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  • The painful life of a herion addict.



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    Old 05-07-2002, 07:32 PM   #1
    Darlene Smallfence
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    Unhappy The painful life of a herion addict.

    Hello to everyone! I am a new-comer to this site. I'm so glad I finally found a site where I can vent my frustrations and possible get some feedback as well. I have been a herion addict for approximately 10 years. The funny thing is I never really did drugs, drank or smoke up until that point in my life. A so called friend of mine had me try a bag of herion one weekend and as they say I was "off to the races". I couldn't describe the feeling I got when I did the bag, it made me feel 100% whole, I always felt something was missing in my life. My friend never explained to me that I would get addicted to this wonderful new drug that enabled me to do anything I knew I could do, but was afraid to do. Needless to say, I have lost just about everything in my life (home, car, money, friends, family) due to this so called wonderful drug. I recently had a son, although I stayed clean while I was pregnant, once I had the baby I started right back, and as far I can tell, for no good reason. I believe it was just force of habit. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes and forget about it if I come into a nice sum of money, I really don't know what to do. Even though I know herion will bring me back to the gutter, I still remarkable find myself at the cop spot.

    Believe me when the 12-Step Programs say "never say never" it's true. I remember saying I would never do this or never do that. I would never allow myself to get that strung out on herion. Well I'm here to tell you alot of my I NEVERS came true. Herion had me sleeping in abandoned buildings and eating out of garbage cans, but I didn't seem to mind as long as I had my wakeup bag.

    Currently, I'm on a 6-month detox methadone program. So far it seems to be helping me. I recently signed up to go back to a technical school to try and get my life back, for myself and my 2-year old son, and most days are OK, but once in a while (like once a month) I find myself at the cop spot again.

    Could someone please tell me I'm not crazy. Why do I continue to try and kill myself even when everything seems to be going fine.


    [This message has been edited by Darlene Smallfence (edited 05-09-2002).]

     
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    Old 05-07-2002, 10:34 PM   #2
    Squirrel-1
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    I know the feeling. You might notice that I am on the board quite a bit, well it is not that I know more or like to give advice it is because the last week or two I have been having some very strong cravings. I get through them by corresponding with others on this board.I have been an addict for 17 years a number of those years to Heroin. I have been clean from Heroin a year this month. I have been clean from Alcohol and cocaine for about 4 months. It is a struggle, however it can be done. It sounds like you are doing everything as right as you can. Welcome to the board. It helps me like I said I will get on here and just starting posting when I get the urge and it gets me through.

     
    Old 05-09-2002, 10:58 AM   #3
    Darlene Smallfence
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    Thank you Squirrel-1 for replying to my posting.

    I feel so much better just having got alot off of my chest. I feel I have to hide everything from the world because they just wouldn't understand. But after finding this website, I realize there are alot of people with problem out there.

    I like your idea of posting a message when an urge to use hits. I strongly believe I will be doing the same thing. I have been to many meetings and I usually just sit in the back and never speak up in front of the crowd. Public speaking is not really one of my strong suits.

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my posting. It really made me feel good to know that my message was read.

     
    Old 05-09-2002, 11:20 AM   #4
    Squirrel-1
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    We are only as sick as our secrets. We have learned to live in shame and embarrasment. That is one thing I would like to do, is to bring the disease of addiction to the forefront. We have a disease, like any disease and we deserve the same care, and treatment that anyone that suffers from a disease deserves, with dignity and compassion. I work in the medical profession and I have the opportunity to talk to medical professionals about this, oddly enough the majority of medical people feel the same.It is some people in society that make us feel less than. As for your experience at meetings, I use to be the same. What I did was I made a decision that I would share at every meeting. I would talk until I felt uncomfortable and then I would stop. At first it was after one sentence but, I did it. I did that for about a month just to break the ice; I still don't share very much. Everything comes in time. I have met people at meetings that have been going to meetings every night for a year and never shared. I think as addicts we come into recovery and want everything right away but, it took me 17 years to get here and I will be in recovery for the rest of my life so, I will take it slow. I read in your post about trying to kill yourself, I have always wondered that, Why do I hate myself so much that I tried to kill myself on a daily basis? I did a step od Twelve Steps, and that indetified the underlaying problem to my addiction. It got rid of all the demons(so to speak).


     
    Old 05-14-2002, 02:43 AM   #5
    hardcoredummy
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    Quote:
    Could someone please tell me I'm not crazy. Why do I continue to try and kill myself even when everything seems to be going fine.
    I commend you for trying to get clean and getting your life back on track. I have never had an addiction problem, although i have used almost every drug available... i did heroine twice, first time felt good, but the second time felt toooooo good, and knew that would ruin my life.

