some was great, some was not, some things were things I had to correct, some things were wonderful just as they were. It was the single biggest learning experience of my entire life. I would never, ever say that I am glad I had to go through what I did, but I can say that because of it, my life ended up improving beyond belief and that today I am totally comfortable in my own skin. I can deal with Life on Life's terms now whatever the terms are on any given day. I don't hide from anything anymore because I know that will only lead to confusion and unhappiness.

I am not an advocate of divorce (although sometimes it is necessary). Fight for the relationship and your own well-being. Truthfully, I would suggest that once in the counseling, you become totally honest about the abuse of the meds. Ask Hubby's support. Give him a chance to stand tall as your partner. Lay it all on the table. Be ready to evaluate things with honesty being the basis. Be ready to accept criticism as well as give it. Stay dignified.

I am so rooting for you in all of this. This is the time to fight for it all... your sobriety, your relationship, your family. Give it your all so that you can walk with your head held high.

With hope always

alwaysasecret 01-25-2013 10:30 AM

Re: need help
Thank you for the reply reach. I will plan on talking with my doctor about a medication regiment that will still be effective but not enable me to abuse it. I know there has to be other meds that will work. I know that it won't be easy, but nothing I've ever done in my life that's been worth while has been easy. I know I can't live like this. I was a severe alcoholic from about 19-26 years old. The non functioning, wake up in the middle of the night to take a swig of the vodka bottle. I Lost everything I had, even my family almost gaveup on me. I went to detox 3-4 times, each time just thinking about that next drink. I NEVER in a millionyears thought I would beat that demond, but I did. I went to jail and I prayed and prayed for Gods help and about a week into my jail stay I realized what I'd been doing not only to myself but to everyone I loved. I was killing myself and everyone around me to without even realizing it. I've never looked back or even had the urge to drink at all. I now see that I replace one bad habit with another. I also suffered with anorexia as teenager, and I go back to that a lot without even realizing it until ten pounds are gone. And obviously with percocet now. I'm always running so far away, until I forget where I was to begin with. I don't even know if that makes any sense.
I really think hubby would throw it in my face if I were to be 10% honest with him about me overtaking my medication. He has addiction issues as well. He steals the percocet I have, even if its in a lock box. I've gone through two lock boxes on the last few months because the lock breaks from him picking it, or he will steal them right behind my back out of my bag and then lie to my face when I have spots proof he has. He's admitted time and again of this behavior among others and will promise it will never happen again and two or the days later its the same BS. we obviously have alot of issues that need to be worked out and I pray for my daughters sake and ours that we are both strong enough to be 100% honest about everything and make this work. Because it isn't fair to him if I don't be 100% honest if I'm asking him to be. Sorry, I'm working things our in my head a little here.
Thank you for all your support. It feels so good to be honest...

reachout 01-27-2013 11:28 AM

Re: need help
Hi There Secret

Reading through your last post is like seeing your thought process unfold concerning your issues. Seems to me you are putting effort into getting really honest with yourself and truly facing the truths head on. What a great step towards truly healing! One of the greatest conclusions you have reached: [COLOR="Blue"]" isn't fair to him if I don't be 100% honest if I'm asking him to be." [/COLOR] We can never expect honesty from others unless we practice it. It doesn't guarantee that the other person will always reciprocate, but it does leave us feeling good because we always know then that we have put our best forward. When we try to hide from our own truths is when we get into trouble with our lives... depression, addiction, loss of relationships, loss of other's belief in us as well as loss of our own belief in ourselves. However tough the truth may be, we face the fear of it and be truthful anyway.

Some of the truths I had to face as I came out of my drug haze was that I was, indeed, abusing the meds. I was the one causing the lop-sidedness in my relationship as Hubby had to take over all responsibilities of the home. I was afraid if being without the pills. I was deceitful to myself about my reasons for using. Half-truths to myself were a part of me too. The excuses I made were half-truths and until I got 100% truthful, I was not going to get better. What a freedom comes when we decide to lay all bare!

