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Feel alone beginning clonazepam taper

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Old 05-25-2013, 12:29 PM   #1
Barb needs help
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Beyond whistler BC Canada
Posts: 6
Barb needs help HB User
Feel alone beginning clonazepam taper

Benzo diazepine withdrawal in my life. I am freshly off Ativan prescribed 20 years ago. Have just started the first step to taper .
I am scarcely able to take care of myself. Most months I am in depression.
My own life i view as a tragedy. I have been going to AA. It's my only socialization besides seeing mental health workers who help me get outdoors to walk a little, get the odd grocery, maybe eat a sandwich.
I don't like for you, myself, for anyone to see what my existence has become.
I paint occasionally, without much enthusiasm. It got lost from my vocabulary.
AA teaches me I must rely on God, have faith, work to be free of the bondage of self and trudge the road to happy destiny. After many years without using alchol I now mirror a hollow woman, beaten down by life - shaming myself instead of expressing gratitude for all I've been given.
Pharmacist just called to make sure I understand how to manage this new change to my meds and said I am a strong woman. To tell myself that.
I guess I will beat this too, as life has a way of moving forward despite ourselves.
Although I have come off a ton of different meds I am still taking max dose age antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. I suspect I am going to need to cut them back too - sometime in the distant future. I know this is not what anyone wants to hear from me, that if I would move off the pity pot and look beyond myself this suffering need not be.
Perhaps it has just become a negative way of life. Perhaps none of it is my fault.
When I do feel well I think I can tackle the world - but before I am able, rather after I have exhausted my savings, I slip again into what feels a worse hell.
So I have withdrawn, or make a friend only till I feel they have caught onto my mood swings and are sufficiently powerless to help a woman who won't help herself, and I let them drift away because I am ashamed.
I have gone through the AA steps again, asking forgiveness, releasing resentments, exposing skeletons I wanted to go to my grave with, forging closer bonds with my kids, but still stuck in place.agoraphobia has blinds shut, I've created my own prison. I listen to a benzo free meditation - this too shall pass, each day I am getting better and better. But the reality of it is I can't feel or believe in my own recovery. Perhaps if I could help another this might benefit us both. Please please reply I feel so alone

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