    You're on the right track... not only for you, but for your son. You won't be destroying your life if you fall back into the gutter, but you'll be destroying his as well. The fact that you were able to stop your usage while you were pregnant shows you are more committed to your son than you are to junk... just don't lose sight of that.

    I just need to ask you, how is the methadone program going? I have known dozens of people who have gone on methadone, and not a single one has successfully kicked their addiction with it... but then they were forced into the programs, and they weren't as motivated as you.

    Anyways, i hope you're doing well... and hope to see more of your posts on here.

     
    Old 05-14-2002, 05:50 PM   #6
    jroeglin
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    I think that it is good that you are on a methadone program. I know that the withdrawal is just the same, if not worse, then heroin, but I believe that being on methadone helps a person learn to live a drug free life again. So many people think that if you get the drugs out of your system, then you will be fine. The fact is that the "getting" of the drug is just a big a part of it as anything else. My boyfriend shoots heroin, and he has told me that the actual needle addiction is hard to break too. I think that methadone gives you the time you need to live a "normal" every day life without constantly trying to score. You learn again what it's like to say your going to the grocery store, and actually GO to the grocery store. (know what I mean?) Sure it's hard to come off, but a medical supervised detox is what you will need. The physcial part of heroin addiction is big, but the mental, this is what I am used to doing every day thing, is hard too. Once you have the desire to quit, that is the first step. Learn to LIVE without the drug, then your free.

     
    Old 05-15-2002, 12:47 PM   #7
    Darlene Smallfence
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    Sorry I took so long to reply to your heartfelt messages regarding my posting. I seem to never have enough time in the day to accomplish all that I want to. Since I've enrolled in school, homework and such have really kept me busy (which is a good thing).

    Regarding the methadone program, all goes well so far! This particular program is a 6-month detoxification, they wanted to put me on methadone maintenance, but I don't really want to just replace one drug with another. A lot of people have told me not to go on maintenance, because if I do I will never get off.

    In the past I have tried shorter detox times, and everything seems to go well at first, then for one reason or another I go back to the drugs. I figured this time I would try something different. I enrolled in school to keep myself busy (and enable myself to get a good job) and I have been trying to get the "mental" addiction under control. Physically I always seem to do just fine, but where the mental part is concerned, I always have trouble.

    Do you have any suggestions or ways you have changed your "mental picture" of yourself. I need to learn to love myself more. My counselor has told me that although I initially started this process for my son, I need to finish it for myself; otherwise, it will not work. Why is is so hard to love oneself? Maybe it's years of low self-esteem and feeling that I'm not love worthy.

    Now I understand why, when you go to detoxs inside hospitals, the detox unit is always right near or right in the mental ward.

    I truly appreciate all of your responses, they have really given me alot of hope that I'm not alone in this and that it can be done. Please continue to respond with any suggestions you may see fit to my situation.

     
    Old 05-15-2002, 02:22 PM   #8
    Squirrel-1
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    Your post made me laugh. I went to a detox facility and it was on the same grounds as a mental facility.uuummmm.LOL. I know myself that I had to do a set of 12 steps to let go of the demons inside me. I am not preaching the 12 steps, I am just saying for me it worked. It got me feeling different about myself. I have better self esteem(a work in progress).You mentioned that you are going to meetings so, you are familiar with the steps. How do you feel about them? I think most addicts look for instant gratification. We did it in drugs and we do it in recovery. We want it now. You, as I, have been addicts for a long time. I was addicted for 17 some years. I have learnt that every thing comes in time. It took me 17 years to get where I was and it may take 17 to get me back, so I will just sit back and enjoy the ride. I think alot of reason in the past that I relapsed is I would go about 3 or 4 months and then say ok, nothing in my life has changed so, what the **** I my as well use. Well, I have learnt that it is a life long learning experience. We get our selves in trouble when we focus on the destination, when we should just be enjoying the journey. It sounds like you are doing everything right. I think also when we get back into society as a whole we start to feel better about ourselves. I am glad that your life is full. I hope we hear from you again. God Bless, my friend.

     
    Old 05-15-2002, 07:44 PM   #9
    Darlene Smallfence
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    Hello Squirrel-1. I just checked my posting and seen your reply to my recent addition. I'm really glad that I've found a site where I have found so many people who know what I'm going through. I really enjoy reading your responses, I look forward to checking my posting everyday.

    It's now 10:28 p.m. and I finally got the chance to get on the computer. My son who is 2 1/2 years old currently insists that I go to sleep with him when he goes and the proceeds to wrap himself around me so I cannot leave the bed. I have to literally sneak out of bed in order to get on the computer.

    Regarding the 12-Step Programs, I feel they are alot harder to accomplish than one would think. If you truly do what the steps require you to do, you'll be doing the steps forever (which is not really so bad). I agree with you that addicts look for instant gratification in recovery. I know I certainly looked for it in my active addiction.