[COLOR="Blue"]" I'm always running so far away, until I forget where I was to begin with. I don't even know if that makes any sense."[/COLOR] That makes total sense to me! I used to worry about what I would do without being on the pills. I finally asked myself, "What are you afraid of? Doing laundry? Sweeping a floor? Talking to your friends and relatives? Eating a meal in a restaurant?" Once I had worked through my grief and loss with the Clinical Social Worker, nothing was left to hide from. These daily things of living were just that... daily things of living. When I was finally able to see that thruth, layers and layers of depression began to melt away. I began involving myself once again and rekindling family ties and relationships that I had let go lax.

Our lives begin again when we become totally honest. In all areas... I can say "No" now when I don't want to do something. I can let Hubby know if he has hurt my feelings instead of letting the feelings fester and grow. I try to spend some time every day in reflection of my actions. It feels so good not to be afraid anymore of Life. Living Life on Life's terms... come what may, I deal with it. :)

You will grow so much in yourself as you begin to realize the truths in your life. Reflect on the good things in you and rejoice in them. Reflect on the things in your life that are detrimental and work on changing them. Sometimes I think I did not really grow up until I was 55 and everything hit the fan for me. Oh, I was responsible in my obligations perhaps, but I think until we really learn to know ourselves, we have not really grown up. I have written this many times: the year I spent coming off the drugs and getting help with the social worker was the year of more learning for me than all the previous years combined.

Continue on your journey, Secret, to stop abusing drugs and to discover more about yourself to become a renewed and restored woman. We hope Hubby will walk alongside you doing the same, but regardles of what he chooses, claim the life you want to have.


alwaysasecret 01-31-2013 11:19 AM

Re: need help
Hello reach, I'm so glad you wrote back again. When you put yourself ina situation like i've put myself into you feel so lost and angry and disappointed that you've let things go as far as they have it seems overnight. some things have changed since I posted last. I finally got a diagnosis!!! After six long months of guessing and a usless surgery, ive finally got an asset that totally makes sense. I have parsonage Turners syndrome. there is no cure you just have to wait. It is a nerve disorder, where suddenly or of nowhere the inside of the nerve becomes inflamed and damaged, causing severe pain muscle loss and loss of muscle control. Anyways this can go on for months or years. Sometimes the pain will subside our sometimes it stays severe for years.
Anyhow I'm on my first day of no percocet and nobody knows. I know I can make it through. I wish I could say it was by choice, but its not. I ram out early AGAIN. although in the past I've always had something combat withdrawal. This time I don't...
I'm at a loss of what to do, I know I need pain relief but I cannot live like this either.

reachout 01-31-2013 04:07 PM

Re: need help
Hi Sweetpea :)

Well. I have never heard of parsonage Turners syndrome before. I did look it up before replying to you and have hope in reading that it can, indeed, just "go away." Just a great variation in the time frames. :( We are going to hope and pray yours is in a very short time frame, okay? I also read that physical therapy can be of help.

I think something that might help you in regards to the no percocet day starting is to read one of the threads at the top of this Addiction and Recovery Board. It is one of the locked threads at the top and although it is written in regards to tapering, I believe you can still find some good things to help you out. For me there were a couple of super important things that helped... hot baths.. a few a day to help with restless legs if they develop. Even more important were practicing breathing techniques to help calm the anxiety that can erupt. Each time it would hit, I would practice a Lamaze breathing... pull in the air and then let it out in gentle puffs like cooling a hot spoonful of soup. And I would tell myself over and over again... "This is a symptom of my healing" "I am getting stronger and better every day." (My family doctor gave me that mantra).

You can do this, young friend. Yes, you can. Stay in touch as you can. We are all with you.

alwaysasecret 02-02-2013 11:27 AM

Re: need help
Thank you again for replying back. Well its day 3, I also told my husband that I was over taking the percs. To my amazement he was extremely understanding. He told me that I need to talk to the doc about it. My withdrawals haven't been too bad. I have neurontin, so I think that is really helping. the pain in my shoulder had been the worst part.
Its so nice to have support from everyone. Thank you...

reachout 02-02-2013 09:16 PM

Re: need help
Hi Secret

I am so proud of you and all the good steps you are taking. You were up front with Hubby and he showed understanding. "Atta girl" for you!