    Alot of my associates in addiction that tried the 12-Step Program left because they said it took to long. Before I got serious about my recovery, that was all I needed to hear in order to turn me against it before I really gave it a try.

    Then I started to get serious and think, I've been in active addition for over 7 years, and I never seemed to mind how long I stayed there. So who was I to demand instant gratification in my recovery. All I could do was pray to God and ask him for the help I would need to get though this.

    My faith in God has truly increased through attending the 12-Step Program. I have always believed in God, but my addiction had me believing that God no longer wanted anything to do with me since I was using drugs. It took me a while to understand and truly believe that God still loved me and would help me if I would only ask Him (He was only waiting for me to ask). I continue to ask for His help in my recovery and I am still trying to increase my self-esteem any way I can. I have attended self-esteem seminars, and classes, read books about it and I still find it hard.

    How about you? What do you do to increase your self-esteem? Have you read any books? Have you attended any classes or seminars? I look forward to reading your next reply to my posting. My God continue to bless you daily with recovery.

     
    Old 05-16-2002, 11:22 AM   #10
    Squirrel-1
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    I can not tell you how I am gaining self esteem, it is just happening. I currently have two professions. I am a RN at a Geriactric facility, and I also have went back to work part-time in the recovery home where I myself got clean. I am learning the mental and physical aspects of my disease. I think from bringing my addiction into society, I have lost the shame of the disease so, I don't have to feel bad. The recovery home is in a small suburb and it is well known, so when I walk around there I am known as the woman that was an addict that works with addicts and people approach me and talk to me about addiction. I think that helps me alot. All, the secrets I have ever kept are coming to the surface and that is freeing. I promised myself that I would be totally open and honest about my addiction if it will help someone else stay clean. Miracles happen in recovery. If you approach the 12 steps in the proper manner it doesn't take alot of time, although with your timetable you might have to schedule it in, however I did my first 12 steps in about 5 months. Do you have a sponsor? I hope your life continues to be as serene as it sounds it is in your post. Hope to hear from you again, God Bless

     
    Old 05-16-2002, 12:54 PM   #11
    Darlene Smallfence
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    Hello Squirrel-1.

    I was pleasantly surprised to read your reply to my posting so quickly. I am truly happy for you, and that everything seems to be going the right way in your recovery. I really like the part about working part-time in a place of recovery. I am starting to think that maybe I should attend more NA meetings and sign on for a commitment, starting small (such as maybe a coffee commitment or a greeter). This way I'll losen up around the people and start sharing.

    It certainly seems to be true, at least for me, that as addicts we seem to complicate even the smallest of our problems. My new goal is to try and simplify everything, and in doing so, hopefully reduce the stress-level in my life. In recovery I always seem so worried about what someone will think about me or my situation. How silly is that? In my addiction, I never seemed to care what anybody thought about me or what I was doing.

    I certainly agree with you that society as a whole should be brought up to snuff about the disease of addiction. Alot of people don't believe that it is truly a disease. I know alot of addicts that never thought it would happen to them. They thought they could somehow be "weekend" drug-users and keep it under control. The first lesson they learned is that the drug keeps you under it's control.

    I currently have a sponser in NA, and I believe that this sponser will be the best one I have had thus far. I have had other sponsers, and for one reason or another, we really didn't hit it off. I believe that in order for your relationship to work, you at least have to be friends.

    I feel being friends is very important in every area of your personal life. I must admit I am pretty proud of myself lately. I recently had a horrible argruement with my son's father. I haven't seen him in at least 3 weeks. At times I feel so lost and lonely. You see, Squirrel-1, I always felt he was my very best friend. I could talk to him about anything and he always had a certain way about him that made me feel that everything was going to be alright. In the past, the fight would have been the only excuse I needed to start back using again. Although I must admit it is quite a struggle at times, so far I haven't picked up and used. This time I am using my sponser, the meetings, and this posting board, instead of using.

    I thank you greatly for allowing me to unload on you. Once again I look forward to reading your next post.
    MAY GOD BLESS YOU IN RECOVERY!!!

     
    Old 05-19-2002, 08:46 PM   #12
    Squirrel-1
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    How are things going, my friend? I think your decision to get a service position in the NA program is an awesome idea. That is how I got my start working with addicts. While I was in my recovery home we had to attend 8 meetings a week, 4 morning and 4 evening. I talked to people there about my beliefs about the addict mind and my thoughts on how I believed the disease should be tooken out of the closet and brought to the forefront. The co-ordinator of my house said we really need people with your beliefs to come back to work so, I did. Who makes a better drug counsellor than someone that has lived through the disease. It helps me stay clean.

     
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