You can not take responsibility for Hubby's issues, but you may be the catalyst for him taking responsibility himself. I am sure he is well in tune with the pill problem and seeing you brave enough to step up and do something about it may be the impetus for him to do the same. That would be great, huh?

Secret, you are opening yourself to others, and facing the fear. You are doing it. Keep moving forward with truth as a weapon and watch all the amazing things that happen. Oh, life will not turn to all peaches and cream Chuckles. There will always be things for us to face head on. But, we become paeticipants in life again and stop worrying that our "secrets' will come out. We learn to put them out their ourselves and lose the worry about others finding us out.

Big smiles for you tonight. :-) :-) :-)

alwaysasecret 02-02-2013 09:35 PM

Re: need help
Thank you so much reach. You've been such an inspiration through this tough time in my life. I was so apprehensive about posting here but it turns out its exactly what God wanted me to do. Through this I just need to figure out what path I'm supposed to go down.
The worst part today was the emotional part of all this. Did you get that? A lot of crying and knowing that My daughter deserves better than this.I know I'm a wonderful mother taking medication, but I KNOW I'M BETTER WITHOUT!
Thank you for all you've done...

reachout 02-03-2013 07:23 PM

Re: need help

Thanks for the kind words. I am honored if I have helped you along the way at all.

Did I get emotional and cry? Lordy, Secrets, there were times I truly wailed. I felt like a crumb for having put so much on my family and friends, particularly my husband. I cried for time lost enjoying my first grandchild. I cried SO much that at one visit, I told my doctor that I cried looking at a chair. He just stared at me, not understanding at all that I just meant I cried at the drop of a hat. Chuckles. Funny now, but frustrating then!!

Some of the emotion and crying, Honey, is merely a side effect of coming off the opiate. Give the brain time to level out and start producing the feel good chemicals naturally. We all HATE this part, but it truly does end. It is some depression that sets in. Help it move on out by forcing yourself to get physical... walking, running, dancing, jumping jacks, whatever. Force a fake smile on your face as it actually fools the brain and starts a bit of seratonin flowing. Stay strong during this phase... it [U]does[/U] pass and is a very normal part of the process of restoration and renewal.

I am thrilled with your continuing success. I have to remind you, though, not to forget a HUGE part of recovery and that is aftercare. You have to discover and face head on the things locked up that led you to cross that line and start using drugs for emotional and spiritual pain. It [U]must[/U] be done. If we neglect this part of an overall plan to get clean, renewed and restored, we will eventually fall right back into old addictive habits. We need to retrain the brain to react in healthier ways of coping with the stresses in our lives. Unfortunately, stresses are a normal part of life. We need to relearn and practice coping with them without drugs. Choices for help with this include: AA, NA, other 12 step programs, online, in person, psychologists, social workers. For me, a [U]clinical[/U] social worker turned out to be the answer I needed for help. Eventually, under her expertise, I became skilled in self hypnosis. It helps me greatly in a concentrated focus into my subconscious to help discover things that are weighing on me that I am not allowing into my everyday consciousness. At first, it all sounded hokey to me and I was quite upfrint telling the social worker that. :-) Ultimately, though, it has turned out to be one of the strongest weapons in my arsenol for personal mental and spiritual health. That is me. Something totally different may be the answer for you. Just do not forget to get involved in some true help with live, 3-D people. We can only give our best to our family and friends when we are finally comfortable in ourselves. You will find that the things you learn during this time will reinforce more and more the extreme value of being honest and forthright in all we do and say.

Stay strong. You are doing a wonderful job here.

alwaysasecret 02-10-2013 11:02 PM

Re: need help
Things are going okay I spouse. My husband and I went to counseling, which went well. We've been mote honest with eachother in the last week than we've been in over a year. I'm not sleeping very well and still crying a lot. The craving are INSANE. I think I turned my house upsidedown looking for a pill I might have hidden or lost, its so stupid now I think about it. I haven't been eating much which I think is normal, but I'm forcing myself to. I have to be strong for my daughter. The last thing I want is for her to grow up and see a sick mommy. Im calling tomorrow to find a psychologist for me, I know I have so many issues that I need to work through. Because I'm running from something and I have no idea what...
I have been thinking about subocone our Methadone treatment. Just a thought, mange a bad thought. any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

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